A
male
age
,
anonymous
writes:7 years ago I was at a low point in my life. I was very sad, heartbroken and unhappy.I met my ex girlfriend in the Spring of 2003. She came into my life and pursued me vigorously for two months. In May I agreed to meet with her in person as we had met on the internet. For several months after, she acted loving and kind, and always stating that she desired only me. She kept saying that she wanted to spend the rest of her life with me. She promised me that if I were to commit to her, she would stay with me forever. This was on December 3, 2004. I know the date well because December 3rd is the day my baby boy died in 1983. This was I had hoped, a new beginning for us both.I made my promises and kept true to my word and let myself fall deeply in love with her. In mid-2006 she moved out of state for a career change. I wasn't thrilled about this but she promised we'd be together forever and she had no interest in anyone else but me.From July of 06 until March of 07 she begged me to relocate to be with her. She looked around for homes, as did I. I changed my career path, took a massive pay cut at a new job, quit my old job and lost my benefits, and did everything I could to be with her. I bought a home for us to relocate to. It needed a lot of work but I could afford it and the project would take enough time so that her child would be an adult by the time we were ready to move in together and marry. I changed my life for her. I was so in love with her. Nearly as soon as I arrived and begin moving to our new town, she got cold and distant to me and then suddenly refused to talk to me. I was heartbroken and couldn't understand why.For months I languished and finally resigned myself to having lost her and blamed myself. I was on several internet forums that she knew about. Little did I know she had been snooping on me, watching me from afar and seeing what I posted and who I talked to. She even had one of her girl friends start corresponding with me, acting like a "friend" to get information from me. That "friend" even went out on 2 dates with me "on the rebound".In late October of 07 my ex girlfriend came to me and apologized for hurting me. She promised me that she would stay forever and that she had doubts but resolved them. She told me about spying on me from afar, and enlisting the aid of her friend to "friend" me on the forum to get information on me. She even suggested her "friend" date me those two times to make sure I was lonely. She knew about the health problems that were created by her disappearing act. She promised she would never leave me again, and that she truly loved me.I forgave her almost instantly. I never questioned her. Today I regret having let her back in my life for what followed hurt me more.Five months ago she disappeared on me again saying that she couldn't see me anymore and she only wanted to be "friends". She said she had to do this for her child who is now an adult, but then said she was ashamed of loving me, and then alternatively claimed we were living in "sin" and so on. I have no idea what she's talking about. Its like I am dealing with a different woman altogether.I am destroyed inside. My heart is so broken and crushed. She admitted to abandoning me the first time and spying on me to see how I would react. As soon as she disappeared the first time I had serious physical health problems related to the stress brought on by her abrupt departure from my life. I am still suffering from those ailments.Five months ago the only explanation I got from a friend of hers, the same "friend" that spied on me for her was that all of the sudden, she changed her mind on both of us, because she feels guilty for loving me.Her "friend" admitted to me that she told my girlfriend to leave me years ago, and had pressured my girlfriend and her daughter to leave me.Her "friend" tells me that my ex girlfriend feels bad about hurting me, but not enough to cause her the pain that she has caused me. Her "friend" still taunts me with recent photos of my now ex-girlfriend and her grown children and a new man in her life.Her "friend" also told me that on December 4, 2004, my ex-girlfriend had joined an internet dating site and met several men that she'd seen behind my back. This same "friend" sent me photos of my ex-girlfriend with these men at different times during our relationship.I also discovered that during the brief disappearance in 2007, my ex-girlfriend joined two other dating sites and began seeing two men from those sites and then abruptly dumped them to come back to me in late October 2007.All of this was too much as it is. But her "friend" sent me an email telling me that she wishes I were dead and told me the 2 dates she had