A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I've been in a 3 year long distance relationship with my boyfriend.I'll admit I've been wrong in never disclosing to him that I've been married, divorced, and have two teenage children. I'm also 42 yrs old while he's only 33 yrs old.I've traveled to where he lives numerous times and met all his friends and family. He's only come to visit me a couple of times and only met my mom. This is because I don't have any close relatives or friends. It's only my two children and I.I've never told him about my children because I wanted to be sure he is THE ONE before revealing this and introducing them. Finally after 3 years I feel that him and I can have a future. I love him and I know deep down he loves me so much too.I've told him everything now.. it's his decision whether he wants to accept it. He already says he thinks it's hard to accept and worried about how his family and friends are going to feel.Do you think he will stay and accept me or leave?
View related questions:
divorce, long distance Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (9 May 2017):
 So did he forgive you?
A
female
reader, Andie's Thoughts  +, writes (20 April 2017):
 He's only just found out about your kids, so you were hiding them.
If things work out, you can get him a job at your company, but you should not have him move in so soon.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 April 2017): I'm the OP here - I'm not hiding the kids nor am I resentful of them. He knows the kids are very much a part of my life as he accompanies me to go pick them up after school everyday. He also knows I take them out a lot, because him and I talk on the phone while I'm out with the kids.
Any how, update - he msg'd and called me back. We are working on him coming to visit me in the next week or so and staying here for a while to see how things work out. If it works out, I can get him a job at my company and he can live with my kids and I.
...............................
A
female
reader, aunt honesty +, writes (19 April 2017):
OP your children have not been the reason you have not lived your life for 16 years so please do not blame them. I know plenty off single mothers who go on dates, the difference is from date one the admit they have children and let the guy know that she is a package deal. Three years lying to someone is just not acceptable. Someone who you are in a relationship with. If I was in a long distant relationship and had children not only would I tell him but I would share stories about them. It really does amaze me how you could go through a three year relationship without mentioning any off your children. It almost sounds like you resent them. I wouldn't blame him if he cannot see past this, as it is not about loving you or not, but it is about honesty and lies, which is a huge part off a relationship. It is just such a shame you have felt the need to string someone along for three years.
...............................
A
female
reader, celtic_tiger +, writes (18 April 2017):
 Wow OP, you sound very bitter about being a parent, and quite resentful of your children.
I am 33 - the same age as your boyfriend and if a man I was dating for 3 years turned round and said he was 42, and had two adult children I would be horrified.
There would be no going back from such huge massive lies.
As much as anything because his previous life, his children obviously meant very little to him. But also that in reality we would be in very different life-stages. He had been there done that, got all the tshirts and milestones. Marriage, children etc etc etc.
I think it says a lot that you are happy to airbrush them out of your life, and makes me wonder if you are resentful of them, spoiling your life?
...............................
A
female
reader, Andie's Thoughts +, writes (17 April 2017):
I understand a fake name or a text least a nickname, as not to be searchable by people you know, but there was no need for a fake age or bio.I know you work very hard for your family, but you chose to have children and that's why dedicating 16 years to it was also your choice.I hope you do more things for yourself, but you need to stop explaining why.Him not meeting your kids until a year or so into the relationship is totally understandable and even wise, but not telling someone you *have* kids is not acceptable after you start dating. If you're just flirting, it's fine not to say so unless they ask, but once you decide to meet or start dating, then you tell them.Please use this as a lesson for what you can and can't do in future, whether he stays or you find someone else. You are allowed to be selfish and should be treated like a girlfriend, even when they know you're a mum, but you should not lie - you'd be horrified is someone did that to your child.Don't beat yourself up about it any more, but also stop saying "there's no excuse", then trying to explain why.
