A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Before I start I'm asking that you guys don't answer with remarks like you deserve it, leave her alone because what -m trying to do is needed because she needs to know I'm living up to my wrong. Its like this I hurt a really great gal awful bad. Imagine the worse and you got it. I left her hanging damaged probably beyond repair. She's closed me out completely. I've tried on two different occasions to speak to her give her the apology she's owed, the extended version where I plan point out every detail why she shouldn't think she was any way to blame but all me. This is not about me getting closure or feeling better but I need to give her total closure so she can feel vindicated with all due right. The first time I tried to speak to her was 7 months after and she hung up on me as soon as she realized it was me. The next time was 4 months after that when I wrote her a email which sent forwarded back and cursed me like a sailor telling me I was dead. Its been 2 months since that happen. How much tim should I give her before trying again. I don't deserve her forgiveness so that's not what I expect and not asking for it. Its about assuring her and giving her closure for the monstrous cruel way I played on her emotions. She's the lovliest woman I've ever met and I hope she's found a man who runs circles around me with treating her the way I ignorantly didn't. Should I send her a email message telling her everything instead of the same type of message I sent last time asking her to call me. I've got to apologize. She's the kindest woman I know and she didn't deserve the uncalled for cruel way I abused her. Nothing can excuse what I did to that woman. I believe I'm a better man behind this. I just wish it didn't take me hurting her the way I did to run face to face with how I was a narcissistic cold hearted bastard who slung her through the ringer and didn't feel a smidgen of guilt or own up, blamed all my cruelty on her. I will never go back to being that dirty bastard. It's hard to bear but I carry it because it was caused by me. Please help me free her mind of me completely with full closure. Tnx Reply to this Question
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 March 2011): You haven't changed in the least. You're still a sly self absorbed narcissistic douche bag because you're trying to get sympathy by trying to manipulate everyone into believing that its her welfare that you want to make better by directing everything toward her when really this is all about you trying to play down and erase how cruel you did that girl. I'm glad she cut you off because you are so damn selfish and alls you care about is yourself. I bet you don't have the slightest idea of how much you hurt that girl and the extent of damage you've done to her. I can't stand narcissism because you people don't have a conscious and go throw life playing with people feelings and hearts and not even feel the slightest guilt or remorse for hurting them. It sickens me that you're here wanting some sympathy or encouragement. You are a nasty pig and it would give me great pleasure if she put your picture all over the internet with a blog about how much of a worthless selfish bastard you are. You're sick!
A
reader, anonymous, writes (19 March 2011): The way you keep insisting on forcing yourself onto this girl just goes to show how self-absorbed you really are. Just leave her alone and stop tormenting the poor girl. You messed with her enough during the relationship now leave her to find her happiness and peace of mind. Honestly stop being selfish and just leave her be!
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (19 March 2011): Leave her alone. You didn't do her right when she was all over you and now that she's cut you out you want back in. It's not going to happen no matter how remorseful you are and to be quite frank she doesn't give a damn because she's not buckling to you anymore. This is all about you trying to make yourself feel better about being brought down off that pedestal she placed you in then kicked you off of once she saw you for the crud ball you were to her. You're a narcissit and you can't cope with it in reverse. She's now on the pedestal keeping you in your place which is underneat her feet. Welcome to the world of door mat but with a twist. She doesn't beg you anymore just keeps you in your place. Move on and because she kicked off your high horse and has the closure she needs. She closed the door to you. Suck up your ***k up and move on.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (19 March 2011): "Please help me free her mind of me completely with full closure?"Is it your mind or her mind you're talking about? Which one of you really wants closure? I don't think you really want to apologize to her, I think you want to be forgiven. Her mind is likely already free of you and she achieved her closure when she cut you out. It's a unilateral sort of closure, but if someone abuses you, sometimes it's the only choice you have. You can be remorseful and mourn what you did, but you can't make her mourn losing you. I think your guilt is unproductive and it even a bit narcassisstic because you insist she has to acknowledge it. You said, "She needs to know I'm living up to my wrong." Perhaps you think she "needs" this, but if she has cut you out of her life, she found closure on her own, and she doesn't care about your life and she definitely doesn't "need" it. You should admit this apology is likely about your needs. If you treated her as bad as you claim, she likely feels she can't trust you on a very basic level. That's why she won't talk to you. You can regret what you did and reflect on it, but she doesn't need to witness this regret it to make it meaningful. You can treat the next person better though.Good luck.
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A
female
reader, goldensunnystar +, writes (19 March 2011):
I agree, if you care let her go. It is not about your guilt but about her healing and you both moving on.
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A
female
reader, fi_the_tree  +, writes (19 March 2011):
 I agree with Jonas, but if you feel you really have to do this, maybe hand write a letter and post it out to her if you know her address, if not i suppose an email will be fine for you to give her closure.
explain in the email/letter that after she raeds it you will leave her to get on with her life and that you hope she finds happiness and gets everything she deserves that you never gave her. Keep it light and friendly towards the end and don't expect anything from her ever again. Then you need to move on with your life. There's no guarentee that she will even read the letter/email, but at least you tried.
All the best...
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A
female
reader, Rosy +, writes (19 March 2011):
This isn't about her at all, you're the one that selfishly needs validation to prove you're not so bad - you need her forgiveness to move on. She doesnt't need to forgive you, she needs space and time without you bothering her! All you're doing is bringing her feelings for you to the surface and she doesn't want that.If you think she needs closure, fate will give you the opportunity, don't force it.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (19 March 2011): Your question really shows why narcissist's are so confounding. As much as you profess that this apology is about making amends to a lovely woman you have done wrong. It is really all about you showing people what a stand up guy you can be on your way out the door.You have made two attempts to apologize and whatever you did to her she doesn't want to hear it. In the non narcissist world that means she doesn't want to hear it. It's not about you. It's not about you grand standing to show her and who ever you tell about it later how you have stepped off the pedestal you have put yourself on. It's about her. She doesn't want to hear it. Go your own way.
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A
female
reader, Tuatara  +, writes (19 March 2011):
 Hi there,I found your post rather facinating and rather contradictory. It is a problem possibly many who inflict pain and damage during a relationship may end up experiancing. You indicate this is not about you wanting forgiveness etc, but it does sound a bit like it. I guess it also sounds a bit like your wanting to resolve and not your ex partner.Firstly you need to accept that you no longer can decide or have a say in what it best for your ex. Or what she may or may not need.If you truly cared for this lady, truly have remorse and regret for what damage you did, then give her the choice as to if or when she chooses to have any contact with you. From what you state in your post, she has decided to have no contact with you. This is part of her closure perhaps. But you do not have a choice about whether or not she wants to hear what you have to say. This is just the result of perhaps the actions and decisions you made through the relationship, and her reasons or justifications in not wanting contact.If indeed you are a narcissist, then her having no further contact with you, ever, is in her best interests. Why would she wish to let you in again. If you truly care for her, let her go and don't worry about her closure. Thats for her to handle. If indeed she feels the need to contact you then she will. You have attempted contact without sucess. It sounds as though she is doing pretty well if she is staying away.Your self discovery on who you where in the relationship, its flaws and weaknesses are the things to focus on for you now, no her. Work on yourself to be free and healed from whatever baggage or past caused you to destroy things. If indeed you behaved terribly, destructively and mess with her big time, then you need to do alot of work to change this in you. And I mean a lot of work, years. Just let her go is my advice, wish her well in your thoughts, love her in your thoughts, cherish the memories in your thoughts. But leave her be and stay out of her life my friend.
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