A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:OK so I have always suffered (well since in this relationship anyway) with insecurity and jealousy....whilst I know my thoughts are generally wrong I can't help thinking them....I seem to have become obsessed with thinking that there is something going on between my bf and this girl at work (we all work on the same floor)....they have never actually worked together but somehow seem to have formed a friendship, which is fair enough I am the same with my male colleagues...However, small events seem to be going massive in my head...for example today I stood up and saw that he was looking over at where she sits, she wasn't actually there at the time (he would probably tell me that's not what he was doing if I asked), then when he realised she wasn't there went round the corner to other side (no idea if this was to do with her or not) and seemed to be looking all over her desk when he came back....see if you look at this there are probably 3 factual (well potentially) statements that happened but in my head i've created this story that he was looking for her, couldn't find her so went to check somewhere else and then wanted to look at her desk to see where she was)....add this to when I was by his desk later on and saw what looked like a cake box (he had bought me some this morning so just your average waitrose cake/breakfast bag)...I started to think what if he had got something else for someone, maybe her and thats why he wanted to see her desk to leave it for her as he has done for me...Part of me wants to ask him what he had for breakfast so I can put my mind at ease, but I have a feeling that if I do my other paranoid thoughts will come out....How do I change the way I think? I know what I have said above must make me sound crazy, and I admit some of my thoughts are but I don't know how to stop them and its really getting me down and upset :-(
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reader, anonymous, writes (31 August 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks everyone appreciate your thoughts....In the past I was in an abusive relationship where the guy was both controlling and physically abusive....I think that relationship made me think differently as for around 3 years I was constantly accused of cheating on him (which I never did) and towards the end of our time together I started to think that actually as I had never done anything wrong maybe he was the one cheating on me, so started looking for signs etc.I think that probably hasn't helped how i've become as I seem to be applying the same behavoirs towards my current bf, even though he is not the same...he has cheated on previous partners but aside from that I have no other evidence to suggest it just thoughts in my head! I wish they would just go away.Thank you to you both, I will definitely try out those tips and see if I can become more normal...makes me feel guilty for even thinking those things as he has been very nice to me of late
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (30 August 2012): I myself have this same problem. I am on my third girlfriend, and the first two both cheated on me, twice. (I live by the second-chance rule.) In both cases the girls were just unfaithful and there were warning signs I either ignored or rationalized. Now, with my current GF, who is a breath of fresh air compared to either of my exes, I still find myself inventing scenarios as to how and why she'd cheat on me. (We're in college, so if I'm stressed or upset in general and she wants to go study, the voice in my head will think "yeah, but not academic studies...")
Is there something in your past that might have made you have these issues? Like, have you been cheated on, abused, neglected or whatever by an ex? Have friends or family blown you off for others and not cared how you felt? It sounds to me like you're smart enough to realize that your scenarios are simply fabrications based on fear but you still can't seem to stop them.
The thing is, you could ask him about this one incident and it would put your mind at ease, but only for now. The next time any little tiny thing happened that might make you think there's something wrong, you'll start fabricating again. Essentially, your fear of being cheated on or hurt or neglected causes you to believe it's the only possible outcome.
On your own, the best thing you can do - and I know this is a huge leap of faith especially after you've been hurt - is to allow yourself to trust. Whenever you start feeling that your boyfriend might be "wandering", stop yourself. Force yourself to stop thinking for just a minute. Listen to music, stare out the window, but DON'T let yourself think. You can even visualize fighting with yourself. Every time the thought starts, cut it off with an "uh, uh, uh!". Then after a minute or so, work through what you're feeling logically. In your example: "My boyfriend might like someone else. Reasons: Because his actions *could* mean he's looking for her and wanting to give her a cake or whatever." Then force yourself to think of the other, more reasonable explanations. She is a co-worker after all, and it's normal to give minor gifts to co-workers or friends, and it doesn't automatically mean at all that there's any feelings of any sort involved.
Additionally, think through your relationship. Are there times your boyfriend has done some absolutely flattering things? Are there things he's done that just filled you with that "oh my god, he LOVES me!!!" feeling? Are there times that he's shown you, even if it's subtly, that he cares about you and your feelings? Basically, you want to find some happy memories within your relationship. Let yourself believe that your boyfriend is righteous and loves you.
All that being said, now, if your boyfriend has done more serious things to warrant your suspicions - and by this, I mean SERIOUS things, like going alone to a girl's house overnight, or blowing you off CONSTANTLY (not just once in a while) for other friends or in particular girls, or if he NEVER shows you that he loves you and so on, then you would want to stop and think about whether the relationship is fulfilling your needs. That'd be the time to sit down and talk to him about whatever issues come up.
Also, depending on how your relationship stands and how your boyfriend is towards you, you might even just want to talk to him about how you feel too. If there's something in your past that makes you feel this way, tell him. Even though you might think you're crazy, your feelings are real. If you're in a good relationship, hopefully you'll feel you can trust him with whatever dark secrets have brought on your feelings. Don't, by any means, accuse him or get too nosy about his every action - instead, just be honest about how you feel, and explain WHY (us guys love the question "Why?"). Stay away from hurtful or accusatory or any similar talk and you never know - he might not even be aware and might be willing to help you out!
Hope everything works out for you!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 August 2012): Have u been tumultuous relationships in the past? If so it left u feeling insecure, vulnerable, and hard 2 trust. Believe me we all have been there. There are some things that I learned 2 b able 2 cope with some of those issues. 1st thing is what goes in the dark always come to the light. If there is something going on with someone else, believe me u will eventually find out. So just go on about ur day worry free. Don't expel unnecessary energy worrying about somehing that u don't have solid proof on. Remember believe none of what u hear half of what u see. Believe me when I tell u the truth ALWAYS Come out! If there is some funny business going on u will find out the truth one way or another. Keep a level head, b professional on ur job, and u may want 2 seek some counseling just 2 get a better handle on ur feelings. I believe u just have some healing 2 do. It gets 2 the best of us sometimes. Hold ur head up high and know that u r deserving of good and wonderful things! Best of luck to u!
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A
female
reader, Chicago Girl  +, writes (30 August 2012):
 It seems that you need to get a life!!! Spying on your bf is not acceptable. Until you have some proof that something is happening...relax.
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