with me, at my ex-girlfriend's suggestion, were "creepy".Other than 2 emails, one from me and a reply from her, my ex girlfriend refuses to speak to me or see me. She says she can't look at me because she says its "too painful". The first email was from me asking her about what she'd done in 2004 the day she promised she wanted no one else but me (so why sign up for a dating service the day after?), the man she was seeing in 2006-7 that I didn't know about and the two men she saw between July of 2007 and late October of 07 when she got back to me. And of course I wanted to know when she met the man she's seeing now. I sent her the pictures that her "friend" sent me of her and all these other men. She blasted me in a reply email telling me that she had nothing to do with these men and claimed she never met them and that was not her in the photos, yet it clearly was. She told me I was acting childish, that I was full of self-pity and that I was not taking it like a man. She said we had to go our separate ways and acted like she never wanted to see me again but said she wanted to remain friends.Fast forward to now. I can't eat or sleep. Life has grown insipid and depressing when I'm alone. My heart is empty and crushed. My spirit is torn and broken. I want to love again and I can't. Something keeps me from doing that. Its like my heart is an empty cavity where its dark and cold and it rains all the time.I met a wonderful girl my age. Her name is Lisa. She's kind, loving and warm and has all the personal charms that I thought my ex-girlfriend had. Her kids are all adults with their own children and they like me a lot. This is what hurts. I can't tell if she's really like this or acting "nice" like my ex-girlfriend did. My heart's so tattered and confused that I have serious issues trusting Lisa. I'm afraid to tell Lisa what my ex-girlfriend did to me or how badly it crushed me. I don't want her to run away from me thinking I'm a headcase. I do want her in my life. She has been so sweet to me and gives me the affection I need desperately right now and probably forever.Lisa and I have had occasion to sleep together. When we make love its like I have to force myself in my mind to focus on her and not wish that she were my ex. I'm passionate and she's very satisfied. But inside when I am away from Lisa, I have to find a place somewhere and then crumple in confusion and pain. I fell asleep one night and cried in my sleep. Lisa noticed and wants to know why. It was near the December 3rd anniversary date of the death of my son, and so I used that as one excuse. Its true that day hurts, but my son is missed every day of my life and his image as a child is burned in my memory forever. I have had almost 30 years to deal with his death. I'm at a crossroads. If I trust Lisa and tell her, will she dump me? I want to love her. I want to badly. But I'm scared to tell her.I don't want her to think she's got to worry about me never falling out of love with the fraud I was in love with. I don't want Lisa to have to compete with my ex-girlfriend's ghost. I want her to love me and stay with me and I promise I would love her with all of my heart if I could just get past this.All I know is that Lisa cares about me, but I don't know if she actually feels she loves me, or can love me or will ever love me. And I'm afraid to trust her.In the mean time I am hurting so badly inside. I'm an older man now. I'm not young. This isn't as easy to get over. I don't have 20 years to come to grips with this kind of loss in what's left of my prime.Meanwhile my ex-girlfriend's "friend" keeps telling me about how great her life is with all these other men. All it does is tell me I should hate her friend, not her. I feel as if I was used in some sort of massive ego trip and never knew the ex-girlfriend I fell in love with.How do I find a way to trust Lisa?
View related questions:
anniversary, crush, ex girlfriend, fell in love, heartbroken, moved out, my ex, older man, the internet Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (16 April 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionRhythmandblues2, thank you for your post.
Lisa and I have been to couples' counseling as she has insurance.
But in essence I am at that point in life where now its up to someone that wants me to do the work and meet me halfway. Up until now it seems I had been the enabler, the care-taker, Mr. Reliable and unfortunately, also, Mr. Cellophane.
As the therapist had pointed out to me, not only must trust be earned, but actions speak louder than words. Until now, all I've heard are words, promises and witnessed a paucity of real actions.
That is why I asked if I was traveling in some other universe, or under a cloud.
