A
male
age
36-40,
*akeSim
writes:I'm currently in a relationship with a girl (I'm 17 and shes 16, I'm a junior she's a sophomore)l that I do really like but lately things just haven't been working out. I think I may have found the exact reason why...This is actually my first real relationship and I think I got way to obsessed with what a relationship is like and I think because this is my first relationship, I feel like I want to see what other people are like. But at the same time I feel like I don't want to lose someone like this because she is just amazing to me. She's smart, she's nice, she's caring, she goes through my anxiety attacks with me for a good portion of the time were on the phone. I just don't understand what other girls would do this for me. Also he personality is awesome and she's loved by a lot of people.But even though I feel this way for her, I feel like nothing is working mainly because I am way to curious what else is out there. My mom had suggested an open relationship but I honestly don't feel like doing that sort of, mainly because this girl has said how much she cares about me and I'm the best boyfriend she has ever had. So why would she want an open relationship. :(last night I took a break and then about an hour later I called it off because I talked to a grandparent ad said it sounded like I am screwing with her head, it sounds like this because I tell her exactly how I'm feeling, I'm completely open to this girl and I've told her at times that I have been uncertain about our relationship and at tomes completely sure. So I called the break off and we came up with the conclusion to talk less and limit talking to just calling at night unless we have something we really want or need to talk about. There were other reasons as well, I told her that I feel like I'm doing all the work to see her all the time and just doing what she wants even though she does do things I want to do. I told her about being curious about other girls as well.So would a open relationship be a good idea here? Would I be playing with her head even more? I'm scared to lose this girl but at the same time I can't enjoy it because I'm WAY to curious. I feel like if I do this I will never find anyone like her.
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male
reader, JakeSim +, writes (9 March 2010):
JakeSim is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI'm still broken up with her but I'm really considering asking her out again. Sure, she has flaws, but everyone does and I still can't stop thinking about her even though i'm handling it ok emotionally. I felt like I wanted to see other girls and I still do, but that doesn't mean they will all be like her and that they can go out every day. I love her for her and this is who I want to be with from what I'm feeling right now (even though those other thoughts). Even though I got stressed out in the relationship, I can't stand staying away from her in school and it's hard to not feel the same as I did when I was her boyfriend. Even though my feelings are still mixed I feel like I should try again and tell her the possibilities and everything before we decide. I won't if she doesn't accept it. I want to give it another shot and just get over being selfish. I need to take care of y anxiety/OCD so everything doesn't get so difficult as well.
May I get some opinions?
A
female
reader, jc82 +, writes (9 March 2010):
 Hardly anyone feels good after a break up. You said the fact that she checked up on you after you dumped her shows how awesome she is, and I agree she must be an unselfish and very caring person, but its also kind of indicative of how much you depended on her emotionally, and how much she liked taking care of you. That is all well and good for a while, but maybe you were quite right to break it off and try to take care of yourself for a while. AND to see other girls. Focus on the reasons for the break up and build relationships with others. Don't continue to rely on this girl emotionally, try to be independent. Good luck!
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A
female
reader, TasteofIndia +, writes (9 March 2010):
 Ya know, you always want what you can't have. When you had her, you wanted the single life, when you're single, you want her. That's a "grass is greener" totally normal syndrome. I think the best of us experience that at one time or another.
You're bound to miss her if you break up. That's natural. You just need to weigh out what you really want here. Maybe this break will show you just how much you love her and want her exclusively. But, maybe once feelings and emotions settle down, you'll be curious about your new single life. And, seems like you should be... it seems that's something you really want to experience, and hey - you should. Give it a few days to breathe and figure out what it is you really want. However, if you do go back to her - BE SURE. Positive! You can't get back with her, just to break up with her again. That's not fair to her at ALL. That would just be cruel. Don't be that guy!
Good luck.
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A
male
reader, JakeSim +, writes (9 March 2010):
JakeSim is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI broke up with her yesterday and she checked up on me later that day. That alone shows how awesome this girl is. But after it happened I didn't feel upset and I didn't feel happy. I now talk to her in school and it just doesn't feel right, I miss the touchy dwelt side with her. I have never actually been just friends with her. I knew her for 2 weeks and then asked her out.
Now I feel like I still want to try other people but I feel as of I wouldn't be as happy with them. I am constantly thinking about my ex, I have no idea what to do. I really want to get the thought of other girls out of my head. I miss her and her comfort and I have no idea what to do. I feel like of o get back into the relationship right away I may feel the same again, I don't know. I just miss her but at the same time it's like whatever but I can't stop thinking about her.
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A
male
reader, uncutdan +, writes (8 March 2010):
 Hey buddy,
If you want a relationship with her you need to tell her exactly what you are asking us. Communicate with her. She might be feeling the same way you are and is just as afraid as you are to say something. If the relationship ends then it would have anyway. Being able to communicate what you are thinking to your partner is important, if you aren't able to your relationship is doomed. If you do communicate and she isn't receptive, your relationship is still doomed. The truth isn't always popular and is hardly ever easy.
