A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:My fiance is into porn like just about every other normal Joe out there. I have no problem with this. I have no problem with him viewing the occasional she-male porn either. I get that some guys just need to look at different things.However, unless I'm around to watch it with him, he watches nothing but she-male porn. I'm not sure if he's curious or what. Since his interest in it arose, our sex life has severely dwindled. There are more factors to this, one being his buddy moved in for 2 months, but that was in October. In that instance, we went from sex daily to maybe once a week. Maybe. Usually I had to cry about it first because it suddenly didn't seem to be what he was interested in anymore.After his buddy moved to his own apartment (not far from our own), we were still having problems (which more than likely interfered) but we worked on them. Our sex life did little to improve. If anything, sex got shorter (lasting 5 minutes usually). He kept spending a lot of his time with his buddy, until we started working through our problems. Then he started staying home more often. He doesn't ask for nor initiate sex. I do that. Half the time there's some reason he doesn't want to as well. His interest in she-male porn is an almost nightly thing (he works nights, comes home and watches some before crawling in to bed). He also recently got on a hooking-up site and registered all of his information (even that he was in a relationship) but listed himself as bisexual instead of straight. When I found this, he said he was registering for his buddy to get him some action, but everything is my fiance's information. Birth date, height, weight, hair/eye colors, etc. He and his buddy look nothing alike. His buddy's also not in a relationship. Shortly after he registered on this site, his buddy up and left. His buddy says the reason is because he freaked out after he and my fiance had sexual relations the night he up and left and it scared him. The two of them had been heavily drinking and walked home from a gas station about 5-7 minutes drive from our apartment. My fiance and his buddy were gone 2 hours, and my fiance got in to bed as a block of ice his whole body was so cold. According to his buddy, the two had the relations (did everything gay under the sun) after getting back to the buddy's apartment and my fiance froze himself again before getting into bed with me almost exactly 2 hours later. My fiance didn't get his normal defensive pissy like when he lies to me when I asked about that particular instance. However, he says he can't remember anything except getting out of the car at the gas station and then barely remembers crawling into bed with me. I would have no doubts in my mind about the events of that night except for him registering at the hook-up site as bisexual and making contact with at least one person along side the she-male porn obsession... mixed with the seemingly extreme disinterest in sex with me.I'm just wanting some help in figuring out how to approach all this with my fiance, and trying to help him understand that if that's his sexual orientation, I'm fine with it (long as he's faithful to me). I just want to have an open, honest relationship with him, but I'm not sure what to do about everything thrown at me in the past month.
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female
reader, Miamine  +, writes (16 January 2011):
 Sensible woman,and very understanding. Your right, sexual orientation doesn't matter that much as long as your partner is faithful. He sounds bi-curious (wondering if he could sleep with a man) but as long as he's faithful to you, he's a man in a hetro-sexual relationship.Damn... I trust the friend, it does sound like something happened, and your guy is turning himself inside out to understand it. That would explain the lack of sexual activity with you.I have no idea how you can talk about the issue. Most men (who are not pro-gay) are very uncomfortable with the idea of sex with another man, and will deny it, even if they have done it.If he's registering online as bi-sexual and looking for encounters it's not something you can safely ignore. All you can do is bring the subject up. Ask him to allow you to speak and tell him everything you know, everything that you have told us here.Make sure you also reinforce your support for him, but your wish to have a sexually fulfilling relationship with a man who is faithful. If pushed, ask his friend to come over and help you out with the conversation.It's important your partner feels accepted, for whatever he is. It is also important for him to know that bi-curious, does not force him to sleep with a man, or label himself in anyway. He has issues that he is sorting out, but he needs to look at how he is treating you and how you suffer at the moment.Sorry couldn't be of more help. Your problem is difficult. All you can do is tell him what you know and that you are worried about your relationship.
A
male
reader, turbine  +, writes (16 January 2011):
This is gross! She male porn is gross!! You should set up a trap for him. Show him that you are comfortable with all this and you actually like all this. He will soon start confiding in you about his problem - which is actually a 'problem', a 'disease'. When he does this and reveals his true self to you...just give a kick on his ass and leave him.
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A
female
reader, Gabrielle Stoker +, writes (6 January 2011):
 Ordinarily speaking, I'd be inclined to say 'It's a passing phase' and let it go. After all, liking shemale porn isn't unusual.
The issue here of course is that it seems to have gone a lot further than that. Dating sites, an alleged homosexual encounter...these are things that must have shaken your trust at a very fundamental level. If you're still with him it only goes to show that he's got no idea what he's got in you.
I suppose it's possible he has a side to his story as well. I don't know. Whatever it is, he doesn't seem to be able to be as honest with you as you deserve.
I'm not much of a marrying girl myself, but honesty is a cornerstone of any relationship, especially marraige.
I suggest you re-evaluate whether you should continue this engagement.
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A
female
reader, Abella +, writes (6 January 2011):
 Love should be beautiful. And you must really feel very very attached to your fiance. But the troubles you have faced recently, and the recent changes in your Fiance would be far far too much for most women.
When people we love change too much there is a need to stop, and think, and ask: ''Is this something I have to put up with?''
A fiance is usually someone very special. A person who shares values and attitudes with their fiance. An honorable fiance cares about their fiance enough not to put their fiance in danger.
How are you going to reconcile your wish that your fiance be faithful, when he has already flouted your trust by, listing himself on a dating site?
And while he is advertising his availabilty, do you think it will stop there? How is he going to react or respond if he is contact by a prospective new 'friend'?
And you are hoping for an honest open relationship. Which, in the absence of everything else, would be a reasonable goal. But your guy has already been unfaithful to you and abused your trust by having relations with another man. If your guy is planning to indiscriminately choose any availabe guy, when it suits his inclination, then he is at grave risk of contracting a sexually transmitted disease. And he will likely put you at risk of contracting the same STD.
He has chosen to adopt and reveal to you that his sexual orienation is bi-sexual, not exclusively hetrosexual. And he has a further fascination with SheMales. And therefore it is unlikely that he can remain faithful to you in the future if he continues to act on his impulse to pursue other relationships.
His preference for she-male porn might have started as curiosity. But may not stay that way.
You are at the cross roads.
One way will have you pleading with fiance to be faithful to you and pleading with him to demonstrate his love for you, exclusively. And your fiance is then likely to disappoint you.
The alternative is to accept that your fiance has changed before your eyes into a man who may not be willing to exclusively meet your needs in the future.
This will break your heart, even if you think you can adapt and forgive and put up with his behavior.
I know endings are sad.
But it pains me to think of the depths of your pain and the eventual sad decline of your relationship, if you stay with your fiance, and put up with his actions. It is likely his choices will become bolder and more depraved the longer he continues.
You don't need that. And you shoudn't have to put up with it.
It might be time to accept that your current relationship has run its course.
I suspect that the solution that will best support you, and allow you the chance to meet a guy who will be faithful, who will want to love you, will not expect you to put up with all you are dealing with now,is to break up with your fiance, and find a new guy.
There is no way I can sugar coat this advice, because your situation is so dire.
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