Sometimes we get too tired to try again. And so it takes someone who's strong and willing to take over and be reliable. Right now, I cannot afford to love without trust and so far no one has emerged in my life worthy of that trust.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (15 April 2010): I really hope that you will seek out some therapy. I would try to find a therapist who is familiar with helping people who were in a realtionship with a psychopathic partner, a partner with a serious mental illness a personality disorder.Your feelings of emptiness and lack of desire for a relationship is very common when you have been through what you have been through. You may in fact have Post Traumatic Stress Syndrome, and left untreated can and will get worse for you. Seriously, this shouldn't be taken lightly and getting help will be the best thing you did in your life.There ARE many good honest women out there, I am one of them and often feel like you do about men....but I know much of it is my problem, my mistrust and I have to turn my focus on myself and heal, not outwardly by seeking a relationship when I may not be ready to do so.Best of luck to you.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (15 April 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionUpdate to the Winter 09 post.
Well here it is Springtime and I am still an emotional train wreck.
I have yet to find a trust-worthy woman without finding players, liars, and unfortunately a few pros came out of the woodwork too. At least one was on probation for something major. The bottom line is, are there any "real" honest women out there?
I'm about run out of options. My ex has contacted me several times, but has faded again. She has decided to hide again.
I don't know anymore. I feel empty, used and thrown away. It seems I can't find the energy to try and even build up a relationship with anyone. The trust thing is just too hard to overcome.
I can't believe anything a lot of women have told me without seeing proof or discovering the truth on my own. So I find myself having to listen, make notes and then check up on them to see if they are lying or not. Then if they aren't I find I can agree with them. But taking things at face value is so very hard.
A woman can tell me the sky is blue, and unless I look up and see its blue, I won't believe her until I see it for myself.
This of course has created serious issues. Of the women I've met only one was outright honest. But she's also married. That creates a problem for me. At least she was up front about that.
Am I in some sort of weird universe? Is there a storm cloud above my head? Can there not be one, honest woman out there?
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (27 December 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you again rhythmandblues2. I have spent the entire Christmas weekend pondering this entire dilemma. I know there are many loving and decent women out there who are not players. And finding and building trust is going to be a massive issue for me now for the rest of my life.
But as the song goes, "players only love you when they're playing" and this is the issue I have with Lisa. I know she means well, but I can't force emotion out of myself for someone at that type of level of intimacy as its extremely painful to me. It either has to flow easily from inside me or it won't. I understand the difference between having sex and making love and the two are not the same.
The emotional attachment she wants comes with a price, and I feel I would be in the way between her and this other guy.
Frankly I don't want her to hurt some other guy just to play games with me. Then I wouldn't feel very good about myself either. Someone who's got 15 years in with her certainly must have some emotional attachment to her; and for her to just abruptly dump the guy would make me feel like I would be next some day.
She is still pursuing me but I have told her I will be happy to remain her friend, but I don't feel comfortable going past the friendship into something deeper as she would like.
Its sort of a cautionary tale. I like her, but I don't want to fall in love with someone who's heart is transient like this. Then it would be a one-way street. My life is simply not a revolving door, nor my heart a doormat.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (21 December 2009): I think that is fine, go with your gut on this one. I wish you the best, you sound like a nice guy and you deserve someone who will be worth your love and trust.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (21 December 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you Ryhtmandblues2, but I think for right now its best that Lisa and I part ways.
As you pointed out, her 15 year relationship with this man will always be a thorny issue for her and me. He will always want her, she will always want him. I would be in the way.
She's single now and so she's free to see anyone she wants.
I think I need to choose wisely and so its better to be safe than sorry later. At the very least I found out up front.
This may seem a rash decision, but when someone wants to try that hard to convince me she's worth trusting, I have the feeling its like with my ex-girlfriend: it won't work.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (21 December 2009): Wow, that is a blow, but see, you can trust your gut or your instincts more than you give yourself credit for.
Just stop discounting them, or making excuses.
If you want her in your life based on her 15 year habit (which obviously doesn't have anything to do with you)then she needs to be an open book forever and so do you.
