A
male
age
41-50,
*eorgeyboy
writes:I'm married with young kids and have been with my wife for 10 years. Over the last few years our sex life has become almost non existant which we put donw to the pressures of having young children. Recently I have discovered that my wife is using a vibrator and it appears she is using it on a very regular basis. I don;t know how to bring up the subject. She knows I know she has one but i don't think she is aware i know how frequently she uses it. We are still not having sex, we had intercourse over 12 months ago so its really frustrating. Any thoughts on how to handle the situation?
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female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (10 March 2012):
 Talk to her. Auntie Eyeswideopen put it VERY nicely.
You have been married for 10 years and a vibrator is a big secret?
A
male
reader, Beingblack +, writes (9 March 2012):
 I am intrigued as to how you know your wife uses her vibrator, without her telling you. How do you know the frequency?
The saddest part is that even after 10 years of marriage, you feel you cannot discuss sex with your wife. I feel sorry to question your relationship, but also feel obliged to do so. Isn't this the woman you said your vows to? Love, honour, obey etc? Why can't you discuss it with her? Why is this a difficult or touchy subject? Are there secrets between you that are ruining your mutual feelings? An honest and open relationship would mean you would never have to ask HOW to bring up any subject.
Remember that you are both aware there has been no sex for a year, but avoiding the topic will not make it go away, nor will things become better without communication.
Your wife clearly likes sex.
There will be a reason why your wife uses a vibrator, when you are in the same bed with a perfectly good penis, tongue and fingers. Be prepared to have your ego dented!
You could also try to embrace the use of the vibrator, include it in your next sex session, (however distant that may be), by cuddling her while she uses it.
But nothing will be achieved without a frank discussion about how she likes sex, and how you could help her to do it more often with you.
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (9 March 2012):
 I'm very curious as to know how you're so sure that she's using the vibrator "frequently". I'm not disputing you, but being suspicious and knowing are hugely different things.
Curiosity aside (which has no bearing on my advice), I concur with the others. It's pretty obvious -- you have small children. Time to invest some real time and money getting away from it all. A second honeymoon is ideal, but a weekend at a bed and breakfast will do nicely. Make it a place where you two are absolutely pampered. Getting away and reconnecting with love is the best way to do it.
Otherwise, sitting down and having a long talk about where your sex life is disconnecting is really the only thing to do at this point. Instead of being accusatory (example "You never want sex anymore!), make it a dilemma that both of you can solve. If it's stale, or if she's not having a orgasm, or if it's medical...time to talk about it.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 March 2012): She obviously still has sexual needs to be relieved, but she is CHOOSING not to do it with you. The question is, why? She must view sex with you in a negative way, thus she would prefer the other option.
So I suggest that instead of making an issue about her using her vibrator (which would be a confrontation no matter how much you tip toe around it, and further add more negativity to however she views having sex with you), instead you say nothing about the vibrator for now, and just work on improving the relationship and emotional intimacy between you two. Only if you have good emotional intimacy then is it appropriate to bring up the subject of asking why she's using her vibrator instead of choosing to have sex with you. Bringing this up without the context of a close loving intimate relationship, is inevitably going to come off as not being relationship-focused or focused on your spouse's needs, but on yours when there's little reason for her to be focused on yours.
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A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (9 March 2012):
 I suggest you sit her down and say to her, "Honey, I notice that you are using lots of batteries these days.. but you haven't worn out, or replaced the bulb in your flashlight for a Loooooong time. Is there anything special about your flashlight that you want to tell me? Would you like it if I illuminated things in your panties for a change?????"
That should do the trick. I GUARANTEE IT!!!!
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A
male
reader, Danielepew  +, writes (9 March 2012):
 What Eyes said.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 March 2012): why not try and rekindle the flame? Get a babysitter take her out, and get some romance back in your life. Then go home and and see if shes willing but talking to her would be best.
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A
male
reader, LazyGuy  +, writes (9 March 2012):
 If I understand biology right, since you have kids, you had sex at one point at least. What changed between then and now?
Talking to her is a good idea but I would first think very hard about you, her and the two of you. You might find that what you thought was true, isn't. Now, she ain't cheating and she hasn't lost her sex drive... but something caused a change.
And frankly, something caused you to change because would have come on a forum asking for advice after a year of no-sex? 12 months and you only frustrated now? That isn't almost non-existent, your sex-life is dead. It has ceased living, it is an ex-sex-life.
This topic is mostly brought up by women and they talk about their advanced being rejected... you don't... you don't mention ANYTHING at all.
Since you don't give any details, must I make a guess and say that you might have lost that loving feeling? No longer seduce her but just wham bam thank you mam if she has put the green signal light on it is okay and if not you are just as happy to go straight to sleep because pressing your advances would be rude with the kids and all?
Sometimes we loose love not through anger and hurt but through a tiny daily repeated hurt. Not kissing goodbye. Of course not, you are busy, and each day you are to busy, you die a little inside.
Or maybe you just suck at it and she doesn't want it anymore.
DETAILS, I know you are a man and talking is to be avoided at all costs but your wife is a woman and women need talking. But not just talking, talking with understand and start with understanding what channged between when you two guys couldn't get enough of each other and today when a year passed and neither one is protesting. Note that she ain't cheating or leaving you... she just accepted the lack of sex and sought a substitute.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 March 2012): The vibrator may just be a way of relieving frustration in an easy, uncomplicated way. Having young children is very tiring and sex often goes off the menu. I would not make much of the vibrator but concentrate on rebuilding your love life. Suggest a meal out, get a baby sitter. Make it obvious that you still fancy her and cuddle her etc. Little things I know - but it's easy just to become 'parents' and lose that sense of who you are.
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A
female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (9 March 2012):
 Sit down with her and tell her you guys need to get back to having sex on a regular basis. Tell her how much you miss those tender moments and the wonderful closeness that comes with intimacy. Have a nice long chat, she may surprise you. Perhaps things need to improved and spiced up. Just talk to her, calmly and lovingly.
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