A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:My fiancee and I are both graduating college next month and getting married this summer. We are both virgins and both wanted to stay that way for marriage.Problem is my fiancee had a situation about 3 years ago, and now she's saying things to me like she's not good enough for me, I should find someone else because she's not totally sure she's a virgin.About 3 years ago before she met me, she dated this guy 4 times. Well on the last date she was drugged, either by this guy, or one of his friends/accomplices. My fiancee doesn't drink anything more than 1 glass of wine. That night she was drinking soda. She remembers "waking up" at his apartment in his living room. Then she remembers being in his bedroom, both of them naked, and him on top of her. She told him NO, Stop. Then the next thing she remembers is waking up in the morning in his bed, both of them still naked. She doesn't know what happened. I asked her was there bleeding, soreness, anything and she said not that she can recall.I have told my fiancee my feelings on the matter several times, but she is still upset over this 'possibly' not being a virgin for our wedding night. She doesn't know that I'm asking for advice, but I intend on showing her your responses to see if you agree with me. My feeling is, since she was drugged, never gave consent, and doesn't remember almost anything about that night, that even if the asshole did stick his penis in her, she would still be a virgin because she doesn't remember if it even happened. Am I right? Thanks.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (26 April 2010): This is my post. Thank you for all your answers. Unfortunately, I'm going to copy/paste your answers and delete the ones that are hurtfull.
There is no definate evidence that this 'asshole' actually put his thing in my future wife, but she doesn't remember, so it's a 'maybe' it happened. To most of you, I say thanks, yes I agree if there is no rememberance, or emotional things attached to it, then this didn't really count, she is still a virgin. If he really continued after my fiancee said NO, then I guess we'll never know, so I think we should proceed assuming that he didn't. She said he was a 'big boy', so I think she would have been hurting or had some soreness if he actually did it to her.
Either way, my feeling stands, she didn't 'allow' or 'encourage' this, so if it was a date-rape, she should still be allowed to consider herself a virgin.
A
female
reader, It's all be okay  +, writes (26 April 2010):
I assume that you both want to wait till you get married to have sex with each other because you want a formal commitment before making a physical commitment.
Whether or not she was penetrated in this situation by that guy does not affect that desire that the both of you share.
You sound like you're saying all the right things to her - that you love her, that she is good enough for you, that you don't care about this incident - which after all was not her choice - and so on.
But if she is not happy with this, then she may need some counselling - after all, she was raped, and that is horrible, shocking, dirty, cruel - even if you're not a virgin or have this kind of feeling about sex. She needs support and probably more than you have the experience to give. I would suggest you approach a rape helpline to see what kind of support is available.
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A
male
reader, ManAfterChrist +, writes (26 April 2010):
 She is all hung up over being a virgin or not, but the real question is "Is she still pure?", and that answer is yes. Who cares if the doctor would call her a virgin or not, both of us know she's still pure! You need to convince her of that and make her feel secure about it. You are probably okay with the whole thing (besides of course that guy was a complete d***), but this has most likely been tearing her up since it happened. Be there for her, let her know she is still pure, and congrats for making it so long!!
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (26 April 2010): If this is really what happened then I would view her to be just as "virginal" as if it hadn't happened.
But is this what happened? I also think it sounds at least a little suspicious. Like maybe she's telling you it was non-consensual rather than admit she just lost her virginity and regrets it now. Plus the fact that she is so guilty over something that would not be her fault. Every girl I have known who kept her virginity that old had to have some real willpower, and that kind of person seems more likely to get plain old outraged at the rapist rather than turn her guilt inwards. Her reaction is still understandable but I would have expected it frim a girl who was 15 when it happened more than on an adult virgin.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (26 April 2010): Virginity is something that has to be given willfully to another person, it can't be taken. If like some others she's 'techinically' or 'physically' not a virgin then neither are girls who lost their hymens to tampons or riding bikes/horses.
Virginity is the emotional act of giving yourself completely to a person sexually for the first time, it can't be taken by force. So yeah she's still completely a virgin, end of story.
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (26 April 2010):
 This is to your fiancee.
Hi, I understand you think that you are somehow unworthy of marrying this man because of some confusion over the definition of virginity.
I think this is something else. I think that due to this date-rape situation, you feel unworthy of marrying him. This isn't about virginity or not, this is about repairing yourself following this situation.
You've tried to hide from it, ignore it, not talk about it, but now that you are facing the possibility of marriage and all that entails, including starting a sex life with your man, now that all that is in your immediate future, you are suddenly paralyzed by fear.
You don't know how to have a sex life with him without recalling this situation, this violation of you as a person. To be drugged and possibly assaulted by a guy you trusted is shocking and scary and awful. The real problem is that you may have started to blame yourself. You may be blaming yourself and deciding that you are not worthy of him because you put yourself in this situation and that somehow it is your fault. Your mind is telling you that you caused this.
This is not true. You didn't cause it. You were a victim.
The problem now is that your thinking is skewed because of this. You're not looking at this from a healthy perspective and until you come to grips with this, you won't be able to be in a healthly marriage.
I feel very strongly that you should find a good counselor, a qualified psychologist or psychotherapist, and work through this incident and the damage that it has done to you.
Please don't run and hide from this anymore. The sooner you deal with this, even three years on, the sooner you can begin your life free of guilt and free of any self-imposed labels or stigma.
I want you to be healthy and happy, I want you to be with this man if you are ready to be. He loves you, he cares deeply for you and wants to be with you. He wishes for your happiness above all else.
Please do yourself the favor of getting the professional help you need. Your 40 year old self will thank you for dealing with it now, rather than hiding from it and not allowing yourself to lead a happy and healthy, fulfilling and special life.
Best wishes to you.
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A
female
reader, Vicci +, writes (26 April 2010):
 No offence, but it sounds like your fiancee may be lying to you. She might be covering up for the fact she has had sex before by telling you this story. By not ringing the police, or doing anything about what happened, it sounds a bit fake to me.
But, i think if it is real, she told you! that in itseolf makes her worthy as a wife/
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (26 April 2010):
 If she has been penetrated and got her hymen broken, technically she is not a virgin anymore. But who cares about technicalities ? If your gf was the victim of a date-rape, she is much more of a virgin than thousands of girls who get married with an intact hymen and other far-from-intact body orifices.
Btw,this has got nothing to do with your question and is also none of my business, ok- but : you do not mention yr gf calling the police after that. I really do hope she did and did not just let the culprit free to try his sleazy tricks on other innocent victims.
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A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (26 April 2010):
 Mentally still a virgin I guess, but not physically a virgin. And I think all evidence says she was date-raped. And she should have reported that guy. Did she? Did she ever go seek help?
You need to ask her these questions. And if she didn't seek help back then, she still needs it now. Thing is it doesn't fully matter if you are okay with what happened to her or not, because it matters a great deal to her. You can be there and support her basically, but you saying it is fine and you still consider her a virgin wont make her pain go away. It will help her, yes, but it doesn't take away the fact that she was raped.
Did she even use the word "rape" when she told you about this? If not it is very likely that she is in denial and doesn't want to see this as rape out of pure horror. But either way she is dealing with it's effct on her mentality and she needs help.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (26 April 2010): You know what even if this guy stuck his penis in her she'd still be a virgin in my book. Rape is rape.
If she can't remember it then when she's with you (her future husband) for that first time that's is what she will remember.
Honestly though just go to the doctor to see if the hymn is broken or not. If it is though don't feel unworthy of your husband cause he obviously loves you very much. Don't let some asshole ruin your honeymoon.
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