A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:My daughters father was brought up in an insane household.. honestly his mother believes in all types of religions and his father would cheat. when i found out that i was pregnant with my daughter he left and started dating numerous other girls. i guess he felt bad because half way through the pregnancy he came back saying that he was sorry and wanted to so badly to be there, the only problem was that shortly after we had our child he hit me several times on several different occasions. the last time i called the police on him and hes been in jail since, the only problem is that hes getting out soon and i want him to be apart of our daughter life, only because my father wasn't apart of mine, what should i do?
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female
reader, taina1980 +, writes (12 September 2009):
girl what ever hes feeding you now is called jail talk. hes in jail bored an feeling vulnerable.. when he gets out you will see what imean he will get back in his routine and wont be even thinking about you & your girl. leave him alone. not to mention he will hold a lot off anger & resentment towards you. you will see.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (12 September 2009): I agree with Dr. Psych. You live what you learn and he had terrible role models, that is not an excuse for his behavior or a justification for you making excuses for him. Your child comes first, she would be better off without this abuser in her life....don't make her pay for your dad not being in your life, she needs a better story than this one. Take care.
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A
female
reader, DrPsych  +, writes (12 September 2009):
 Sometimes the questions on this board are just staggering...I do not understand why any mother would want their child to be around someone capable of violence. He is in jail because he assaulted you and when your child throws a tantrum there is every chance he will hurt her too. His family background is not an excuse for his behaviour and a jail term will not correct his behaviour - it may make him worse unless he receives specific anger management treatment aimed at domestic violence perpetrators. If you invite him back into your life, you invite more violence and then your daughter grows up thinking it is ok to accept abuse in a relationship, putting her at risk in her own adult life. If he must see the child then it should be supervised visitation arranged through family court. There are many reasons here to believe he poses a child protection risk. As for your relationship with him, I wonder how bad you must feel about yourself to settle for a life of being cheated on and disrespected and physically abused just to have a 'father' for your child. He was a sperm donor and nothing else - single parenthood can be tough but you have got to stand up for your child and her right to a peaceful happy childhood.
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A
female
reader, sunnycomet  +, writes (11 September 2009):
 I agree with softtouchmale2003, bringing this man into your daughter's life is very dangerous.
He hit you while you were pregnant. How do you know if he will do it again? What if he hits you in front of your daughter or worst hits your daughter? Her safety comes first and until he proves that he changed and had professional help you need to keep him away from you and your daughter.
Good Luck!
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A
male
reader, softtouchmale2003 +, writes (11 September 2009):
 I'm not sure how to break this to you. But your daughter's father is an abuser and the problem with that is its not healthy to have someone like that around you and the child.
The only thing I can recommend is that he needs to get into some sort of counseling to control his anger, and make sure he doesn't do this again. Until you can trust him, having him around his daughter and you seems dangerous quite frankly.
The fact of the matter is, your insecurities about your relationship with your father have to take a back seat to the safety and well-being of your daughter and yourself.
Having the wrong person enter into your lives, despite his being the biological father, can lead to tragic results.
Abusers are not easily changed and they have to want to change themselves first. Obviously, in order to do what you want, you need to be certain that he's more in control of his anger and violence. If not he could become worse over time.
I can't speak to his parents. Obviously he learned a great deal of his behavior from them. The fact that their dysfunctional should be a huge red flag at this point. It only portends the future with him.
You may have to do this through court-supervised visitation and child support services. You should hire a lawyer and get that arranged somehow. Its important for you and your daughter.
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