A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I travelled 30,000 odd miles home 2 days ago to be told as soon as I got off the plane I no longer had a boyfriend - the boyfriend I was so desperate to get home to. The boyfriend I thought about the whole time I was away. The first 2 weeks it was all oh I miss u.. Then bang.. Week 3.. He's being a weirdo then waits till I step off the plane to tell me. 5 days before Xmas!! I am so hurt/angry/confused. I feel so worthless. He said he thinks he should be on his own right now with the way he is feeling due to "work and stuff" as he puts it. So what does this mean!!? Wait till he does feel like a relationship!? I think not! I just don't get where it has come from!? Why would it change? Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (22 December 2010): Sorry I didn't realize it was only 3 weeks. The way you said you traveled that many miles home made it seem like a big event, like you were specifically flying home to meet him, not just returning from a 3 week holiday.
Most of what I said applies, it still would have been bad form for him to tell you while on holiday that he wanted to break up.
You're probably better off not waiting, he doesn't sound like the kind of guy you can rely on to deal with situations like these without bailing on you every time. It's not fair on you at all to do that, I mean stress at work etc is best relieved by our loved ones, friends, girlfriends are the best way of relieving stress and relaxing.
He just doesn't sound like relationship material if that's how he is and it's a consistent past behaviour. I mean you simply cannot accept being on/off, it's not a good way to live. You can't relax and enjoy yourself because some crap might trigger him again.
Unlike the others I don't think he's an asshole, yes the xmas timing was bad (but it's never a good time to hear that). The suddenness of the break up isn't an asshole thing to do either because it's always good not to drag these things out.
The only thing I might consider assholeish is his refusal not to tell you why, but you'd be surprised with people like that. He might not even know himself why, just that he feels he has to. He could also just be under so much stress he's literally not capable of having that talk calmly and reasonably without breaking down or exploding. I mean he cried when you went on a 3 week holiday, he sounds quite unstable emotionally. Look it would be nice to get some closure and find out what happened, but I wouldn't hold your breath, if he's the kind of guy that has break up with his girlfriend just because things got bad at work then you're better off without him.
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female
reader, TasteofIndia  +, writes (22 December 2010):
 GIRLFRIEND! Your boyfriend is a tool. And like YouWish said so eloquently, he is definitely going to look like an anemic Ronald McDonald.
Be around your family and friends and celebrate the holidays while also celebrating the fact that you're done with this jerkface who would break up with you straight off a plane, 5 days before Christmas, after leading you on all vacation. (really!???!!) You are lucky to be done with him!!
Happiest holidays, my dear. Your ex is a douchebag.
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male
reader, dirtball +, writes (22 December 2010):
 In Cerberus' defense, I interpreted your original post as this being an LDR too, and everything he said there applies. Based on your follow up though, I see he's just a jackass (your ex, not Cerberus). You're better off without him.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 December 2010): Your may feel 'worthless' but that's because the world you thought you had has been taken away. Right now you are at rock bottom, the only way is up. OK he was very special to you, but he's just one guy - you must not put all your own selfworth in the hands of someone else because they can take it away. The 'needing space' type of thing is just a cowards way of trying to end things less painlessly (for him). So just consider it over. Why did it change? There is no answer, sometimes its just the way it is. Of course you feel pretty bad just now - but sometimes its the sense of rejection that stings the most.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 December 2010): hi guys, i'm the original poster. firstly.. a 3 week holiday is not a long distance relationship.. what about these people that go away and work on oil rigs for weeks/months on end and come back to their girlfriends fine. so to me, the 3 week holiday he was meant to come on is not a ldr. and he knew about the holiday, he was meant to come but couldn't get the time off work. he was gutted about this and even cried when i left. to come off a plane thinking all was fine, after his texts saying he missed me too when i told him i missed him, and get a text saying he's feeling bad at work, doesn't know what's up with him and feels he is better off on his own at the moment is a bit harsh, he told me he'd come and explain to me as i deserve that.. i'm still waiting. his last relationship was on and off.. so i think maybe he is used to this patern of his own space when he needs it. i won't be waiting. thank u for your comments every1
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reader, anonymous, writes (22 December 2010): It sucks balls but it's not uncommon in LDR's in fact it's the norm.
