A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Hi agony aunts, I'm in need of some help. I am married with three children and I am living with a physically and emotionally abusive spouse. He has cheated on me in the past several times and he said he would change but he has not. I want to leave but I don't want my children to have to experience living in a shelter, this is their home. I don't have any friends or family to turn to if I do leave for support. I feel distraught and I feel hopeless and do not know what to do.
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cheated on me, emotionally abusive Reply to this Question
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male
reader, honestman  +, writes (16 March 2012):
GET THE HELL OUT OF THERE
Seriously. You should not stay for the kids. You are just going to set a bad example of what a marriage is.
GET OUT!
Try asking help for any siblings or your parents.
Also, research if there is any government funds for women in your situation.
If you divorce, he should pay child support, so you don't have to carry all the burden yourself.
Sometimes is better living in a shelter than living a hell of a marriage.
A
female
reader, chocoholicforever  +, writes (10 March 2012):
You can make a new home for your children, the one you have now with your abusive spouse is not the be-all and end-all.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (9 March 2012): The most important thing is your physical safety and that of your children's. So leaving is the best thing you can do. There is no point staying in a home that is marred by physical abuse, your children are already damaged from this. Depending on the severity of the abuse you could ask him to leave, but he most likely won't, so you need to do this. It does seem ridiculous though that not only do you suffer the abuse but you also have to leave your home. I guess if you divorce then you will get what is due to you financially at some point.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 March 2012): You SHOULD uproot your children from their home if their home is a toxic and dangerous place. Maybe your husband doesn't abuse the children, he abuses only you and thus the kids don't see their home as a toxic/dangerous place. But it is, they just haven't yet experienced it but sooner or later they will. part of being a parent is doing what's best for the children, even if it makes them unhappy because they don't understand the full story. later on in their lives, when they grow up, they will thank you for this.
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A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (9 March 2012):
 You, and your kids, are 'way better off in a shelter than you are with an abusive "husband"......
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A
male
reader, Danielepew +, writes (9 March 2012):
 I have never even been to Canada but Mr. Grant's advice seems great to me.
You know, being abusive is a personality trait. It doesn't usually change. Some people do change, but they are very few. And abuse leaves wounds that run deep. I think you owe it to you and to your children to do what Mr. Grant recommends.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (9 March 2012):
 Trust me the short term living in the shelter is the lesser of two evils vs learning that lying cheating and abusing a wife is an acceptable way to live.
C Grant gave you great advice and a link for help.
Trust me when I tell you that the women who man the hotline and BEEN THERE DONE THAT and will understand totally how you feel....
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A
male
reader, C. Grant +, writes (9 March 2012):
 You could start by calling a domestic violence hotline. They can help you clarify your options.
This link discusses some national resources:
http://www.lfcc.on.ca/ralinks.html
Depending where you are in the country there will likely be quite a variety of local resources. If you're familiar with a shelter in your area, give them a call. They're set up to help in more ways than just providing a safe roof over your head.
I completely get that you don't want your children uprooted from their home. But -- if they're in danger, isn't it better that they be safe somewhere else than at risk in their home? I've worked with lots of shelters and women's organizations in my area (Calgary). One of the services they offer is help for children to learn to cope with the violence they've seen -- it's a very important part of breaking the cycle.
You've taken a very important step by reaching out like this -- no one who hasn't been in your situation can know just how difficult it is to take that step. Now put your concerns aside for the moment and speak to someone who knows what help is available in your area.
Good luck to you and your kids.
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A
female
reader, jinxx +, writes (9 March 2012):
 What you need to do is figure out what your options are. Staying with him should not be one of them. As much as you don't want your children to experience life in a shelter, do you want them to experience abuse at the hands of their father? It could very well go there, and statistics say they probably will. You need to start talking to people who can help you. A counselor, the police, maybe even go down to a shelter and discuss your options with them, as they'll probably have more answers for you than we could give you. There is help for you, all you have to do is seek it out. Do you work? Do you have any money saved up? Learning more about your situation would really be helpful. The sooner you get out, the better!! Please don't stay. I am not and haven't been in your situation, but I am genuinely concerned. I know it will be hard but you have to do what is best for your children, and yourself.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (9 March 2012): My advice is to take some money, pack up your children and LEAVE. You're risking both yours and your children's life in that house. If you don't have any friends or family, try to leave as far as you can, I'm talking about a different city.
You can either do that or call the police.
I really wish you to get out of that hell as fast as you can.. My prayers are with you!
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