A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:So I have a curfew. Tonight was my boyfriends birthday, so I went out. I told my parents I would be home by one, not knowing if that would happen or not. My boyfriend knows my parents are strict too, and that I had to be home. So, Im at the party and two oclock hits, and my boyfriend is drinking having fun,so I dont want to ask him to take me home, cause I feel bad. My mom calls me screaming saying how unreliable and disrespectful he is for not following my curfew. He thinks they treat me unfairly, I'm 21 and living at home. I don't know what to do! They hate my boyfriend and this makes me sad! Who is at fault here??
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male
reader, ChaseTerrier +, writes (7 March 2010):
Unless you pay rent too your parents, the rule of thumb is "their house, their rules".
A
female
reader, Angzw  +, writes (7 March 2010):
I agree with everyone that its their house, their rules. But when I was your age and had an 11pm curfew (yes, really), on a special night like this I would sleep at a female friend's house who had more flexibility on her curfew. So next time you are going to need to party all night, just leave in the morning for your friend's house and tell your parents you'll be back tomorrow. At age 21 they don't even need to know you will be at a party. Alternatively, when you see that your curfew is close, say 0045, just send a text saying "please can I be home by 2, the cake hasn't arrived yet". Or, "my ride home has asked to drop me at 3am is that ok?" Because if cross your heart that it will be 1am then they sit up and worry until you are home. But if you check in then they can be more at ease.
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A
male
reader, Honest Answer +, writes (7 March 2010):
 Its time for you to leave the nest. Like it or not, your parents need to understand that you are an adult. If they are unwilling to bend on the rules, it is probably time for you to get your own place. If you can not afford a place of your own, like it or not, you have to follow the rules.
My answer changes if you are paying rent. If you are paying rent, you have the right (like any tenant) to come and go as you please.
Good Luck!
Jeff
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A
female
reader, Accountable  +, writes (7 March 2010):
 I think as long as you're still living with them you are right to respect the rules and boundaries that they set, and if you don't like them, then, well you're free to leave as you ARE 21.
I dont think anyone is really at fault here, its just a difference of opinion. Your boyfriend reasons that you are an adult and should be able to make your own choices and things, and that is completely true, but by choosing to live with your parents you are consenting to their authority. So its within their rights to impose curfews on you, and they at least deserve to be told if you are going to be late etc.
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A
female
reader, Laura1318  +, writes (7 March 2010):
 Don't worry or be sad over such episodes in your life. It is just one of those things . It is not an earth shattering issue.
You have made a mistake and next time try to keep your promise to your parents. Next time tell them that you will be late without telling the specific time .
It was his birthday and you don't often come back late anyway.
You cannot change other people's opinion. Let them think whatever they want. You can't fight against them. In your heart, you know what is the truth . It is all a misunderstandings and in time , they will see the truth.
Don't go blame anybody or yourself. If you feel too constrictive at home , you may think of staying outside and have more freedom.
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A
male
reader, rcn +, writes (7 March 2010):
 When you told them you'd be home by one, you didn't state that it would be a tentative time, did you. Did you call them to let them know you'd be staying out a little later prior to 1 PM. You are still their daughter, so even though you are an adult, when you state a time to return home, it's common respect that you make it by that time, or notify of changes. I have three daughters, who are not quite of age to party, but I can tell you if they told me they'd be home at 1, and they weren't, I would be worrying if they were okay.
As far as this blame being placed on your boyfriend. It sounds like you didn't make an attempt for him to take you home at one, so it would not be his fault that you did not make it. If you didn't ask him with ample time to say goodbye's, and giving enough time to get home, then you tell your parents, you're to blame and not him, that you simply didn't make the request to leave. If you had, and he ignored your request, then that's a disrespect between you and he.
The bottom line is, it's your curfew, your responsibility. His responsibility is to you, not them, and by your decision to stay out later shall not be blamed for your choices or actions. And you know they are strict because they love you. When you have children your age, I can almost bet you'll have such restrictions as well.
As far as your comment with their dislike for your boyfriend. How often do you and your parents just sit and talk as adults? This is important to meet at the level of an adult friendship as well as a parent/child relationship. If you haven't yet, try it.
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A
female
reader, BettyBoup +, writes (7 March 2010):
 I personally think having a curfew at the age of 21 is pretty rediculous. Only because a lot of people are out living on their own at that age and at that age you are completely an adult, mentally and legally, and completely able to make your own decisions about what you do, where you go and who you are with. As adults themselves they should know that on a night out, sometimes the partying will go on for longer than intended. Especially if its a special occasion like a birthday. You shouldn't have to be worrying about leaving early for your parent's sake when you're 21, I personally think.
But you ARE still living under their roof and as long as you are you will have to respect their rules or you won't be able to live harmoniously together. It is a little unreasonable that your parents check up on you at your age, but to them it must be reasonable, so you will have to respect that. Your parents must be the kind of people who sit at home worrying about their child when they are out, untill they are home safe.
I have lived with my grandmother for a year when I was 21, after having lived on my own and I have experienced this kind of problem. Perhaps in the future you could compromise? Say to your mom next time you are going out that you think you will be home by 1pm, BUT that if the party goes on longer you MIGHT be out for longer. PROMISE to call her or send her a text, letting her know if you will be out later. Make sure you do this. This will make your parents see that you are thinking like a mature adult, respecting their feelings but also taking responsibility for your own life.
If they still over react when you stay out later than they want, perhaps it is time to fly the nest.
Good luck :)
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 March 2010): 'who is at fault here?'! you are! & so is your boyfriend! he sounds inconsiderate and disrespectful & i would be very wary of him. I'm sorry you feel sad .. that can't be nice but if your boyfriend's behaviour was better you wouldn't feel so sad. Have you ever stopped to think that they may have good reason not to like your boyfriend? You are 21 so you can get your own place if you can't respect their rules. Also, your boyfriend can get his own place? Does he have his own place and a job? If you live in someone else's house you have to respect their rules, for all sorts of reasons. Your mother might worry about you and also, she might be at risk security-wise because she needs to really be securing the front door properly (bolt/deadlock) before going to sleep to ensure she is safe at night. Also, mayhbe it's noisy when you come in late? Talk to your mother like a mature person and try to see things from her point of view. It is very decent of her to allow you to live at home at all. It is very expensive to live out in your own place and you have all your home comforts etc .. so I think you should be grateful. Many parents either ask their grown up kids to leave or charge them rent. I have two daughters at home (22 and 19) and they have to observe my rules. Try having some understanding re your mother - she will be there long after any boyfriends have gone! Why does your boyfriend need to drink and have fun all night? And also, just because he wants to stay out drinking how does that stop you from getting in a taxi home? I agree with the other lady Aunty BinBin who posted an answer to you. Be reasonable and try and see the wider picture. Your mother is not wrong. Take care
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A
female
reader, Aunty BimBim  +, writes (7 March 2010):
 You are 21, an adult. If you don't want to live by your parent's rules you can move out into your own place. Otherwise, as long as you are under their roof you need to respect their requests. You knew you wer eexpected home by 1:00pm and yet you did nothing about that because you didnt want to ask your boyfriend to stop drinking. You could have put other plans in place before you went out, organised a lift, or a taxi, if available, or even asked a parent if they would come and collect you.
When you are unable to sleep because you don't know where your child is you might understand where they are coming from.
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