A
female
age
30-35,
*hinkingOverdrive
writes:I posted a question a few days ago, but here is an update.I knew my boyfriend of 3 years was lying to me about certain things so I got access to his email account on Friday night, then did the same thing to his facebook account. I found dozens and dozens of conversations from girls he's been talking to (whilst with me, and who knew he was in a relationship) trying to get female attention, asking for pictures/ sending them ones of him etc. I also found confirmation that he'd cheated on me twice last year (once drunkenly with one girl; but the other he'd apparently met up with for like 2 months, had sex with her twice and she gave him oral sex once) and slept with a girl whilst we were separated for a few months (whilst he was trying to win me back).He'd lied about this all along, but admitted it all to me once I told him I read all these conversations. He didn't hold anything back this time at least, and told me everything I wanted to know. After a lot of questions and shouting on my part and tears from us both, he's finally been hit with the extent of what he's done and sounds genuinely sorry and disgusted with himself for what he's done to me. He insists that he loves me, but he says he has a problem that he hasn't been able to overcome, saying that he feels like he needs female validation from outside the relationship as he felt I would find him attractive no matter what he looked like and just wanted attention from people who didn't have 'love goggles' on, so to speak.He feels terrible for what he's done and is seeking counselling and went to the doctor this morning to organise it all. He also had a slight drug problem that he's also seeking help for. He's deleted his facebook account and got rid of all the numbers off his phone apart from family, work and me; saying that he wants nothing to do with the person he was and is disgusted that he has done something like this to me.Obviously I ended the relationship as I can't trust him after what he's done. However, if say in a year or so (or however long it takes) if he's sorted himself out properly and grown up emotionally, would I be an idiot to take him back if there comes a point where I can trust him again? I'm a very introverted person and don't have many friends, and I can't see myself having the opportunity to meet anyone who I can be myself with like I was with him.We've been speaking since it all came out as I keep having questions I want to ask and stuff like that, but last night he said it would be in my best interests to cut him out of my life. He said no matter what he'll always love me and live with the pain of having lost the best thing that will ever happen to him, but he has to think of my happiness and he thinks for me to be happy I have to cut all ties with him. The thought of not having him in my life made me burst into tears, and I couldn't stop crying for hours, through which he consoled me on the phone. I know mostly that's my fear of not being able to find anyone else, but also I feel in my heart that (despite all he's done) I'll never be able to find someone who I can open up to like that again. Do I sound like a complete idiot or can people with these sorts of problems genuinely change?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 January 2013): No you shouldn't get back with him in a year or whenever, for this reason:"I'm a very introverted person and don't have many friends, and I can't see myself having the opportunity to meet anyone who I can be myself with like I was with him."The reason has to do with YOU, not with HIM. You see, you are operating from a position of weakness. You're afraid of being alone. and you're afraid of never finding anyone else. That's why you are even considering getting back with him. If in a year or two you're still afraid of being alone and still afraid of never finding anyone better, and you meet him again, you will take him back no matter if he's changed or not.Until you work on yourself and get yourself healthier, you won't be in a position to judge if he's changed or not whether it's in one year or 20 years, you'll be talking yourself into believing he's changed so you can take him back to solve your fear of being alone.
A
female
reader, maverick494  +, writes (9 January 2013):
You're smarter than this, OP. Trust your gut, because deep down you know the truth.
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A
male
reader, Serpico +, writes (9 January 2013):
You are out of a bad situation. Thank your personal God and never look back.
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A
male
reader, JustHelpinAgain  +, writes (9 January 2013):
OP when you are older and look back you will see how this so called boyfriend manipulated you. Yes he may grow up in 5 years and become a trustworthy partner but are you going to be his doormat till then?
Take a deep breath and work on your own future.
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A
male
reader, anon_e_mouse +, writes (9 January 2013):
 It'll never happen. Wait a year? Think of all the good men you might be missing. You might find yourself a good looking, decent, confident, romantic, affectionate guy... A REAL man. But you're willing to wait a year for this idiot?
I wonder what you're life with this guy will be like after 5 years of marriage. Makes me shudder to think.
Why waste your time?
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (8 January 2013):
 oh and I wouldn't "wait" for him.
get on with your life... if after a year of solid recovery (with proof) then you want to try again and you are not otherwise engaged with other dates.... giving him a chance is not a bad thing.
don't hold your breath however... most folks who go into recovery need several tries and several trips to the gutter before they are truly ready.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (8 January 2013): Yes you would be an absolute, complete and utter fool to wait a whole year at your age waiting and hoping this guy will change when I would bet my house he won't.
OP his "reasons" are horseshit. Name the mental illness he wants counselling for? There is no mental illness classified for people who just don't love you enough to be able to remain faithful. That's not something that can be fixed because guess what, being a low down, disgusting lying cheat who risks giving STD's to his girlfriend too is not a mental illness. Being an asshole is not a disease OP.
That was a very convoluted, sneaky but I must quite intelligent way of getting out of this shit to be honest and keeping you hanging on.
What does he want to recover from? 'can't-keep-my-dick-in-my-pantsitis?'
