A
male
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I need advice. My girlfriend of 5 years broke up with me after she found out me and my guy friends went to a stripclub and got lap dances. I mentioned to her that they were pressuring me into going but told her that i did not really care to go. But my friends all have girlfriends some which didnt mind except one whos girlfriend threw a fit at the idea. All my friends teased him for how childish they said his girlfriend was being so i gave in and went i suppose out of fear theyd tease me about my partner too. I ended up getting a few lapdances from one stripper, she was a bit touchy feely but i didnt want that. Well she found out and was very upset and broke up with me. We've never much fought before let alone broke up. Im not sure what to do. She hates my friends now and wont even speak to me.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (16 October 2020): Sounds to me like the relationship is over. Move on.
You knew your ex didn't want you to go. You went, you got caught and she dropped you.
Actions have consequences
Oh yeah you're an adult, stop blaming your friends for your choices.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 October 2020): You broke her trust in you.You will never get that trust back ever no matter how hard you try.It is over and yes it is your fault one hundred percent.What you can do now is learn from this.Learn that women are worth more than sex and are real people.Learn that friends come and go but your partner would not.Your friends also do not care about you at all if they would tease you for not going.Great friends hey?You think like all you guys are 13 and not grown men.Maybe you are not mature enough to handle a grown up relationship.Move on learn from this never do it again.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 October 2020): From my perspective the fact you gave in to peer pressure from your friends would be as hurtful as you getting a lapdance. She wants a man, not a sheep. You screwed up this time. You can apologise and she might forgive you but if not I'm afraid you will just have to learn and move on.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 October 2020): You fucked up royally. You are going to have to accept the consequences. I think it is unfair to judge with certainty what you were thinking exactly. Only you know your own motivations. Did you go enjoy the lap dance and get turned on by it? Did you secretly want a sexual exchange with another woman and this was a way to do it without thinking you are crossing the line because you paid for it and it was just a business transaction, which you would forget about right after? Well, as a guy, you probably would forget about it after the deed is done, paid or not. It meant nothing to you I am sure when it was over. But to your girlfriend it meant everything. While you were having fun, she was tossed aside. You didn't think about her for a second while some other woman was grinding on you. If you did, you would not have done it. It is just disrespectful and thoughtless. And very selfish. My husband was being taken out by the guys for his stag party when we got married. He did NOT get a lap dance, even without me asking. He made that decision all on his own. Because he knew I would not like it and he wasn't interested in having another woman grind all over him when he had me. Also, none of his friends respected him less for not doing it. Nobody pressured anyone. True friends will never pressure you into doing anything you do not want to do. So, I think you should rethink who you keep as friends. I think stags are so stupid because men make such fools of themselves in strip clubs. It really is pretty pathetic to see how they act around naked women, and with each other, like they are uncivilized cavemen with no brains. They don't see themselves but it is actually quite amusing when a bunch of men get together. I think some men succumb to peer pressure. And I think they are weak in the moment. I also believe they later regret doing it. And wish they hadn't but by then it is too late. They think it is manly to have a naked woman sit on top of them. They think they're the MAN by playing along with the boys will be boys mentality. But they'd be wrong. A real man is confident enough to say no. Confident not to let anyone influence his own convictions. And is evolved enough not to need that baseline form of exploitative, mindless entertainment.Your girlfriend is standing her ground and she has every right. She is sticking to her guns by telling you in no uncertain terms that she will not accept or tolerate this form of behavior. It cost you your relationship. And she is angry and hurt over your actions. You let her down. It think you took her for granted. I am surprised you did it. Do you not know your gf well enough by now to know she would not like it one bit? What did you expect exactly? Did you think she would be okay with it? Some gfs don't take that stuff seriously. They laugh at their boyfriends who do it because the stripper is just performing. She doesn't give a rat's ass about any of these men. She just wants their money. And it is not as if she feels attracted to any of these men either. She pretends to like it and pretends to like you. She may even be high or even drunk. Who knows? Why would you risk your whole relationship for a woman who wants your money and pretends to enjoy herself on your lap? If you think about it that way, it really is a very bad mistake. So, some women do not feel threatened because the stripper will not steal her man. Just provide mindless, fleeting entertainment. And he goes back home to the gf, maybe just a little hornier than he was when he left!! But some gfs know boys will by boys and laugh at it. They know their bf won't fuck the strippers. Other women feel threatened and devalued by men who do this. Makes them feel not good enough. Or attractive enough. Or that their man is bored with her and the relationship. So, compared to a new woman, she feels