It is better to know the truth and to deal with the pain of it than it is boxing shadows in the dark.
It will work itself out, but I do hope you will take my advice and try some therapy or counseling, I think it will help you make better decisions and learn to trust and love yourself first again.
You have to get right with yourself before you can be in a relationship with anyone else...same for Lisa.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (21 December 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThis has created yet a new conundrum.
Last night was a sleepless and tortured night. I wrestled with my conscience, and took account of all the good words extended here by the other readers. Swallowing my fear, I decided to tell Lisa what happened.
We'd intended to spend Sunday in bed together after her kids and grand kids were gone. The two of us were supposed to be enjoying our Sunday before the holidays.
It went like this. We had lunch and afterward I told her I had something important to say and wrenched it all out as best I could.
I told her about my ex-girlfriend and the last 7 years of my life. All the details fit to print here, and a few others were disclosed to her.
I was really on the verge of tears and at that moment Lisa burst out crying.
Suddenly she was real quiet and then she asked me this question: "How did you know?"
She said she and her ex-husband cheated on each other during their marriage. And that she was still seeing the married man she was having the affair with before, though she's only seen him once a month since she met him.
She told me that when she started seeing me she felt guilty about not telling me about him. She also said she didn't want to stop seeing him because it would hurt him, but that she told him after Thanksgiving that she wanted to give me a chance and stopped having sex with him.
She said he told her he loves her, and that he never said that before.
I was so hurt I didn't know what to say. I told her "I just can't take this right now". Lisa held on to me tight and wouldn't let me go. She said she wants me and she said she didn't deserve my trust, that I didn't deserve to be treated this way.
She told me that it was getting hard for her to keep seeing me and still have this other man in her life. She says she has no future with him. They'd been seeing each other for 15 years. I was shocked.
Lisa told me that my ex-girlfriend was a cheater, and a very good one at that. She said I was special to her and more valuable to her than anything in her life, and she wants to give up the double life she led before. She says she's done that for me in order to be with me. She said I was right to not trust her and that its going to take time for her to earn my trust.
She promised me that she'd let me know wherever she was and that I could call her or go check up on her at random if I liked. And she promised she would stop seeing the other man for me. She offered to give me her email passwords and her phone records so I could see that she wasn't cheating on me. She even offered to give me the other man's phone number if I wanted it.
I asked her why she would do all of this, and she said because she can't stand the thought of living the way she was before. She said the other man and her used each other for sex and companionship but she doesn't feel real love from him. He doesn't want to spend time with her or leave his wife. She said this has been going on since she was in her mid 30s and her son found out about it when he was 13.
I don't know what to do. Its like my bubble's been popped again. This is horrible and it hurts so much. Its like I can't ever trust anyone again.
Lisa called me a dozen times this afternoon and I asked her to give me some time. She says she's going to come over tonight and be with me because she doesn't want me to be alone and hurting. She says she needs to spend time with me so I know she's with me all the way.
Part of me wants her and wants to love her badly. The only thing is I need to be able to trust her. With this news I don't feel right inside at all. She's good and kind and sweet. She held onto me even when I was getting ready to drive away. When I got in the car, she kissed me and told me she never meant to hurt me and she loves me. Everything she said, her eyes, her tears seems so genuine.
I just can't trust my judgment right now. This is a triple blow. Its like another knife just got thrust into my heart again. Why couldn't she have told me about this married man she was seeing up front? Then I blame and partly hate myself for hiding what happened to me before from her. I feel just as guilty as her. If I'd have told her up front maybe she would've stopped seeing the other man sooner. She said that she fell for me the first time we met.
She couldn't trust me with her secret, and I couldn't trust her with mine. Now after the hurt, we want to trust each other and there's a big invisible wall between us. She doesn't want to let go of me and I'm afraid to lose her even if I was sharing her with another man up to last month.
Yet, I feel so damn lonely now.
