A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:i ve been with my boyfriend for 3 years.i am 29 and he is 32.in july he broke up with me because latelly we had problems.basically as time passed i wanted a more serious commitment from him,but he got pressured,and he started going out all the time without me,thing which hurt me very much.i was asking him not to do it all the time,because i was feeling very sad,but nothing changed so we were fighting all the time for the last year.Before things were very good and we were very attached to each other.6 months ago he broke with me,but we keep o seeing each other since then,and we go out,we do many thins togeher.all this time,im trying to get him back,i am asking him to make another effort,but all i hear from him is that he was very stressed and all he needs right now is to be alone with himself.but on the other hand he isnt,because we meet 2-3 times a week,we kiss,we go out but we dont have a relationship.this whole thing makes me very sad,because i want something more,and i cannot handle it any longer.but on the other hand i am afraid to dissapear from his life.since july i have been trying all these things.what is your advice?is there any way i can bring him back with my attitude?thank you very much for your time.
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reader, anonymous, writes (24 January 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionOk i think i will give it a try and see what happens.
Thanx for the advice.
A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (21 January 2011):
 I guess that if you could just put on a vanishing act that would be better. But if you can't bring yourself to do that , you can tell him, simple and clean : I don't like be an FWB, so don't count on me for that.
Then..you have to back it up with your actions though.For instance, do not start, or get entangled in,long, drawn out negotiations by text . You tell him what is goona be- and stick to it.
Good luck, and keep your wits about you :)
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reader, anonymous, writes (21 January 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionSo basically your advice is that i shouldnt tell him that we cannot be in touch anymore right?
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female
reader, CindyCares +, writes (21 January 2011):
I am afraid nobody can help you if you don't want yourself.
Your plan would be to hang in there for dear life until July when he might ask you to live together...
I'd say you are counting your chickens before they hatch . As of now, he tells you time and again that he does not even want to be your bf- what can you do between now and July to make him want to live with you ?
Fix things between us you say.
Yes but, again, to fix a relationship it takes two people .
He says he does not want to be with you because you'd start fighting again.
- it could be an excuse , you know, like " it's not you, it's me "..
- or it could be the truth and he may have a pont ! What were you arguing about ? If those things haven't changed,
you WOULD be fighting again. Example : suppose that you were fighting because he drank too much. Did he stop drinking , does he want to ? No ? Then you'll fight again.
To fix the arguments, you' d have to fix the CAUSES of the arguments- maybe he can't or he does not want.
It's not enogh to say "remember the good times " - he is having good times right now !, because he still has you when he wants , - but with no obligations.
It could be , like other posters say, that this relationship has run its course, or hopefully it could be that if there is still affection between you, you can resurrect it in future. But first, you have to give him space. Let him go. There is a slim chance that he may miss you, or forgive about the bad times, or revaluating what you mean to him, you may try perhaps getting in touch in July and see how it goes. But right now, I think the more you push the more he pulls away.
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reader, anonymous, writes (21 January 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHelp me gyus!pls!!!
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reader, anonymous, writes (20 January 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you Cindy!
You are very right.
I have thought abt all this so many times.
The thing is that every time i decide to dissapear from his life,and not for him,but for me to stop hurting myself,
i always back off in the end.
We meet,we do things together,and i always hope that like this i can bring back the good moments we had,because right now all he thinks is all the arguying we had the last months.
We were both wrong,and i try all this time we are not together,to see what went wrong and to correct mistakes i did from my part.
But still...all i hear from him is that he wants to be single for the time because of the fights we had latelly.
He told me that he has feelings for me,but he doesnt want to go back to the arguments we had.
I tried to explain that we used to be very good together,and we can try and fix the problems we had.
He insists...to be for himself.
He lives with his parents because they are not from here,but in July his parents are going back to their country,so i was just thinking that maybe if i stay patient until that time,he will ask me to move in together and try to fix things.(As he will have to look for a house)
He is special for me,and i just wish things were different.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 January 2011): Thanks Cindy.
What you say is very true and i thought about it many times.
He told me the other day that he has feelings for me,and that im special for him,but he still wants to be alone because of all the fights we had latelly.
We were both wrong,and all im trying to do is correct the part which i was wrong,and to be there for him.
We go out,we speak every day etc,and i just hope that through that i will manage to bring our good moments back,because all he remembers now is the last fights we had.
