A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:What might be some negative consequences of marrying my fiancee without telling her that I cheated on her a year ago? We were clearly in a committed relationship back then, and I had sex with another woman--who you can say I had somewhat of an emotional fling with back then. I have struggled with this for the past year and have decided not to tell her b/c I can't bare to cause her great pain, and now more than ever know that I love my fiancee to pieces. Any thoughts on how the not telling her could backfire on us in the future?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 August 2010): I responded the previous time you wrote in. Please read this, the same advice applies.do you have a conscious and do you want to start off your marriage with it doomed. This is what will happen if you continue to lie.
A
female
reader, happy24birthday +, writes (26 August 2010):
 As long as you've had no issues with this other woman since the fling, then I can see no negative consequences or ways that not telling her could backfire. If you're leaning that direction, let me advise you - DO NOT TELL HER. It's a non-issue at this point and will only bring devastation.
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A
female
reader, natasia  +, writes (26 August 2010):
 Ok, well, I am going to say something different to everyone else so far.
I don't think you should tell her. And I don't think it will come back to bite you, as people seem to think, so long as the person with whom you were unfaithful (because that is what it was) has also moved on.
If you tell her, you will change her world, and her view of you, forever. You won't be able to come back from this. She will never forget it. And you will most likely lose her, one way or another (either she will break off the engagement, or will stay with you, but with sadness in her eyes, and not trusting you ever again.)
I don't think she 'deserves' to know how you failed her - I think she deserves NOT to know!
But what she does deserve is someone who has learnt his lesson and will now be totally 110% trustworthy. Only YOU know if you can promise and deliver this to her.
So, I don't think anything is to be gained by telling her - I think that is too simplistic a solution here. I think you have your own punishment, as you know what you did, but I think part of that is that you should keep it to yourself.
You need to examine why you did what you did, and whether you are honestly the right person for your fiancee. You have to have a pact with yourself. And protect and cherish her.
That is what I think. This was a fling, as you said - it is gone and past - don't ruin both your lives for something so unimportant, but you MUST learn from it and be the kind of guy she deserves.
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A
male
reader, TimmD +, writes (26 August 2010):
 Not telling her will always leave the possibility that she will find out. All it takes is a slip up from either you (which is less likely) or the woman you cheated with. She could decide to use it against you or blackmail you. Or, she may just make a passing comment to a friend of hers that will accidently make it to your wife. There are so many scenarios out there as to how your partner can find out, are you willing to live with that for the rest of your life.
And before you say "The other woman would NEVER say anything..." do some research. On this site along there have been MANY times something like this comes back to bite them in the butt. Also, there have been times a partner's guilt effects the overall relationship. Guilt can manifest itself it many subconscious ways.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (26 August 2010): The person who cares the less about the relationship is more likely to do something stupid thus ruining it. Of course your fiance deser. to know what you did even if it was a year ago. The guilt is probably eating you up because, you also may feel that once you do tell, and if she does decide to stay with you, that she just might cheat on you!!! Then there will be another set of problems.
Whatever happens, you brought this on yourself.....if she does leave you, maybe you can locate the woman you cheated on her with and see if she wants to be with you...but if she is a self respecting woman, she will pass.
Shame on you sir...shame on you.
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A
female
reader, tennisstar88 +, writes (26 August 2010):
 Honesty is the best policy, and no matter what the truth will always come out..you could slip up and tell her, the fling could contact her in the future and tell her. Karma is a bitch and it will come around and you will get yours..I know because I cheated on my now ex fiance twice, never told him..our engagement ended nasty due to other reasons, came home my stuff was thrown out in front of the apartment complex and I was locked out, had to quickly move in with my friend to save $, that's when the economy started to fall, I got my hours cut at work, couldn't pay for my fall classes, my friend was tired of me living with her, so I moved back in with my parents, quit my job, had no money for school, my car got repo-ed, and I was jobless for 4 months until I got a crap retail job making a dollar less than I was making with crappy hours. Needless, to say I got mine. If I wouldn't have cheated wold we still be together, no. I now know he wasn't the one. Every choice you make no matter how small or big has a consequence...
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (26 August 2010): You had much more than an "emotional fling" if you had sex. That's a physical affair.
What makes you feel you love your fiancee more now than ever before? If you cheated on her once, you honestly might be compelled to cheat on her again, next time you feel like you need someone to better fulfill emotional - but mostly physical - needs.
Your fiancee has a right to know about your indiscretions before marrying you.
Some obvious negative consequences of you not telling her are:
1. You will have to live with the guilt for the rest of your life. If you're already feeling guilty, this is only going to get much, much worse.
2. If she finds out on her own later, she is going to be much more angry than if you were open and honest with her.
3. If you contracted some kind of STD while with the other woman, you could pass this onto your new wife. Many men carry but do not show signs or symptoms of things like HPV (genital warts), which causes cervical cancer in women. If she ends up with an STD, she's going to seriously question your fidelity.
Now here are some negative consequences of telling her:
1. You don't get to marry her because she breaks it off with you.
2. She loses her trust for you for a while until you prove that you're a man now, and not a libido-driven scumbag.
As for not being able to bare causing her great pain, you should've thought about that before you decided to have sex with another woman. You'll get no pity party from anyone here about that.
Not disclosing information about yourself is keeping secrets. Aren't marriages supposed to be open and trusting and honest? If you're not willing to have an open, honest marriage, I'm not sure that it'll even work out with the both of you anyway.
I'm sorry if this sounds harsh, but it's honestly the truth. You are an adult man, therefore you are capable of practicing self-control over your actions, desires and expressions.
Best of luck to you in whatever you decide to do.
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A
female
reader, answerfromtheheart +, writes (26 August 2010):
 If the woman you had the affair or anyone who knows about the affair will say something and your wife realizes that the affair was during your courtship with her - that might cause a huge deal.
Make sure you cut all loose ends, and she never finds out.
But usually I would be more afraid that your wife will do the same thing you did to her, in which case you will have to forgive her, because you know you are guilty of the same thing.
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A
female
reader, LiloCoke +, writes (26 August 2010):
women NEVER forget such things..it'll keep comin back at ya 4ever...
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