A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I need help! I'm 28 years old, and recently I went to my parent's house over the weekend and i discovered something that has my blood boiling right now. My parents are fairly older with my mom being in her mid 50's and my dad in his late 60's. Tonight my phone was about to die while I was texting people so I figured I'd use my mom's phone to keep the conversation going. To my surprise I opened the text messaging app on her phone and discovered she's been texting another man. They've been having somewhere dirty conversations and he's been trying to get her to cheat on my father. I read everything, and i discovered that they haven't had sex or even kissed. It seems like its in the very beginning stages, just talking a little dirty and flirting. Apparently she works with this scum. I know my parent's relationship isn't all that great, by that i mean that it's stressful because my dad has some health problems. He's still an active man by doing alot of stuff around the house and still farms. Plus my dad works at the same company too. Anyway, I'm so enraged right now by what I've discovered. I really want to confront her about this, but I'm afraid of my temper. I most definitely want to confront this scum and I'm in no way afraid of my temper when it comes to him. Should i confront her? Should i tell my dad? Should i keep my mouth shut? Or should i confront this guy? What should I do?
View related questions:
flirt, text Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 June 2012): OP you have EVERY right to confront your mother. I am accountable for my actions both to my kids and family as well as my close friends. This accountability has ensured that I am in control of my life with very little dysfunctional areas. OP you need to have that adult conversation with your mother. My son is only 12 and I hear his concerns: I do not tell him that my doings in my life are none of his business. I allow him to speak his thoughts, his concerns, his fears: I do Not allow him to parent me but I allow that much needed 2 way communication. When people are not accountable people/we tend to be a law unto ourselves and this is the start of the end. Family life is absolutely vital in this day and age: in my life the people closest to me are allowed to question my actions. It keeps me well grounded. It keeps me solid. It helps me to deal with the few dysfunctional areas in my life. LoveGirl
A
reader, anonymous, writes (17 June 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you all for the sound advice, greatly appreciated.
...............................
A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (16 June 2012):
 No it's not your business at all. Just like if at some point in time there is something going on in YOUR OWN marriage it would not be anyone's business but you and your wife's.
Again, it doesn't mean you can't CALMLY ask your mom what's up.
...............................
A
male
reader, Discovery +, writes (16 June 2012):
I'll skip over the whole ask permission to use phone topic since that's irrelevant to what I want to say...
I can see the people who say it's none of your business and I can also see that it's also definitely your business. I don't know exactly how I would bring it up but I definitely would want to in some form either with the dad or mom. It's important not to outright accuse them but I think it's good for everyone (and you) to know what's happening here.
Being someone who is absolutely disgusted by all forms of cheating, I don't know what I'd feel if my mom ended up being one of those. I'd probably never look at her again with a straight face. Don't like your marriage, break up, then do whatever.
Also, this 3rd party guy is the last person you need to talk to. He could be absolutely innocent here and led on by your mom or whatever.
Hopefully things are a lot better than they sound in your post though. Good luck.
...............................
A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (16 June 2012):
 I know that even at 28 it sucks to think of your parents splitting up... I know when I was 24 and pregnant my dad had his one and only affair... and he left my mom... I cried. I was 24 I was married. I was pregnant I was INDEPENDENT... still their child but an adult and I cried because I did not want to come from a broken home...
OP I can understand how you feel. I will also tell you that everyone else is right... it's NOT your business.
IF you feel that YOU must overstep your boundaries and talk to someone, then go to your mom.
First you apologize to her for invading her privacy
then you apologize for using her phone without permission
then you apologize for what you are about say and YOU know that you are out of line (because you are)
then ask "can I talk to you about some texts I saw on your phone".... she will be angry and may get flustered but at this point even if you don't have a conversation with her about it, she knows you know.
BUT it may totally permanently wreck the relationship you have with your mom... is it worth it to overstep those boundaries for that?
AT 28 you see your mom and dad as old and can't even imagine that they still have feelings like you do... my god they are PARENTS... they don't do that... right?
WRONG... I'm old enough to be your mom. I'm 52.. my fiance is 39 and my kids are fine with it....
for all you know your mom has told your dad about this guy... you have no clue what goes on in your parents marriage behind closed doors. and won't you look the fool if that's the case
in addition, why in the world when you visit your parents are you RUDE enough to text with people and is it really SO IMPORTANT that you must continue the conversation on a different phone? When my nearly 26 yr old son visits us and his phone starts blowing up, he's very apologetic and ONLY takes the texts that are WORK RELATED...
would you have done this to your friends??? I don't think so.
...............................
A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (16 June 2012):
 Your update makes sense, coming from a guy that does not hesitate a second using another person's phone without bothering to ask " May I ".
It sounds you have a little trouble understanding boundaries, where " I " and " mine " ends, and " they " and " theirs " ends.
It may be your family, but it's HER life, HER marriage, HER body and HER decision, right or wrong that it may be. If she has done, or is going to do , something wrong,- that's between her and her conscience, and / or her and her husband,-you don't fit in the picture.
You are not the keeper of her chastity, you are not her tutor or warden. She has not confided in you, or asked your advice, so don't interfere. And please don't snoop in other's people text messages.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (16 June 2012): It's none of ur business OP, accept that and live then you'll do well.
...............................
A
female
reader, Aunty BimBim  +, writes (16 June 2012):
 Unless you share the marital bed this is NONE of your business. Your mother is a mature woman in her 50s. She doesn't have to answer to you, you have already acknowledged her marriage isn't all that great. You don't know what goes on behind closed doors. This is why I am advocating you approach your mother calmly, and if she doesn't want to discuss it with you, you need to accept this. You are not her keeper.
...............................
A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (16 June 2012):
I agree 100% with CaringGuy, sit your mother down and talk to her.
You are not one of the parties of your parents marriage, so this is something THEY need to sort out. That doesn't mean you can't sit your mom down and talk to her.And watch your temper when you do talk to her.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (16 June 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHow is this not any of my business? I believe my family is my business, I believe it is the very definition of being my business.
...............................
A
female
reader, Aunty BimBim +, writes (16 June 2012):
Do not confront this man, it is none of your business, and I also hope you asked your mother if it was okay before you decided to use her phone ... but I guess you didn't. So there is your opening, Mum, when I was over last weekend my phone ran out of battery so I used yours and I saw some flirty texts .... don't accuse, dont be confrontational, if she wants to talk that's great, and if she doesn't then you need to accept she is an adult and should know her own mind.
...............................
A
male
reader, CaringGuy  +, writes (16 June 2012):
Do not confront the guy. You might do something stupid and make this work.
Do not tell your father. As of yet, he doesn't need to know.
Instead, sit with your mother and tell her what you've seen and how you feel. You'll most likely find that your father's condition has now played with her mind and is screwing her judgement up. That's not an excuse, but at the very least it's an explanation.
I say confront your mother. Perhaps you speaking to her will give her a wake up call.
...............................
|