I can forgive her for this, I know I can. My heart as tired as it is, says I should. I just don't know if either she or I can trust each other. There's a queasy feeling in my guts that won't go away.
Maybe with all of this coming out we can start over. No more pretenses or deceit, no hiding important things from each other. I want her like I said, and truthfully I need her in my life if that even makes sense.
I can't stand being lonely like this. I just don't want to repeat the same mistake over and over again. She swears though that she wants me.
And this sort of has its hook inside my heart, along with the trust issue. It all equates to queasiness.
In trying to make it better, its worse. This is so punishing!
Its going to be so hard to do this one way or another.
My broken heart says I need to try with Lisa. My mind says I'm a fool for letting her into my life. Yet she says she feels in her heart we can make it. I feel the same way too. I just don't know what to believe anymore because I don't even trust myself. I don't know what's wrong or right anymore. My friend tells me I should be a lover and not a fighter. Truthfully I'm too tired to fight.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (20 December 2009): Get yourself into individual counseling. You have been brainwashed by your ex. You aren't seeing the patterns in your ex's behavior. She was manipulative, self serving, self centered and the only important thing to her was to win, once she "won" you she easily got bored and started lining up her next victim.
You can't figure out why she did something, it is who she is. I would bet money on your therapist telling you she is a sociopath or some other personality disorder with sociopathic tendencies. People like her are cruel because they have no empathy, they don't feel the normal human emotions the way we do at all....think of it as a part of her brain that makes up her personality is just gone, not there, nada, zipp, and that is why she can't be repaired or fixed. A puzzlel that can never be complete because it is missing an important piece.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (20 December 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionEdit to add the last response that we were also separated between July 07 and late Oct. 07 when she came back to me.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (20 December 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionLibra1963 and Rhythmandblues2 thank you both.
The thing I'm more interested in is figuring out how I can ever trust anyone again. I really want to trust Lisa and I want to love her. My problem isn't wanting to, its getting past all the deceit, lies and treachery that I experienced.
Its the pain from all of that which keeps me from letting myself go emotionally at least enough to trust Lisa.
I did meet my ex girlfriend on an internet forum. But I also spent a long time with her in person. That was between mid 2003 and December of 2004. We saw each other all the time during that year and a half almost before I committed to her.
Its almost like once she got me to commit to her, the very next day she was off looking for someone else and all the while telling me I was the one. We spent three years together after that. The only time we were apart was during an 8 month stint right after she relocated. We talked every day and emailed all the time. I made plans to be with her just like she wanted me to.
I don't understand her at all. Like I said its almost like suddenly she's different people inside and I never saw this till now. That's why I have problems trusting.
When Lisa tells me something innocuous. If it had been the old days, I would have taken what she said on face value. Now, I have to question everything in my head. Its as if I have to see proof or else I won't believe it. I don't want to be like that with her. She's sweet and kind. I just want to be trusting again and I feel like I can't.
I am working on it. Its going to really hurt telling Lisa about my ex girlfriend and then having to admit to Lisa that I can't trust her but I want to. I just don't want to hurt her and infect her with this poison that my ex-girlfriend did to me.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (20 December 2009): When reading your experiences with your ex, I immediately thought of this. See if this doesn't sound like her and how she is....I think my ex is the male version of her and I can tell you that it was not your fault, you probably just stopped taking her BS on some level and she had to go find another willing victim to get her needs met. Sad thing is she is so manipulative she has you believing it was you just coming up short in the relationship and not doing enough to make it work....it would have NEVER worked...so don't judge LISA by the character of a person with no moral compass, no empathy, no conscience and the inability to love anyone. Sociopaths are rare, you had the unfortunate luck of running up against one of them and being duped.
The Sociopaths Who Live Among Us
Tuesday, February 14, 2006
The Sociopath as Romantic Partner
Experts believe that all of us know at least one person that exhibits the behavior of a sociopath. They look very normal, they could be a friend, neighbor, family member or romantic partner.
