A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I think my new boyfriend might be married and I have no idea how to bring up the subject. We've been together for almost three months and while things have been good, some of his behaviour has always been a bit off. Nothing I can put my finger on, he's just shifty like he forever has something on his mind. But it's not only that.Last night I was browsing census records online, as lately I've been thinking about putting together my family tree. You can search current records as well of course, and on a whim I searched my boyfriend's name and year of birth. There was a match under the marriage records tab so I clicked it - and I don't think it can be anyone else. He has a really distinctive surname, the record carried his middle initial, and the marriage took place in the London borough where he's lived for most of his adult life.The marriage took place more than ten years ago, so maybe he's divorced, maybe it's not him but that seems really unlikely. My question is, should I try to ask him about it? And if so, how? I sent him a light-hearted text saying I'd found this crazy website where you could access anyone's birth, death and marriage records, so much for data protection, but although he read it he didn't comment. I guess I hoped he'd realise I was hinting at something and address it, but...Would you leave it and just wait for the truth to come out? Any advice would be appreciated a million. Thanks x
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reader, anonymous, writes (13 September 2019): I don't get why you'd want to wait. You need to know NOW. I would be worried though because even if he was married and ended up getting divorced I don't understand why he wouldn't have told you about it by now. There's no shame in having a failed marriage. It happens to plenty of people. Here are 3 things to think about:
1. Has he stopped you from going to his house/apartment?
2. Are there particular days or times during the week where you don't see him or he's unavailable?
3. Does you have him on Facebook? If so what does his profile say about his relationship status?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 September 2019): You know in your heart what you must do so dump him.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 September 2019): If you're in the UK you can check with whoever holds local records. It's public information.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 September 2019): I can tell you that asking him is futile. He'll just deny it like a guy would deny cheating.
I think you might need to be your own private investigator and follow him around. That's the only way you'd receive confirmation.
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A
female
reader, YouWish  +, writes (2 September 2019):
 You could ask him straight out, but if he wants to keep playing around with you, and he's a good liar, he could spin a "I'm divorced" or "We're separated" yarn and you'd swallow it because you want it to be true. Right now, you've uncovered the first step in finding out about him.
Search for HIS WIFE's name. Look for a Facebook, look for other blogs or social media sites where she is. THat would tell you quickly whether or not she's still married to your boyfriend. You can also pay for a background check on your boyfriend and it will list all relatives and spouses and places where he's lived.
One way to find out is HOUSING records. If you know his address, look up the property records or google the address he says he lives at. Take a peek at his license or ID to get an address. Oftentimes, property is bought as a couple, and you'll see her name right next to his.
Less common, but still worth a look is to see if he has an "About me" on his employment site. If he's listed along with some facts about him, it sometimes says his name, his spouse's name, and any children they might have.
Also, look for his distinctive last name on any obituaries. The survived by portion of the obit often carries the name of spouses in parenthases.
If you find more definitive proof of his marriage, THEN confront him.
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reader, anonymous, writes (1 September 2019): This answer is short, because it's so easy. Just ask him point-blank if he has ever been married?
It's the first thing a single-person should ask before they even consider dating. How hard is asking...are you married or single?
If you don't trust his answer, tell him the truth. "I was searching public record. I was curious about your marital-status. I happened to find record of someone married under your name, and I want to be sure that it isn't you!"
If divorced, he should have mentioned it without being asked! If he's still married, he's a deceptive cheating low-life; and you've ducked a bullet!
You have every right to know if someone is test-positive for an STD, if they have children, if they have a criminal-record, and if they are married. It's not snooping, it's common-sense!
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female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (1 September 2019):
 "So much for data protection " ? In UK marriage records are public, and available since 1837 !, as published by the General Register Office. Just saying.
No, don't " hint ". Anyway , you hinted in such a vague, convoluted way, that he might very well not have had a clue about what you were referring to, whether he is single
( and innocent ) or still married ( and scamming you ). But this matter is relevant enough to grant a very direct question.
And anyway , I guess you can always double check entering also his exact birth date ( not just the year ).
In 3 months, haven't you ever visited him at home yet ? Did he ever called you over for "Netflix and chill " , or for a sleepover ? How does he explain that, and whom does he say he is living with… ?
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reader, chigirl  +, writes (1 September 2019):
 Stop with hinting, what a waste of time. Women need to learn to ask directly for what they want. After three months, I think he should have already told you if he was divorced. But just ask him straight out. Also, dont everyone connect on Facebook/social media these days? His potential wife would be amongst his friends there, would she not?
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female
reader, mystiquek +, writes (1 September 2019):
 We all have that little voice that tells us when something might be wrong. Never ignore it. If you feel something is wrong, then its very possible that something is wrong. I wouldn't wait around to see if your boyfriend is going to confess or come clean. Do some research on your own. If two and two doesn't add up then you would be wise to assume the worst.
People cheat, people lie. Its highly unlikely if he's married that he is going to be forthcoming about it. Go with your gut instincts. Definitely try to find him on social media. You might find out everything you need to know there. As Honeypie suggests if you find out he's married block him without saying a word. He'll figure it out.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (31 August 2019): Its amazing how much you can find out about people online. I would do a bit more googling to see what else the internet turns up just out of curiosity but if it shows he is married then don't waste your time on him.
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female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (31 August 2019):
 Would I wait to see IF he EVER decided to tell me?
HECK NO!
Have you looked him up on social media? If not, why not? I'd start there.
The fact that you HINTED at your "research" and he ignored it, doesn't it tell you that unless you ASK straight out, he isn't going to tell you?
He knows you could be onto him and he CHOSE to say nothing.
1. I'd check out social media ASAP. If you saw a marriage record that could be his you ALSO knows his "potential wife's name" which means you can search her too.
That should without doubt clear it up pretty fast.
2. IF he is STILL married to her, I'd block him, delete ALL info and simply move on without telling him. YOU DO NOT owe him an explanation. He would have guessed what's up anyways.
Don't be naive and think that he hasn't brought it up because it's not important or he is now divorced... He hasn't brought it up because HE doesn't WANT to.
WHO has dated someone for 3 months and NOT been told they have been married and divorced? That sounds weird to me.
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female
reader, Youcannotbeserious +, writes (31 August 2019):
 Are you seriously asking that last question? How long would you propose to wait? You need to know NOW.
You've been going out for 3 months. In that time, have you not been to his house? Have you not met any of his friends or family or work colleagues? When you talk, have you not even asked him about his previous dating history?
If your gut instinct is telling you something is wrong, I would listen. It's there to protect you.
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male
reader, Indiglorex +, writes (31 August 2019):
Considering you've already been seeing him for 3 months, I think it's appropriate to ask him about his past."Have you ever been married?" is completely innocent. Just find a good time to do so. In person too, as texts can be ignored.
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