A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I recently met a lovely man off a dating site. We chatted for around two months online before we met, and we've been dating for around five months. He's a little older than me, I'm 24 and he's 32 but the age gap doesn't bother either of us. I feel like we have a connection and he treats me like a princess. If i stay at his place he cooks me lovely meals, he surprises me with flowers and cute little gifts, and he calls me beautiful all the time. He is so sweet. Every time I think about him I smile! The only thing that bothers me is he is still married. Obviously they are separated and are getting a divorce, but they have an eight year old child together too. I've told him that I would like to start a family of my own in time, whether it be with him if things work out between us and we are together for a while, but I always said to myself that when I have children, it will be with a man who is new to the experience like me and I feel like because he already has a child that he'll have already been through it and I'll be experiencing all these new things on my own, whereas he will know what to expect.I know loads of people have partners who have children with other people but I have never dated a man who has children before.He's a great dad and does a lot for his son but I can't help feeling a bit pushed out and jealous at times. Am I being selfish?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 September 2013): I agree there's a lot to be said against marrying and having kids with a guy who already has kids. Not only will it not be as novel for him as for you, but whereas your attention will be all on your child, his attention is split between your child and the one he has with another woman. You will feel that whereas you are 100% invested in him and your child together as this will be the only family you know, he's not similarly 100% invested in you and your child because he has another family elsewhere. Of course if you were to marry him you'd be a step-mother to his other child so you would sort of merge your families. that is a whole can of worms in and of itself. And, his ex will always be in the picture because of their child, which is another can of worms. I think since you've only known him 5 months and already you're feeling that him already having a kid is going to be problematic for the future, you should go with your gut instinct and break up with him. there isn't anything he can do about his kid, not that he would want to anyway, so this is a deal breaker.
A
female
reader, Daisy_Daisy +, writes (5 September 2013):
 Good spot, Sage.
OP, you've known him for 5 months. Add on the 2 months you chatted before you met. Why isn't he divorced yet? Do you know why his marriage broke down?
I know there's nothing wrong with forward planning, but I'm a little worried that you're getting carried away with thoughts of family after 5 months. You don't really know someone after 5 months. People unfold, and I'm wondering why his marriage failed.
I'm also wondering why you started dating a man with a child if it's such an issue to you. I presume he was honest about having offspring on his profile?
Sorry to sound cynical, but you're right to be bothered that he's married. Unless his divorce is imminent, I'd say that is a way bigger issue than him having a son.
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A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465  +, writes (5 September 2013):
 I think you should spend more time thinking about this phrase, from your submittal:
"...Obviously they are separated and are getting a divorce,.."
It isn't "obvious" to me.....
Good luck...
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A
female
reader, Brokenv  +, writes (5 September 2013):
I'm sorry but I think you and him will have your own experience with your baby if that is what is too happen. No one can take away that experience of it being your child. I would look at this as he had some training that will help you guys succeed as great parents.
I had my second child when my first child was 8 years old. It was like starting all over again. My husband and I felt like new parents again.
I think you are lucky to have this man.......and his son.
Good luck
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (5 September 2013):
 I doubt that you are really concerned about yourself becoming a first time parent while for him it would be the second time . What do you think, that when parents have their second baby , they go " Yawn. How boring. Been there, done that " ? Think again. Ask around and you will find that everybody is very excited , and feel strong emotions at the birth of a child , some times even negative emotions if the baby was not wanted or arrives at a bad time for the couple, anywy they will feel all but indifference. Plus, every baby is different from another, they grow in different ways, behave differently, reach their first milestones ( first teeth, first steps ) at a different time - you risk anything BUT your partner being uninterested .
I think what REALLY bothers you is what you say in your last sentence :" he does a lot for his son and I can't help feeling a bit pushed out and jealous at times " . Exactly : you can't help it , because it is natural. You love the guy but also love all the attention he lavishes on you, you love being his princess. And knowing that this is all nice and well, YET there is a little prince who anyway comes , and will always come, at least in certain moments , even before the princess, well, it's normal that it rankles. If you want this guy, you have to take as a given that you WILL share center stage , with a kid who is only born from him, not from you.
Some people handle this soon, graciously and effortlessly , some others need a little time to process the idea. Some women aren't the types to process anything, they just CAN'T be but the first and only love object in a man's heart. There's no point in berating them for being " selfish " or competitive, everybody of us is equipped for certain types of relationships and not for others.
I guess you'll have to decide what type of woman you are and what you can comfortably handle, or not.
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A
female
reader, ModelCitizen +, writes (5 September 2013):
I don't think you are being selfish at all, in fact I feel the same way myself (although with me it's more because I don't think I could handle being a stepmum and have to deal with the ex always being around and the fact he has a whole other family to consider which is totally separate from me, rather than because i want us to experience things together). However, I always said I'd re-evaluate that if I ever met someone who made me question it. You obviously have, so I guess the question is - is he worth giving up your original beliefs for? Your issues can be overcome, but it ultimately depends on what is stronger - your feelings about children or your feelings for him. It doesn't make you a bad person if you can't handle it either. I'm sure being a stepmum can be really amazing, but it is also a huge deal and something that requires a lot of work, commitment and thought.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (5 September 2013): You're not being selfish but you are being sentimental about something that really doesn't matter if you're being honest about your reasons.