I have a friend go through the same thing 6 months ago his gf at the time came back and out of nowhere dumped him, citing that she just wanted to be single, didn't think it was working and she didn't want to keep going in the relationship.
She didn't tell him until the first day they met up, pretty much when she got off the plane.
The thing is with LDR's is they don't work. You don't have enough time together to keep the relationship progressing. In fact it only goes backwards. At first he thought what bitch to just do this all of a sudden. But it wasn't sudden at all for her, she had a long time to think about it and come to that decision but she didn't tell him she was feeling that way because she felt it would be unfair not to talk to him in person.
While the previous poster says it's callous to do that to a girl, it's not. It would have been more callous to not tell you and pretend everything is okay, it would have been just as bad if he told you there were problems seeing as you were so far away ad there's nothing you could do about it.
if he told you he was reconsidering the relationship when he first started feeling that way, then you would have crushed and too far away to do anything about it. Plus you'd probably be alone with no support network around you. It would have been a harsh few weeks.
You see it wouldn't be good to tell someone who is your LDR that you're rethinking things, when you might not feel that way when you see them in person.
The thing too is, it is very frowned upon to break up with someone over the phone, or by email. It is traditional and seen as courtesy to break up in person, look around this site for 5 minutes and you'll see how bad people feel about people doing that. So he had to wait to tell you in person.
Look it's just the way LDR's go, really you've nothing to feel worthless about. This sounds like your first LDR because I don't know many people that try it a second time because they never work. You have far too much time to think of all the things you're missing out on, the closeness, the physical affection, the intimacy, sex. All very important aspects of a romantic relationship. You only get to talk on the phone or online for a few hours daily if at all and for long periods of time you don't get to see their face hold them etc.
Now while it may have seemed fine when you were talking to him recently the closer it got to you coming back the more urgency on him to sort out his feelings and whether he wanted to continue. Trust me he's been thinking about this for a while. He made the decision to move on. Try not to do LDR's if one person in an LDR has even the tiniest amount of doubt in their mind, that doubt has a hell of a lot of time and too much space to develop into full blown hopelessness.
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reader, anonymous, writes (22 December 2010): Please dont do that to yourself. You certainly are NOT worthless. Im sure he didnt just wake up one morning and decide he didnt want to be with you. Something happened while you were away. Maybe the realization that he wasnt ready for a serious relationship. Maybe he met someone hes attracted to. He will know the reason. But whatever the reason, he will have been giving things a lot of thought and then made a very difficult decision. Atleast he waited and told you when you got home. You didnt just get a cold message while you were far from home. That would have been even worse. Im not saying what he did was right or kind. But it was better than stringing you along forever because he lacked the courage to tell you. It wont feel like it now. But it was better he broke things off than pretended all was well and just played along to keep you happy. He told you something that would hurt anyone, so you are understandably very upset. But now you are free to find the right guy for you, the one who will really love you. You are not worthless. You are worthy of a far greater love than your ex boyfriend could give you.
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female
reader, harleygirl2010 +, writes (22 December 2010):
 i have to agree with Youwish. You are not worthless and you should never let a man let you think other wise. He was a jerk to wait until you got off the plane to tell you, and just before Christmas. That makes matters worse. I hope all works out for you dear. Remember you are beautiful and if they are not willing to work for you heart, then they don't deserve it. If they make you feel three inches tall because they want to, then they don't deserve you. Don't let him knock you down.
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female
reader, YouWish +, writes (22 December 2010):
 You're not worthless. Don't take the hit for his extreme immaturity. He could have told you before you left.
I'm thinking there's more to this story than we're hearing now. "Work and stuff" sounds a lot like he cheated on you while you were gone and he's wanting to pursue things with this new girl.
A guy who can callously do that to a girl IS worthless. Hold your chin up, girl! In 5 years, you'll most likely meet someone who makes this guy look like an anemic Ronald McDonald.
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