A
male
age
30-35,
*er_zyniker
writes:I'm 19 years old and gay. A little over a year ago I fell in love with one of my best friends. I told him how I felt about him in November and I know he avoided me for a long time. Whenever I would ask if we could get together he would tell me that he didn't know if that day would work and that he'd check and let me know. It would get close to the day that I asked about and I still hadn't heard back from him. So I would try to call and email him, but I couldn't seem to get a hold of him until after the day I asked about. Then he would tell me that his cell phone was off. When I would ask him on facebook, or sometimes if I even sent him an IM on facebook, he would log off within a few seconds. In the process I he lost my trust, and almost all respect that I had for him. Well, recently it seemed like things were improving between us. So I asked him in a text if we could get together. He didn't respond. That night we were both on facebook and we talked for a while. Then I asked him if he wanted to get together. Within a few seconds he logged off. So I sent him a message saying that I was getting a little tired of him not answering my question when I ask to get together with him, and yes I do have other people there so things won't be too awkward. I told him that I don't care if the answer to if he wants to get together is no, but the fact that he isn't even answering the question is pissing me off. The next morning I sent him a message asking him why he doesn't just answer the question. He sent me a message back asking what question I was referring to in the second message and not to freak out on him. I then sent him a text telling him that I would like to talk to him to explain why I freaked out on him and all he said was that that night wouldn't work. So I asked him when would work and he told me that the weekend would be fine. Then to see if he was still avoiding me like I suspected, I asked him where he would like to talk about that in person, on facebook, or over the phone. He didn't respond back. So the next day I sent him another text asking when would be a good time to call that weekend. He said that he didn't know why I felt the need to explain myself and that he would prefer not to talk about it. So I sent him a text asking him why he always logged off facebook anytime I asked him if he wanted to get together instead of just answering the question and that once again I didn't care if the answer was no. I just thought that a civil question deserves a civil answer. He told me that most the time he is online that he is playing World of Warcraft and that he doesn't really pay attention to facebook that much. I don't know whether I can believe him on this one. I mean, if he logs off within seconds when i ask him to get together and doesn't respond to any texts that suggest getting together, am I just being paranoid? Is my lack of trust or respect for him blinding me? If he is avoiding me like I suspect, does anyone have an idea as to why he won't just give me a straight answer when I ask if we can get together? Also, ever since I told him that I love him I just don't find anyone else physically attractive. He isn't exactly good looking, but I'd say he's a handsome young man. Why do I no longer find anyone else attractive in that way?
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male
reader, der_zyniker +, writes (10 October 2010):
der_zyniker is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThe thing that I hate the most about all of this is the person I've become because of it. Before I told him I was sort of happy go lucky, always smiling. I typically looked on the bright side of everything. I saw the good in other people. I was almost always patient. I had a strong drive and was ambitious. Now I'm cranky and bitter. My temper can flare suddenly which would never happen before. I'm sort of lazy. Instead of doing what I'm suppose to be doing I spend my time on facebook. I just feel like not only did I lose a friend. I feel like I lost myself. But there is this one friend that I have who knows that I'm gay and I told him that I was interested in him since I told him. He's straight, but he handled it pretty well. We talk and joke around a lot. When I'm around him I feel like my old self again. I feel like I can talk to him about almost everything and a lot of the time I talk to him about things I would never talk to anyone else about. He also talks to me about his problem and we give each other advice frequently. He's there when I need someone to talk to. He brings out the best in me. Hell. He even felt so comfortable with the fact that I was interested in him that a couple of weeks ago I he asked me what it was that I found attractive about him. I've only known him for about 8 month, but I feel so close to him like I've known him for years. The problem is I think if I'm not careful I'll fall for him to. I won't tell him if I do, but I don't want to go through that sort of emotional roller coaster again. Do you guys have any tips for how I can avoid developing feelings for him?
A
female
reader, DenimandLace44 +, writes (1 October 2010):
 I'm sorry life is so hard for you right now. I understand from personal experience some of what you say, and I can only try to understand. Life is tough when you feel betrayed by someone you trust. Be strong. Be true to who you are. Feel free to come back anytime you need to vent. Hugs hunny
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A
male
reader, der_zyniker +, writes (30 September 2010):
der_zyniker is verified as being by the original poster of the questionIt just bothers me so much because I thought I knew him better than this before I told him. He was the only person that I trusted for a long time and it turns out that I should have never trusted him. I know that my family will disown me when they find out what I am. I wouldn't be so certain if it weren't for the fact that I have premonitions and one of them was me being disowned. I just get so tired of not being able to trust anyone that I love. I have to hide the fact that I'm gay. I have to hide the fact that I have premonitions and see ghosts. I have to hide the fact that I will be converting to Judaism. I am so tired of having to hide who I am and having my life be nothing but a lie to everyone. I am so sick of always having to hide who I am and I'm tired of being looked down upon for the things that define who I am.I just can't take any more lies.
