A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Hello allI have a very sad story to tell and I need some advice as I am at breaking point. I have been tested HIV positive recently, and that was already really hard to deal with...I had a boyfriend and on the day I found it out, I cound't bring myself to tell him so my best friend did it for me....I would say his reaction wasn't normal....During our relationship, we went through periods of not being able to be together cause I had to travel to Venezuela, where I am from, to deal with family vital problems so I couldn't really choose, during that period of time we had a distance relationship. Once I was back in London, where I have been living for the past years,we continu our relationship. Then when my bestfriend broke the news to him the only thing he could repeat was "omg Mary has HIV" and "She got it from Venezuela, she got from Venezuela" many times... I didn't get it from Venezuela for the reason that I didn't have sex with anyone there. And I know he cheated on me on many ocasions, although he always denied the obvius. (Girls calling his phone, many hours of not answering,left overs of jewellry in his car and flat...). Before I had to go to Venezuela, he commented in 2 occasions "you can get HIV from mosquitos" and he was always bringing the topic of "There is a lot of HIV in South America"...I never understood why would he even mention the word HIV...He tried to convince me in one ocasion of how I could be infected by touching peoples hands with cuts or kissing on the face chick of another person that had a bleeding spot...Many nonsense like that he would come out with.... Then I started getting suspicious and spoke about with my bestfriend and she pushed me to the clinic. What happened after is him denying he has it, how he got tested 2 months ago and it came out negative, and that im a whore, and that he knows I got it form Venezuela, and that he knows he is negative cause he is lucky like that in his live... well I am completly depressed cause I believe he tried planting the seed in my head to go and get tested when he knew he had it all a long and now he is trying to blame me of all together. He told me that he went and did a test shortly and now his is waiting for the results and that if he has it is because i gave it to him...During the relationship he tried to trape me by making me pregnant and even he wanted to marry really quickly...Although I accused him of giving it to me, I expected him to be a man enough and be with me through out. Basicly, now I am waiting for him to call me with his results. And I have the feeling that we could either tell me he is negative and live me like this and after desapear or he can tell me he is positive and kick off at me... But i think he will deny it, cause he might be afraid of other people knowing like my bestfriend that knows all of his friends and he doesnt trust anyone...We had sex unprotected for 2 years, with moments were I could be bleeding, so how can he tell me he is negative??I m going mad
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best friend, cheated on me, depressed, hiv , kissing, period Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (15 February 2012): Your focusing too much on ifs, buts and maybe's. Seek legal advice as soon as you can.
The girl on FB was probably freaked out, I know I would have been, she may have thought you were bitter about the affair and lying.
Just get some medical help, counselling and sort out you, its a horrendous situation and you need to look after yourself as priority.
A
female
reader, Miamine +, writes (15 February 2012):
 Yes I hope the truth comes out one day too. In the meantime, have they given you details of the Terrance Higgins Trust, they have are the experts on HIV and Aids, and have counsellors available as well as information.This, who gave the disease to who is common, the "blame game". He needs to take this issue seriously. It's very easy to come up negative (false-negative) and have no sex but re-test again and come up positive. HIV can (If I remember right) lay dormant for up to 5years. He really needs to contact any woman he's been sleeping with and women from his past. If you have told him and he does nothing, but does have HIV, he might be liable for jail if he infects somebody else.I've also known one person to test positive twice and then on re-test to come up negative twice (rare case) Anyway the counsellors at Terrance Higgins will help you with your situation and help you to make sense of it all. http://www.tht.org.uk/
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female
reader, AuntyEm +, writes (15 February 2012):
 I agree with the previous post, you need to seek proof of his HIV status via the legal system. You have every right to seek out the source of your infection and this is the line you should be pursuing. Without evidence you cannot begin to deal with what has happened to you.
You are fixated on finding out if he cheated and trying to second guess his actions and behaviours but without actual proof that he does or does not have HIV, you will never be able to reach a conclusion.
Whatever the outcome, it seems the relationship is beyond repair and you would probably benefit by focussing on your self and your welbeing. Right now you are in a huge massive ball of confusion and you need professional help to make sense of everything thats going on.
