A
male
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:How can I support my gf in losing weight? We are long distance and see keeps mentioning to me she feels fat. I used to mention it about 2-3 years ago, I said please do not let it get bad. She went slowly from size 10 to 16. And now pushing 18. Her clothes have become baggy, and to stop her complaining I took her shopping and helped tell her choose and told her she looks stunning in bigger dresses/clothes. I honestly don’t mind her size 16, I find her beautiful, what puts me off is her lack of confidence and way she acts. For example we come home and she is just massaging her belly proud of her fatness and it really turns me off. She finds it funny to eat greasy fatty foods in bed than rub her belly with no regard to what I might think. I just smile and hug her.. Again fine. I noticed her lack of energy, and laziness. I mention it to her, she says she finds it hard not to eat junk. That’s fine, I accept it...sometimes. Sometimes I get so annoyed of eating food, I jus sit there and watch her. I dont tell her she can’t eat. For example we can go out to eat, I’m okay with sandwich. She wants full burger, fries, sides, chicken, drink. If I eat that, I won’t eat until the next day. However 20mins later she wants to eat desert. I don’t say a word I take her to eat desert and I don’t eat anything there whilst she eats 3/4 of a desert for 2. . She doesn’t let me take pictures of her but the food is okay to take picture of . Worst of all: this summer we didn’t go to the beach. If I mention it she has excuses. She is head of heels in love with me but if she was why wouldn’t she look after herself. I also feel like so much money is being spent on junk. I mention to her I worry how she will feed our kids and she says she will be okay than. How can it be easier when you have kids to the time your basically living alone with no issues? I jus worry sometimes and it stresses me out. I wish one of her girl friends would help her, as I can’t stand her excuses. She always has excuse. Sometimes I feel shallow so I try to make it up to her. But It gets to me and I don’t know why. Perhaps because I seen bigger girls more active.
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female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (4 September 2019):
 You miss the point, OP. While undoubtedly a certain percentage of people, including a certain percentage of Dear Cupiders, would agree with you that keeping oneself fit and in shape ( I don't add " healthy " on purpose because a person can be very healthy AND a size 16 ) should be among everybody's top priorities , - the fact remains that for your GF this is not a priority. And, that she is not a minor, or feeble-minded , and you are not her parent or tutor ;so you cannot choose for her what she should eat or what she should wear. If she had ASKED you to support her in her weight-loss goals, we would be full of suggestions. But she did not ask you anything similar , so stay out of her business. Either you can accept her the way she is ( but for real !, not just paying BS lip service to what can make you look the good , supportive, enlightened partner ) , or you cannot, and if you cannot, just leave her alone. Simple isn't it ? Why make it so complicated.
You like slim girls ? Great; now go out and get yourself one. Same as your seven friends did. Why don't you too ? You can't force change down anybody's throat, they have to want to change by themselves for themselves. Bullying or cajoling or pestering them into doing something for your benefit, which they would not do for themselves, is both pointless / ineffective AND a blatant lack of respect for them. People don't HAVE TO conform to your wishlist. You are free to step away from them if they don't fit your criteria.
As for " stats ", I guess you don't remember , OP, but I do ; in one of your numerous posts, you happened to tell us your height and weight at the time… and let me tell you, you sounded painfully thin. It wasn't you , you say ?.... Oh what a bizarre coincidence then; then we have another male poster in your age range from your same country with your same problem ( and the same turn of phrases in describing it ); only that he is ALSO too skinny .
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 September 2019): You don’t want her to be ‘healthy ‘ you want her to LOOK a certain way for YOUR viewing pleasure . A way that fits in with your sexist views of how a woman’s should look ! If you wanted her to be healthy , that would include her mental health and wellbeing and that would include having a partner who didn’t talk cruel rubbish about her and her body on the internet !Some very important questions for the OP that it would be great to see answered honestly? Did she ask for your support ?How is you trash talking her body contributing to her mental health and empowerment as a woman What do you respect and value in women in general other than their weight , and how their bodies look ?And most importantly what do you value and respect about this woman you claim to love ?
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 September 2019): Considering you clearly feel so repulsed by her and her body I assume you are not using her for sex ? Right ? If you are possibly saying all these absolutely horrible things about her and her body AND still continuing to USE her for sex that would be an extremely scummy thing to do I assume you have been upfront and honest and told her that her body turns you off and that you won’t be fake and have sex with her and use her body like a sex toy whilst thinking how horrible she looks to you ? Correct ?
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 September 2019): Why is a woman’s body any of your business . If you don’t like it move on . I can promise you there will be PLENTY of men who will happily take your place and not talk crap about her
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (3 September 2019): I know females get sensitive and start shouting “shallow”, yet miss the whole point. I’m confused about a previous post, weight stats ? It’s unhealthy to be out of breath when you climb some stairs when your so young lol. I guess I am selfish if I want her to be healthy, no one is asking her to be size 8 again. Annoying thing is a few years time, kids will come than no doubt the woman will balloon to 10+ dress sizes. Who cares about shape than? It’s just work and kids. So forgive me if I asked for partner in shape after years of struggling working hard so we can have the future together. Shame the other 7 friends with partners, on days out don’t seem to be having any issues. Their men don’t have to spoon feed the fact you can’t live on a junk diet. It’s just me. Anyway like you guys said who am I to stop someone from being unhealthy and destroying their body. People seem to celebrate laziness. Fatness is accepted even more, the healthcare system is overloaded with fat people with problems because their bodies can’t take the abuse anymore.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares +, writes (3 September 2019):
OMG, you are almost obsessed with your Gf's weight, aren't you ? As anon female reader noticed, you are a repeat poster, every time you tweak a little your story and / or you embellish it a little (.. since you got a lot of flak the first couple of times ….) to make it sound that it's all about her health and
wellbeing ,and not about your personal preferences… but the gist of the story is still this : unluckily, you don't like this girl. You don't like fat girls, you don't like lazy girls, you don't like girls who do not invest much energy into being in shape, you don't like girls who obviously love their food… You don't like HER: she grates on your nerves, that's absolutely visible in what you write.
