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*yledon
writes:My 20 yr old daughter is making the biggest mistake of her life, I know that everyone says kids need to learn by their mistakes and I totally agree but not when it can ruin their future. 5 months ago she came home and told us that she was dating a guy called Paul, he is 36 , still legally married and has 3 sons. They met when he was with his wife (they both deny any relationship until after he left his wife but who knows) aparently he left his wife when he realized he was in love with my then 19 yr old daughter. My wife and I told her when didnt think he was a guy she should be dating BUT did the whole she will learn form her mistakes thing and stepped back and let her do her thing. 5 months later she is moving in with him, talking marriage and babies. She didnt "have time" to return to college this year, because of her new relationship. I have tried tell her to take things slow, get to know him or at least let him get an offical divorce first. But the two of them say they love each other and that want a family now. Which makes me sick, he had a family that he walked out on, he threw away a marriage and family for a teenage girl he met in a bar. How quick will he throw away my daughter and their "family". and why the rush. If you know you love each other and want to be together "forever" then why rush things. Is there anythign I can say or do to pervent her from making a HUGE mistake.
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reader, tennisstar88  +, writes (9 October 2010):
 If I had a dime for every time tried to prevent me from making a big mistake, I'd be rich. Also, if only I knew what I know now then my life would be different.
At times, young adults tend to take the rocky road in life. Parents always give great advice and they sometimes try to hard in pointing out the red flags in life when we don't see them. (Or we ignore them) I agree with the majority vote, there's nothing you can do or say she is going to do what she wants. Just let her make her mistake, hopefully she will learn a valuable lesson when it's all said and done. Have your door open if she needs to come home.
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female
reader, monkey friend +, writes (9 October 2010):
Well, you could try to sit down with her and talk to her about EXACTLY why you are concerned. Another option would be to (and this is a very weird option but could work if done well and the guy went along with it)....get a girl (make her really attractive with emphasis on the things men like, and have her go to your daughters boyfriend (says he's in a bar or she could go to his house pretending she has a flat tire or something), then have her become flirty, pretending she's interested in him, and hopefully the guy will go along with it. Of course, you would want picture or video footage or something but it would work well.Your daughter is only 20; I think she is thinking that "Hey, I have the option to get married and start a family, something I've always wanted to do." It seems to me that she skipped a couple of steps: Do I REALLY love him? Will he make a good husband? Will he make a good father? Will I be happy with him 20 years down the road? Can I trust him? Had she thought about those questions, the answer would be obvious. "Love" seems to be blinding your daughter from reality.
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reader, anonymous, writes (9 October 2010): Sorry but your daughter is 20 not 13, she is an ADULT. I understand that she's your child and you want to protect her but this is her choice not yours i'm afraid.
All you can do is let her make her own mistakes and be there for her when this relationship goes wrong, which it probably will. She needs to learn from her own mistakes and you can't be there all the time to protect her.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 October 2010): Well, sorry to hear about the position you're in. My father felt that he was in a similar position ten years ago. I was 20, and the guy I met was 30, but in my case the guy was single, and the age difference not quite so big. My dad felt I was making a big mistake and really made a big deal trying to stop us from being together. (In the end, my dad turned out to be right, but not for the reason he thinks... Now I'm 28, and me and this guy are married now and the marriage is on the rocks but it's due to his jealousy issues which only emerged later, otherwise we would be an amazing couple.) In your daughters case however, it is completely and incredibly obvious that she is making a HUGE MISTAKE. Getting together with a married man?, 16-17 years her senior??? (Biologically old enough to be her dad). Who's abandoning his family to be with her??? And won't even finalize divorce before doing so??? What makes her think that he is going to treat her better than his current wife? If anything his actions literally scream out his lack of emotional maturity. He is going to break her heart, unless there was really something seriously wrong with his current wife, and he was a saint waiting for the right woman to sweep him off his feet. At best, he is a coward. If his current wife, was - worst case scenario - a horrible woman - he should have had the guts to leave her not stay in the marriage.... so any way you color this situation, it DOES NOT look pretty. It CANNOT put this man in a favorable light, because he does not deserve it. I would not have touched a man like that with a 10 foot pole at her age. Or ever. This has bad news written all over it the way the sun has light painted on it. I don't know what advice to give you except to beg and plead with her and show her this post.
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reader, Danielepew  +, writes (9 October 2010):
 I'm with Mr. Grant. I don't think there's anything you can do here.
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reader, anonymous, writes (9 October 2010): Oh dear, what to say to ease your burden, but this one is a tough one! I understand completely where you are coming from, and agree, this man entered a bar whilst married, talked to your daughter and started a relationship ( physical or not) is just detail, whilst he had a young wife and children at home.
