A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Basically. My boyfriend ruined my trust at the 1 year barrier as he had coffee with an ex without telling me, after about of month of telling me he didn't want to see her again, and me crying because he'd be texting her ALL the time. We had a big row and he's stopped contact with her after I found some semi naked pics of her on his computer. He's cut down the amount of girls he sees on a one-to-one basis, because my newly formed insecurity drove me made over it. My old friend from college recently got in contact [male] asking if I wanted a coffee. We have no history and I am not attracted to him in the slightest. I am worried if I tell my boyfriend [he would be fine security wise cos he trusts me entirely] that he'll see it as okay to start meeting up with all those girls again, which would drive me insane at this current time. What do I do?
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female
reader, lulu31  +, writes (4 November 2010):
 heyy,
well,from what i can see in this situation that when your trust was broken with that one cup of coffee,it was broken yet again by the texts,then yet AGAIN by the pictures.Thats three times your boyfriends has broken your trust,I think its completly normall to think like this.Any guy who does this to you isnt worth being with.Ok he hasn't cheated on you,but just think,if your worried of meeting your ex for a harmless cup of coffee,and he will go and meet his ex again,what bigger things might you not be able to trust him on? i would understand if you said you were worried he would mind,but your wondering weather he would think it was ok to do that stuff again,I think whats best if you look at your relationship and decide weather you really think you can trust him again.
Hope everything turns out ok
:)
A
female
reader, roadie42  +, writes (4 November 2010):
 This is a tricky situation, mostly because it would be so easy for him to turn around and call you a hypocrite. However, you shouldn't avoid talking to anyone of the opposite sex, because that wouldn't be fair to you at all - and besides, there's obviously a lot of real estate between meeting someone for coffee and having inappropriate pictures of them on your computer. The fact that she's his ex - and that they're obviously still close - only makes your case seem all the more reasonable if he protests!I'd say go for it - meet up with this guy for coffee. If your boyfriend doesn't make a big deal out of it, perhaps he's learned his lesson. But if he immediately protests and starts seeing other girls again in order to get revenge, then he's probably not the kind of guy you should be sticking around with. If he's that controlling, he's clearly not the best boyfriend for you.
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A
female
reader, tennisstar88 +, writes (4 November 2010):
 Oh yeah he could definitely pull tit for tat on this one..You'd be going to meet up with an old colleague and he could point out that since you're meeting up with the opposite sex he could hang out with his exes who are now his female friends. However, if you tell him no it's not the same he could also try to point out you're being hypocritical or even controlling. So yes he could turn this around on you.
It's a red flag that he would meet up with an ex without telling you, and then continue to text her all the time. I would question the trust as well. But now he's deleted the pictures and agreed not to see her? If you don't want a big row again, then I wouldn't meet up with this old college friend..However, you can't make restrictions in a relationship and not follow them as well. Although I do understand this guy isn't an ex..it's still the fact he's the opposite sex.
So either follow your own rule as well, or let go of this relationship because it seriously lacks trust.
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A
male
reader, CaringGuy +, writes (4 November 2010):
I think you need to seriously look at your relationship. You're one year into it, and he's already been seeing ex's and not telling you about it and also had semi naked pictures of her on the computer. To be honest, I'm not sure that you should be with him. It's clear that there is a huge lack of trust. Worse, he does sound like the sort of guy who will go back to seeing girls if you see this old guy. He might not believe that there's no history there. He might think you're up to something. And really, if you're seeing guy friends, he should be allowed to see friends who are girls (not ex's though)
I think you need to sit down and really think about this relationship. You either both need to be totally honest and work on the trust, or you might as well forget it.
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A
female
reader, Denise32 +, writes (4 November 2010):
 What do you do, you ask. Its quite simple: DITCH him.
Look, he has lied to you and demonstrated that he is not trustworthy.
What business is it of his if you do meet up with an old college friend - and you don't have to be attracted to have coffee with an old friend, you know.
Perhaps you need to think seriously about demoting him from bf to ex-bf.......
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