A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I'm 31 and my girlfriend is 20. She is my life and I love her so much and i'd do anything for her. We are together 1year and half . Last night alot of things she told me about a guy who groomed her at 12 years to 14 and i cant get it out of my head. When we first started dating she didnt tell me about this until 2 months later when we got really close. She used to go to the pub at the weekends with her parents and She told me how he this guy in his 50s told her she was beautiful and rubbed her leg and texted her kissed her on the cheek and at 13 he told her 'we are so close yet so far apart' 'I love you' and 'we can discuss sex later' At the time she was a child and he made her feel special she didnt realise he was a creep . It was only until he asked her to meet him in a field close to home to have sex at 13 years of age was when she got scared.When she didnt bar for weeks he drove to her home and told her parents his car broke down but told her he lied and just came to see her. A night when i was drunk i told her sisters about it and at the time they were concerned and listened and couldn't believe this man who was a good friend of theirs would do this( her sisters are alot older than her. Before she met me at 18 she met him in a local bar for the first time in 5 years and he came onto her telling her to meet him she said no shes not interested and his reply was 'you are older now' however a year on we discovered her older sister invited this guy to her 40th. I told her i will protect her and not let him speak a word to her however last night she told me for the first time how at 13 he put his hand down her pants and felt her bum. Since then im raging and dont know what to do she has warned me no to tell anyone or our trust is gone as she was mad last time when i told her sisters. she is my girl and as her boyfriend she is my life and i care so much for her and just want to deck this guy but she wont let me as shes scared and plus shes very low self esteem. She dosent realise this man has to be jailed and what he did was sick. Should i go behind her back or what?
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female
reader, auntieJ  +, writes (1 June 2014):
 This is not YOUR issue to deal with it is your girlfriend & if you continue to go around telling people her business you might find that pretty soon you won't have a girlfriend!
She has obviously had lots of time to think about this over the years & has learned to cope with it.
It's only natural to want vengeance for the ones you love but this isn't up to you.
She trusted you to keep this secret for her & you've broken her trust.
The best thing you can do is stand by her & support her in however she wants to deal with the situation,if she wants it left well alone you HAVE to respect that!
Going in all guns blazing,filled with rage wont help anyone,no good will come of it.
This isn't some trivial scenario when you can be the knight in shinning by throwing punches & acting matcho.
You just have to be there to listen,support & comfort her.
Even if you don't think she is right in what she is doing it's her life & she must deal with it however she feels appropriate.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (1 June 2014): OP why would you disrespect her and her wishes to satisfy some kind of sick need you have for justice no matter what the cost to her.
She was a fool to tell this because you're not trustworthy enough to keep it to yourself.
You already told other people last time and now you're telling strangers on the internet, yet again going behind her back.
What's more important to you, protecting her and your relationship with her or punishing this guy?
My guess is you're going to get a little tipsy at this gathering and make a show of yourself and her about this whole thing.
OP she's grown up having to deal with this, you're in your 30's and can't seem to handle it at all.
You don't care about her in this, you only care that you feel like some kind of hero or good guy, but you're not because you're not respecting her and you're going to break her trust too.
This is not your problem, OP, it's hers. She gets to choose how this is dealt with not you, so respect her decision or you're the same as this guy. An older guy who thinks he can do what he likes with her without respecting what she wants.
What he did was sick, it was disgusting but so is going breaking her trust and trying to force her to deal with this the way you want her to. What makes you any different than this guy then, OP? Just another controlling older guy who wants her to do what he tells her to. If not, then respect her wishes, help her deal with this any way she feels comfortable with and respect her by not being a loud mouth again or throwing a few punches.
A guy who wants to protect a woman doesn't do so without her permission when she expressly tells him not to.
If you can't handle this like a man and put her wishes first then you're better off walking away and let her find someone who can be more mature about this whole thing.
I had an ex who was gang raped, I wanted to knock out any guy who went too far in flirting with her but she would have hated that and so I respected her wishes. If you can't respect this woman you say you love, then let her find a man who can.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (1 June 2014):
 I don't blame you for wanting to punish a guy who hurt a loved one. Not at all.
But you should NOT have been the one to tell the sister or the rest of the family. IT should have been HER choice to tell them or not. YOU need to trust that THIS is HER secret to keep or share NOT YOURS. The fact that she CHOSE to share it with you is a BIG deal, huge even, and what did you do? YOU passed on the info. BIG no, no. And a big breach of trust.
UNTIL SHE is ready to talk openly about it, nothing will come off it. Chances that he will get jail time is even minuscule. He has possibly done thins before and can do it again and I WISH every country had stronger punishments for men like this. EVEN if she step forward and tells her story, he might not be punished.
HELP her DEAL with what happened. IF you really what to HELP your GF, find a counselor that she can talk this out about.
What you are doing right now is actually punishing HER for not stepping forward. All that rage of your toward the old creep she FEELS is HER FAULT and the more you lash out and tell others about it the more she will retreat.
As for her sister's 40's - it's up to your sister if she wants to go or not. If she DOES be there and support her. And support her means, NO DRAMA. OR if she doesn't WANT to go, support her too.
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A
male
reader, no nonsense Aidan +, writes (1 June 2014):
You’re sounding like a man with a saviour complex: the knight in shining armour protecting her from the bad man who did a terrible thing when she was a child. She is not a child anymore, she’s a grown woman. She recognises that it was wrong and it was abuse, she needs to deal with it in her own way and at her own pace. How could you go behind her back? IF you reported it, the case would have absolutely no credibility at all unless she herself verified that the alleged abuse took place. This isn’t something you can do, or sort out, for her. If you really want to be there for her, be honest with her. Tell her it makes you angry that he did that to her, but tell her that you will support her whatever she wants to do. Tell her how much she means to you and all the things you like about her, and help build her confidence that way. You can’t magically undo the injustices of her past, or paper over the scars that past has left. Act like a saviour and she’ll end up resenting you too. Fail to support her coping strategy, even if it wouldn’t be what you want, and she’ll see you as some-one she can’t count on. If she wants to forget and move on, that’s her right.