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A
female
reader, TasteofIndia +, writes (7 March 2010):
I could not agree with RCN more. So, in lieu of writing what he said again, I'm just going to suggest you read his twice.
You're normal, and a 17 year old being curious about what's out there is what most 17 year olds are doing. However, open relationships often end up hurting SOMEONE. Having cake and eating it too never works out, at least not for long. So you're going to have to either be happy with your current situation, or break it off and explore relationships.
Good luck, sweetness!
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A
female
reader, jc82 +, writes (7 March 2010):
Sorry if this is overly blunt, but you sound like you are thinking and obsessing about her and your relationship way too much. Maybe you need to calm down, and quit looking at the relationship as a problem that needs a solution. Relationships aren't that clear cut, and there are too many variable to "solve" them. I know this is not easy when you are new to the whole thing, but you might benefit from just "seeing how it goes". Let things happen, following each desire that occurs to you, until you turn around and realize that most of your decisions have been made for you, just by following your desires. Even your interests and desires regarding other girls. I'm not encouraging you to cheat, but feel a bit more free to flirt and build other relationships. YOU AREN'T MARRIED!
Your both very young, this very likely will not be your last relationship, so do your best to make sure you are enjoying yourself, and not wasting your time full of worry and dissatisfaction. If you do that, you'll regret it.
Don't worry so much about defining things as "open" or "broken up". Even if you try to make rules like that, things still won't be as simple as you'd like. If you feel that she likes you a lot more than you like her, and you want to spare her feelings, truly break up with her. That means no contact, no entertaining hopes for the future. After some time has passed you could try to rekindle a friendship, but there would have to be some separation.
Truthfully, few of us are forever scarred by our first relationship, so don't take it too seriously. Have fun, be considerate, and... did I mention have fun? :-) Good luck!
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A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (7 March 2010):
 If I were your girlfriend, I would tell something's off with you. I won't be too surprised you wanted to break up. Go do what you have to do and explore the world.
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A
male
reader, rcn +, writes (7 March 2010):
 Open relationships are simply, you're still together, but both are able to date other people as well. With her feelings for you and your feelings for her, how would you handle knowing she has a date with another boy? I can tell you, at this age, she'll be hurt with you having dates with other girls.
Your open an honest with her. That's a good trait to have, but how you state your feelings with the relationship can be damaging as well, even though it's not your intention. Stating your uncertain about the relationship is in a way saying, "I reject you." A better way may be, "I'm working through some issues, so where we continue our relationship, I will be a better boyfriend for you."
When you choose to see what else is out there, remember you're choosing someone other than her. The way you state your intentions are important because you don't want her to fell as if she's not good enough for you. I'd recommend you make a choice to either end this relationship and seek to experience with others, or to give this relationship your full attention knowing the experience will be better if you do so, than if you're in it with part of you withdrawing from it. Here's a bad example, but works in a sense here. I love steak, and pizza. When I'm having steak, I'm going to enjoy it, and not ruing the enjoyment by thinking of how I might enjoy pizza at that moment.
The part you mentioned that presents the greatest worry are your anxiety attacks. Sometimes, anxiety can be cause for this withdraw and confusion.
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A
male
reader, JakeSim +, writes (7 March 2010):
JakeSim is verified as being by the original poster of the questionEmily, i'm trying not to hurt this girl. I haven't treated her badly at all. I treat this girl like she is the world to me. I care so much about her, I am the most open to this girl then anyone else (besides my mom sort of). I share everything with this girl. I am most comfortable aroud this girl.
And I talk to everyone that I can before saying what I feel to her to make sure I don't hurt her. I know in confusing her but I feel like of I see other girls I will run back to her. I am not even completely certain what I want to do, but this is how I feel. I feel like breaking up would be a huge mistake and I even asked her truthfully if breaking up is what she wants to do. She said no. She wants to give this a try.
Maybe I did have unrealistic feelings of what a relationship should be.
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A
male
reader, Frank B Kermit +, writes (7 March 2010):
 You are 17, your profile says you are 22-25.
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A
female
reader, Emilysanswers  +, writes (7 March 2010):
"Being open" about your doubts sounds all great on paper but in real life it's incredibly incredibly hurtful. You don't talk to her about it till you are sure of what you feel. You talk to your FRIENDS for advice. Not her.
How many times have you been together and it's felt perfect and in her head she's wondering if it's all lies because if you were really feeling so happy, why would you be unsure.
You need to let her go. Not a break, not an open relationship. You need to split up with her and cut contact. You're messing her around and it will do serious damage if it carries on.
Split up go out there and start exploring the world.
You will feel this way again, first relationships always go on too long because you automatically think it's the best thing ever and that must mean she's the one you'll marry.
Stop hurting her and let her move on. She'll hate you, but she'll get over it. If you carry on then when this does finally end she'll be a bitter messed up girl and will put up with being treated badly by every other guy she's with as well.
Ideally she should be dumping you here.
Good Luck!! xx
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