A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:my girlfriend iv been seeing for 6 months and known a year is wonderful, shes beautiful, funny, clever, and so caring to everyone even people she doesnt kno, and i love her very much. only problem is she has no self esteem and thinks shes useless, worthless, ugly and stupid. shes not being modest or anything apparantly shes been that way since she was a child, she just doesnt see all the good in her that i and everyone else does. i tell her what a great person she is and how smart and lovely she is, i compliment her a lot, she does accept the compliments but always sez that she thinks im crazy for thinkin what i do about her. all my and her firends agree shes a gift, thers never been a person so comapssionate to the world and we all aodre her. how can i make her see what i see? i cant stand that she hates herself and thinks so little of herself despite what a gem she is. i dont want her going through life anymore thinking shes worthless. any suggestions?
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reader, anonymous, writes (25 July 2007): I have always had a problem with self-hatred due to my family upbringing. My boyfriend's helped me out with that a lot - having me see what he sees - through writing. Because we only saw each other once a week in the beginning, we were in constant contact over email and sent each other e-cards and real cards. He wrote the most wonderful things that I didn't see in myself; once when I was really depressed and asked him what was good about me and why I should even bother sticking around, he emailed me an entire list, e.g.: Trivial But Nice Things I Love About _______, 1. your t*ts, 2, your ass, 3. your smile, 4. your hair. Then he went onto "More Important Things I Love About _________, a whole bunch of them, and listed them all out very eloquently. The valentine's day card I got from him was a poem he wrote expressing the gratitude he felt having me in his life, how I changed his life, etc.
So I say put it in writing; make it romantic and truthful and it's something she can read over and over again (and she will!) and treasure. Be as specific as possible about all the reasons why she is wonderful and has blessed your life.
A
male
reader, Uncle Trev  +, writes (25 July 2007):
We all see beauty differantly. I no doubt what I conceive as beautiful others would conceive as ugly. One of the most beautiful things I notice in a woman is radience, the way in which she smiles with her eyes.I am in no doubt by what you have written that your lady is extremely beautiful.Try praising her like Stanley has mentioned as this would make a good start. Telling her that no matter what she thinks of herself it will never stop you loving her with everything you have. I cannot help wondering if the problem she has stems from childhood in which case some regressive therapy may well be needed. Has anybody at school, a parent, an uncle or a family friend called her ugly or worthless years ago? This could have sewed a seed that is blossoming now.Try re-assuring her that you know how great she is by her humbleness. After all the really great heroes and great achievers in the world have a sense of modesty and humbleness. Maybe getting all of your friends to write down what they honestly think about her and then letting her read the answers they have put. As you have said "She has no self esteem" Have you managed to get her to read any PMA books? Reading a little of these each day can really begin to help. No matter what way you go around this I have a feeling the way this is going to improve is by a little imput each day to create a gradual change over several months. And boy does she sound like she is worth it - you lucky fellow.
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A
male
reader, Uncle Trev +, writes (25 July 2007):
Beauty is one of the hardest things to actually explain to somebody. What I think is beautiful others think is ugly, and vice versa too.I can't help being convinced that somebody has referred to her as ugly way back in her childhood and she has hung onto this believing it to be so.One of the things I personally find beautiful in a lady is radience. The way they have the ability to smile with their eyes - with that little bit of sparkle so to say. I think in your shoes when she does something that is good although she may think nothing of it - mention it to her about how nice that was, how selfless she was. Tell her how proud you are of her. Also no matter what she thinks of herself it will never stop you loving her. I know this lady is exceptionally beautiful and acceptionally attractive because everything you have said about her says that there is not an ugly bone in her body. There only seems to be one person in the world who doesn't see this beauty and that is her. The same way that a severe anorexic dropping below 70 pounds in weight sees themselves as fat.I feel that regular re-assurance and maybe some regressive therapy if the problem is deeper is the way forward.Hope this has helped a bit.
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A
male
reader, Stanley Cup  +, writes (25 July 2007):
Man, I have to say that I'm somewhat envious of you. You are really lucky to have such a wonderful woman in your life.My advice is to tell her how lucky you feel you are to be involved with her. It might be that she will understand that better because it is about you. Also, when she does something wonderful, comment on it right then and there, and be specific. She might think that you are just trying to make her feel better when you tell her how wonderful she is. But if you have specific examples, she will see that you aren't just trying to pick her spirits up, and maybe then she will start to see what you see.
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