I feel for you with all my heart, as I know what it's like to want to shield your child from harm, whether it's physically or emotionally, it's real, and WE as parents, want to do all we can. But we both know teaching a child to cross the road is easy, you give guidance and instruction on what to do and not to do, and they follow, and you save them from harm.
Only when it comes to our children being young adults,it is a whole different ball game. They have the zest of youth, the belief they are untouchable by any situation, NOT yet experienced, that they know best, their decisions are based upon logic and understanding..but, this is not so, as YOU are now living, and of course want to reach out and provide that cushion to which your lovely daughter is very likely to fall.
When in love, as your daughter is, it's natural to be FULL of enthusiasm and hope, trust...and regardless of how MUCH we want to prevent a fall-out, we can't, oh I feel so dreadful for saying that, but think back to your 20's, I'm sure there would have been situations YOUR parents felt were dangerous for you, and like you, would love to have prevented you from walking that path..ONLY THIS IS WHAT LIFE IS ABOUT.
The other thing we always do when in love, WE BELIEVE our love is ENOUGH to overcome any shortcomings of the other person, that IF like the man your daughter has fallen for, will be DIFFERENT with her, than he is with his wife, that she will CHANGE him..that is what YOUTH and LOVE does, and that I'm afraid is something with all the will in the world cannot be changed.
The more you advise her against him, I fear would ONLY cement their bond further..having babies though is another thing, would she at least wait until he was divorced and they KNEW each other, that has got be worth a subtle TRY on your behalf, but done gently of course. The best thing you can do, as the others have said, is BE THERE for her, to be her rock..she will need you, and I'm sure you have the depth and love to do that.
My son about eight years ago when through a similar situation, no the girl wasn't married, but she had given promises, got engaged when she was already seeing another, I knew this, but as a Parent, you can't LIVE life for your children, so I stood back, and then took the call that would not only change my sons life forever, but mine too. He was 32 but sobbed like a child to me, and all I could do was be there, I couldn't kiss him better, I couldn't put a plaster on his graze, but I felt every sob enter and leave my body, and have never felt such pain..yet I knew HE had to experience it, to GROW and become more knowledgeable to make wiser decisions.
I'm sorry IF this is NOT full of sound and solid detailed instruction on what you can do to prevent any un-happiness for your daughter, but YOU are already a great and caring parent, and this WILL guide your daughter eventually.
My very best of wishes to you..
Jilly x
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reader, anonymous, writes (9 October 2010): Yes, there is something you can do, and then leave her to make her own decisions after that.
Give her some books on long term relationships, and affairs, tell her that you want her to read so she will know more about what she is getting into. Maybe this is "the right guy", but more likely than not this is a guy who doesn't ever want a woman who he might have to deal with as an equal and a "kid" is just up his alley.
But, when you meet with her, do it in a nonthreatening manner, ask her to let you talk, say your piece, give her the books, and let her know that you will be there for her if/when she needs you. Make sure that she knows that currently she is "the other woman", still, and that she might want to read a book on affairs or look on the interne and find out about how they happen.
She might want to read here as well.
Then, be there for her when it all falls apart in a month, or six months, or 5 years...because it will.
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reader, chigirl  +, writes (9 October 2010):
 PS. on the bright side, usually men will talk about marriage and children to keep the woman around. This man is recently divorced and has kids already. I don't expect him to want to remarry again so soon, and I certainly don't think he actually wants kids. This could be an idea of hers, and he is just playing along to keep her happy.
Many engagements end before there is even a date planned for a wedding. There are so many chances that they will break up by themselves without you interfering.
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reader, chigirl +, writes (9 October 2010):
Tell her you are suspiscious of this man. Tell her she is 19. That alone matters. At 19, ask her, how much does she know about life? Does she know more than you? She'll say no. And then you can say "there you have it, thats why Im telling you now you are about to do a mistake", and then tell her yours fears. You do want her to live her own life, but you offer some sound advice, and the least she can do is respect the advice enough to think about it.
Tell her how it looks from your point of view. She meets this married man. She drops out of college. He talks to her about marriage and children. Ask her if she thinks he values mariage. Ask her about his children. She will be a step-mom. Has she even though of that? Starting a family with this man is impossible, the family is already there. And she will always come second to his children. A new child between them will never change that. Ask her her honest opinion of these things. She'll meet herself in the door, as they say.