Is it really that you want some kind of movie like, "first time parents" thing or is it the fact that he has a kid already and a life long link to another woman?
I mean what you're saying is illogical. First off unless your plan is to dump him the minute you get pregnant then he'll be with you every step of the way so you won't be experiencing anything alone. if you think he'll somehow not feel as special about having this kid as his first then seriously ask any parent whether that's the case, it's not.
So what's this amazing first time experience you're thinking? You don't like the idea he may have changed nappies before? Or been puked on by a burping baby? Or been woken up in the middle of the night? Living life with very little sleep with a very needy new addition and a hormonal woman who can fly off the handle at the a moments notice?
If you ask me you're better off with a man who knows what he's getting himself into. You want a first timer with you when you have baby blues, or god forbid maybe some severe PND?
OP if this is really about some kind of naive principle of you sharing some "special" first time with a guy who is clueless then frankly you're living in a fantasy world.
OP unless you're a complete idiot then you already know what to expect don't you? It's not rocket science and you're going to want to know your stuff before you have the kid. You're going to want to know how to wrap it, how to sooth teething, what lotions are best to prevent nappy rash, how to apply thermometers, etc.
Having a guy with experience in that is a plus, it'll give you security.
Plus every child is different, a child between you and him will yield all sorts of surprises, maybe it'll be a girl, its personality will be different, maybe it'll be a placid one who doesn't cry much or maybe it'll be a whiny little attention seeker.
So you see this "I've always had this idea" thing you talk about is not the real reason.
Your second last sentence is.
"I can't help feeling a bit pushed out and jealous at times."
It all comes down to that really and for that I think you should get with a guy who doesn't have a kid for you to be jealous of. You need 100% of a guy's love and affection, that's fine but you'll never be able to occupy 100% of this guy's heart in way that you feel satisfied with.
It's not selfish, some people just can't handle the pseudo-competition they feel a person's kid represents.
OP you need to really think long and hard to yourself and discuss your feelings with your friends. You either have a naive "miracle of life" thing going on or you're just not able to share your man with anyone even his kid.
OP I know no parent who buys into the miracle of life bullshit, sure it's amazing to have a child but it's not all bubbles and kittens. You ask any mother they'll tell you they turn into almost constantly worried, tired, stressed out mess from day one. As rewarding as it is it's the toughest thing mentally and physically you'll ever face.
You need to talk this out with people, ask people what it's really like to have to kids, ask people (especially other women) their opinion on your idea of being with a first timer as a need. Then ask yourself are you just making excuses because honestly it just seems to me you can't handle being with a single dad, so talk to people who've been through that too, especially the jealousy part.
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A
female
reader, Aunty Babbit +, writes (5 September 2013):
 When you have a child that child MUST come before everything else.
You may feel a bit pushed out when his time is devoted to his child but you have to accept this. If it ever came to a choice between you and his son, his son would win hands down. This is how it should be.
His son is not a threat to you. When he's spending time with his boy, enjoy having some time for yourself.
next....
Sharing a pregnancy with someone, when it's the first time for both of you, has it's bonuses because you're learning together and experiencing the whole thing uniquely together.
Sharing a pregnancy with someone who has a child/children already has it's bonuses because they can reassure you when scary, unexpected or perfectly normal but strange things happen. Also remember he's never had a child with you before so that would be new.
Another plus is that you already know what an amazing Dad he is and how devoted he would be to your baby.
This relationship sounds fabulous. Relax and see where it takes you. Accept that his child will possibly be quite greedy for his Dad's time as the divorce may be unsettling and scary for him.
Take a back seat, don't push to hard to be included, that will come in time naturally (I have a step child ).
Encourage and support your boyfriend's need to be with his child.
If you love him and can do this, his love for your caring and understanding will be returned.
I hope things go well for you and this advice helps AB x
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A
male
reader, no nonsense Aidan +, writes (5 September 2013):
Not selfish, no. But you will either have to forget any hope of having a family with him if it’s a deal-breaker, or accept the need to come to terms with it. He sounds like a good man and you seem happy together, and the thing to remember is that of course having a child will be very special for him, it’ll be the first time with you and every child is precious. Everyone experiences pregnancy differently so there’ll be plenty he’ll still have to learn that you can share together, and he’ll still feel that amazing feeling when he can see scans, or feel his baby kicking etc. It will be special for him because the child would be a celebration and expression of the love in the relationship, and a new life you created.
But having said that if this is a deal breaker you’ll have to talk to him, and tell him what it means. Would you just never have kids with him? Would you end things because you’d want to have kids with some-one else, who’d be a first-time parent too?
Also in future if you see some-one has kids on a dating site you should think about these things ahead of agreeing to a date, although we don’t know from this post if you were aware of that information or not, or whether you knew at the time how important sharing the future experience with a partner who was also going through it the first time was to you.
It would probably help you as well to meet his son if you haven’t already and start to form a relationship of your own with him, as it may be that part of your problem is feeling excluded from that important aspect of his life. It may be too early on yet, or perhaps you’ve already met him, but it’s a topic you should raise. And if you’ve met him, should you see him some of the time with your partner?
I wish you all the very best.
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