A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Hello!I'm 24 and have never got past 5 months in any other relationship because I am insecure and unreasonable and I don't like it when the initial 'honeymoon period' becomes 'comfortable'. At the moment I am in a relationship with a man that I love, and have been for 5 months, but I'm scared I will lose him if I carry on being like this.He is an amazing man who treats me well and puts up with my moods. However I want it all to be exactly how it was when we first met. When I heard from him all the time, when we cuddled all night, when we chatted all day about 'us'. Now this has died down, I feel insecure.I constantly remind him of the beginning of our relationship, when we were inseparable and he was obsessed with me, even though he's still great to me - which is unfair.I sound negative and moany but I can't help but be upset inside.How do I grow up?!
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female
reader, Jendorset +, writes (25 July 2007):
Although i can see how she is complaining that nothing is ever good enough. I agree she is not as appreciative as she could be. But i see other views to.
A
female
reader, Jendorset +, writes (25 July 2007):
I just dont agree with you frank. You dont know how this woman is truely feeling. We dont know the full storey about her past. I dont think you considered all the points of the question, you just wrote her off as some immature brat...not a woman whos confused and scared.
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A
male
reader, Danielepew  +, writes (4 July 2007):
 I'm with Frank.
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A
male
reader, Frank B Kermit  +, writes (30 June 2007):
 Jendorset,
Get a hold of yourself. Read the poster's question again. Look at what she is asking. Look at the way she is behaving, and look at what she is about to lose if she does not change.
Do you really think that encouraging someone to committ the same behaviors over and over again by making excuses for them is Helping?!? Where do you think she will end up when she is 45 and STILL acting in this way? Do you think THAT is better for her?
Jendorset, how old are you, and are you old enough to have real relationship experience to base your ranting on? I put my real face to go with my advice, as well as personal info in my profile to back up what I say...do you? It is easy to rant when you don't put yourself out there isn't it.
Do you want to know what is wrong with ONLY factoring in emotions into decisions? You end up at the age of 24 unable to have a meaningful relationship beyond the 5 month honeymoom mark, and when you meet someone fantasic that you may be in love with, you have to worry about losing him, becuase you still unreasonable, moany, insecure, unfair, negative .... and have to ask strangers how to "grow up", only to react immaturely when you are given a dose of reality. THAT is what is wrong with only using your emotions, and not being more like a rational adult.
Who worry about the poster being dumped by this guy...yet you think nothing of all the people that she dumped becuase she is unable to appreciate her partners after only a maximum of 5 months, and then gets bored. That is not being insecure...that is being like a spoiled child who does not appreciate people that give her love.
-Frank B "H"ermit
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A
female
reader, YummyMummy +, writes (27 June 2007):
 Me and my guy are well through the honeymoon period but we still do things that remind me of the early love. He'll leave a note saying he loves me on my pillow when he goes to work and things like that!
xxxxxxxx
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (27 June 2007): I will condone verbal abuse when I see it. Telling someone to shut up or calling them a twat no way equates to being called a spoiled brat.
That poster and yourself are hyper sensitive to critism; I think that you both will find offense in the simplest of things let alone you took what he said and personalized it and started some crusade. That was unneccesary.
You and poster may have issues and insecurities and more so than the average person but this does not absolve you both from using abusive language.
We are in charge of our own destinies and we are to rise above letting our emotions rule us, we should work to rule them. Following your heart is not a sin but being insecure is being lead by your fears. Differenciate.
I still say thinking with our heads and getting control on emotions that do not aid in happiness is a good place to start as well as counselling to give poster and you the tools to deal and address insecurities and fears so that you don't have to live in a constant state of worry, fear, anxiety-it's not healthy, emotionally, physically, or mentally and will tear one down. Prevention is a good thing.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (27 June 2007): I will condone verbal abuse when I see it. Telling someone to shut up or calling them a twat no way equates to being called a spoiled brat.