I think you are completely within your rights to give her advice. You don't have to meddle too much, but you can give her advice and not let her sail off into a storm without as much as a warning. Let her know this is a bad idea, and have a good long conversation about it where you allow her to voice her opinion. Perhaps she sees something special in him, perhaps it is real and genuine, perhaps it will all work out for the best.... Who knows. All you want is a conversation, and make sure she starts thinking about the realities of life and not just have her head in the clouds.
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reader, C. Grant +, writes (8 October 2010):
 My dad left my mom for a younger woman. The woman's father did not approve, and refused to meet my father until the divorce was final. You could tell your daughter that you'll have nothing to do with the guy until he's divorced. Perhaps taking a stand like that will get through to her, but I doubt it.
If I were in your shoes I'd be tearing my hair out. I don't blame you for being worried. But I don't think there's anything you can do but be there to pick up the pieces when he's done with her.
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reader, anonymous, writes (8 October 2010): Maybe it's not your daughter you should say something to. Maybe you should have a word with this Paul guy. The points you've made are completely valid, such as, "if you're going to be together forever, why not take your time". Maybe a man to man talk will get him out of lala land and get him to start thinking like an adult. Remind him how young she is, how she'll likely grow tired of him much faster than he will of her because her tastes WILL change somehow between now and, let's say, her 25th birthday. I just can't see anyone with any sense at all not seeing the logic in your opinion so hopefully this man will snap out of it once he's heard it from your angle. The only reason I say this is because, as a young girl myself once, it's probably pointless to try and talk any sense into her. There just isn't much there at the moment. For one, she likely thinks she knows it all already. Two she's got something to prove now (that she's worth him leaving his family for, that she's better than his wife or just that everyone is wrong). And three, she thinks she special. Like "he would never do that to me", like he did his wife. But no matter how she's convinced herself nothing is wrong with this situation, it still worked for her and it's going to be a while yet before she can see any of that and even longer for her to ever admit it. But Good luck to you and I hope she wakes up on her own so you won't have to interfere where you apparently aren't comfortable going. Again, good luck.
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reader, Meesh76  +, writes (8 October 2010):
 Tell your dauhter that you appreciate she is an adult and can and will make her own decisions but to think very carefully about what she actually needs from this man if she is wanting a future with him. Can she really put her faith and trust in a man who was so quick to throw away his wife and family. Unfortunately if she decides that she can then there is nothing more you can do other than be there to pick up the pieces if necessary. Maybe the best thing would be for her to move in with him and see him warts and all and the bubble might very quickly burst. Ultimately you are going to have to put your faith in your daughter that she will make the right decisions.
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reader, LLindy87 +, writes (8 October 2010):
 Dirtball makes good points, sad but true, she probably won't listen and want him more if you forbid it. She must be very naive but eventually will realize and learn the hard way and unfortunately you might have to sit back and watch it happen because there isn't anything you can do.
however, you could talk to one of her friends about it. I know personally, that things my friends say sometimes effect me more then the opinions of my parents. (not that I don't respect my parents, but i sometimes don't think they can possibly see things from my point of view). so having a friend talk to her might be worth trying, or an aunt or uncle she gets along with, someone with less authority over her life.
Good luck.
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reader, janniepeg +, writes (8 October 2010):
 Tell her the financial burden that guy has, and that love is indeed conditional after they start a family. If she doesn't get a degree and become a housewife, unless he is very rich it means you, as the father would provide have to supplement their income. You would feel obligated to still take care of her even though she belongs to someone else, but express to her that this would be hard for you to do. On holidays, he has to spend half the time with the other family, that's if he's being a responsible father. Be realistic, and try not be too emotional when you talk to her. Love does not conquer all. You want to present the facts based on statistics and life experience, and not make her feel you are trying to control her life. Show her the options in life. Explain to her the difference between infatuation and real love. Be prepared she's going to say money doesn't mean anything, but a family with enough money to spend is always happier than a family struggling day to day. It's understandable that he wants to start family #2 and do it correctly this time, but with 3 additional kids it's going to be difficult. If he doesn't learn his mistake and just blame on the woman, then problems are going to happen again in this relationship. If the relationship does not work out and she already becomes a mom, it would be very awkward for her to go back to college amongst other 18 year olds while you babysit her kids when she needs to study.
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reader, dirtball +, writes (8 October 2010):
 Kidnap her every few months and get her the depo shot so that at least they can't have babies...
If only you could do that. Unfortunately there is little you can do. The more you make him forbidden fruit, the more she will want it. Your points are very valid. He walked out on his family. There is nothing preventing him from doing the same to her. I wish there was something you could do, but there really isn't. She won't listen. All you can do is hope that she realizes the mistake before it's too late. What a jerk to not only step out on his family but take advantage of a young girl.
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