A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Hello everyone,I am a 24-year old girl from Bordeaux. My family comes from Pakistan and we are quite a traditional family with close family ties. They do not allow me to meet my friends and my only occupation is staying at home and doing my house duties (such as cooking or cleaning) or to pursue my study in physics (where I get top grades because I am highly gifted (my IQ is 146)).Last year, there was a happy coincidence. Through a student exchange program, I met a girl from Paris. In order to keep privacy let her name be Claire. Claire has stayed in Bordeaux for six months and from the very first moment on it was special. She had the same interests I had, and I fell in love. First, I did not know whether she shared my feelings and we regularly met. I had to lie to my parents and told them I went to the library for my studies which they believed. Claire then told me that she loved me and it was the happiest moment in my life. We kissed and had sex, it was wonderful, I had feelings which I would never have with a boy (I discovered my homosexuality at the age of 9). But my parents became skeptical and I was caught lying.When my parents found out I was lesbian, they became mad, were disappointed, and prohibited any contact with her (they even stayed in front of my PC and observed whether I worked or not). When I went to university, they phoned me every hour to check, what I was doing. Claire told me that she loved me no matter what my parents were doing, and we continued our relationship through daily university life. My parents regularly asked me whether I was still together with "the girl" (they do not even bother asking what kind of personality she has, and they do not care what I feel, they just say: "What happens if someone finds out from our family? You bring shame. You just need a boy. You have to marry...").Claire left Bordeaux three months ago and went back to Paris. We regularly have contact through MSN and it did not pose a threat to our relationship. She even sent me a postcard to send pictures from Paris. I gave her the address of a girlfriend of mine, so that my parents could not get the letter, but when I hid the letter in a box at home, my mother broke the lock and read everything. We had arguments daily. Then Claire came every week to Bordeaux, paying all the expenses for the flight, and my parents prohibited me to fly to Paris, even prohibited me to meet her. I feel so ashamed that she pays everything, but she says it is not a problem for her, that I am the only girl she loves and that she is patient. But how long can we continue this?The other problem is that my family never gives me freedom. I wanted to study at Paris because I love the city and I received an offer, but they did not allow me to go. My family has no social life, everything is shared with the family, they have no friends, only my grandmother visits us regularly. Her son is 52 and he still lives with his mother (my parents find this normal and okay!!! OMG, he is quite unattractive - no girl wanted to marry him!!!). I cannot bear them coming to us and the son bootlicking his mother and fearing her --- that's NOT normal. When a "friend" visits us (which happens once a year) my family behaves extremely friendly, but after they leave, they begin to run them down (I hate this hypocrisy).Because I love my family, but also hate them, I'm in a conflict: I do not know how to behave. When I am dismissive towards my grandmother and this "son" my family shouts at me and there is a big argument. Everything is hidden from other family members. On the other hand, I do not want to lose Claire who sacrifices everything for me (she works hard to finance the plane tickets) and even if I broke up with her I would be in this jail as I am only allowed to leave the house after marriage (which will never happen of course and I would be condemned to be like my granny's son. I would prefer to die then to lead a life like his).I wrote an email to a university in Paris to find out whether they would offer me a place to continue my studies, and they said they can when they saw my grades :). I talked to a professor and she told me I should leave my family and start a new life. I am quite unsure. On the one hand, I like my family, on the other I absolutely hate them and feel uncomfortable at home. And I miss Claire. They will never understand me, we talked a lot and always it ended with arguments. They told me to never accept.Shall I leave them? If I do this, they will break off all contact with me because I brought them shame. But I miss Claire and I want freedom... So should I leave? Would I have the capacity to manage life?Sorry for my bad English, I am a French native speaker.
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broke up, fell in love, grandmother, lesbian, msn, university Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 February 2011): I may not know what is the right thing to do but i want you to know that I'm in the same situation I know how bad it is, and also I know how hard is to lose you family, so you should know that if you can lie to be with your family and your lover it is more that ok to do so in this situation.......and if you choose to leave then before you leave please make sure that you really want to this and that it is worth it becuase if you leave there is no way back......and if you choose to stay with your family and bear up....never agree to marry a guy who they chose for you....I don't want to scare you off, but my friend did so and she tried to kill her self after that.......and about your English....I wish to be as good as you are.....best of luck and may God help you.
A
female
reader, Miamine  +, writes (14 February 2011):
 Drat001, Her parents are not gonna kill her or maim her.. please stop the nonsense with these stereotypes, they are not the French Taliban.You insult yourself and her, with these kind of extreme views. Yes it happens, about as often as a white serial killer decides to kill every woman he sees, because he misses his mum.OP... your folks are traditional old fashioned... do whatever you want to do, lie to them if you have to, don't answer the phone if they ring you when your out. Follow your dreams and not theirs. Move away as soon as you can, but don't cut them off, give them your telephone number and address, contact them to see if they are alright......What can they do if you live your life, nothing, there is nothing the can do but complain and nag.
