A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I am freaking out! I am getting married next month and... I don't want to!! I want to call this engagement off! It's not that I don't love my bf, it's just that this whole marriage thing is scaring the hell out of me. So many things can go wrong in a marriage... then it's hard to get out. I feel like I'm willingly going to prison. I don't want this responsibility. I childishly said yes to the proposal cos I was caught in the moment, love my bf to bits, loved the idea of the big party, the dress, the ring, the social status of being married (I know, I'm shallow and stupid... don't judge me plz)... but now, I am so scared! And I can't call the engagement off because we've already booked everything and most guests have booked non-refundable plane tickets and hotels. Our families are gonna be there, our friends... how can I even bring myself to tell them? Am I just getting the proverbial cold feet? Or am I doing something wrong in getting married? Please help, I'm freaking out! Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (1 September 2012): Don't get married. If you don't want it now, you will never want it. If you think it's hard to get out of it now, the difficulty will multiply exponentially through the years. I got married at a young age and seriously had second thoughts before I did. Twenty years later I couldn't stand it anymore and it was the hardest thing to deal with - severing 20 years of a relationship that never should have become a marriage in the first place. I broke her heart, I broke my heart, I broke our children's hearts. Just stop it now, it only gets harder.
A
female
reader, Stayc63088  +, writes (31 August 2012):
 I would listen to Person. Unless you want to end the whole relationship, don't stop the wedding. About a month or 2 before my wedding I was freaked the hell out. I was completely rethinking everything. Like what happens if we change down the road and don't like each other anymore? Then I am trapped! And that I could never date again, even though I HATED dating, it was just so scary to seem final like that you know? Marriage felt like the end, like nothing would be exciting anymore and I am trapped in this relationship with nothing I can do to get out. Like if we are just living together I can leave, but if we are married it is this whole other thing I can't get out of! I talked a lot with my then fiancee about this. I was assured it was cold feet. I reminded myself why I am with him, that I don't want to be without him, and we got married. Everything was completely the same as before. I was so terrified over nothing. Nothing changed, we had the same life and love as before. I just now have a ring and a new name. I don't feel trapped.
If anything really awful did happen when you are married you do have the ability to get out. You won't ever be truly trapped. So again if you love this man and don't want to live without him, then that's your answer! If you aren't sure about your relationship, the way you are towards each other, or any red flags that make you think you don't want to be with him for anything serious or long term then you need to terminate the wedding plans regardless of how hard it will be. Being scared of marriage and commitment I think is cold feet and normal. Being scared of marrying this man because he has some faults you don't want to spend your life with and won't be happy, that is your intuition telling you that you shouldn't be with him.
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male
reader, SensitiveBloke  +, writes (31 August 2012):
 If you're not sure about getting married then don't. I know this will cause inconvenience for many people, but it's such an important decision. You must both be 100% sure you wanna do this. You must be completely open with your partner and explain how you feel. If in the future you get to a point where you know it's right, that's the time to go for it, not before.
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male
reader, Serpico +, writes (30 August 2012):
Marriage, next to having children, is the single most important decision a person can make. Regarding your own happiness, it is the single most important. I would suggest that you only go into it if you are 100% certain. However hard it seems to get out of right now, its many times easier now than a year from now.
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male
reader, Fatherly Advice +, writes (30 August 2012):
 If It helps I had cold feet in the last month or engagement. I agree with the great advice you have so far. Divorce is not that hard these days. The marriage is no more likely to break up than the relationship. There is still a fair percentage of marriages that do go the distance.
Don't let what might happen in the future keep you from happiness today.
FA
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 August 2012): If you aren't ready to get married...DON'T!
I'm engaged and I have major cold feet even with the engagement. Just the thought of setting a wedding date scares the crap out of me. The whole commitment thing and I know this sounds so selfish, but not being able to sleep in when I want to, having to answer to someone else, somedays I just want to be a slob, no makeup, no cleaning the house, just sit and watch tv when I want to without someone else around, then having to make dinner for someone else too. I feel caged and I can't help how I feel.
It's better to postpone the wedding. Have a real heart to heart talk with your fiance. That may end it, but that is better than ending up in divorce court years later which would be way more expensive and if there were kids involved.
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female
reader, person12345 +, writes (30 August 2012):
 It sounds like you're just getting cold feet. Sure, you can call off the engagement. But you're almost certainly going to lose your relationship. I really don't see how it could survive something like that.
You are suddenly realizing that you are making a commitment, but you've already committed to each other. There won't be some magical blanket of doom that descends as soon as the wedding is over. Your relationship will still be your relationship and you will still be the same people.
If you want to stay with your fiance, do not call off the engagement. Only call off the engagement if you are prepared to end your relationship.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 August 2012): Im not going 2 judge u because u will b shocked at how many women get married for those same shallow reasons u listed. The want the day the dress the adoration and the status but could care less about the man! I would advise u to reevaluate ur true reasoning for not wanting get married. Is really b/c u getting cold feet r is it something else? Use the time that u have remaining 2 think of what u r really feeling. Use counseling if needed. Marriage is not a prison. It is only if u make it that way. It can b wonderful and beautiful. U both have 2 work at it 2 stay that way. Whatever decision best of luck!
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male
reader, CaringGuy +, writes (30 August 2012):
If you don't want to get married, then don't. You don't have to.
But, there is no doubt that this will come as a major blow to your fiance, who will question whether you do love him.
Is there any way you can postpone it at this stage?
Failing that, have a real, real think about whether you do love your fiance
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female
reader, maverick494 +, writes (30 August 2012):
Seems to me you're just realizing this means commitment. But think about it; this whole idea of that before marriage it's easy to get out of a relationship is just an illusion: you've probably been living together already, sharing your lives, sharing your stuff.
A break up would not be light and easy either. You'd deal with much of the same stuff you do during a divorce. If your relationship is good and you see him as a life partner, why not take the plunge? He certainly sees you as the one.
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