That poster and yourself are hyper sensitive to critism; I think that you both will find offense in the simplest of things let alone you took what he said and personalized it and started some crusade. That was unneccesary.
You and poster may have issues and insecurities and more so than the average person but this does not absolve you both from using abusive language.
We are in charge of our own destinies and we are to rise above letting our emotions rule us, we should work to rule them. Following your heart is not a sin but being insecure is being lead by your fears. Differenciate.
I still say thinking with our heads and getting control on emotions that do not aid in happiness is a good place to start as well as counselling to give poster and you the tools to deal and address insecurities and fears so that you don't have to live in a constant state of worry, fear, anxiety-it's not healthy, emotionally, physically, or mentally and will tear one down. Prevention is a good thing.
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A
female
reader, Jendorset +, writes (27 June 2007):
No FRANK B HERMIT, there is being honest and then there is being rude and insensitive. Yes, being insecure can cause relationships to end, but being insecure is NOT being immature. Malyce_Synn72 , Frank was disrespectful towards this woman's feelings. I dont respect disrespectful people. Dont be a hypocrite, you tell me that frank b can say whatever he likes...then tell me not to tell him to shut up. And if FRANK B KERMIT can call this a woman a spoilt brat she can call him a twat. Im not here to be nice either, and i have told you what i think. So if you or Malyce_Synn72 dont like it, then dont preach it. I would never wish that this woman gets dumped. You dont know her storey so you dont fully understand. You never know until you know the full picture. And i dont think her problems mean she does not appreciate people. Malyce_Synn72 - some people cant help but think with there emotions. You cant help it if your not made of stone, and it does good to follow your heart sometimes. You miss alot of fantastic opportunities when you dont. But im sure you already know that.
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A
male
reader, Frank B Kermit +, writes (25 June 2007):
To Jendorset and the Original Poster,
I stand by my original answer.
I am not here to be "nice" and tell people what they think they want to hear. I am here to be honest about what I think becuase I beleive I help people with being honest with them EVEN if it pisses them off sometimes.
MANY of the people I help through my work (books, seminars and otherwise) have a need to grow up. It is better to be honest with them ALWAYS.
I have dated many women, of all shapes, sizes, and ages ... those that refuse to grow up, all end up lonely in their 40s. I know these women intimately. I feel their sadness and despare, and have written articles on it.
I met my fiance in Oct. We are getting married this Sept. I love her dearly, and it was love at first meeting. We bought the ring together within days of meeting each other. But even with as much love as we have for each other, the honeymoon phase just does not last, and ending potentially great relationships and hurting her partners becuase of it, is simply immature.
The poster asked how does one grow up...at age 24. I think that I answered that question. Calling me a "twat" and threatening to never "play with anyone at dear cupid" again is not a reflection on me, but of her own need to grow up, which she agreed was her issue to begin with. I agree.
Everyone wishes that someone had the balls to be honest with them, when it is too late for them to do anything about it. She is a woman, and she has a biological clock, which most men do not take into consideration. Jendorset, I love women, and becuase of that, I know women's realities more than you think.
If you don't like what you hear, ignore it. But don't go creating more drama for yourself at my expense, just because I may have struck a cord with you.
-Frank B Kermit
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (25 June 2007): Jendorset,
My apologies for misspelling your name and mistakenly posting that you said twat. I meant to put poster in there and failed to do so. I do understand the whole my fingers cannot keep up with my thoughts.
The realitiy of being online and turning to strangers for advidce is to accept you will get blunt answers and those you don't want to hear. It's like that offline as well.
If poster wants to make the judgement call of becoming so upset over one post she disagrees with, that is her choice and attached to it is that she is cutting herself off by having useful and necessary advice.
Poster Babe, you really do need to work on thinking with your brain and not your emotions.
It's all cool.
Take a long hard look at yourself-you can do what you want with your life; you have the power.
*hugs*
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (25 June 2007): Jenderset, you may disagree with Frank but you do not get to tell him to shut up. You are being disrespectful to him. That whole Twat was very unneccesary.