Direct your focus, and hers, on your future together. Frankly, when you got drunk and violated her privacy by blurting her secret out to her sisters, you were out of line, immature and irresponsible. You’re lucky she still wants to know you at all. Follow this advise and you’ll be a better boyfriend in future.
I wish you all the very best.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 June 2014): Please don't go behind her back. She's an adult now and needs to make her own decisions about she how she handles the aftermath of her abuse - even if you (or anyone else) thinks she should do it differently.
Making police statements etc can cause the victim to have to relive the abuse which your g/f simply ready to do yet.
Your anger is understandable and justifiable but it's YOUR emotion. Don't let it get in the way of how best to support her.
When she was being abused
A) Her trust was betrayed (because she should have been able to trust a family friend)
B) She felt out of control because someone older and more experienced was calling the shots without considering her.
If you go behind her back and take deal with matters the way you want - she will be experiencing A & B all over again. Don't do it
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 June 2014): Do not tell anyone. She has confided in you, and you are trusted with HER secret. You will likely loose her if you betray her trust. Do not go behind her back.
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A
female
reader, franny1297 +, writes (1 June 2014):
 Firstly, I am so sorry for girlfriend, I would be fuming if this happened to someone I love. Do not go behind her back. Ever! this will break your trust with her, and the outcome will be horrible. Remember, it is her life, her decisions. You can discuss this with her ONCE only, if she refuses to cooperate then she prefers to leave the situation as it is. Perhaps, she feels hurt from it and does not want anything to do with it as long as she is fine now. As much as you want to 'deck' this guy's ass (I would want to too) you can't, unless you have her permission with proof. She is most likely trying to put this event behind herself as the past and forget about it.By the way you express yourself, you seem to love her a lot, So my suggestion is to take my advice, be the best boyfriend you can be, show her what true love is, not just by saying it but by showing it. Take her out to dinner every month or so, make time for her, show her your affection, make her feel safe by showing her your there for her. This is essential If she wants to move on, you must too. But if she is bringing this up now, it has affected her and it still is, she probably feels like it is too late and what people might think of her, how many people might find out if she wants to take action. Take a closer look at what he said to her when she was 13 and when she was 18. By saying 'your older now' and not doing anything to her is because he realised that she could stand up for herself now, she is an adult with more wisdom than when she was 13, he can't take advantage of her now, but he did when she was vulnerable and impressionable. There Is nothing you can do to reverse this. He is not a man, but a pig! a paedophile, he did this to your girlfriend when she was very young, barely even a teenager. If he has stopped molesting her now because she is an adult, that DOES make him a paedophile pervert. How many more girls could he molesting? Tell your girlfriend this, tell her how people like this should be jailed, just advice her.At the 40th give him 'the look' like you KNOW he is guilty, what he has done, make him feel like a sick pervert, because that's what he is, by doing this your not doing anything wrong, your just warning him. Show him who is man (you)stay with your girlfriend, you don't have to stay by her side all the time, just be alert and watchful, she's an adult. Please, try not to let this overrun your relationship, her life needs to be filled with happiness.She told you he molested her this way because deep down she wants something to be done but she is scared. Try not to react too much. If she wants to speak, listen to her. Don't get in arguments, be an amazing boyfriend (I'm sure you are already), and if she refuses to cooperate don't purse it. I have nothing much to say about this anymore, but I just hope for the best, this gets resolved somehow, and that your girlfriend may always feel safe and happy. Best of luck with your relationship and decision. x14 year old girl, parents getting divorce due to lack of communication, cooperation and commitment.
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A
male
reader, Mark1978 +, writes (1 June 2014):
 Being abused in any capacity has a real stigma attached to it sadly, and for a victim to admit publically that they have been abused takes tremendous strength of character and is a massive leap of faith. The last thing she needs and wants is for her status as an abuse victim to be shouted from the rooftops. Don't tell anyone against her wishes as it will possibly destroy her. If her self esteem is low now, and who can blame her for that, it will be a lot worse if she feels she has to face others when they have the knowledge that she is a victim of grooming.
I know you are angry and want to kill this guy, but these situations can be very, very complicated. I agree that this depraved, evil man should be locked up, but it is not that simple.
I have to say that for you to get drunk and tell her sisters was a massive error of judgement on your part. She trusted you with the information so personal, so intimate, so difficult to even think about, and you blab after drinking?!
If, for example, you told the police about this your GFs abuser she would probably deny it ever happened because she is ashamed, feels low self worth and is probably in denial. She is still young, barley an adult and has been through a lot. To even acknowledge or talk about her abuse is so, so hard, let alone tell a stranger.
If it went to court she would be put through absolute hell!!! She would be cross questioned, asked to give very intimate, very detailed accounts of everything that happened and provide times and dates. She would be forced to go through every detail, and also defend her own actions. Here in the UK there have been dozens of high profile tv stars accused of grooming or abusing young children, some have been proven innocent, others have been jailed. But in each case, and this is the same for ALL court cases involving child sex offences, the trials dragged on and on.
You GF fully understands this guys actions were sick and depraved, she knows he is a danger to others, but she is in denial and is trying hard to block it out. She needs support, she needs love, what she doesn't need is you being angry, getting drunk and telling others, or being reminded of it.
I can appreciate your rage at this mans dreadful behaviour and for what he has done to your girlfriend, but unless she is happy for you to support her in pressing charges and happy for you to tell others, you need to respect her wishes.
Mark
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