A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I want to marry a female and have children but I am a gay male.Please help. Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (26 January 2014): You haven't responded to offer any details where you're going with your post. If you want to know if you can be mentally reassigned to think like a heterosexual; and undo your sexual orientation. That is his highly unlikely. You are who you are.
You're a thirty year-old man, and your orientation is pretty-well engrained. You can put yourself through the torture of trying to be what you're not. Many have. Some claim they've changed. They can only offer anecdotal evidence; and most likely they are lying. They are trying to
break through the barriers of their family's disapproval, or they are in a country where their lives are at risk.
My friend. The world can be pretty ugly about it, but there are so many of us who are happy and fulfilled. We have families and don't have to change being who we really are.
Why do you want to be married to a woman? What would that do for you?
Could it be that you just want to be accepted by your family, neighbors, and society? Is that the true reason?
A
female
reader, xTheAlmightyDuckx +, writes (20 January 2014):
 I think maybe if you could elaborate on this it would be great :)
We as aunts and uncles can work better with more information.
From what you have written though, if you are a gay man why would you want to marry a women?
Surely doing that would jeopardize your happiness?
There are so many options for gay men and women to have kids these days, you can adopt, foster, or even have another women (can sometimes be a close friend or anyone as long as they agree) to surrogate for you and give birth to your own child.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 January 2014): I agree that we need more details to advise you correctly. I am unsure whether you desire to be married to a woman is about hiding the fact you are gay or simply so you can procreate?
I know gay men who've had children with heterosexual women and lesbian women but they didn't marry and set up house together? They raised the child as a divorced couple might.
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A
female
reader, WhenCowsAttack  +, writes (19 January 2014):
Great advice as always, Wiseowle. OP, you're very young, I would sit on these feelings for a number of years and see what happens. It may be possible to find a woman with the desire to marry and have a family who is also very open minded and has little to no sex drive, a woman who would be content to have a best friend sort of marriage and look the other way regarding your sexual orientation, but they're probably few and far between. If you still feel this way after a few years, then seek out a woman such as this. Just don't lie to her, ok? Seems there's nothing more devastating than to find out years later that your husband has deceived you all those years.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (19 January 2014): I'm a gay man, settled with my boyfriend. I admit that I play the more 'feminine' role and keep the house etc, but we have three children and it's very rewarding.
You don't have to live a lie these days. Embrace having a family with the man you love.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (19 January 2014): Before I came out, I also had my mind set on marrying a female and having a family. I even had sex with women to "correct my mindset" and reprogram my sexual-orientation to align myself with what is acceptable and considered "normal."
I am a deep thinker, and I tend to ask a lot of questions. My nickname was "Mr. Peabody," in elementary school. He was a cartoon character. A highly intellectual talking dog. He was a philosopher and scientist. My classmates gave me the nickname; because I loved to put together interesting and elaborate science projects.
I felt I could "intellectualize" away homosexuality. It didn't work. Sexually, your true nature surfaces no matter how hard you try to subdue or suppress it.
Men have lived closeted through the centuries in order to hide being gay, fit into society, keep a job,to avoid imprisonment; or escape a death-sentence. Many lived a lifetime of suppressing their feelings; but it wasn't easy.
The homosexuality doesn't go away. They usually give up and come out, or reveal themselves to their loved-ones. Or, they are exposed through investigation, or spying. To everyone's surprise, or non-surprise.
J.Edgar Hoover was a horrible little monstrous "alleged" closet-case: who was the first Director of the FBI in the United States. He launched thousands of investigations exposing men for being homosexual; when he himself was suspected to be gay. He ruined lives and destroyed careers. He never married.
The problem is, although I could mentally make myself go through the motions of having sex with females, and could actually enjoy it; I could not feel sexually attracted or emotionally attach myself and fall in-love. Yet I love women. That isn't enough. Don't we men put women through enough?
They deserve to receive what they give emotionally and physically. It's absolutely selfish to subject women to some self-indulgent ideal or fantasy-driven relationship. Only at some point, for you to decide it isn't really how nature has programmed or wired your brain to function and perform.
There is fantasy, and then there is grim reality. It's not just what you want, it is what she will want as well. A wife has her own dreams of what her family should be; and what she expects from her husband and the father of her children. It's not just about your desires and expectations in pursuit of a "dream."
There may be arrangements made. In fact, there have been through the centuries. Monarchs, celebrities, and public figures were forced to do it. The only problem is, the women made most of the sacrifice within the marriage or relationship. She often discovered her man to be compelled to follow his nature, and secretly pursue other men. At some point his impulses took over. Women were often humiliated, divorced, or abandoned; after they devoted and invested precious years of their lives and gave their love. That is totally unfair. Viciously cruel.
If you decide to marry, your partner has to know the absolute truth about your sexual-orientation. It must be a mutual agreement, and no one should come up short; or have to make an unreasonable sacrifice. It should not be a lie.