Sociopaths can be very romantic, extremely charming and incredibly generous. They will shower their target with attention, flattery and gifts of all kinds - jewelry, clothes, flowers. A sociopath will sweep you off your feet and treat you unlike anyone has ever treated you. He will typically seal the relationship very quickly, often before he discards his current victim.
Sociopaths have the ability to gain your affection very quickly and a relationship with a sociopath becomes intense very quickly.
Sociopaths are often very likable, easy-going and relaxed. They are often delightful to be around and can make a dinner date enjoyable. They say all the right things and do all the right things to get what they think they want for the moment. It is not unusual for a sociopath to provide an endless about of support, running errands, organizing and encouraging you when you need it.
Sociopaths usually target women are who nurturing and very trusting, kind and caring. Often their targets are women who have morals since it is much easier for a sociopath to 'con' a good person than another con artist. They only want to prey on women whom they can take and take from without the person expecting anything in return. They are social predators who target vulnerable women. Sociopaths can quickly determine a person's weak spots and vulnerabilities and will exploit them throughout the relationship. He will ascertain your likes, dislikes and passions and will declare admiration for the same subjects.
A romantic relationship is just another opportunity for a sociopath to find a trusting partner who buys into the lies. Everything about the relationship is a game. They can be extremely charming in a relationship while doing much damage behind the scenes by having countless affairs and lying about them. He will lie to his latest target while he is lying to his current victim. A sociopath will show his true self when he has his next target lined up and he knows that his current relationship is coming to an end.
Sociopaths fail to fulfill their promises or commitment made with romantic partners. They usually have a string of broken relationships and/or failed marriages due to their inability to feel true love and sustain intimate relationships. They never really form emotional attachments and therefore lack any sense of obligation. It may appear that there is an attachment but it isn't real. According to Dr. Martha Stout in her book 'The Sociopath Next Door', sociopaths will marry but never for love. Their relationships allow them to appear normal. Sociopaths can "know the words but not the music". They learn to appear emotional and romantic by imitating others' behavior.
Sociopaths show a stunning lack of concern for the devastating effects their actions have on others including wives, children, family and friends. They do not feel remorse, guilt or shame. They are not able to care about the pain and suffering experienced by others due to their complete lack of empathy which is a prerequisite for love. Sociopaths are always takers and never givers in spite of appearances and the illusion they create.
...............................
A
female
reader, Libra1963  +, writes (20 December 2009):
 I am sorry to hear of your pain. You have been through a lot. I know you sometimes hear of success stories of people meeting on the internet. I feel there is more unsuccessful stories. first you can not really get to know someone on the internet. they can tell you anything. The best way is to meet through work or a hobbhy or mutural friends. Get to know the person and their background. This girl sounds emotionally distrubed. its not you. You were vulnerable. Forget her. You have met someone new. Its takes years to totally trust someone. Try not to over love orexpect total trust. Everyone always holds back a little secret.
I feel you are putting too much off yourself on the plate and that is why you are getting so hurt.
See a councellor as it sounds like you need to get something off your chest.
Keep in touch.
...............................
A
male
reader, redsox29 +, writes (20 December 2009):
Wow, I am so very sorry for all the pain that has happened. I wish I could say some magical words and make it all ok but no one can. There may seem like there is nothing but pain and desolation right now but you know what? This is such a beautiful opportunity to learn more about YOU. YOU need to focus on getting YOUrself happy. Find things that YOU enjoy. Things that YOU want.
Every person has been through heartache, some more than others, but through those times comes the opportunity for great personal growth and understanding. You may not ever understand why your ex pulled all that awful stuff on you and it may not ever make sense. Who cares. She does not sound like a good person. I know you loved her and it's hard to lose someone that you care about but if that person only causes you hurt, you need to truly examine WHY you would want that person in your life. From what you've written about your ex, she sucks. She is not a good person who is so insecure and loves playing mind games and just wants to control your life. Why would you want anything to do with her? Sorry but, forget about that b**ch.