I just wish he can believe in us like he used to.
But of course all this situation makes me very sad and depressed.
He tells me he wants to be single for now....
For now...is already 7 months.
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female
reader, CindyCares +, writes (20 January 2011):
I think that you won't like my advice and you are not ready to take it into account, but I'd say : back off. Disappear from his life ( yes, exactly what you are afraid to do ).
See it this way : you have got nothing to lose. He does not want to be with you at the moment, and he gives you just the crumbs of a relationship ( not what you want ) . So if he does not notice that you are gone off the radar and does not come back , you won't have a real relationship with him -exactly like you do not have it now.
Then again, the only thing that might make him reconsider and pay attention to your needs - it's if you stop catering to his.
The more you cling to him, the more you dig yourself into a hole. If ( IF ) he has any feelings left for you, - the way to bring them back is NOT to let him take you for granted.
Give him space, and let him miss you.
You are afraid that he won't miss you at all, I get it- and that's a possibility. But ,in this case, ask yourself , why do I want to cling nails and teeth to someone who does not care about me ?
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reader, anonymous, writes (20 January 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHey,thanks for your msg!
So what do you mean to change strategy?And how?
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female
reader, CindyCares +, writes (20 January 2011):
If you keep doing something ,and it does not bring the desired results,- maybe it's time to change strategy.
He has no motivation to change the situation, because in his mind there is nothing to "fix" and things work perfectly for him the way they are : you are still acting as a couple, but you are not. That means that he still gets his needs met, sexually and emotionally, but he has to make no effort for that or take no responsibility.
It takes two to fix a relationship, and in his mind, there's nothing broken - he has you exactly where he wants you !
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reader, anonymous, writes (20 January 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionAny more help??
Thank you guys!
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reader, anonymous, writes (19 January 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you all for your reply.
I just want to add sth which is very important.
The reason why he decided to end it was because latelly we had problems.
And not without a reason.
I love him,and the reason why i keep trying to fix things between us is because i really believe it is possible.
We still go out 2-3 times a week,and we act as a couple,with the only difference that we are not.
If it makes any sense...
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male
reader, CaringGuy +, writes (19 January 2011):
My advice still stands, really.
I am a man, and I have a girlfriend. I know that there is no way I'd dump her, so long as I love her.
When a man ends it, it's usually for keeps. The fact that he suggested you might get back together is meaningless. I had an ex who said that to me. It means nothing, and is usually a way of keeping someone around on a leash. That's all he's done to you.
I don't see this going further again, and the more time you waste on someone who isn't committed, the more time runs out for you
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reader, anonymous, writes (19 January 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionAny other advice???
Thaaaaaanks!
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reader, anonymous, writes (19 January 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionAny other advice???
Thaaaaaanks!
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female
reader, Nouvelle32  +, writes (19 January 2011):
This is just an example of what I am talking about.. ACTIONS SPEAK LOUDER THAN WORDS:
From me June 2009:
When can we talk to someone about getting pre-approved for the house?
Are you ignoring this because you don't want to do it or because you have doubts about us?
______
From Him June 2009:
no, I have no doubts ... it's just I want to save so much but in the last couple months I was not able to generate as much savings as I would like to have, but
this needs to change...I need you to control this as well....you know me, I'm a big-mouth and want to give you the world, even if I would brake my spine
don't let me brake my spine pls...if you know what I'm saying.
we can go and get pre-aproved
_______________
One year later, he couldn't hold up to his end of the bargain, so rather than propose and get a house like he said he wanted, he left. I never wanted him to leave... His problem, his decision... rather than try, he gave up.
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reader, Nouvelle32 +, writes (19 January 2011):
Yeah, my boyfriend didn't leave me for someone else either, he left me for his own selfish, self-serving reasons. You are going to do whatever it is that you want to do because you feel very deeply for him & obviously no one will be able to help you or offer you advice for that very reason alone.