like yesterday's news. Even if it is a stripper. Women don't ever want to feel like we have competition. We need to be special to you and your focal point. When you stray or we think you will, we push you away. So, at this point, if you want your gf back and are sure you love her and are sure you are serious about her, I would try contacting her and telling her you made the biggest mistake of your life. Tell her you love her. And that she means the world to you. That the stripper was trashy and you did not enjoy any of it because she was not as sexy as your gf. Write her a song and serenade her under her window or write her a poem and read it to her or video yourself and send it to her. Or have roses delivered to her door. Or do it ALL. You are going to have to pull out all the stops. Tell her you will never go back to a club for the rest of your life. And mean it. Tell her you will spend the rest of your life proving to her that you are a good man and will never do anything to make her think otherwise. To please give you one chance, based on the strength of your relationship and the history you have shared together. I would then step away and give her a little space. Do not suffocate her. In the meantime, work on yourself. Do things to make you a better person. Maybe have word get back to your gf that you are volunteering for an animal shelter or some other charity. Use that time to reflect on yourself and what you have learned and commit to improving yourself. It will up to your gf to decide if she can forgive this big mistake you made. If she does, you will be a better person for working on yourself and if she doesn't you will still be a better person for working on yourself.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (15 October 2020): Something you left out - you are not that happy in your relationship, after years of it it is starting to become stale. You went to the lap dances because you cannot get a new and exciting girlfriend. If you had the chance you would have cheated on your girlfriend properly, gone out with her for drinks in the hope of dating her.Because you are not up to much and have a girlfriend and lack character the best you can do is pay to be with another woman, so you settle for that and then make out your so called friends are to blame.Lots of people do stupid things, just because they tell you to do them too does not mean you say yes sir no sir three bags full sir and follow orders.You are supposed to be a grown man who has a brain and can think.You wanted all the fun without the problems, it went wrong. Now suck it.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (15 October 2020): You treated other women as if they were pieces of meat.
You lied to her.
You acted as if she is not enough for you, not exciting enough.
And you wonder why it has ended??!
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female
reader, jls022  +, writes (15 October 2020):
Dude you cheated on her! And before you say to yourself it wasn’t cheating/it was ‘just’ a strip club, ask yourself why you think it’s not cheating to let another woman touch you sexually in exchange for money when it wouldn’t be ok to do it for free? The change of money doesn’t take away from the fact you had sexual relations, even if they were one sided, with another woman!
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female
reader, Youcannotbeserious +, writes (14 October 2020):
 We can do whatever we choose to in this life but it is good to remember that everything comes at a cost. You knew before you went to the club and paid for dances (I am told they are not free or inclusive in the entry price) that it would upset your girlfriend. What was more important to you (if we believe your post entirely) was that your friends would tease you. Have you never been teased by them before? If so, did it not all blow over very quickly? If not, do you just go along with all their whims so that you "fit in"? As for being "childish" because you don't want your boyfriend to be mauled by other women, perhaps that just proves your girlfriend cared about your relationship a lot more than some?
You broke your girlfriend's trust when you lied about not going to the club, then went. You CHOSE to go. Let's not pretend you had no choice. You CHOSE your friend's approval over your girlfriend's trust and feelings. That does not make you good boyfriend material, and certainly not good husband material.
As regards what to do next, well I think a lot of that boils down to whether you realize how badly you screwed up and why. Judging by the contents of your post, this has not dawned on you yet. You blame your friends for pressuring you (and your girlfriend, indirectly, for being "childish" in not wanting you to go) but nowhere do you blame yourself and admit "I was weak, I was lazy, I really wanted to go and decided to do what I wanted, despite knowing my girlfriend would be upset". You probably thought/hoped she would never find out, in which case you would probably have carried on doing it until she did. Was it worth it?
In your shoes I would take a good look at myself and my behaviour (and yes, at who I mix with) and decide where my priorities lie. If your friends' approval is more important to you than your girlfriend, then leave her be and let her find herself a boyfriend who will prioritize her feelings over others'. If you now sincerely realize you messed up, then you need to let her know and se if she can forgive you. She may insist on you dropping the friends whose behaviour you felt you had to emulate. Decide whether this is something you are willing to do because that may the price you have to pay to get her back.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 October 2020): Most women aren’t interested in men who are prepared in participate in buying women and see women as goods to be bought and sold , or who won’t stand up against it ! . If you don’t understand that and the workings of the sex industry perhaps it’s time to read and get educated on the reality of the sex industry .