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (17 April 2017): I'm sorry OP, but I think you're missing the point.It doesn't matter why you did what you did, or whether or not he loves you. From his perspective you've lied to him about some pretty major things. Your dating profile gave the wrong age, name and bio. You presumably have either dodged or lied when it came to the big relationship questions like, do you see yourself getting married, do you want children?He's going to be sitting there wondering if anything you've ever told him is true. His family and friends are going to be telling him to run away/ It isn't that you subtracted a couple of years off your age and didn't admit to dying your hair. You have misled him about being previously married, having grown up children and about a decade in age. If it was me, I'd be angry about having wasted 3 years of my life before someone that O thought cared about me, finally told me the truth. Not to mention that your children and family apparently already know that you've kept him in the dark!I'd learn from this and be honest in the future, even if he does decide to try again, I'd recommend that you walk away.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 April 2017): I'm the OP here. I am fully aware that he should run from a liar like me, but I hope he doesn't. There is no excuse or valid reason for what I've done to hurt him. But Yes, I have my reasons... my selfish reasons for what I did. I never had a loving relationship, and dedicated 16 years of my life to caring for my children. I'm the one that wakes up at 6am to cook a fresh lunch for my children every day; I'm the one taking them to school and picking them up; I'm the one volunteering at school; I'm the one driving them from place to place; I'm the one planning parties; I'm also the one who works one or sometimes two jobs to support them. I've given up my life for 16 yrs. We met on a chat site and I had a fake name, age and bio on that site. We met and chatted and clicked. It was my personality and way of seeing things and energy that he was attracted to. He came to visit me one month after we met online. I thought it was too soon to tell him. But I did tell my family and children. I told them my plan was to see if things worked out and if after a year or two we were still together, I will tell him. I know I waited too long. Selfishly I wanted part of my life back. I wanted to be with someone who loves me and treats me like a girlfriend. I wanted something just for myself. I wish I had the chance to go back in time and tell him sooner, but I can't. So I chose to tell him now, at least I am able to correct my mistake. Because I am positive I want to be with him and the first step to our future together is to come clean. It is up to him now whether he wants to forgive my lies and accept my baggage or not.I know I've lied continuously. He may think he doesn't know me anymore. But, I know he knows the real me from our times together, my reactions - deep down he knows me from our interactions and being together with me. That is not fake - it's real. That person is the person he fell in love with... the stories about who is in my life and their relationship to me has nothing to do with me and him. I hope he realizes that.
...............................
A
female
reader, Caring Aunty A  +, writes (16 April 2017):
 I understand your nondisclosure impart (lying as others have mentioned), but LRD or not everyone has a history, previous life and present existence... yet from what I gather he did not think to ask you these basic relationship questions either, if you were married before, had any children, do you want children, how is it you’re living alone or anything important that would tell him a bit more about you to secure his ongoing intentions? Even if you severely changed the subject on him from asking, a (warning) bell would have rung in his ears.
Now he’s in shock or surprise, worried about how his family and friends are going to feel about him having dated long distance a single mother of 2. It’s strange his family and friends were not curious to know a bit more about you too...
The whole LDR setup sounds bizarre, with huge unnecessary secrets as though you had something to fear or hide? I can’t think how you’re going to introduce the teenagers to this BF when he’s effectively a complete stranger to them!? Or were your Teens kept up to date of your outings and visits?
One thing’s for sure, the truth sets you free, although the weight of all this secrecy has lifted off your shoulders, it’s been placed elsewhere onto your BF and created a mess, maybe even misgivings :( I have no crystal ball what he’s going to do, but he will definitely be processing this confusing secretive revelation.
...............................
A
female
reader, Andie's Thoughts +, writes (16 April 2017):
You've lied about half of your life. He shouldn't stay.
You made a choice to lie and you should have told him within 6 months, not 36.
Personally, I think you shouldn't let him stay. He probably can't trust you after this, even if he thinks he can and you need to start a relationship with truth, not spend the first 3 years in lies.
...............................
A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (16 April 2017):
 I don't know if he will stay or leave, but if he leaves IMO he would be fully justified.
I don't think at all that " if he really loves you he will come around , and if he does not , then it means that he does not love you enough ". This is the old " love conquers all ", which , 1) it's not true, it's being constantly disproved by real life, in which people DO have delbreakers and they enforce them 2 ) it SHOULD not be this way- love should not come before self respect and personal dignity.
By the same token, he could say that if you really loved him you would have told him the truth and not presented him a doctored version of your life and yourself.