As far as Lisa goes, if you really want to move on with her and start a real relationship, you need to be honest with her about who you are and why you are the way you are with her. Honesty and communication is the only way for relationships to work out. Lisa sounds like a wonderful woman and she really cares about you. If you can't return those feelings, you need to be upfront with her.
If the pain of your past is really hurting you still, maybe start a journal, just to get out all of those emotions. Just start typing out all of those feelings, it's very freeing. Join a gym and maybe get some sessions with a personal trainer, and focus on a goal. Maybe running a 5-K or just setting a goal to lose weight. Excercise will release those endorphins that will make you happy. Maybe try and learn a new instrument. Do things for YOU. Be a little selfish. Read new books. Take a dance class. Volunteer to help people. You can wallow in pity but that pit just gets deeper and deeper. Pray. God hears you. There is a book call "Attachments" by Tim Clinton, that I read after I went through a difficult breakup and it helped me immensely. It's about learning WHY you love the way you do.
I wish you the best of luck and fortune. Love is not easy but when you find the right one, all the others fade away in comparison.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (20 December 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWontonbomb - I agree with you that I should cut contact. My ex-girlfriend is gone and other than her reply some time ago, she refuses to speak to me and I'm okay with that. If I never see her face again it would be too soon.
Her "friend" is apparently very talented at chasing me around the internet. When I block or spam-folder her friend's emails, I get emails from an anonymous re-mailer service which I can't block.
That's why I say I should hate her "friend" not her. She knows to stay away. The "friend" doesn't.
As an aside I think her "friend" may have a thing for my ex, and so the taunting is done out of jealousy or rage.
I think what has hurt me in the trust department is the level of cruelty that I've witnessed. Its shocking to see that coming out of my ex like that. I still don't know why.
So part of me is so hurt that trusting Lisa is very hard. I want to trust her. This is what's so painful. I'm afraid that this last experience and the cruelty was so intense that its ruined love for me.
Some people say it takes time to overcome it. I think I will want to try and work with Lisa on building trust. I just don't want to give it away that easy and then get hurt again.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (20 December 2009): Something tells me you should stop contact with both the ex and her 'friend'. It doesn't seem like you did anything wrong, except change your life drastically by giving up your life, taking a massive pay cut to go be with her. The man is the rock. When he changes himself and his life to suit/follow her, she loses confidence/respect in him. Perhaps it's this attitude of changing for her that is a symptom of the reason she looked around at other guys. But there does seem to be something seriously wrong with these two women, and I would stay well away.
...............................
A
male
reader, Wontonbomb  +, writes (20 December 2009):
 That is a very sad tale. My closest friend's child died this week last year, and the pain is still raw (as you would expect) so I can understand (though perhaps not comprehend the magnitude of) your pain.It is also a sad that there are people on this earth who seem to want to cause nothing but misery, as your ex and her 'friend' do. It is shocking and pathetic that they seem to go out of their way to inflict pain on those who care about them. I can take solace in the fact that karma has a way of balancing out the pain received and that your ex, and most definetly her 'friend', have got serious issues and problems that they will never solve, resulting in them never being happy.You have to move on though. You need to completely cut contact with these people. They are toxic! These type of people are out to reduce everyone around them to their level of self loathing and inflict some of their pain on others in a selfish maniacal attempt to reduce their own worthlessness.You seem to have met a lovely woman. If she is as nice as you make her out to be, you need to tell her what has happened to you. If she is as caring as you think, she will understand. I'm almost certain she has as much baggage as you do, and that sharing and communication are the key to making it work. You have nothing to be ashamed of in telling her. You have been through a very traumatic time during your last relationship. I wouldn't be surprised if this would bring you and Lisa closer together in fact. It may be the key to helping you move on with some loving support, and hopefully help you reach a place where you can truly love this woman.
...............................
|