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A
female
reader, Drat001 +, writes (14 February 2011):
A male reader, anonymous, writes "You will be stuck in this horrid 1950's view on what a womans role is."
1950s? Are you kidding? Try 1350s. It's a sad thing that at one time muslim culture was more liberal/tolerant and just than pretty much all other cultures at the time, and then it just stayed where it was, never evolving to be more just and tolerant, being completely passed by those other cultures. It's not liberality, or salaciousness that's the issue, it's justice. It is not just to force someone to leave a relationship that is not abusive and enter a relationship that is abusive, or force someone to remain in an abusive relationship rather than seek to be safe. Everyone should look at the picture of the woman who had her nose and ears cut off by her taliban husband.
I hope the OP here sees that picture. That could be her fate, or worse. I'm not saying she must leave. Her family might, MIGHT at some point come around. But, if she heeds the advice of my previous post, and determines that her own personal goals are more important for her to accomplish than the goals other people tell her she should have, then it would be far better for her to leave, and possibly have no further contact with her family. It is better to have made some members of your family feel let down for a short while (they'll get over the shame if you left, but they probably wouldn't come around to accept you as gay if you stay) and leave than stay and face the possibility of being physically harmed, even killed, if you stay.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (13 February 2011): You speak English much better than most of it's native speakers, let me assure you.
But as to your issues, you do not live in Pakistan. It may still be the culture you have grown up in, but you are legally capable of turning your back on it.
You live in a Western Country. Under Western Law, which funnily enough, kinda frowns up the sort of things your family likes to pretend are normal ways to behave. Normal perhaps for Pakistani culture and laws.
I say, screw the family. You will never be happy living a lie in a marriage you have no interest in (it would be unfair on you, to sacrifice your own happiness for the sake of pride, and unfair on your husband who deserves to have a wife who WANTS to be with him and loves him as marriages ARE SUPPOSED TO BE).
Being gay is NEVER a choice. No one chooses to what they are in that manner. It's just who you are.
It's time to start acting like the adult your age proclaims you to be. Choose your own happiness for once and don't let bullshit familial pride rob you of your right as a human being to persue whatever lifestyle you choose.
Flynn 24
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (13 February 2011): I am asian and I know how pakistani culture can be. I suggest that you leave this house and be happy. I dont think your parents views will ever change. You will be stuck in this horrid 1950's view on what a womans role is.
Your 2 options:
1)Stay at home: U will inevitible be forced to marry a guy u dont love and then forever be his houswife...keepin up this false image that everyone in your family is happy to try and impress these so called "friends". Ur physics career will be non-existant!
2)Leave home: study in the beautiful city of paris with the girl of your dreams. Have a chance at having a fantatic career. And most of all being free to be who u really are.
Good luck...i really hope u make the right decision! x
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 February 2011): Tell them that some things they may not understand, but you would be so happy if they could accept the part of you that they can understand. Go to college. They will come around to the idea in time.
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A
female
reader, Drat001 +, writes (12 February 2011):
aunt honesty is really right in that the only person who can answer the question of if you should leave is you. I cannot tell you that if you leave everything will work out and you'll find the greatest happiness of all. I cannot tell you that if you say you will feel miserable for the rest of your life. You can't tell that, nobody can tell that. Nobody but God in heaven knows the future.
What I can tell you is that 1) marrying a man will not change you from being a lesbian--I've seen too many marriages end because one of the people tried to stop being gay, and it just did not, it just will not work; 2) while it is important to honor our parents and our elders, honoring our elders is a two-way street, and if they are behaving in a manner that is dishonorable, that does not deserve your respect and obedience, then if you respectfully disagree or passively disobey, it is not wrong; 3) your English is better than many native speakers, and you shouldn't be ashamed, if I spoke German half as well as you speak English, I'd never have to got to class again.
