A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:my boyfriend and i have been together for over two years now. we are now getting married. he was unemployed for over a year. i payed for our entertainment. some of this was expensive at times. he just recently got a job again. this job does pay well. i thought that now that he was making money again he would want to pay for our entertainment-going out to dinner etc.. but he doesn't. we go dutch 99% of the time. what should i think about this? should i say anything about this or just deal with it?
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female
reader, It's all be okay  +, writes (26 April 2010):
What is your problem? Is it A) that you want him to pay you back for paying for things when he was unemployed? If so, why don't you just say "hey, you owe me $500 for paying for everything while you were unemployed"? But that sounds a bit weird to me - like you are counting your pile of money and his pile of money. Particularly when you are about to get married, when realistically, your money will become entwined, and if you get divorced, all your joint money is likely to be split between you - making it rather academic who paid for dinner. Or is it B) that you want to be treated like a lady, who gets spoiled by her man treating her? But that needn't be about money - does he make the effort to suggest things to do that you might like? do you feel special? does he bring you little gifts and surprises? Do you just want to be seen to be the lady in public? If so, how about getting a joint credit card, which he can use in public, and you split the bill when it arrives - so that you look like you were treated. Or do you have some deeper problem? Something related to getting married? Are you worried you are marrying someone who is not generous?
A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (26 April 2010):
 Deal with it I guess. He didn't ever promise you he'd pay you back did he? I guess he is thinkin in either case that now you are getting married and so if you ever get unemployed he will pay for you. If you have worries you can ask him about this and what his thoughts are so you can understand him better. It would worry me too if I was in your shoes, but a good rule to follow is: never lend out money you can't afford to give away. This works for favours like paying for the entertainment too. If you couldn't afford it you shouldn't have payed for it. And you shouldn't pay and then expect it to be returned. Because most people tend to take advantage of favours like this and not return them.
But like I said there's a fair chance that he is in marriage-mode thinking, meaning that he intends to pay for you whenever you need something you can't afford. Or that when you get married you will have a joined economy meaning that it doesn't matter who pays for what since all your money will just be "ours" and not "mine" or "yours".
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