As Caring Guy stated, you wasted six months on him and nothing has changed... what is it exactly that you want? For him to magically change his mind? It's not going to happen... not right now at least. He has things that he needs to work on within himself. You should read the book, "It's Called a Break-up Because it's Broken." There is something that is not working within this relationship and he has decided rather than to work on it, he would rather press the "easy button" and get out. You can't see that right now because you are so deep in it.. You won't get him back by begging, pleading or any other tactic you have employed thus far. You don't want to hear this, but the only way to possibly get him back, or not, is to cut contact completely & let him deal with his issues on his own. Time has a way of taking care of things. I totally agree with what caring guy has said.. men don't change because you want them to, they do it in their own time and for themselves & not because you want them to. I have witnessed this in my own life several times over. You have gotten some good advice here. I know that it's hard to accept, but this is reality. Trust me, I begged, pleaded... got on my hands and knees and hugged his leg crying as he walked out the door. It didn't change anything, he had already made his decision and my input didn't matter... I apologized for everything, even though I hadn't really done anything that wrong, he apologized for nothing. I'm not saying that this is you, every relationship is different, but what I am saying is that you say you have tried everything & nothing is working. It takes TWO in any relationship.. so obviously, you did wrong, he did wrong too, but he has given up on this relationship. The only thing you can do now is to move on with your own life without him. He's not giving you what you want, so give him his walking papers and if it's truly meant to be, then you can have another chance later when the dust clears. I am a firm believer in this saying because it IS TRUE: "If you love something, let it go and if it's meant to be it will come back to you. If it doesn't then it was never yours to begin with." There is SOOO much truth in this saying. Trust me, I KNOW how hard it is because I have been there.. I'm STILL there. From an outside perspective, he is using you for comfort and NOT giving you what you want.. If you have so little self-respect that you will continue to allow this to happen, then by all means, keep going with it.. but I think you came here seeking advice because you know in your heart of hearts that how he's behaving is not right, not treating you right... not fair to you.
And just food for thought... technically, you two are not exclusive right now, which means that he could give two shits if you find someone else... that's what he's saying.. "you aren't mine anymore, do what you want." I guarantee you that's what he's doing. I'm not saying this to be mean, but only that you will see the writing on the wall.. he does not care as much as you thought... if he did, he would be giving you what you want/treating you the way you deserve and be with you in a relationship. ACTIONS speak louder than words... a person can say something, but if there is no follow through, then what does that say?? I'm telling you, BACK AWAY and give him some space to sort out his crap. NO CONTACT... if not, you will lose him forever... which probably wouldn't be a loss since he can't' figure out his shit at 32 years old.
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reader, anonymous, writes (17 January 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionFirst of all thank you all for your time you spent to reply to me,and to help me understand some things.
The only thing i want to add is that my
b/f didnt leave me for another woman,or just like that, but because lately we had many fights,and he couldn't take it any more.
We both made mistakes,and it doesn't matter at this point who was more wrong or right,but we let this happen.
The mistake i did was to pressure him,more than i should, and he got further away, he started doing things i didn't like,as i mentioned last time, like going constantly out alone and getting drunk.
He told me he loves me but after what happened he needs time for himself right now, and maybe in the future we'll be together again.
So i just try to be his friend.
Unfortuantelly this has gone on for 6 months, and i see that nothing has changed, for us to be together again.
Sorry if i ve been too talkative but i feel i'm in a dead end, and i am very confused about everything.
I told him how sorry i felt about what happened, and that i take responsibility for my mistakes. That we should have another chance to fix things.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 January 2011): First of all thank you all for your time you spent to reply to me,and to help me understand some things.The only thing i want to add is that my b/f didnt leave me for another woman,or just like that, but because lately we had many fights,and he couldn't take it any more.We both made mistakes,and it doesn't matter at this point who was more wrong or right,but we let this happen.The mistake i did was to pressure him,more than i should, and he got further away, he started doing things i didn't like,as i mentioned last time, like going constantly out alone and getting drunk.He told me he loves me but after what happened he needs time for himself right now, and maybe in the future we'll be together again.So i just try to be his friend.Unfortuantelly this has gone on for 6 months, and i see that nothing has changed, for us to be together again.Sorry if i ve been too talkative but i feel i'm in a dead end, and i am very confused about everything.I told him how sorry i felt about what happened, and that i take responsibility for my mistakes. That we should have another chance to fix things.
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female
reader, Nouvelle32 +, writes (16 January 2011):
You write: "And also...since he wants to be alone,why does he constantly see me? From my point of you if you want to break up with someone, you dont keep in touch with that person and more important you dont do things together which you would do if you had a relationship..."
