A
female
age
36-40,
*ally20
writes:Hi, i'm having some problems with a partner at the moment. we've been together for 3 1/2 years. He was a really loving guy to start with, sooo romantic but as time past he just can't be bothered. I recently discovered that he's been using my P.C in my room to download porn when i'm in work. we don't live together, he can just stay up mine when he wishes and vice versa. I asked him about my findings and he was very arrogant. he lied at first and then admitted when i read out the list of sites and videos he's watched. He told me he's always done it, he's addicted and he enjoys watching it. I told him i don't find there anything wrong with porn but why so secretive he said he didn't know. I've found him masturbating over magazines before and told him i found this really inappropriate when he has a loving girlfriend who would gladly try new things. But the truth is i don't know whether i can get over it. i feel really hurt, he needs to use other women to get pleasure, we don't have much sex because he just doesn't try and this is why. I feel rejected and UGLY! i don't know what to do. i've told him exactly how i feel but he doesn't even try to consoldate me, i asked him how he feels all he says is sorry, i wont do it again. I feel like a nosy mother, guilty for sneaking up on him but its like he wanted to find it. I don't know what to do..... i love him but surely somebody would be content with my. I'm not ugly or boring. I didn't think i was, I just don't understand. Do all men do it? Should i end this? I just don't know. help please x
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 September 2007):
My boyfriend looks at teen porn mostly and some porn. He denyed it at first and well some of you know the excusses you hear. He blames me for it, when i'm very pretty have a lovely body and was even willing to view porn together,which we did do at first. But then he decides he doesn't want me being ''PORNO'' anymore and even if I just joke and say touch my boobs wobble then he goes mad at me or If I wiggle my hips. He said he hates porn,and then I find him looking at it. He has video clips loeads of sites and mostly teen porn and I can tell you the girls on them are made to look alot younger. I considered getting him into trouble, but he said If I do he would make my life hell. He also said the sites and girls are 18years old.My god they dont look it. I think its horrable these girls are exploted they don't emptionally realise the impact it will have in there own lives. It makes me feel rubbish makes me feel ugly although he says i'm beautiful. He has been a bit strange once before where he said that alot of women fanasise about rape,which socked and made me wonder what goes on in his head. Anyway, I have heard about men likeing there partner to feel hurt and he said to me he kinda thought I would find it and doesn't care as it would bring us closer or split us up. He wanted me to have a baby and because of his ways said no,not unless he changes. I think he maybe punishing me for not becoming a mom i'm not getting any younger neither is he so i'm thinking of having a baby i don't know..I don't know now whats going to happen, but I lost it and said to him right if you are going to look at teen porn i'm going to look at mens cocks and buy mags for us women, he said he didn't give a F... But said why did i need to tell him that, and i said if you can't beat um join umm as the saying goes. But this is not really what i want to do i want him to stop which he says he will, but thats rubbish isn't it? I worry constantly that he will meet up with one of these people on those connection sites too.Maybe he has done, he goes to work early in the morning and says he has a quick napp in his car, well maybe he has a quick you know what too. He says he doesn't use porn like i think he does, yeah right pigs might fly! I've just started a new job and had to go sick and am not doing my work to the best, as im sad and very anxious. I'm afraid i will also get addicted and then what?? I'm scared. I would apriecate any comments. Thanks.
A
female
reader, penta  +, writes (29 August 2007):
 Take your computer in to make sure that the virus/malware etc. and all traces of porn are removed. Ask them to put password access onto the computer. Don't share the password with your bf. You've asked him not to use your computer for this and he obviously can't be trusted with it.
Beyond the porn issue is an underlying trust issue, and the fact is that you don't trust him anymore. And he's given you reason not to trust him. If you still want him in your life, he's going to need to work hard for you to trust him again. Here's a good article on building trust. Print it and talk with him about it: http://www.ehow.com/how_2004257_build-trust-relationship.html
If you don't want him back, if you're done, you need to cut him off cold turkey. Put a block on your phone, code your e-mail to list him as spam. He'll get the hint and leave you alone. (You might give him the bill to fix your computer.)
Let me ask you something, though. If you didn't know anything at all about his porn use, and if that were not an issue at all, how would you rate your sex life? Does he give it up as much as you'd like? If no (you'd like more sex), then the porn is definitely a problem. If yes (you'd be happy with your sex life), then I think you may have over-reacted on the porn issue. Guys like to look. And porn is fun for them.
There are three warning issues for me and guys/porn: (1) if he begins to prefer it to you, and you're not getting enough, then he's addicted and needs a therapist. (2) if it's illegal (kiddie/snuf) then there's a REAL problem, and (3) if he's using your computer to do it (seriously uncool).
