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female
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anonymous
writes:My bf has had sex with two of his ex gf's and I've never had sex at all, not even with him. He wants to have sex with me and I want to have it with him too but the fact that hes been with someon else before me unsettles me a lot. I don't like the idea of him sharing such a close moment with someone else before me. I would like my first time to be with someone else who is having their first time too, so we can both experience that first time moment together.I feel that the fact that hes had sex with his previous two gf's means he will have sex with people even if hes not that serious with them. I have always thought sex is best with someone you are commited to and who you have intentions to stay with for a long time. I think that maybe the only time I would consider having sex with him, would be if we were to move in together, get engaged or be married- something that shows I am more then just a gf he is having sex with. I don't know what to do. Should I just get over my feelings and have sex with him? Or not get over them and wait and see how our relationship progresses? I don't know if I can get over my beliefs about sex so easy though...
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (14 July 2007): Using sex as leverage is just low. If the guy wants to commit he should based on his love for you not on wanting to fuck you. And then women ask why is it that men see them as objects... well, next time try to think of yourself as a person.
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male
reader, nigelfuxwell  +, writes (13 July 2007):
 This is a tough one when you first look at it because EVERYONE has an opinion on sex. Some say that it’s meant to be shared only by two committed people, some say that it’s just sex and you can’t equate it with love. Some will tell you to hold on to your beliefs and don’t compromise, and some will say that you’re inexperienced, and you might want to test drive the car before you decide to buy it. I say that you have to follow your heart.I will say this too. You equate sex with love. That’s beautiful, and I understand that. I myself, was a virgin when I got married. Yes, you heard right (and I’m only 33, so we’re not talking about the 50’s or 60’s when Leave it to Beaver was still on TV. The first time I had sex, I was expecting it to be a momentous beautiful thing. In reality it was awkward, clumsy and neither one of us really had a clue what we were doing. That’s usually the case actually. The point is, we either overly romanticize sex, or we cheapen sex. There’s very little in between left. You have to understand how to separate your beliefs and feeling from reality in the sense that today, there are very few people over the age of 17 or 18 who haven’t had sex with someone already. Just because they have, doesn’t mean they don’t meet a certain moral standard. It means they had sex. Plain and simple. You can’t get into the pattern of gaging someone else’s moral worthiness by their history. The fact that you’re with him in spite of the knowledge that he’s not a virgin tells me that even you are aware of that fact.The other thing I have to say is – sex is not a game. It’s not a sport, or a recreation. It’s serious. It creates life ultimately, and it can take your life if you do it with the wrong person. It’s the most pleasurable and bonding event that two humans can ever share with one another, but it’s not like you’re going to be in a bed of roses surrounded by cherubs and singing birds. What I’m trying to say is you should never have sex until you are ready. And don’t try to put all these definitions on “ready”. Ready means just that. When you are comfortable, have the appropriate level of commitment, and you feel that the time is right, then do it. If you don’t want to have sex with this gentleman now, then don’t. Never feel pressured. If he loves you he’ll wait. It’ll be frustrating I’m sure, but that’s real. If he cuts and runs because you didn’t give him a little “somethin’ somethin’” as we say – then let him go. You don’t want to lose something as precious as your virginity to someone like that.Hope that helps…
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female
reader, penta +, writes (13 July 2007):
 There are a lot of variables here. Just because he's had sex before doesn't mean that he takes it lightly (either in general, or with you specifically). He could have felt very committed to the others but the relationships didn't work out. He could have taken it lightly with them, but now feels very committed to you. You need to know more about his feelings before you make any judgment.
Also, just because someone has sex with someone without being committed in the past, it DOES NOT mean that he would have sex with someone else when he's committed now. Don't go thinking he doesn't value you without a lot more information.
If you can't forgive him for his past then you shouldn't consider staying with him. He can't change his past and holding it over him isn't fair. If you really want your first time to be with a virgin, then you have to leave your BF and go find that person. If, on the other hand, you think he's the person you really want to be with, then you need to find a way to get over this.
BTW, you don't have to have sex with him right away. There's nothing wrong with waiting until you're sure that (1) he's the right one for you and (2) he's sure that you're the right one for him.
Good luck.
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female
reader, girlwhoneedshelp  +, writes (13 July 2007):
 I think this choice is totally up to you. It's understandable that you feel that such a precious moment should be shared between two people who are experiencing it for the first time but life isn't always as perfect as that. However, I was fortunate enough myself as my first time was also my partners first time and I can't imagine how I would have felt had he shared that special moment with someone else before me.Basically, I think you have to think what is important to you. You need to ask your other half exactly how he feels about you and where he sees your relationship going. If he answers with a very loose and unreliable answer, such as he thinks you are great just as you are now there isn't much hope for the committment you are searching for, however if he sees you married with children in the future then he obviously loves you and already has that committment for you inside himself.You could also ask him for a bit of lawful committment if you think it is necessary, but if he isn't ready for anything like that then I'm afraid you'll just have to hang on. Don't rush yourself, it's not something that should be rushed!
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