First of all I want to preface this by saying that I am sooo sorry to read/hear about what you are going through..I myself, was in your situation about 9 months ago (your exact situation actually)... and I think I have a pretty good idea about your question.. You see, your ex wants to have his cake and eat it too.. He enjoys the comfort of having you as his security blanket while he is allowed to have everything his way and not have the inconvenience of giving you the commitment you want and deserve after 3 years. Not only has he not proposed, but now you have been downgraded even further where you aren't even his girlfriend anymore. Trust me, if he wanted to be serious with you, he would. He would not be making excuses and he certainly wouldn't be stringing you along like he is right now. My ex strung me along like that until he got a new girlfriend. I was devastated because he was the love of my life I thought, and I allowed him to do that because I loved him so much and I thought anything was better than nothing... but honey, it's not. I regret giving him the opportunity to treat me like a whore while he went out and did whatever made HIM happy... He wasn't worried about my feelings at all... and yes, we too were VERY happy and in love for 2 years and talking marriage at one point. My advice to you if you want to save ANY kind of future relationship you could have with him (if that's what you want... but I wouldn't recommend it).. CUT CONTACT.. Don't talk to him at all and tell him that YOU have some things to figure out on YOUR OWN. Put the ball back in your court.. see, he doesn't respect you right now because you are probably so in love that it makes you weak and you are at his beck and call... you are holding his hand while he gets over you and lives his life the way he wants with no concern for how it affects you.. Hold your head up honey and give him a dose of his own medicine.. Start doing your own thing.. Smile, laugh, go out with your friends, have the time of your life.. post the photos on Facebook, but just don't include him in your life at all for a while... and see what happens. 1 of 2 things will happen.. either he will wake up and see what a moron he is and come running back begging or 2. he will walk away (in which case you will know that he's not worth it).. Don't you want someone who will fight for you?? I know it will be hard and I know it will suck,but in the end I think you will respect yourself more and he will too because you have put your foot down.
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reader, CaringGuy +, writes (16 January 2011):
Yes, but with the greatest of respect, so far all your point of view has gotten you is 6 months of wasted time.
He sees you as a friend. But you need to accept that as for commitment, it's not there. At all. You can try to rationalize his behaviour, but it just won't get you anywhere. It got you nowhere during the relationship, because he ultimately dumped you. It's getting you nowhere now.
Don't become yet another woman who can't see past the rose tinted glasses. If he loved you, he would have committed. but he's not committed, and at this rate you'll just wind up watching him as he moves on whilst you still waste more time.
I have seen this over, and over again, and every time I've sadly got it right.
Men are very simple. If we're interested, we'll run around and make it known. If we're not, we'll back away. He's backed away, and is purely using you as a friend.
Unless you can move on, you'll be the single one whilst he moves on and sees someone else. You're not understanding this man at all, and it's causing you to see things that aren't there.
If he loved you, he would be with you. He's not.
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reader, anonymous, writes (16 January 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI understand what you are saying but i just want to add that before we started the fights,he was showing me how serious he is for me,etc...
And also...since he wants to be alone,why does he constantly see me?
From my point of you if you want to break up with someone,
you dont keep in touch with that person and more important you dont do things together which you would do if you had a relationship.
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reader, CaringGuy +, writes (16 January 2011):
This is a very important lesson for you, and all women:
A man will not change for you. He will only change for himself.
Your relationship has proved this, and it's still proving it because you're not moving on. You were there waiting for more, whilst he was doing his own thing. Then he got stressed with his own life, and started to go out more - in other words he changed for his own lifestyle. Then, rather than commit to you, he ended it - in other words, he didn't change his mind for you, he just got rid of you.
The problem now is that you're playing into his hands! You're still seeing him as and when he pleases; you're still kissing; you're still trying to get him back.
His reaction? He wants to be alone.
Look, you've wasted 6 months on a man who DOES NOT WANT TO COMMIT - AT ALL. In capital letters because you're not listening to him.
He wasn't ready to commit, and somewhat cruelly strung you along. Finally he broke up with you - but you're still there believing that he's going to change. But he's not. He's made that clear.
You asked how can you bring him back? You can't - he doesn't want to come back, and he never wanted commitment.
You have wasted 6 months on him. 6 months, and all that's happened is he's got what he wanted.
Time to move on, or you'll be here in ten years alone an regretting having wasted time.
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