Please remember that no one can "make you" feel anything. I disagree with lots of people about the porn (that's just me -- my husband likes it and it doesn't bug me in the slightest). But you have to know that your self-confidence is your own responsibility. Never compare yourself to those air-brushed, over-made-up, surgically enhanced, porn stars on the screen. None of us can compete. Believe me, when one of them is walking down the street she's worried that those pants makes her look fat just like we are grin. And you have a beauty that's all your own; you have to know it.
In the future, after you've jettisoned this guy, do something to work on your self-confidence. Confidence is really sexy. When you are comfortable in your own skin, you'll attract the guy you want.
Good luck hon.
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A
female
reader, sally20 +, writes (29 August 2007):
sally20 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionok, its been a few months but its worse than ever now. In July i caught him at it AGAIN, but this time because he'd been using my computer and managed to download a virus...so i thought. it turned out to be an online billing system where he'd built up a charge of £40.00. Again i forgave him but 2 weeks ago i found it on my computer again....i just can't cope, i finish it because i feel like nothing to him and he does it even though he knows i hate it but he always seems to worm his way back in. i feel weak....i'm an idiot! we've been together for nearlly 4 years...i've told him that hes young, we got together too young and he obviously wants more sexual experiences, he says this is not true. I feel like i'm being cheated on...but the worse thing is, my friend is a model (fasion not glamour) and i found in the history he's been looking at her photos on her website, he says he was just checking for new ones, but she only knows him through me and this makes me feel really insecure. If i'm honest, i feel like a stupid, ugly, worthless 20 year old....but i know deep down that i can get other guys i'm just scared to leave him because i do love him so much and hope that one day he will change....How do i end this?? i need to! HELP!!!!!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (2 May 2007): These problems lead to bigger ones, believe me. First it may be the mags. Then comes sex hot-line (many different kinds of sex offered, with any sex partner you choose). Then it may be interactive computersex -o- rama. ETC., ETC.....Of couse a man sees nothing wrong with it. It is just an ongoing menu of sexual fantasy for him. It is offered, so it must be A-OKAY, no matter how it makes my old lady feel. It's all about me!!! Hey I'm happy and ---you! Well girls, I am so sick I have to go and lose my lunch! Those pervs deserve to be totally alone. On the day they die they will still believe they had the best!They got to be with everything sexual. Every experience imaginable. They've had it all. Just keep it up boys,you'll finally see in the lonely end how much it was worth. Happy loneliness boys!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 April 2007): This subject is very close to me, my boyfriend and I have been together for four years. last year we went through a really dry spell of sex it felt like I was pestering him all the time, when I tried to initiate it he would say "Im tired, its too hot, I feel unwell, etc but told me he loved me more than anything in the world, this went on for around two months!!!!!On valentines we were supposed to be going out for a meal, when i noticed that our sex bag (vibrators, lube etc) had moved so I asked him have you been watching porn while I was at work today? his reply "NO WHY DO YOU HAVE TO F***ING SPOILE EVERYTHING" "NOW WERE GONNA HAVE A S**T NIGHT OUT WHEN IM TRYING TO BE ROMANTIC" This made me feel so bad that I questioned him, I found myself appologising!Anyway he went in the shower while I dryed my hair when I was looking for my hairbush I pulled back the duvet and to my horror the was a load of used toilet paper, so I checked the DVD player and there it was a porn. The feeling I felt I cant describe. (this description is for the men who dont understand what that would feel like)In my head I wasnt good enough, he couldnt stand to have sex with me. He would rather look at somthing fake on the tv, than have sex with someone thats real and who wanted him, was I that repulsive? and why did he have to lie about it and make me feel as if I was the untrusting one.I went hysterical it felt like my whole relationship was a fake, worthless. he was heartbroken that it hurt me that much, I explained in very explicit detail how it made me feel and that I deserved more than this and that porn would no longer be acceptable in our relationship if he wanted me to stay. he told me porn wasnt important to him it was just somthing he did if he was board, and he would never look at it again if I stayed with him. (while crying and breaking every porn movie he had) that was over a year ago, for the few months I snooped and checked and he knew but didnt mind because he knew I had to learn to trust him again and I do and we are more in love than ever without the porn!My advice is if your relationship is real and you are made for each other nothing in his life is not worth giving up for him to have you. If your his one he wont care about watching porn or anything like that because he knows it hurts you and he wants to be with you for the rest of his life.give him the ultimatum it will make you miserable staying like that and if he wont give it up then he isnt the one for you. do it for yourself you need to be happyI hope this helps and you can have a happy ending also xx
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A
female
reader, Keria +, writes (25 April 2007):
Some of this might agree with what's already been written:
- There is nothing wrong with masturbating. Every guy does it, and many women do too. You should consider doing it. I'm serious, it would be good for you.
- Many women recognize that masturbation is good (obviously not all do though), but men often don't know women accept it, and think they need to hide it. It can be a little embarrasing for them
- Every guy with access to the interent will look at porn.
So, your guy is no different than any other guy in this respect. If you dump him over it, and get yourself another guy, well, he'll be the same. Seriously, they are all like this. Just accept it. If you don't like it, become celebate, and forget about men in your life.
