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male
age
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anonymous
writes:OK, so I have made a complete mess of my relationship with a woman I have been 'cohabitating' with for 23 years... I have made a complete mess with our finances (I would say mainly due to my selfishness but there are other issues involved like raising the 3 kids of hers and 1 of ours) AND I covered it up. When she found out, she was livid of course. I was expecting to be kicked out onto the street but, to my surprise she did not do that. She made it known when she found out that she does not want to even touch me anymore so it has been more than a year now that we have not been intimate. We have literally stopped having any serious conversations and only engage in casual small talk or discuss mutual hobbies. I am struggling very hard with this and feel that even after the finance part is resolved that our relationship is done. My real need right now is to decide if I will look for someone else to have an intimate encounter (basically cheat, which I have not done so far). I will probably want to move out anyway when I can afford it and we are close to or done with resolving the finance issue. Should I cheat now? Should I ask her what our relationship will be like after finances are resolved? Should I move out now and then it won't be cheating? Do I sound like I need any professional counsel? Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (25 September 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionOK it's been awhile.......... thanks for your responses..... not sure it would help right now.......... I haven't done anything yet. Counseling is supposed to do what? make one of us change our mind or point of view? Pinktopaz. I know what she is thinking; it's that I need to fix the problem because I made the problem. I'm pretty sure that I want to break up no matter what. If I stay and fix the problem and she still doesn't want to touch me, I don't want that... if she does want to touch me... then I feel blackmailed (actually, that's the way I feel now)... The thing we need to talk about is money and that is what I don't want to talk about anymore because we have differing opinions about money management that hasn't be resolved for 23 years and probably never will. It's a waste of my time at this point. I haven't really been happy in this relationship for a long time anyway. we have never had a joint account to pool money for essentials. She has always had someone take care of sorting her mail and bills and make sure she gets her payments returned on time. Eventually all of her friends and family members that she had doing that moved farther away. She then asked me and I put up a fight that I didn't want to do it. I could not convince her that I was not the person to do it. To this day I believe it was a big mistake for me to give in. Ginalolabridga, I probably would prefer financial counsel and not marriage counsel. We are co habitating... no ceremony... no license.. Softtouchmale2003, I feel ya! ... she doesn't trust me and made that very clear. It's OK with me because I don't require much trust in return. I am much more open minded than her and I probaly should have realized that I should never have made another attempt at a monogamous relationship... all previous attempts have ended badly.
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reader, pinktopaz +, writes (12 September 2009):
The first thing you need to do is have an actual conversation with her. By what you've said...small talk and no intimacy, you two don't really have a relationship. I know that "technically" you do, but two people in a relationship don't just talk about little things here and there and have no sex. So I think you need to talk to her about the situation, let her know you're doing what you can to fix what you've screwed up, and you would like to know where things stand now and in the future; find out what she is thinking.
Once you know, then you can go from there. You're not going to know if you need to move on unless you talk to her. As far as cheating goes--don't do it. I know we all have our needs and a year is quite a long time, but she'll resent you even more if she finds out.
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A
male
reader, softtouchmale2003 +, writes (12 September 2009):
 This does not sound very good. I'm guessing that she believes the money is worth more than the love.
Its very hard to advise under these circumstances because we don't know the actual reason why she won't touch you. But one thing you can do with her is simply ask her why she continues to punish you.
Its obvious that you've been trying to resolve the money issue. You've been there for all the kids. For all intents and purposes, you're a family.
So I think you just need to ask her, in the most loving way, why she's doing this.
If she can't explain it properly and she can't tell you what it is that you can do to get her back in your good graces, then ask her if she'd be hurt if you just simply walked out and found another woman to be with.
She's intentionally ignoring and neglecting you. It may simply be she's fallen out of love and she no longer views you as the love in her life.
If she's over you at this point, then she's going to have to say it out loud and let you move on now.
If she's not over you, then maybe you two have a chance. But a year of no physical contact seems to be harsh considering you're doing what you can to make things right.
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