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female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes: Me and my boyfriend have been seeing each other since May, but lately I've had this gut feeling he is hiding stuff from me. He's been acting a little shady in my eyes. Yesterday I asked him if he was talking to any other females. I excepted a no, but what I got was, "Why would you even ask me that?" I never got a yes or no. So if I ask him to see his phone one day when he is off guard would that be wrong? He's asked to see my phone before. Its always in the back of my mind he could be out doing something with someone else, but I think that's just from my past relationship of 3 years where I was cheated on all of the time. He does get upset at the fact that I have trust issues in general, but I want to be secure or have some sorta of validation that he's not. Opinions? Thanks. Reply to this Question
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female
reader, Stayc63088  +, writes (13 August 2012):
 Well in general I see no problem with asking your significant other to see their phone. It shouldn't be hidden anyway. But your problems go beyond what looking at his phone could even do for you. Listen to caring guy because he is spot on. I have trust issues/anxiety and everything he is saying is exactly right. Even if I saw his phone I could just tell myself he deleted the messages, or he just emailed her, etc. my problem is anxiety though rather than not trusting my husband at all. Luckily my husband is understanding and everything is completely open. It helped my anxiety that he was willing to bend over backwards to show he isn't cheating or doing anything wrong. For instance he offered (this is all long ago) to have me call him on face chat if I ever worried he is off doing something he shouldn't be, that way I could see what he's doing. Of course I never did that, but I know I could if I really was worried. Over time I just got less paranoid and scared of the cheating. If it ever comes up now I am able to tell myself he would never do that and not even have to check on his phone or whatever else. I just trust that he would never do anything like that to me. Had he been defensive and angry whenever I brought it up I'm sure it would've just gotten worse and I would've never trusted him. I think being upfront about your issues helps. Rather than just demanding his phone actually talk to him and explain you are just scared and seeing his phone helps you feel better with some reassurance that he isn't doing anything. The more open each of you are willing to be the better. But it isn't a bad idea to look into therapy for your trust issues also if you can. The truth is most men won't deal with it at all for you to even be better and trusting him one day.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (13 August 2012): Trust is the key, if you can't trust him there's always going to be problem.
Even if he proved to you he's not cheating in the way you suspect, you'll always think something is going on in other ways until you can prove your suspicious mind correct.
I don't think its fair to check his phone, you need to also consider his feelings in all this too. Its not nice to know your partner doesn't trust you and even worse when you're always being accused of things you haven done.
You need to change your way of thinking because if you don't, you're only going to drive him away in the end.
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A
female
reader, katiekate +, writes (13 August 2012):
 I don't think asking to see his phone would do any good. He could just say no, and then you'd be even more paranoid. And like CaringGuy said, if you don't trust him, snooping and checking up on him won't help- there will always be paranoia and suspicion if the trust is not there. It sounds like there is no trust on his part either, since he has already asked to look through your phone. This is really no way to have a relationship. Without trust, what is there?
It's definitely possible that your insecurities are to blame. Insecurities in a relationship can wreak havoc on your ability to distinguish facts from suspicions. If you're anything like me, you probably over-think things way too much as well, looking for or seeing problems where none exist. If this is the case, I recommend working on your self-esteem. If the insecurities become overwhelming, see a counselor who specializes in relationships. I have severe relationship anxiety, and seeing a counselor has helped me greatly. However, if you have reason to believe that he is being unfaithful, you are so young and life is short- I would move on. But figure out the root of your suspicious before you act.
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A
male
reader, CaringGuy  +, writes (13 August 2012):
If you can't trust him, seeing his phone won't make a difference. After all, he can so easily delete all the texts, or 'drop' it so it breaks or whatever. And what id he's not using his phone, and he's using his email. Will you want to see that too, even though that will make no difference?
If he had said 'no', instead of what he had said, would that have made a difference or would you have said that he was lying?
To be honest, it sounds more like you're projecting your fears and insecurities onto him because of your previous relationship. I don't think that it will make any difference to you seeing everything, because in your head you will start to make up other excuses "he deleted them", "he has another phone" "maybe it's in his email".
Insecurity and snooping brings about more insecurity and more snooping, and in the end it ruins the relationship.
If you have trust issues, you now need to go and deal with them with a counsellor, or something. Because I can promise you that your feelings won't go away, no matter what he does, because in your mind you'll just come up with something else.
And, remember, men aren't good at hiding affairs etc - so if he is up to something, you'll soon find out anyway.
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A
female
reader, littlest.devil  +, writes (13 August 2012):
 Firstly, I'm sorry to hear about your bad past relationship - no one deserves that. It's natural to have a fear of it happening again after something as painful as that but you can't let it dominate your current relationship. No one should be punished for something someone else did. It's hard to trust but if you don't you'll put a lot of stress on the relationship. My advice would be to talk to your boyfriend openly about your feelings - how your past relationship makes it difficult sometimes to trust. You shouldn't have to search through your boyfriend's phone , the desire to look shouldn't be there if you're secure in the relationship, however at the same time there shouldn't be anything to hide. Think carefully before you ask to see his phone because even though you have a right to (since hes asked you before) it will encourage his feelings that you don't trust him and the more you show you trust him the more he'll trust you. Don't freak out about him talking to girls - it's okay and natural for him to. Just like it's ok for you to talk to guys. It's a strange question which is why he answered it that way because it comes off as very accusing - almost like he's not allowed to have friends who are girls. Best of luck
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