A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Good day everyone. I've met someone and loved him with my body and soul. His 47 and im 41. He has 3 kids and was never married. I have no kids.the guy has just told me that he doesn't need any kids. My problem is I'm so much inlobe with him but the thought of being told that I mustn't think of having a kid. When I complained to say but why. He was like I a grandfather to one of my daughter and if u need a child I will just donate. Since then I'm no longer into him cause I feel that it's not fair when he has kids and I'm not given a chance to have one of my own. My question is why is he so selfish. He says he loves me but to ask for a kid is something that is not in his mind. He has bought a flat and fully furnished it himself. I have my own place too. Like im very worried about this relationship. I don't know if I'm coming or going thats why I need some help to figure it out. Reply to this Question
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 September 2021): I think given your age , you need to do what you feel is what you want ..if you want a child ,go ahead and have the child ...if the relationship ends because you got pregnant ,then it ends but you have got ur baby ..In short sometimes you have to be abit selfish ...it’s life ...it’s your life ...ofcause there will be expenses to bring the baby in the world ..so you have to be ready ...Don’t give too much power to another person on things that you will regret once you turn 45 and are way past ur bearing years ..
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female
reader, Alwin +, writes (31 August 2021):
 He is not selfish, he simply doesnt want to have more children, since he's already been there and done that. Maybe he knows he's not a good father or simply thinks it's not the best course of action in this time of his life. I'll be honest if I were nearing 50 and already a grandmother I wouldn't want to go over the sleepless nights and finantial strain that a child brings, let alone the fact that it also changes the relationship. Anyway if I were you, at 41 I would do it myself alone because you don't have much time left and he clearly doesn't want that. If it's a deal breker to you, break up with him or talk to him about you having a child on your own and continuing together as bf gf in different houses with you being a single mother.
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female
reader, Flower89  +, writes (31 August 2021):
 I'll just say something from my point of view if I was with someone and they wanted a kid then it would be a deal breaker for me. I'm 32 and if my partner in his 40s now said he wanted a kid then wee would have to part. As I have a child who is almost ten, approaching almost teens now. I most certainly don't want to go back to prams, nappies and bottles, I have lived that stage.
That is how he also feels,I'm gussing. I'm sure when you met he had already told you that.
Having a child is great a blessing but it is also a lot of work, and a large expense for 21 years minimum it doesn't make him selfish, for being honest at his age and stage of life now to say no he doesn't want to do it again.
Why can't he enjoy life now that his children are grown and just enjoy being a grandfather as u said he is?
He has been honest and done nothing wrong here, it is you who needs to decide if u can be with him or not. It is not something you should or can change someone's mind on.
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A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious  +, writes (31 August 2021):
 As far as I can see, your situation is quite simple: you need to decide whether trying for a child is a deal-breaker for you or whether your boyfriend is more important to you than a hypothetical child. I use the word "hypothetical" because there is never any guarantee two people can produce a child together.
He is not being selfish; he is being practical and honest. As far as he is concerned, he has done his child rearing. He had 3 children many years ago. He does not want to start again with babies (and everything child rearing entails). Just as you are within your rights to WANT a baby, he is 100% within his rights to not want any more.
If this is a deal breaker for you, then you need to be honest and end the relationship before you grow to resent each other (which you appear to already be doing). Here's the thing though: you have a man you say you love so you need to decide whether you really love him or whether you just love him because you see him as a potential sperm donor/father. I am not saying you are wrong to want to have a child but, looking at it from the outside, you two are at very different stages of your life and, sadly, there is no compromise on a situation like this. It has to be one thing or the other. He has done his child producing and rearing, you haven't even started. You want a child, he doesn't want any more. One of you is not going to get what they want.
I have to be honest and say, if you decide to look elsewhere for someone who will be willing and able to have children with you, you may have a long - and possibly fruitless - search on your hands. Men in their 40s are usually either like your boyfriend, in that they have already had children and don't wish for any more, or they have intentionally never had children because they have never wanted any. They are unlikely to suddenly want to start having babies at their age if that is never something they have wanted.
Bottom line is, you need to decide what is more important to you: trying for a child (with no guarantees it will happen) or the man you profess to love. It's a straight choice and only one you can make.
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A
female
reader, Tinacandida +, writes (31 August 2021):
 I dont blame him for not wanting any more kids. Alot of people have kids at a younger age for a reason. Theres a few risks involved with women having babies over a certain age. I wouldnt try to push it with him, you could end up being a singke parent.
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reader, anonymous, writes (30 August 2021): If he's well into his 40's, I suppose he's considering his age. He has already informed you that he has three children already. I wouldn't consider him selfish if he has children. It is a considerable expense to bring a child into the world, and he has three children who's present support and futures he will be financially responsible for. Sometimes that is only until they are able to take care of themselves; and sometimes that's for the rest of his life. Your falling in-love with him doesn't obligate him to impregnate you. He's not necessarily being selfish, I think he's being prudent. You can always find somebody else.
I think he doesn't plan to have anymore children out of wedlock; or forced to be committed using a child as an anchor or tether. There are complications to be considered for pregnancies over the age of 40. Although, many won't let them hinder their desire to have children in their 40's. The problem with that is, if you have a child with special needs, and you're aging, who can you defer their care to? You may develop age-related illness that might require special-care too.
It also seems as if you were testing him. Maybe you wanted to see if he wants to marry you; so having a child comes-up before knowing how committed he is to this relationship. He's too old to fool; if that's what you're up to. If you're not, and it's purely your need to have a child of your own; he has a right not to want to have anymore children. Just as you have a right to find somebody else willing to father a child for you.
He has offered to be a donor; which means he will probably relinquish his paternal-rights, and take no financial responsibility. All that speaks for itself.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 August 2021): He could also accuse you of being selfish, in refusing to see his point of view and to accept that a mature man with 3 kids already does not need to carry the weight of raising a 4th one. Sure ,he puts his wants and needs before yours.But you do likewise , you try and put your wants and needs for motherwood before his. It's not even a matter of selfishness,IMO. Simply, some times alas people's paths are not aligned and just pooint in two widely different directions.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 August 2021): Hi
I can fully understand why your boyfriend does not want any more children at his age. He has been there and done that.
You basically have two choices. Stay and have no children yourself, (although I think this would be a great strain on your relationship, especially as you see him as being selfish) OR leave and find someone who DOES want children.
Your age is against you though if you decide you want to have children. To have children you need to be in a secure, relationship that has been established for some time. And by the time you find a relationship like this (IF you do) then I suspect you would have trouble conceiving at the age you would be then, anyway.
If having children is so important to you, then you need to establish, BEFORE falling for them body and soul, whether they are on the same page. Especially at your age.
You can't call someone selfish for not wanting to uproot their whole way of life to please you. In my opinion, that is YOU being selfish. Not him. He sounds as if he is being perfectly reasonable.
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