Eventhough it may not be how you handle this question-his bluntness has some valid points and I would have to agree with the growing up part- by not letting insecurity or fears rule here.
When we let such fears rule over our clear thinking we begin to make decisions based on the not so helpful emotions and stop thinking with our brain. We make choices that we sooner or later, regret.
Maturity (or wisdom) does significantly determine if one is capable of doing this.
I think his ideas of doing charitable works is a very good idea in teaching oneself the value and importane of gratitude.
Hey we may always want or desire that we always be in the first time falling in love part of a relationship but it's not realistic. Irish said it all perfectly.
You want to change and trust and have a healthy adult relationship then seek counselling to deal with the all in the head stuff-I hear they may even know what they are talking about.
Good Luck Kiddo.
Life is about taking the good with the bad and constructive critism, tough love is sometimes needed.
Thanks to all the Aunts and Un
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A
female
reader, Jendorset +, writes (25 June 2007):
Sorry everyone - i didn't run that through the spell checker before i posted it. I was so annoyed i just typed and sent.
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A
female
reader, Jendorset +, writes (25 June 2007):
FRANK B KERMIT - why dont you shut up. Alot of people struggle with insecurity and i completely understand how the anoymous question answerer is feeling. Frank - You dont know this womans full storey and she could have so many reasons for being insecure that you dont know about. How dare you judge her and say she is acting like a 14 year old when SO many people (men and woman) have this problem as its so common. I am also an insecure person, and we are not like it because we are nasty and immature, its because we are sensitive and we worry. I think when you come out of the honeymoon period reality sets in because you are over the nicest part of getting to know one another. I think its when you realise you may have a chance of lasting that you start worrying. Like skeez...i miss it when me and my boyfriend where in that stage. I think when you first get together you phone each other all the time because you want to enjoy it while its there encase it doesnt last. You miss the way your boyfriend was obsessed with you (like i do) because it made you feel certain that he wanted you. And everyone wants to feel wanted. Ignore FRANK B KERMITS insensitive and STUPID reply and dont abandon dearcupid just because of him. I promise, we are not all like that on here. Message me or add me to your friends, because i really know how your feeling and i know how hard it can be when you feel like this. Insecureity is so common. I have read alot of FRANK B KERMITS replys to people and i have thought alot of them were unfair, but he went to far this time. Please dont take his reply as a sample of what dearcupid or the people on dearcupid are like, because i have had alot of suport on here and there are so many people on here that help. Feel free to contact me at any time . x
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (25 June 2007): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks to everyone who has answered. And a special thank you to 'Frank B Kermit'
You answer was not only rude and offensive but has made me think again before asking for advice on a forum such as this one.
If you have such a strong opinion in the future maybe you should consider how you phrase them before you speak and upset people.
Oh and by the way, I think you should reconsider your picture - you look like a twat.
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A
male
reader, Frank B Kermit +, writes (19 June 2007):
How do you grow up? Well first you have to WANT to grow up...and it does not sound like you want to. How does any spoiled brat grow up? Maybe a strong dose of reality.
I almost hope he does dump you. Maybe the pain of losing the best guy you ever had might shock some reality into you.
I do not think you want a real relationship. But you are 24 now, not 14. You do not get to act like a kid. Careful dear...you are going to wake up one day at 40, and be as lonely and miserable as ever if you keep this up.
I think you might want to start volunteering for the homeless shelters, or maybe do the Patch Adams exercise and entertain terminal kids in a hospital...maybe THAT will give you the ability to APPRECIATE people. I think that is what you are lacking.
Good luck. You are setting yourself up for a horrible life.