This is the blunt truth, take it or leave it.
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A
female
reader, elsie +, writes (25 April 2007):
 i really dont think you should get so worked up over your guy using porn.i used to feel a little insecure when i was younger about porn but to be honest i think most people grow out of this.i dont think this represents a threat to you.hes being lazy like a lot of us do after a while in a relationship,men and women.you are very young and still getting your experience from life and learning about these sort of things.he needs a slap on the wrist for using your computer.he was being sneaky but hey hes a young bloke and i suppose he figured he wouldnt get caught?dont stop him from watching porn but beware that it doesnt overtake his time and interfere in his relationship with you.infact i think the more you talk about it and open up about it the less of a thrill it will be to your partner.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 April 2007): I am really surprised that other ladies are experiencing this same problem. I felt so alone in this very disturbing "world of never knowing what the hell is going on around here"! I guess I always knew there was something wrong and wanted to correct it. Well I find it pretty hard to do when the other person cant even open up enough to offer any kind of assistance. I feel it is wrong of these men to do this when they have promised they love only you, and yet they take your life, and offer nothing to you.We were supposed to be learning ,sharing and experiencing new things together. I feel like asking for a repayment of the ten years Ive spent waiting and wondering. How can you pay back ten years of someones life. I always told him, if there was somebody or something else, he could tell me,and I would understand and I would go.(of course there was never any answer) Do these men really think its fair to mess with their partners lives like this? We only want to be a part of their lives and be dealt with honestly for f... sakes. How can men be so f...ing dumb? They could have it all. I just wanted you to know I really feel for you in this situation. I hope your man gets smarter. Mine is an uphill battle. I am not going to give up my search for the answers either.I am new to the computerworld so I am having problems every time I turn around. I really would like to discuss this with someone with a lot of insite. If you would like to email and try to work on answers together I would be very relieved. People just dont seem to care about this as much as they should, because theyve never been on the receiving end. My email is [email address blocked] Again, I sypathize and do beleive there is an answer to our problem.
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A
female
reader, cd206 +, writes (24 April 2007):
 I know that it hurts that your boyfriend is using pictures of other women to masturbate but it's part of a fantasy world when he does it. On one level you will never be able to live up to the women in porn unless you have a personal airbrusher to make you look like that every time you have sex with your boyfriend but you're worth so much more than any of these girls. You're real, you're there and you love him. Personally I don't think masturbating over pictures or films is cheating, it's just a healthy outlet for men. You can't stop him from watching porn and I really wouldn't advise giving him an ultimatum about watching it because if your relationship is secure it might be worth accepting his porn use as just a flaw. I think the other noter gave you some really good advice about being more out there with your boyfriend. Maybe he doesn't realise that you would try these things with him. Why not try some different stuff in bed? All too often I think women wait for men to take the initiative but imagine what a turn on it'd be for him to realise you're interested in doing something he's only masturbated to as a fantasy! Good luck chick!
CD
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A
female
reader, penta +, writes (24 April 2007):
Okay, first of all he's not using other women to get pleasure, he's using PICTURES of other women, and there's a BIG difference. And just because he likes masturbating to porn DOES NOT mean he isn't attracted to you.
Men just like porn. And 95% of men masturbate (the other 5% lie). It's different for them.
Try sharing this with him by getting stuff you like too -- there are actually porn videos made for women (with PLOTS! and none of the in-your-face stuff (see http://www.blowfish.com for some good ones with fun reviews -- even if you don't order anything, the reviews are written with a nod to humor)). Or you can try to get some porn that's more written -- something like Penthouse's Variations Magazine which has mostly stories with only a few pictures (both men and women). It's really sexy.
You might even try masturbating with him. He might find that a real turn on.
If you tell him it's the porn or you, you're encouraging him to lie to you about his porn. Please don't feel like this has anything to do with you.
Now, about using your computer -- here I cry foul. Porn sites are notorious for downloading adware, spy-ware, malware, and just plain viruses. You're going to get stuck with all kinds of nasty pop-ups, and as these bad programs phone home to download all kinds of crap you'll see your computer's performance suffer. So tell him that if he wants to do computerized porn, stay away from your computer!
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A
male
reader, AdamPayseno +, writes (24 April 2007):
 Hey dear..
First of all, don't doubt your self.
There are many guys out there who have grown up watching porn, and are used to just watching some of it. You need to really stress that the Porn bothers you, You need to explain that it makes you feel like your not wanted..
He's a loving, romantic guy right? He'll help you..
As for him ''not being bothered'' some guys, when they get settled into a relationship, stop working out.. stop putting aftershave on.. stop trying so hard, because they have the girl they want, Right? He's just taking it a step further.. Tell him you want him to make you feel like the only girl in the world every so often.
Everyone has the right to feel special and loved.
Good luck.
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