Seriously, what I suggest you do is sit down and make a list of all the things you want to do in your life. Then make another list with two parts, part 1 for the things you absolutely feel you must do and then part 2 those that you would like to do if you get the opportunity. Then make another list using the things from part 1 of the other list, in part 1 of the new list write those things that you want to do because it's entirely your idea and your own desire, and part 2 with those things you want to do because you feel you'll have failed someone else (family, friends, society) if you don't do them. Then look at part 1 of your third list. What does it tell you about yourself? Look at part 2 of the third list. What does it tell about those around you? Can you accomplish all the things of part 1 without failing to do all the things on part 2, or the other way around? What do you see yourself as first and foremost (woman, french, muslim, lesbian, intellectual)? Whatever you see yourself as, on top of all other things, look at the first part of your third list and ask, "Can I do all of these and still be true to who and what I am?" Look at part 2 of your third list and ask the same question, "Can I do all of these and still be true to who and what I am?" Whichever list best suits the true person that you are, that is the path you should follow. Sometimes we need to leave behind everything from our past, our family, friends, everything, in order to be who we truly are. Sometimes we need to embrace our past, our family, our herritage, in order to be our true self. That is where you need to make the decision. Determine who you truly are, and follow the path that will take you to the ultimate destination, which is not roses and candy happiness, but rather self-fulfillment. If you decide you must leave, if it brings shame upon the family, would it not, in the final judgement, bring greater shame upon yourself if you stayed and denied the truth about yourself? Find your truth and you will find that there is no personal shame. If they feel dishonored by your decision, that is their own choice to feel that way. You cannot change that. What you can change is whether you will shame yourself. So, determine your true path and follow it. if your true path is at home and you leave, that would shame you. If you determine your true path is to leave but do not take it, that would shame you. Do that which is true and least shameful to yourself, and you will find your way to fulfillment. It may be a bumpy road, which ever direction the path leads, but you will eventually find happiness if you just follow truth.
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A
female
reader, AuntyAlexxmo +, writes (12 February 2011):
 Your English is brilliant!
This is a very hard decision to make and you need to think about what you really want. You may still be young but your are far from been a child anymore and this is your time to live the life that you want to. You do not want to get old and think you missed out on the things that you really wanted to do.
It sounds like you have a girl that cares about you very much and a chance to start your own life in paris and live the way you want to. That is a lot to turn down.
I understand it is hard as nobody wants to have to give up their family, and hopefully in time they will come to accept your decisions, but if you stay at home nothing will ever change, if you move and start you own life you have a chance to do things your way.
i really hope this helps
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A
male
reader, Universe Man  +, writes (12 February 2011):
I nearly fell over when you said "sorry for my bad English." You want to know what bad English is? Come visit the United States.
I think you should go to Paris, be with Claire, go to University, and become a world-class physicist. Your parents are a product of their upbringing. Fortunately, you are not. The world does not belong to their generation. It belongs to yours.
The only thing I worry about is whether your parents will try to physically keep you from leaving. Maybe you should just call them from the airport, right before you board. Sounds scary and exciting. You have enormous potential for both success and happiness, and breaking free of your parents seems like the only way to fulfill it. Good luck, and please follow up on this thread someday. I look forward to reading it.
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A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (12 February 2011):
 Hi well am afraid that nobody can answer your question but yourself. It sounds like you are either going to need to sacrafice your family or else your girlfriend clare. I know that it must be a difficult desicion and it must be painful but am afraid you need to chose one or the other. Sometimes life is really cruel and when it comes to making choices it can be very hard.
But if am honest and give you my opinion, i know you love your family very much but it sounds to me like if you were to stay with your family you will end up having a miserable life and pretend to be someone you are not. Therefore my advice would be to move to france and be with the love of your life. At least you are being honest to yourself and showing the world who you really are, you should never pretend to be someone that you are not. You know that you are a lesbian and you should be proud of that.
But just remember this is your decision to make. Be strong. Goodluck Hunny.
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A
male
reader, PortOr +, writes (12 February 2011):
 First of all ... congrats ... you have taken your first step ... I know what this means in the islamic culture. My take is that you SHOULD leave. You have education on your side. I can bet that you can find yourself money to support if you go out. Usually people who study well dont have the guts. Dont be one among them. Have the guts to walk out, write to enough professors. Get surity from Clarie that she be your side always and go to study in Paris. It will definitely be a good decision. Dont worry about your family for now. They will get back to you after a few years. Time will heal them. They will get back to you after some time. By then you would have already found new confidence....... Havent you heard of stories where the parents get back even if their kids run away with their lovers ? Yours is no different story. Take a bold decision and walk out. Your family wont go any where. They will get back to you after some time. Its your time now and you should take bold decisions... Go study and be be with Clarie in Paris.
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A
female
reader, Lisa206 +, writes (12 February 2011):
 Live your life.
Go to college.
Your parents will love you anyways.
Send them all your proud achievements.
Don't send them or bring up anything about being a lesbian.
Let there be comfortable space so you can have a life with your parents and also a life where you are alive.
Create common ground without throwing things in their face.
Tolerance is the best you can hope for... anything else is wishful and childish.
This is not an easy road.
Pack a lunch and some comfortable shoes.
Remember this time when you are older and your children wish to get on a spaceship and go live on the moon because that's what it feels like for them.
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