OP, the problem is not that you have 2 kids, that's surely not unusual and not a crime, the problem is that you have lied to him,( by omission ) and pilled the wool over his eyes for 3 years ; and lied about maybe the most important, relevant information you could give about yourself ! That's not a little white lie, said out of vanity, like shaving a few pounds from your real weight. This is totally misrepresenting yourself in order to appear baggage free, so more likely to " catch " a younger, baggage free partner. That's a huge baot- and- awitch, and the fact that you have waited 3 years !! to tell him the truth makes it look like you have purposedly waited until he was " cooked " to perfection, in order to make it harder and more painful for him to opt for a break up. Maybe you did not mean it that way, but that's how it looks, and , if this is not a giant example of manipulative and deceitful behaviour, then I would not know what to show as one .
How will he be able to trust you now ? and trust you about serious ,vital stuff, ? again I don't mean white lies like ,say, that you already brought back the books to the library, when you haven't yet.
It is possible, sure , that he is so madly in love that he decides to forgive you and carry on as before, and I wish you that it may end up this way. But if he does not, - don't be surprised and don't be upset - lots of people think ( and rightly so ,IMO ) that " love " does not justify letting your partner making a total fool of you.
...............................
A
male
reader, no nonsense Aidan +, writes (16 April 2017):
I’m not convinced that his major concern is what his friends and family think. I think he doesn’t know what he thinks and how he feels, and how can you blame him? You say that you wanted to “be sure he is the one.” That’s fair enough, but how did you seriously think you were going to find that reassurance when you were hiding who you really are right from the start? You have lied to him for 3 years.
Of course I completely understand your need to feel certain before introducing him to your children, but there’s a big difference between waiting a while before introducing your partner and children, and not even telling him that you’re a mother at all. Your parental status is something he had a right to know from the start, so he could choose whether he wanted to pursue a relationship with you or not. You don’t just have kids; when you’re a parent that becomes part of your identity and the fabric of what makes you you. It’s really hard to see why too: as a single parent, it would have been a lot easier if he’d told you that he didn’t want a relationship because of the kids 3 years ago, before you emotionally invested in this relationship. I think you thought that you could make him fall for you and reach a point where you felt sure that he was so in love that he wouldn’t leave, but I’m afraid trapping people just doesn’t work.
You have totally misled this guy and the previous posters are right: he’ll probably always be wondering now what else you might be lying about. You say you’ve revealed everything and maybe you have. But you let him carry on with the impression that you’d revealed everything 3 years ago.
I think you will be incredibly lucky if he forgives you, and even if he does, time alone will tell whether you’ve irreparably damaged the trust that is so vital for a relationship. If he posted on this site I would be telling him to leave you. You really must learn from this.
I’m afraid that uncertainty is something you have to live with as a consequence of your lies.
I wish you all the very best.
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (16 April 2017): In all honesty it is up to him now to accept the new you or refuse it. You can't blame him if he refuses. Also in my opinion the age diffrence is also crucial at this stage of your lives. I think if this relationship falls through you should accept it and let be a lesson to be honest the next time.
...............................
A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious +, writes (16 April 2017):
 While I understand you wanting to keep your children away from him until you were more sure of the relationship, not even admitting to them was (in my opinion) out of order. It was a LIE. Your children are part and parcel of any relationships you will have in the future and should not be kept secret - especially for 3 years. I find it unbelievable that you thought that was ok.
For 3 years, your boyfriend believed you were something you were not, because you kept information from him. Can you imagine how YOU would feel if HE had turned round and suddenly told you he had a couple of kids he hadn't bothered mentioning? In his shoes I would be more concerned about the lie than the existence of the kids.
He has suddenly had a whole family dumped on him. This is not something he had any say in earlier on in the relationship. Had he known about them earlier, he could have made the decision for himself whether he wanted to take on a ready made family. Some men are ok with this, some are not. It is an individual choice. However, it is not a choice he was ALLOWED to make for himself because YOU took that choice away from him. That was deceitful to the extreme. I am pretty sure his family and friends will feel the same.
Obviously we have no idea whether he will forgive you for this huge deceit and try to work past the lies, or whether it will mean the end of the relationship. If he is truly worried about what his family and friends will think, then he still sounds rather immature, or he is using that as an excuse to end the relationship. If I were in his shoes, I would run a mile and not look back, because I would be worried about what else you had not bothered telling me.
I am sure this is not what you wanted to hear, but did you really think it was ok to deceive him for 3 years?
...............................