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reader, anonymous, writes (15 February 2012): You should ask him to show you the paper work for his test results. Then see what it says if he does, if he won't show you that you should consult a lawyer and see what your rights are. If he has hiv and he knew, he most likely infected you and now he could be infecting more partners- people have been prosecuted for that I believe. You need to be tested twice in a several month period for accuracy.
According to this study the transmission rate can be much higher for heterosexual vaginal sex.
http://www.natap.org/2008/Trans/Trans_03.htm
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (15 February 2012): If he knowingly transmitted the HIV virus to you, then he is criminally liable; however, as the previous poster explained, it is very difficult to prove who had the virus first if you were never tested for HIV prior to starting a relationship with this man.
For a man, it's very hard to get HIV from a woman during normal vaginal intercourse. There is a study that came out in the 1990's in which they were able to conclude that it takes on average about 1000 sexual encounters with an infected woman in order for a man to get the virus. A lot of these studies were based on couples who lived together with only one partner having the virus. However, if a heterosexual couple is engaging in anal sex, it changes the whole equation.
This guy is either on the "down low" or a druggie who shares needles.
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reader, anonymous, writes (15 February 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI want to thank everyone for commenting in my post.... as an update.... he called me yesterday (monday) and told me" I got my reslults on monday and i am fine, I am negative" Ok, I think its weird this answer, cause if you guys read it again carefully you can see that he said Monday, why would he refer to the same day he was talking about by its name? Ok if today is tuesday and something happen to me I wouldnt say "on tuesday this happen to me" I would say "TODAY this happen to me" so anyway I don't think thats a normal way to express it, it seems to me that he had calculated the answer so much that he made that expresion mistake. Also I have been told by a neighbourd that he has seen him in many ocasions parked close to my house everyday at 6, because thats the time that i will be getting home from work, but latelly I have been coming back later thats why we havent bump into each other, he has been asking about me to my neighbour too. I dont know what to think anymore, but I have to keep on going and continu my life... I do think his behaviour is not normal at all, well it was never normal...Also I contact one of the girls via facebook that I knew he cheated with...And I contacted with her in the past and she said yes they were together. When I asked her if she ever did a check up after being with him and she replied yes and that everything was fine, and after disconected and took her profile out of facebook.She was also very open to speak up things and all of a sudden desapeard? Like if what I asked her scared her or something...I hope I will find the truth one day.
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reader, anonymous, writes (14 February 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the question@At male reader...I took a test 2 weeks after I met him, because I came out of a relationship...Back then it was negative, the reason I couldnt tell him is that I was sccared of his reaction, and also because he is very agresive, never hit me or anything like that, but his got a temper and half...if I was lying then this post I wrote would be pointless dont you think?
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male
reader, tux  +, writes (14 February 2012):
 Missy123, Sorry to break this to you but women do the exact same thing, they sleep around, get STDs and then have the NERVE to blame the men in their lives for their faults. It is not a gender-based trait, but rather a human trait. It's a scumbag trait and you are only trying to blame men for it, when it is also women doing the same crap.
As far as staying on topic, The question is did the OP get tested prior to her relationship with this guy? She might have very well received it prior and not realized it. If she didn't get tested prior, then he cannot be pinpointed as the source of her infection. Though, the story about what he said prior to the trip does sound fishy and he may have known prior to that that he was HIV+ but there is no evidence in when he knew. If he got infected after their relationship started, then she was probably infected without his knowledge to begin with. Of course, his cheating would be the source of the infection and is truly horrible.
However, I don't think either side in this argument is in great standing to begin with. She wants him to "man up" and take responsibility, when she did not "man up" and take responsibility herself. She had her best friend tell him rather than her telling him herself.
Also, it may be very possible that he remains negative regardless of having unprotected sex with her for 2 years. The odds of catching HIV are actually surprising low, and lower in cases from female to male. Though, increased number of exposure does decrease those odds, but HIV can be odd like that. Though,based on her story, I would say that she got it from him. But if she didn't get tested prior, it would be hard to pinpoint without going through both of their sexual histories.