Sorry but I would have done the exact same as your girlfriend
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 October 2020): For sure this was just an excuse to break up. There's no way you'd throw away a 5 year relationship over something so silly!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (14 October 2020): When men go to strip joints they rarely think through the bigger picture, and, if they do, they must actively NOT care about the bigger picture, if they then go anyway.Strip joints are part of a massive, globalised sex industry that has gotten well out of hand since the 1960s and 70s, when porn became part of an idea of freedom of expression. Now it involves sex trafficking of woman, children and even animals, all to temporarily satisfy the most base desires of so called 'men'. The greed involved of those who exploit the women and children and animals they use to make money is obscene. The violence, corruption and downright evilness of those involved in running the sex industry and in consuming experiences provided by it, are limitless and intrinsically woven into other evils of our time - global drug trafficking, international warfare in which women are routinely raped as part of the attack against geographical areas and populaces. Kids being kidnapped, sold, murdered, to satisfy the desires of pedophiles. All of this and more is linked to the exact same thing you were too cowardly to say no to. I don't blame your girlfriend for not speaking to you, not at all. This kind of cowardice is despicable and the actions involved are cowardly too - men trying to feel more like men, because inwardly they are immature idiots and too brainless and selfish to think through how their actions are linked to massive exploitation and corruption and prefer to think 'It's just harmless fun". It's not just that you and your friends need to grow up, you need to realise that this kind of attitude is becoming dated and unacceptable in a changing world - you are acting like children and, at the same time, dirty old men from several decades ago - at best it's as boring as hell for most women to encounter.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 October 2020): My boyfriend’s excitement to go to a strip club and dismissing of me when I expressed concern over him getting a lap dance was the final straw, leading me to break up with him. I’m so glad others have responded similarly to my thoughts. Allow me to share HER perspective. It is absolutely devastating and demoralizing when someone you love, cherish, and care for PAYS for someone else to touch them sexually. It makes us feel like trash and like we don’t matter. Based on all you’ve said, this has been a good relationship and she’s a great girlfriend. Knowing this would hurt her, you caved to peer pressure? Honestly, you don’t deserve her if you’re so quick to betray her. Don’t blame the peer pressure. Your friends sound terrible, but you perpetuated the misogyny just as much. Move on and focus on growing up and finding new friends. I can guarantee you she won’t be coming back.
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A
male
reader, MuchosTacosyChurros  +, writes (14 October 2020):
You have to understand one thing: some folks, be them male or female, consider strip clubs the basest and most deplorable form of "entertainment" created by man. I am one of those folks, to the point many years ago (I was still living in Florida) I had a humongous fight with a group of local acquaintances who wanted to take me to a strip club as a birthday gift. While you wouldn't catch me dead in a strip club and I would have got angry anyway, what really made me furious was the lying since I was told they were taking me to a brand new seafood restaurant for dinner.I personally don't know your girlfriend, but if she is anything like me she'd probably get over the strip club thing if you sincerely apologize and behave from now on but the lying... because you told her you were going somewhere else, right? I honestly don't know if she will really get over it, even if things outwardly return to normal: there will always be something in the back of her mind telling her you cannot be completely trusted.Your call on what to do next but prepare for the worst.
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female
reader, CindyCares +, writes (14 October 2020):
 What to do ?...
I'd try to apologize, in fact grovel if you have to, one last time, trying to show her that you understand what you did wrong and why she has cause to be upset. Because I am not very sure that you °did° understand so far...
I mean that I think that your gf was upset not only because she does not condone you taking part in lewd acts with other women ( one thing it's just °watching° topless girls, -although some girlfriends would not tolerate even that, it is more juvenile than disrespectful; all another story is grabbing and touching and pawing etc.etc.,that definitely crosses a line for most people, and it does not take a genius to figure that out. But what, I think, drove her nuts and sealed your fate- is that you blame peer pressure as a valid excuse, in fact as an extenuating circumstance. Duuude, seriously ? What are you , 13 ? You just HAD to rub your ...k against a stripper's ass, because otherwise what ?... Otherwise, your friends were going to tease you ?? Oh the horror, we can't allow that ; you can't possibly just stand a little teasing, shrug and say " whatever "- oh no, much better to disrespect your gurlfriend !
You need to grow up a bit, OP, and you need to straighten out your priorities. Maybe- just maybe- if you are sincere in promising her that you are going to work hard on that, she'll take you back.
P.S. Personally, I also think that maybe you need to change friends, because yours, the way you describe them,they are such an unsavoury bunch of louts that they will always be a hindrance in your relationship life !
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (14 October 2020): I can't understand why a guy having a steady gf for 5 yrs have the urge to go to a strip club or watch porn. I honestly personally never needed to watch porn or a life strip show whenever I had a steady gf especially if I loved her. It all seemed so stale and unsatisfactory when I had the real thing next to me. Of course now I am married for many long years but that is another story to tell.