A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (16 April 2017):
 There is no excuse whatsoever for catfishing a guy for 3 years. You lied about who you were, you hid your age and you hid that you're a single mom for 3 years and had been married and divorced. Your "reason" is also a lie. You withheld your age and parental status from him because you didn't want these things to be dealbreakers for him, which they very well could have been. Waiting until someone is "THE ONE" is fine when it comes to having a guy MEET your children, but disavowing either by outright lying OR by silently misleading by not offering that most crucial of information has no defense whatsoever.
I disagree with matimoo. You lied about who you were. The person he thinks he is in love with doesn't exist, because that person is a fiction you invented. He is under no obligation to accept the "real" you, because the real you is a liar, and a catfish for 3 years. What will your teenage kids say when they find out that you hid their existence for years from this guy for 3 years??
You'll have less of a selection of guys to date because you're a single mom, but that's no excuse to start lying about who you are, how old you are, the fact that you used to be married, etc. That's like lying on a job application. No matter if it's year 10 with the company, once they found out that you lied on a job application about education, or past employment, or anything, it doesn't matter how good of an employee you are. You got the job by fraud, and you have been with this guy for 3 years due to fraud as well.
Did you tell your mom not to reveal that you have kids to this guy?? Did she have to get rid of all the pictures in her house?? That is horrible! Telling someone you have children should be on DATE 1 or even sooner if it's online. You don't have to introduce your kids to him until you've known him long enough, but disavowing them is extremely wrong.
If I were his friends and family, I'd be telling him that you are bad news, that all of your lying was a red flag and who knows what else you're hiding (i.e. criminal record, history of cheating, STI, money issues), and that if he were to stay with you, you're capable of carrying on elaborate ongoing deceptions from him like possibly hiding secret boyfriends, joint credit cards, other kids, etc.
When you traveled to where he is numerous times to meet his friends and family, what did you tell your kids?? Does your ex have full custody of them?? See, you were leaving to escape reality, and now you can't life the double life anymore. Even if you hadn't revealed it to him, you would have been found out eventually, as it's extremely easy to find someone's marriage and divorce records online with only a few strokes of the keyboard, and the "dissolution with children" part would have alerted him to the fact that you have kids. It's not a far cry from looking up a free people search and finding your date of birth, and then he knows everything.
If you lose him, which is extremely likely, you need to take this as the mother of all wake-up calls that you being a single mom may be a dealbreaker to some guys, but the guy who accepts you as you are and not as some false representation will be the one. Lie about who you are, and you'll never be THE ONE to any guy.
And don't kid yourself either. Not volunteering information or letting him assume things that aren't true is the same as lying outright. The defense "He never asked me if I was married or had kids before" doesn't fly. Same with your age. How old did you TELL him you were??
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (16 April 2017): If someone lied to me for 3 yrs they would be gone no question!!! You should not of met his family if he couldn't meet yours (kids included) a woman of your age should kno better!! 3 yrs is such a long time to keep a secret....i hope he dumps you ...if he doesn't are you willing to give him kids?? If he wants them ... What is he ment to Say to his family .....?? If he forgives you the least you can do is sit his family down and explain to them why you did this to him....
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (16 April 2017): I think he should run and run fast ... You are a liar end of and kids is a big secret to keep and 3yrs to realise he's worth telling !!! Leave him alone to find someone his own age who can give kids as well
...............................
A
female
reader, Ormskirk360 +, writes (16 April 2017):
 If I were him, and you'd lied to me for three years, you would be dumped so fast your head would spin. It wouldn't be a case of accepting/not accepting your children, but that you'd forced me into a three year long relationship without all the facts. I personally would never even try to recover from that lie.
I understand not rushing to introduce him to your children too soon, but you've completely deceived him for THREE YEARS about a huge part of your life.
Don't be surprised if you find you no longer have a relationship. He's right to be dubious. If you can lie about something so huge for so long, what else would you be capable of lying about?
...............................
A
female
reader, matimoo  +, writes (16 April 2017):
I think that, in all honesty, if he loves you, he will be able to look past what some may see as a flaw or burden. He will accept you for who you are, and if he can't, then he is not the man you should be spending the rest of your life with. You need to be able to be open and honest with your life partner, and with that comes the need to tolerate any physical or emotional baggage your S.O. may have. He should come around, if he truly cares about you.
...............................
|