Look, it's fine. You do not have necessarily to like couch potatoes or rubenesque bodies. You are entitled to your tastes and preferences. Some people may accuse you of having shallow criteria for choosing a partner, and maybe they are right, I could not say, but- at the end of the day you are the one who has to go to bed with this girl, and the one who, in theory, should father her children and share a whole life with her.
How can you accomplish the first one ( sex with her ) and plan the second ( marriage and kids ) with a person for whom you so obviously feel resentment , annoyance, contempt, and a bit of disgust too, is beyond me.
She is stubborn because she does not want to compromise, and you are worse than her because you want to give a looks and life make-over to someone who does NOT want to be made over.
Leave her alone ! Let her go ! Find someone who is more in alignment with your tastes, and let the poor girl free to find another man who has no issues with weight ( such men exist ). At least you can stop pretending with yourself and others that you do not mind her gaining weight and that you still find her beautiful etc.etc. Come on, that's just not true and you know it. How do I know it too ? Simple : if it were true, that you don't mind her size change and that you still find her as attractive as when you met her…. you would not be writing several posts to Dear Cupid about this weight problem. Because there would be no weight problem to talk about !
P.S. In one of your old posts you gave us your stats from which it resulted that you were seriously underweight. I hope you got that fixed in the meantime, otherwise , before going to work on other peope's weight, you should begin with working on yours first.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 September 2019): Shes only gonna get bigger. I speak from experience. I used to eat like that, and just kept on getting bigger. She’s probably lacking motivation in life. Encourage her to pursue stuff that interests her. That will take her mind off food. For now it is her only comfort, entertainment and enjoyment. That’s a tough loop to get out off. Very addictive!
Also try talking to her about fasting. By the second day her cravings will be down. By the fifth day she won’t care too much about food.
Good luck!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 September 2019): If its only a long distance relationship why are you trying to redifine her?You sound ok but technically you're smouldering with resentment.Perhaps you are mainly L.D.R.but this belly rubbing with greasy food that she does at home is making steam come out of your ears.Maybe there's stuff you do that annnoys.I can only guess what it is but clearly as you get to know a person better you get to know their strange quirks.Maybe your girlfiend is unhappy due to stress or depression.At worst youre not suited and you should let the 'long distance ' become more of a thing and the 'relationship ' bit become a little less important.Maybe you could try being honest and tell her she might find it easier to loose weight with a group, even an online one for weight loss.In these groups no one ever jeers at anyone, mainly because everyone has been in that same place in life at one stage or another.No one ever suggests not loving a person because they no longer conform to a stereotypical imagine of what a woman should be!Maybe your girlfriend needs the help of a weightloss group because people always loose weight once they join and share tips and anecdotes.Some people put it all back on if they dont like the skinny look, but by then it is a choice, not a box ticking exercise.If your girl was complaining on here about the girth of your manhood or similar perceived 'flaw' what would you say?And if she thought your bed habits equally disgusting would you expect an overdose of sympathy?Are you sure you are compatible because you could both start afresh?Or are you secretly wishing she would have the figure of a younger person forever whilst you yourself are developing a little less youthful look of your own?Maybe you need to look just as closely at yourself in case there's an area you are lacking in.Personally I'm not feeling the love!Why not get a nice greasy sweet smelling body oil and give her a body massage every second or third night or at least on the weekend and then you might find youself slip slidding into a happier state of mind.Womens bodies are different to mens and most people appreciate the difference.So maybe you need to ask both her and yourself if you are happy in yourselves and in your life right now and then project yourselves forward to being the people you want to be.Its understandable that you dont want her weight gain to impeed your lives, but you need to be clear what you mean.When a woman gets pregnant she forgoes a lot of lifes little luxuries in order to bring a healthy baby into the world.And not going to the beach is frequently one of those things.But I think you're muddled.You're lying when you say you like her how she is and also you're giving her mixed messages.And if its long distance she might be eating to fill the lonliness.I hope you are both ok if you intend to make this a serious and lasting relationship.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 September 2019): If she is massaging her belly and showing you it certainly doesn’t sound like a lack of confidence . The way you talkIt sounds like you are the one with the problem with her weight not her . It sounds like you take great notice of what she eats and her clothing size etc . The fact of the matter is that you CANNOT control somebody elses body and what they choose to do with. You either love her AND are attracted to her or are not . You’ve told her how you feel and that’s all you can do !Continue to do what you feel is best for you and your health and if she agrees it’s also beat for her she may do the same .Otherwise she will make her own choices for her own body BECAUSE despite what society tries to tell everyone about women’s bodies IT BELONGS TO HER not to any man or as an ornament toBe looked at ... and yes that includes even if she wants to treat it good or bad
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 September 2019): I think you will find you get the same answers as you got the last time you posted this!Basically end it and let her find somebody who loves her for who she is and can support her!Why on earth should she change for you? She should change for herself and nobody else. I noticed this time around you tried to clean it up a bit and come across a little more selfless but the shallowness still shines through!
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