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A
female
reader, Anonymous 123  +, writes (11 February 2012):
 This is actually a horror story and I am so sorry for you OP. But now that the damage is done, please focus on the bigger picture. Your health is of the greatest importance from now on. This asshole is NOT a part of your life anymore and what he does/doesn't do is of no concern to you. He will probably lie but how does that even matter? At the end of the day everyone who matters to you knows what the truth is, and what a bag of shit this man is.
Start treatment as soon as possible, research the internet, do whatever you can to fight the disease.
All the best to you
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reader, anonymous, writes (11 February 2012): That low down dirty guy knew all the time that he was HIV positive That's why he was throwing out hints like mosquitoes and cuts.He needs to be turned in to Police, so everyone he slept with can be tested. I hope there is a cure. Keep checking the Internet for when it happensDon't just take the doctor's word, you might just want to learn all you can about HIV and that ways you can be helped to copeGood Luck
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A
female
reader, AuntyEm +, writes (10 February 2012):
If he has infected you, it's going to be very hard to find out or prove, even though all his actions point to highly suspicious circumstances. The main thing is that you get help in coming to terms with your health status and learn how to live (healthily) with it.
If he has got HIV and he begins to blame you, then you need to think about what sort of a life you are going to have with this man in the long term and consider the point, that if he knew he was HIV positive, at some point he took the decision to infect you and change your health forever. I would imagine when you have come to terms with that fact, it will be the deciding factor to end the relationship.
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (10 February 2012):
 Yep I agree he KNEW he had it and set you up to be tested and blame it on you.
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reader, anonymous, writes (10 February 2012): So sorry to hear this , I hope you are getting medical help and counselling. You have every right to be angry.
I also hope this man, if tested positive, contacts every woman he has slept with since he has had it.If it is him,and he has known his condition, then he is completely and utterly selfish and irresponsible to put it mildly.
You need to focus on yourself though and coming to terms with it. X
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (10 February 2012): People get HIV from others, and are not diagnosed for years afterward.
If you bf is HIV positive, you still won't know for sure that you didn't get it from someone else, unless you KNOW your status when you entered the relationship, only then, assuming you were negative, and didn't get a blood transfusion or have some other exposure (sexual or otherwise), can you be certain it came from him.
No, mosquitoes don't give people HIV.
People give people HIV.
If he is negative, then you got it somewhere else...and he is lucky to be negative.
But, if he is a real tricker, and he is positive, and is on HAART regimens, with antivirals, he might even test negative on HIV-Ab test, but he is still infected.
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A
female
reader, Missy123 +, writes (10 February 2012):
Wow this is a heartbreaking story that happens all too often. Men sleeping around, catching something, sleeping with their significant other and passing it along...and then have the NERVE to blame us, the women and tell us that we're the ones who did something wrong or slept around. I having a feeling he is going to deny having it, most likely because he is ashamed of his infidelity and mistake of sleeping sleeping around. If he would have been mature enough, msn enough, to stay faithful even during the periods of time when it was long distance, neither of you would be in the situation. It is not your fault and you need to be strong for yourself. Leave this loser, you may be able to press charges, here in the USA if a person knowingly has AIDS or HIV and doesn't tell the person they are sleeping with, they go to jail for a long time. I don't know how parliament works in London but if it's a similar system I would try it. But you do need to go to a doctor or specialist and get a second opinion, get another test done, just to make sure, false positives happen often. And if it does come back positive for HIV again, then you need to get yourself medical attention ASAP. But seriously, leave that guy on the side of the road, he is filth and doesn't deserve you. I wish you the best and hope you make the right decisions
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reader, anonymous, writes (10 February 2012): I'm sorry you are going through this, it sounds like a nightmare. I'm not sure what to think- it sounds like he gave you hiv if he has been your only partner for the past two years and none of your other previous partners were infected. With all his mention of hiv and mosquitoes it suggests not only that he is stupid but also that he was trying to plant the idea in your head about how you could have contracted it and that he already knew he had it. It's disgusting that he would continue to expose you knowing he had this. I'm not sure what the legalities of testing are now- if you think someone gave you hiv, can you find out their results now if they have been a sex partner? You need to worry about yourself now and your health and start treatment as soon as possible if you haven't already. Good luck.
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