"sounds genuinely sorry and disgusted with himself for what he's done to me." Thats should read: "sounds genuinely sorry and disgusted with himself that he was caught."
OP quick question, do you really believe if you hadn't caught him he would have told you? Nope, he'd just have kept on lying and cheating, and now he's playing a tonne of games about how sorry he is, about how he now realizes the extent of what he did (didn't realize that at the time no? Or the third time? No? Really?), he's making up some shit about having some kind of problem with validation (oh for fuck sake, give me a break that's right out of an episode of Dr. Phil), and best of all and probably the lowest trick in the book he plays the martyr and does the whole I'll love you forever, I've lost the best thing ever wah-waa boo-fucking-hoo. Look you're young, so I can understand why you're falling for this, as it sounds like your first proper long term adult relationship.
OP this guy, 'mr perfect', 'so sorry', 'realizes how wrong he is', is a fucking lying cheat and all this shit is just another lie and manipulation.
You lost your trust for him, that was the smartest thing you did but you seem far too willing to believe all this bullshit he just spout. The only sensible thing he's said is the cutting all contact thing and he only said that because he knows you won't.
You cannot trust a single word he says from now on. he's not going to set you free, he'll keep harassing you with "I love you's, I'm changing for you's, and I miss you's" I guarantee that and he's not going to go for long term treatment for being a cheater because he doesn't have to.
I hate to say it OP but I think a month or two of buttering you up and you'll be right back with him, hoping he's changed. But as others have said, it takes years and tonnes of work to change habits and behaviours. And you cannot be around your enabler when you do that, you being his enabler in all this.
And lastly, how can he ever have claimed to love you and then do all this stuff to you? How does that make sense to you? Maybe one drunken night could be a mistake, on drunken night that he owned up to straight away but this guy played you for years.
Don't be a fool OP, cut him off, no comebacks and that's that. Friendship with him will be way too hard so cut him off completely. OP people who hurt you this badly should never, ever get a second chance to do so. Would you rather be alone or would rather be in a relationship with a guy who fucks you over so badly and causes you this much pain?
I'd rather be happy, alone and independent than have to be in a relationship with someone who just chewed me up, spat me out and then shat all over me.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (8 January 2013):
standard rule for folks in recovery...
NO relationships at all for the first year of recovery.
IF after a year in recovery you want to give him another chance I would be supportive of your choice.
BUT he needs to actually be working his recovery and he needs to be doing it a year without the complications of a relationship.
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A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (8 January 2013):
 Sure people can change..... BUT....
... why spend your time and mental energy, over the next year, musing about this (HIS!) transformation... which may - or may NOT - occur????
Get on with your life.... and, if the stars line up correctly, in the future, perhaps you will reconnect with this guy... But, don't pay much attention to that prospect for the time being....
Good luck....
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A
female
reader, ThinkingOverdrive +, writes (8 January 2013):
ThinkingOverdrive is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you for your response; I too said that when I was ripping into him about it, but I do think his response was genuine. He has been completely honest about everything and has told me everything I've wanted to know - he went to the doctor this morning who has forwarded his information to a rehabilitation centre or something, and he has also been diagnosed with clinical depression. The doctor said that he probably did those things because he hated himself so much that he craved attention from everyone else, and tried to make him happy with himself that way, or something along those lines anyway. He is going to be contacted by a counsellor.
He only said the thing about it being in my best interests to cut him out because I was so upset, and I kept talking of how bad the pain is to be betrayed this way. I think it was his way of trying to make me happy in the long run, but the thought of not being able to see if he can turn his life around and become the person I fell in love with again just made me more upset.
Obviously I'm not going to plan my life around him, but I would like to stay in touch with him; and I would never get back with him if I thought he hadn't fixed his problems
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (8 January 2013):
 People with this kind of problems ,as with any kind of problems, can change if they genuinely, strongly want to change, which in his case I doubt. I find highly suspicious that he got so desperately repentant , and disgusted with himself, just when he got caught red handed and not one second before, and I find even more suspicious that first he makes a songs and a dance about how he is so bad and want to change and I 'm sorry never again,- then ,right after ,he already admits that it would be in your best interest to cut him off your life and, basically, says , best wishes but, you go ahead on your own.
I think he thought a big dramatic teary scene was going to be enough to get you back, - it wasn't , he realized that he will have ( or he WOULD have ) actually to go to counselling, make big efforts, apply radical changes etc... and he thought this is too much work for a chick, any chick.
Anyway, one year is quite a while , you'll cross that bridge when you'll reach there. Let him follow his path of growth and change by himself, and in the meantime please , do NOT sit there waiting for him. Do not force yourself to date right away if you don't feel like it, but please do not play patient Penelope waiting for an Ulysses that most probably could soon sail for all different seas. You live your life, work or study, do your thing, see friends, do whatever feels right for YOU as if your ex did not even exist. THEN, if in a year or so, you are still single, and he has completed counseling and really become a different person,you'll decide what you feel about tryng again.
But for now , let go of him and his silly " validation needs " i.e. : arrogant whims.
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