A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:What goes on in a man's head when he's had some sort of sexual contact with his girlfriend for the first time, whether it's oral sex or full sex? I've always regretted splitting up with my first love as he is the only one who has bolted after having sex. The second one I think held out for the sex and then dumped me as soon as he got it (just the one time). It took him 4 days to call me after it happened and then I think he only called me because his Mum nagged him to! After the sex he put little effort into the relationship and contact dried up. Well, here I am with my third boyfriend, and I gave him oral sex the other night for the first time at his request. We've been going out a month. I feel it was far too soon. Well, ever since then the messages from him have dwindled significantly from before but I don't know what is going on. Given my previous experience I thought he would drop off the face of the earth but he hasn't. He initiates all the messages. Do men freak out when they have sex with a new partner for the first time so they need some time out? Do they think they don't have to put so much effort into a relationship once they have had sex? Or is that they feel comfortable so don't feel the need to contact their partner so much? Or am I being played again? Is he feeling embarrassed about what happened? How do I talk to him about it and what do I say?
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female
reader, TaylorChu  +, writes (25 July 2007):
 Not going to lump all men into one category. I do find that once you give guys who have been wanting sex with you that pleasure, they are gone. They got what they wanted and you were used. I have been in that situation 3 times and that's it. They got the prize and have no more use for you. They know you through and through and there is no more surprise or mystery to you.
Find a man who is willing to COMMIT to you. One who loves you for who you are not what your body looks like and has the same moral standing and values as you. Many people like to use sex as a given in a relationship. When taken for granted "oh because we are in a relationship, we should have sex" it doesnt do anything to fortify the relationship because there is no promise, hard work or ring to show the effort. It is just something to do with someone who is willing to give it up.
This is why i refuse to have sex at all while dating. i dont fully know the person. I dont want to be used and tossed like tissue paper! If guys who are hungry for sex know they can get it no strings attached then they will go for it and leave you twisting in the wind. It is all about the hunt to some guys. Once they get you they leave you because the game is over, the challenge is complete.
*word to the wise: many men dont have emotions invested in sex. its a physical thing. women on the other hand have emotions invested in sex and just about all else because we are wired like that. So when men say "dont get attached" it is near impossible for women to do so because we flow with our emotions unlike guys who dont live by emotions like women do.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (25 July 2007): well im a guy and the first time i had sex with the one i loved i felt like something wasnt right. i was thinking to myself in my head "do i not love her anymore, have i just used her for sex?" i didnt want that to happen because i really loved this girl.. and it didnt happen i was with her for 3 years before we split up. but some men act all nice to you like they want a long relationship but all they really want is the sex, after they get that they will fade away. im not saying this is for all men, but there are men that do that :) hope this helps.
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A
male
reader, Danielepew  +, writes (25 July 2007):
 I'm not sure whether this question can be answered for all men in general. As Stanley Cup said, there are all types of guys out there.
I do believe I can answer this question making particular reference to your boyfriend. I agree with Stanley Cup: he doesn't seem to be a player. Maybe he does feel comfortable with you and doesn't see the need to contact you so much.
I'm afraid I couldn't tell you're being played again. But, as far as we know, it doesn't seem so. Apparently he does want to stay.
I don't think he's feeling embarrassed. Trust me on this one: I don't think any man would be embarrassed in his situation. Maybe there's one, but I think it would be highly unlikely.
I suppose you want to talk to him about not being played again. I suggest you be absolutely open about this fear. He will know how to behave with you to remove your doubts.
Not all men dump their women after they manage to have sex. There are just so many examples of it. Some men, however, insist that much on sex that the woman gets the impression sex is all that matters. Sometimes it is. I suppose this could become an issue with your boyfriend, and maybe you should talk to him about this, too. He should show his love in other ways.
Hope this helps.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (25 July 2007): I"m a guy. Here's how I see it. Some of you for the first sex encounter don't revel in it. So the guy (some) feel that they didn't do you justice. OR you weren't as interesting in bed as you made yourself out to be. Now, if in this case the guy is coming to the table first with messages. Then you should be responding and you should be offering them back, because guys like nothing more than too feel wanted, desired and thought of too. YES, just like all you ladies. Only, most of you are too self-absorbed with what am I going to wear next, or how many ways can I change my appearence after I'm dating a guy for a while, to the point where, the guy is done, because you're all about yourself and not really showing him back the YOU'RE ALL ABOUT HIM". He's certainly giving it to you, but most women miss the boat on this ride. They think it's expected. I got news for you, it's not and it shouldn't be. And any guy who doesn't say, bro, you're so right is hiding behind a fear of showing his real feelings on the subject. Maybe you, expected too much after the first sexcapade, maybe he thought you did. Or like you didnt mention. Maybe you never card enough to throw him some flowers or do something outrageous to show what a good time you had with him on that special night. Relationships are 50-50, but sometimes you got to up the odds if you want it in your favor and work for it. If they leave, then it wasn't meant to be then you should move on and not blame yourself.
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A
male
reader, Stanley Cup +, writes (25 July 2007):
There are all types of different men out there. Some are "players" just looking for another notch to put on their belt. Others are the "nice guys" who put women up on a pedestal. Guys that are players will disappear once they've had their "conquest". The nice guy might be trying to appear not so needy and give you your space. You said that he is initiating all the messages, so I would not put him in the player category. Maybe you can try sending him messages, too. Let him know that you're still interested and ask when the two of you will see each other again. Believe it or not, but guys have insecurities and fears also.
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