-Frank B Kermit
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 June 2007): ur in a new honeymoon period, the kind where ye know each other so well that he gives u what u need during ur "moods" whether its space or a cuddle, where u dont have perfectly applied make up on and he's not grossed out but notices that ur freckles are cute, its the kind of honeymoon period that will last and should bring u more security not less, its nice bein told ur gorgeous all the time at the start but surely it means more now if uv put in that extra bit of effort and he's noticed.
hoping for a constant start of happiness in the blurry beginning of a relationship will only lead to disappointment not fulfillment. sit down and take a minute to see what u do hav instead of wasting ur time and energy on what u think uv lost,
take care
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (19 June 2007): You aren't in the committed, real love stage, yet, with committment being the key word. You are still just infatuated and I will tell you why. The honeymoon phase is actually just the 'infatuation' phase. So many people mistake this phase for genuine love. This is the phase that brings people together and it gives the relationship the kickstart it needs to get over obstacles and develop the relationship into a wonderful, deep long term relationship. It sounds like your bf might be moving toward a strong, steady love of the more meaningful kind. Just relax and try to be patient. Love is reasonable and tolerant-what's happened is your bf does love you, he's more himself. He's moved into the more committed phase-the phase where you can be apart more often, where you can totally trust and respect each other. Where you can give each other 'space' without fretting that this is the end of the relationship. I think when people say they left the relationship because they fell out of love-then they didn't understand the giving, real, deep, meaningful, committed love. Maybe this is something you need to understand. A relationship is hard work, it has challenges but if one has the maturity, confidence and a good view of themselves...they do allow themselves to grow into a complete love with someone else. It sounds like you could be clearly mistaking infatuation for real love, here. So many young people do this. Eventually, it is normal for those beginning infatuation feelings to fade and then we relax, we become our true selves a bit more, we have confidence in the relationship...and that's the time..then we 'commit' to truely loving that person we are with. You just need to get there...don't give up.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (19 June 2007): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for your advice!
To clarify though, it's not because he's stopped being romantic or loving towards me that I'm feeling like this. On the contrary, he brought me flowers for no reason last night and takes me out all the time.
My fears and attitude is in my head! I just don't know how to stop thinking this way! I'm just negative in relationships for some reason and can’t just be content with how amazing this one is – nothing’s ever good enough.
How do you stop being negative and just be happy with what you do have?
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A
male
reader, eddie +, writes (19 June 2007):
 The most important thing to do in order to provide the opportunity for a good marriage is to nurture what you've got. It will not always be in the honeymoon stage. That I can guarantee. He will meet other women he finds attractive and you be attracted to other men. You will argue and have different opinions. You will become bored and restless and question choices. These things area all normal.
In order to stay on track throughout these phases, you must remember your commitment and set boundaries for each other. You have to do "nice" things for each other, just to let the other person know you still care. Life gets busy, we take each other for granted and become resentful toward each other. If you keep the lines of communication open and honor each other, you'll minimize any low points of the relationship. Things change, yo must identify the changes and deal with them.
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A
female
reader, Skeez +, writes (19 June 2007):
 Im sure every single woman and man in a relationship feels like this at some point. Everyone wants that 'honeymoon period' to lst forever, but the good thing about it passing, it shows that both of you are now comfatable with each other. You dont need to shower each other with presents and calls everyday. You both know you love each other. I miss the days when me and my boyfriend where like that, but I realise that we dont need all of that stuff to show how much we love each other. Maybe your boyfriend isnt the romantic type, or something, but the lack of calls and etc isnt bad and you should treasure what you have together now.
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A
female
reader, weebee +, writes (19 June 2007):
Hi Miss
Did you ever hear the sayin "What you fear you create". To explain it, You are needing him to want you that instead of bringing him closer you are pushing him away. insecure you might lose you, you are creating what you dont want.
Everyone loves to be wanted, we are all human after all but what you need to realise just because he doesnt phone you 24/7 doesnt mean you are less on his mind, he just doesnt need to keep phoning you to check that your still there. its about trust and understanding now.
Dont look at your relationship as what it once was, look at what its become. You have both grew to love eachother, trust that he wants to be with you other wise why would he listen to your constant moaning, "as you put it" because if you were to lose him you would see you were already perfect the way you where. Dont let yourself learn the hard way.
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