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A
female
reader, DenimandLace44 +, writes (30 September 2010):
Cindy is right. He keeps trying to be friends but you are all about SAYING you want friendship. Bv your ACTIONS say I'M IN LOVE WITH YOU! He can't figure out how to handle it, so he hides. But hunny YOU are driving him away. Unrequited love is crap...and it usually destroys friendships like these. :(
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (30 September 2010):
 It does not matter if you are not chasing him "in that way "- whatever your intentions may be, he just does not want to be pressured.Clearly this friendship means more to you than to him, and I think that if he has shown in so many ways his unavailability to you ,even just as a friend, you'd better respect his choice and let it go.
After all, what's the point of a friendship that you 'd get only after pushing,pleading and cajoling ?
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A
male
reader, der_zyniker +, writes (30 September 2010):
der_zyniker is verified as being by the original poster of the questionOk. I think so of you misunderstood my intentions. I know he's not interested in me in that way. I know that he's straight. I'm not chasing after him in that way. All I'm trying to do is be friends with him because I know that's all it could ever possibly be. And I'm trying to get together with him and have other friends there as well. The thing that gets me is that when I found out for sure that he was avoiding me I asked him if he even wanted to be friends and he said yes. However, he has continued to avoid me. I don't know how I can possibly make it any clearer to him that I have no intent to ever persue him in a sexual or romantic way at any time in the future. If he doesn't want to be friends anymore why did he say that he did. Also everyone that knows what has been going on has told me that he is the one with the problem not me. Should I tell him that? I mean I've tryed doing everything I can think of. I tryed talking to him that didn't work. I've tryed getting together with him with other people around so things wouldn't be to awkward. That didn't work. I've tryed giving him space. That didn't work. I told him that I don't love him anymore, however that isn't true. That didn't work. I can't stand losing someone for no other reason then the fact that I love him. With that said, should I just tell him to shove it and once like a said above that I'm not the one with the problem and that that isn't just my opinion, but the opinion of all of our mutual friends that know about this?
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A
female
reader, CindyCares +, writes (30 September 2010):
He IS avoiding you . Blatantly. He does not want to get mean or confrontational so he hopes that if he gives you no attention eventually you'll get tired and stop chasing after him.
I understand your discomfort since I share with you a strong dislike for passive aggressive communication techniques. Then again,let's be fair, it's not easy when someone who has clearly invested in you emotionally keeps
asking you "Do you want to get together ?", just answering him : " No I don't, not now, not tomorrow, not next week- never !". Maybe if the shoe was on the other foot, you'd have trouble too being so candid.
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A
female
reader, natmarie  +, writes (30 September 2010):
 HI. Sorry to hear you are going through this. If I was you , I would quit contacting him all together.. that way you will get you answer. He will come back to you if he is interested. I know it is going to hurt - but at least that way the truth will out. Try maybe to date other guys in the meantime, and see what happens. I think the more you put questions to this guy, the more he backs off , as he gets scared, and overwhelmed. Let me know what happens if you can. Good luck. :o) xxx
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A
female
reader, DenimandLace44 +, writes (30 September 2010):
You are getting your answer. He doesnt want to get together. He wants to be nice, but you always turn it back into, lets get together. Let him go, quit trying to connect. He isnt interested in you "that way."
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A
female
reader, Indie23  +, writes (30 September 2010):
 I definitely think he's avoiding you and whether that has to do with how you feel about him or how he feels about you is null and void. Obviously he doesn't want to talk.
This is a really crappy thing that he's doing to you, you deserve a straight answer but I'm not sure that you're going to get one. I think the best thing for you to do is move on. You've pretty much said everything you've needed to say and I think it's time to get on with your life. You need to find someone who is going to treat you properly and not confuse you.
As for not finding anyone else attractive, it's probably because you've been so fixated on this guy your heart hasn't been open to anyone else.
Best Wishes, Indie.
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