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reader, anonymous, writes (14 October 2020): I don't believe that you did not want to go. It is a convenient excuse. Lots of men like that type of thing and you mix with that type so I am sure you are that type too. Wanting to be with your girlfriend but after five years getting bored with her. Wanting to keep hold of her and have her there for sex and company but wanting something new and novel and more exciting too. So you make up this stuff about doing it just to please the other guys. Do not believe it.If it were true it still makes you sound very immature and in need of a backbone. Nobody with a backbone does that unless they really want to.She has either dumped you because you are lying about this and really wanted to go or because you have no backbone. Either way she was right to. If you are this way towards her after five years I dread to think how you would have been with her after ten years, if she had put up with you for that long.I hope you realise that these girls who work in these places often hate every second of it and laugh at the wankers and tossers - losers - that go in there and pay to watch them.
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reader, anonymous, writes (14 October 2020): Aren't you too old to bow under peer pressure? You were afraid of being teased; so instead you compromised your relationship for the sake of avoiding teasing from guys who also had girlfriends who weren't sold on the idea of their boyfriends tipping women to grind around in their laps.
She broke-up with you? It is what it is! That's that!
Are they teasing you now?
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female
reader, Olivia Lidi +, writes (14 October 2020):
From a female perspective, I would understand why that would make her react like that; if I was her I would be thinking 'why could he not stand up for himself and care enough about us to say no to his friends and leave?' She probably will be thinking this and it makes sense. HOWEVER, you sound like you were just so hazy that day that you just went on autopilot mode and did what your friends made you do. Personally, them thinking it's childish for a grown man to respect himself enough to say no to that and not get into any sort of trouble with his girlfriend, is toxic and plain unreasonable. I'm just saying here that you need to think to yourself did you want to do what you did or did your friends just make you and yes unlike what others are saying here, peer pressure affects grown adults too, society affects people of course, so depending on the situation it is not all your fault. Stop making excuses once you have figured that out and once you realise what you did wrong apologise to her and talk to her about what made you ending up with a strip dancer by your lap. Most importantly, give her time and give your perspective but don't blame it on your friends and act like you had nothing to do with it; she will think you are being an asshole by not trying to see her view of the situation. THINK; what would you do if she had a male strip dancer by her lap one night and she told you that her friends made her she couldn't say no. Personally for me I would feel pissed but it would pass if I loved that person, unless there is something deeper wrong with the relationship from before. Us girls though, we have a tendency not to be straight up which confuses men sometimes. She might have had previous issues with you and would have broken the relationship off with you doing what you did as the reason when in reality there is more to it. Talk to her, and find out. Hope it helped, -Female, UK
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female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (13 October 2020):
 Dude you are old enough to NOT do things you don't WANT to do!
What is really childish... is GROWN MEN, even young ones like you thinking that having a total stranger grind on you
and grope you, at a strip club is no big deal.
Are you such a wimp that you can't stand up for yourself?
Or even make an excuse and GO home instead of going in?
It's more important to you do not get" teased" rather than have some respect for your relationship?
I don't blame her for saying, you messed up, you crossed a line and I'm done.
You went. You didn't just hang out and have a beer, no... you had SEVERAL lap dances.... And then you blame it on your friends... cause you really didn't want to do it.
I call BS.
What can you do? Well you can leave her alone. And while you do that, consider whether you really think that kind of behavior is all that harmless.
Sure, some GF's don't mind. Some think it's hot. Others, think it's gross and degrading. Like your GF.
Would you want some male stripper grinding on YOUR partner? groping her? Having her grope him?
I bet you wouldn't like that one bit.
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A
male
reader, kenny +, writes (13 October 2020):
 You made a conscience choice to go to this strip club, as it would seem you were more worried about upsetting your friends than your girlfriend of five years.
Telling her that you were pressured to go makes you sound weak, like you were dragged there kicking and screaming. You could have made a stand, and just said NO.
Yes your friends would have poked fun at you, but in a weeks time they would have forgotten about it, and you would still have your girlfriend.
When you went, could you not just have sat at the bar and had a beer? why did you have to have to have a full on lap dance?.
If it was reversed, how would you feel if your girlfriend went to a male strip club, and had a naked model all over her, touching her?. Well that's how she is feeling.
You need to not call her, let things calm down. If she want's to call you and sort things out she will. If she dosen't except you made a stupid decision that cost you your relationship.
Use this a hindsight, a learning curve to not do this again, and learn to be strong enough to say NO to people.
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