A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Ok, so I really messed up. I've been with my boyfriend for almost 4 years. Needless to say we have had many ups and downs over the years. Recently I began talking to an old friend who I used to have feelings for and have slept with. I know he has feelings for me which is why he became an old friend when I got in my relationship. My boyfriend asked me not to talk to him because he always told me to leave my boyfriend and be with him. Occasionally we would talk and for the longest time he didnt flirt or anything, and didnt say I should be with him so I felt like I was doing no harm. Then we decided to hang out and grab lunch a few times. It was like I was with a girlfriend in my eyes. So after lunch a few times, I went to his one afternoon to hang out and once again get food. Well we ended up hanging out talking outside until around 3 am and I told my boyfriend I was sleeping. Still nothing happened that I thought was bad other than me lieing about what I was doing. So, the next week I decided to hang out with him again and this time it all changed. We went and got some food as usual, just from the drive thru, and then went back to his place and by his friends house. Then once we were back at his house it had just got dark. And he has a pool and he decided to get in. So reluctantly I got in too. I didnt have a bathing suit so I just went in my shorts and a tank top. we just swam around and floated and talked and somehow we began kissing and I honest to god didnt enjoy it at all. To me he's a bad kisser and I instantly felt bad but I didnt say anything cause he's one of my oldest friends and I know it hurts him that I don't wanna be with him. So we played basketball in the water and eventually that led to more kisses. Once again I felt nothing from the kissing except guilt. And I pulled away and kept my distance after that. So a little later I went home. The weekend passed and it was all I could think about because I felt so bad. I don't like him in that way and I'm very in love with my boyfriend..so why would I do that to him?? What's my problem? And so my guilt trip comtinued, on Sunday night I couldn't take it anymore. I was going to stay at my boyfriends house for the night again and changed my mind and decided to write him a letter and tell him everything. Well he flipped naturally and when I got home, he had beat me here and was furious. He jerked my ring off and yelled at me and said he hated me and all that. I was in shock and all I could do was walk inside. He said some really awful things to me. And I was hurt bad but thats what I get. And then he asked to come over and talk about Monday night so I did. We got back together after I swore to stop talking to the guy. And he said he wouldn't trust me anymore. I thought we were fine. I stayed with him since Monday night until tonight. And earlier on the phone I asked him if it still ok if I went out with a girlfriend tomorrow night, and he said I guess in a hateful way. I asked him why I guess and he replied because I don't care...he's never been like that to me. He always cares, most the time he cares to much. And last night in bed he said he didn't love me the same and he had fallen out of love with me!!!. I don't know what to do. How can I make it better?? I know I messed up badly but I love him so much and just want to fix things. Do you think he will ever feel the same again?
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (30 September 2010): Your BF's behavior is a surprise to you? You lied and decieved him repeatedly so it is no wonder that he does not believe you and disrespects you. It will be a long time before you get his trust back if you stay togeather.
A
male
reader, Mr. Smith +, writes (30 September 2010):
Honestly... you need to get one thing straight... you lied and cheated on your boyfriend. Do not expect for him to be "all is nice and perfect" in just a couple of days or weeks. The problem here is that you lied, and that led to a worse situation.
Me as a man I know that once we lose trust and love in a woman it is impossible to get it back regardless of how much we try.
So that being said.. congrats, on destroying a good relationship!!!!
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (30 September 2010): From a guys perspective, I don't think he'll ever feel the same again. I mean you essentially cheated on your bf by not only hanging out with someone you used to have some sexual relationship with, but made out and such - if I were in his shoes, I would "fall out of love" as well.
Its natural to think about a past companion, but you need to know your boundaries, especially if you're presently in a relationship with someone. While meeting for lunch was maybe okay, going back to his place and having some "fun" in the pool was not. You could have easily sat beside the pool and just talked instead of jumping in. You could have pulled away when he tried kissing you instead you engaged. Even after the first peck, you could have said no and left but instead you stayed.
I’m sorry but I don’t think he’ll ever think the same way about you again. If you really “loved him so much” you wouldn’t have done what you did, but you did – deal with the consequences and move on.
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A
male
reader, Odds +, writes (30 September 2010):
 "somehow we began kissing" "eventually that led to more kisses"Somehow, I think you were enjoying this more than you let on. Kissing doesn't "just happen," especially not twice in a row.For what it's worth, I believe that you're sorry, but he almost certainly does not. I'll explain.If this is the way you explained it to your boyfriend, using similar terms, he will believe that you've admitted to having no self-control. This is a very important trait that guys look for in long-term relationships. By betraying his trust, you've told him that you lack one of the qualities he originally looked for in you.At this point, apologizing is just going to sound like excuses to him. Telling him you feel bad about it doesn't help - why should he care how bad you feel about it?He is going to be mad for a while, and if you want this to get better, you have to stick with him while he rides it out. It's been, what, less thank a week? He is trying to decide if he can ever trust you again. The only way to show that he can is to stick by him now, let him be angry for a while, and keep your word from now on. Trying to shift him instantly from angry to happy is just going to be counterproductive; give him time.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (30 September 2010): I kind of think this is a situation where only time will tell.It will probably take a while for him to trust you again, thats saying if he decides he can. Theres not much else you can really do in this time but be 100% honost. Do not go talking to this guy again, keep to your word.Tell him you know you messed up and reassure him that this wont happen again. Youv gotta expect some nasty words and feelings towards you at the moment. His probably really hurt but not necessarily doesnt love you anymore, just doesnt want to say it to you.Hang in there in time, if your lucky he will come to forgive you.Goodluck
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