A
male
age
,
anonymous
writes:I have been dating a 49 year old woman for just over 4 months now. While having an open discussion about our past relationships, she disclosed to me some very disturbing facts that occured during here past relationship.First of all, this past relationship of hers lasted almost three years. This guy was twice her size. After their forth date, they engaged into some heated kissing and he apparently forced himself on her, pulled out his manhood and entered her without her consent and thrusted a few times before she said " no, stop it" and pushed him off of her. He went and sat on the couch and started to cry. She felt sorry for him, but asked him to leave. He was persistant and called her to the point where she consented to meeting him and a relationship evolved from that. Over the course of the next year he wined and dined her. She felt appreciated and loved. As time progressed, he drank more, wanted her to "put out" when they got together or he got angry and would distant himself from her and be non-afectionate and verbally abusive. He tied her up once to his bed when she walked through the door, stripped her of her clothes, blindfolded her fed her bits of food and wine, asked her to perform fellatio on him, had sexual intercourse with her, sodimized her then unblindfolded her after three ours of this. He asked her to perform sexual acts while he watched explicit porno movies on his big screen t.v, asked her to wear nothing while she cleaned his house on Saturdays then asked for oral sex in return. He said to her " At our age, there are very few men left, and I am probably the best you are going to get". For fear of being alone at 49, she believed him and submised to him, had sex with him when he wanted it, however he wanted it. He was a very dominant man and treated her like a rag doll. He never hit her, but was apparently very arrogant and demeaning and an alcoholic. Out of fear of his distancing himself from her she wanted to have a companionship. The list is endless, and for me, very shocking and disturbing. I told her that he was a very sick man, a sexual preditor, wanted you only for his sexual fantasises, was his personal whore, etc. I told her that I want this guy investigated by the police. She said that I and her should just forget the whole thing and move on. He won't press charges against him either. What should I do? This guy is a dangerous man. Please help!!Marc- Toronto, Canada
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reader, anonymous, writes (24 April 2007): His no doubt a some kind of sex deviant, but I'm not sure anything he done is illegal or not, since they were dating at the time.
I don't blame you for wanting to get him, but in all fairness it really isn't any of your business.
A
female
reader, penta  +, writes (24 April 2007):
 This is a very hard question to answer.
Good for you for being so supportive; her self esteem is probably shot and everything you can do for her to let her know that she didn't deserve to be treated that way is great.
This kind of a charge can be extremely hard to prove. She may be concerned that people will believe him rather than her -- she did "choose" to stay, after all. (Please note the quotes around "choose" -- I am NOT saying that she asked for this.) But she probably feels very guilty, if not complicit, that she didn't leave earlier.
Encourage her to find some kind of support group for victims of sexual abuse ( http://www.rainn.org/ is a good one, but there are many others ). Finding out that she's not the only one that this happened to, that it's not her fault in ANY way, and that she is strong enough to face it is the best thing she can do right now.
Once she's stronger (more confident, empowered) you could bring this up again (assuming the statute of limitations hasn't run out). It may actually help her heal then, as well as keep him from doing this to another person. But don't keep putting her in the place where she has to think about it to say no to you (about pressing charges). She just wants to move on; let her.
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