If she is accepting of your homosexuality, she will also have to be willing to accept the fact sex may not be frequent; or as fulfilling for her as she may expect from a man who IS sexually attracted to women. It may be quite mechanical, and feel unnatural to you. She may feel uncomfortable with the knowledge her husband is not attracted to her; and may fantasize about men, and not her.
It is tough enough for women to deal with heterosexual men. Either feeling like they're treated like a sex-object; or under-appreciated, because they don't measure up to unrealistic standards of beauty and sexual-imagery. They even have to deal with penile dysfunction and lost of sex-drive in the marriage. Even freaking cheating. They would feed you to the wolves; to know you would dash their hopes and dreams on the rocks. I wouldn't blame them.
You can go through with a make-believe marriage. You, like many long before you, will return to reality. You will realize that marriage to someone you are not sexually attracted to isn't a marriage. It is simply an arrangement. Something created for all the wrong reasons.
In your case, it is a fantasy.
Remember, to form a true marriage and create a family; you must fall in-love first.
I've known gay men to marry lesbians over the years. They created special liaisons to produce children, fool their families and employers, for tax purposes, and for health insurance. They were quite happy and remained in these relationships for many years. There was a twist. They had open marriages where the lesbians had their girlfriends, and the guys had men. I think that is the element of the arrangement that sucks. What about the children?
This is so confusing and inappropriate on so many levels.
It is a mockery to marriage to take vows of fidelity, and live otherwise. So, now marriage has been legalized for gays in most states in this country, and gays have children the natural way, adoption, or surrogacy. They have very happy families. There are exceptions to every rule. Many, like yourself pursued their dreams, and ended up with reality.
If you decide to go through with it, remember that it's not just about you. There is a woman and children who will be expecting you to love them, and be a good husband and father. For you to keep them safe and happy. To provide for them, and give them a nurturing and healthy environment as a family. If you can do that, go for it.
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A
female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (19 January 2014):
 The more information you give the better and more precise advice you'll get. All we have here is your age bracket and the fact that you say you're gay but want a wife and kids. Details please.
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A
female
reader, person12345 +, writes (19 January 2014):
 Is it children you want or the concept of a "wife?"
You can have children as a gay man, you will need to adopt or find a surrogate.
If it's the concept of a wife, you know that marrying a woman doesn't give you a free personal chef and maid as glamorized in the 50s, right?
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (19 January 2014):
 Gay males can have children without getting married with a woman. Either by adopting ,in some countries,- or by artificial insemination, or , I suppose, by bringing thmselves to do the deed with a willing female partner.
I get the desire for a child, but how the female WIFE ( fits into this, if you are not attracted sexually/romantically to women ?
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A
female
reader, Atsweet1 +, writes (19 January 2014):
 People do this all the time its the norm I see. I think the children suffer the most in these type of deals basically if you like men you plan on putting that on pause to pursue wife and children. I have been married lol Im not all that str8 myself but it takes work to stay married especially when people are attracted to opposite sex.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (19 January 2014): Get a boyfriend, be together for a long time, marry and then adopt. I mean come on it's going to be legal in England in a few months. I'm personally looking forward to it ;)
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A
male
reader, no nonsense Aidan +, writes (19 January 2014):
There is no guarantee your sexual orientation will change. It is said by some therapists, often religious, that you can be converted or taught to think differently, but there isn’t any evidence to support such claims. The reality is human sexuality is far more complicated than just gay or straight, most psychologists who have written about this kind of thing say that most of us are somewhere along a continuum from heterosexual at one end and homosexual at the other. This is why it isn’t unheard of for a gay man to fall for a woman, a lesbian to fall for a man, or some-one heterosexual to have a homosexual relationship. We like to label people because it’s easier to understand that way, which is why we’ve got terms like “bi-curious” etc.
We also know lots of people go through what are described as “phases” or experiment with their sexuality.
Whilst there is no harm in being open to the possibility of meeting a woman, you should also think carefully about which parts of this family set-up really matter to you. As a gay man children can still be a part of your life: more and more gay people are having them by various means. Are there certain qualities you perceive to be female that you find attractive and could you not look for them in a man?
Only you know if you have any attraction to females at all, no-one can tell you if you will do in future, and if that’s the case by all means look for a suitable woman for you. But as a gay man you should think about looking for what you want out of a partner in men.
I wish you all the very best.
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A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (19 January 2014):
 Have you ever had a boyfriend or a girlfriend? How do you know that you want to marry a woman and have children with her, if you haven't had a girlfriend and aren't attracted to women?
If you could choose, to do exactly what you want, what would you do? I mean, in your imagination, what would the absolutely best thing be?
Would you have wanted to marry a man and have children with him? Or just marry with no children? Or children, not marriage? Or just a boyfriend?
Do you wish you weren't gay? In which case, can you explain why?
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