A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I am a mature student and I have been friends with a guy that teaches at my uni (he doesn't teach me) for about two years. We meet up frequently and email back and forth on almost a daily basis. I talk to him about absolutely everything and have always thought I could trust him. I figured I must have his trust too as he has shared a lot of personal information with me (I mean like childhood memories, problems he has with other people etc) and has turned to me in 'times of need'. He really is very sweet and attentive and does all the things that one would expect from a good friend however, I have recently discovered some things that make me question how close we really are... For example, touching has always been 'out of bounds'... I mean that he actively avoids it. I didn't really mind (I figured it was something to do with professionalism) until I discovered that he seems to have absolutely no problem in making physical contact with other students that he is not so friendly with. Also, although we meet frequently, we always meet on campus (although outside of working hours) which again, was always fine until I discovered that he is willing to meet others off campus. Furthermore, I have never asked for his mobile number, as he has said (in a discussion relating to someone else) that he doesn't give his number to students. Again, I don't mind that I don't have his number, but it turns out that others do and that he offered it... meaning that he lied to me. He also lies about me... I have heard him tell people that we are meeting professionally rather than socially (we have not met professionally since we first met) and actually lying about how much time we spend together. I just don't understand it! In all other respects he is the best friend anyone could ask for. He has always said that he would be there for me whenever I need him and he always has! Why would he behave differently towards people that he does not (according to both parties) have the same close friendship with? Why would he lie to me and to people about me? Is he ashamed of being friends with me? Can I really trust him? I hope someone can give me some advice, as I am really hurt and don't know what to think. Thanks :)
View related questions:
best friend Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (12 February 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI'm really not interested in dating him and haven't ever indicated that I would be. I have just come out of a very difficult relationship (he knows and has supported me through it) and as a result, I am not interested in dating anyone at the moment. I wouldn't get involved with a tutor anyway... I don't think there is a rule, but I take my studies seriously and wouldn't take the risk. I don't think he is married but I can't see what difference that would make! We are just friends after all! If he does think I have somehow misunderstood that, why does he not change his behaviour towards me? It just doesn't seem plausible! Also, I can see what you mean about drawing a line in the sand, but why does he not do this with other students? Especially as it was him that first described us as 'friends' (rather than him being a friendly tutor, if you know what I mean). Thank you for all your answers. I really don't think he 'likes' me in that respect and I can't possibly see how he would think I 'like' him. I guess I will just have to ask him!
A
female
reader, Miamine +, writes (12 February 2012):
 Relationships between students and teachers are always difficult no matter the age. You may not be his student, but it's still easy for other students to call favouritism, and easy for you to call rape.The advice as always is, don't date your teacher, for whatever reason they are not free to offer you an intimate relationship. If they are interested and you are legal, you can date when school is done.He's pulling away and he's hiding your relationship. It doesn't really matter what he feels, he is drawing a clear line between you, in public you are a student and he's not willing to take it any further or have anyone believe any different.There is a possibility that he's only offered friendship, and he is scared that you misunderstand and are falling in love.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 February 2012): Are you interested in dating him, or do you think of him only as a friend?
Does the university have rules against professors dating students? If so, even though you aren't taking any classes with him, he could be protecting himself (and possibly you as well) from whatever the consequences of violating the rule are--or the perception that you two are dating.
The "no touching" rule could be because he's very attracted to you and knows that he cannot touch you casually, the way he does with others. Again, if there are rules against professors dating students this makes sense, as does the "only on campus" rule. Meeting off campus could be interpreted as a date.
If there aren't any rules at your university against professors & students dating, then it sounds like he's married and trying to hide your relationship from his wife (and anyone who could tell his wife). The lying is harder to explain away and also makes it sound as if he's married.
Have you asked him about this?
...............................
A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465  +, writes (11 February 2012):
 You ask: "Can there not be any other explanation for his behaviour?"
I can think of one; That his WIFE told him that, if she ever caught him fooling around with one of the coeds on campust, that she would cut his ba*ls off!!!!!
This guy is 'way too complex for me. If'n you were my sister I'd repeat my earlier reply.....
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (11 February 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWow! Two very different answers! I don't think I categorically shouldn't trust him... perhaps I should have worded it as 'should I trust him as much as I do'? Also, I am pretty convinced that he does not want me any closer than he has me... I did wonder that, but there are times when he actually pushes me away (so, will not talk to me at all for a week or two). I am pretty sure that means he does not want me any closer. I have asked him about the latter and he said that I was being insecure and that he was just busy. I accepted this, but given all the stuff I mentioned before, I wonder if I should have... As I said, I just don't understand it. He really is great in all other respects and not having him in my life would certainly be my loss. Can there not be any other explanation for his behaviour?
...............................
A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (10 February 2012):
Let's go right to the heart of the matter. Using your words: "Can I really trust him?"
No. Dump him....
Good luck...
...............................
A
male
reader, JustHelpinAgain  +, writes (10 February 2012):
Hmm, you would be much better off asking him rather than us! what you describe can be interpreted in many ways, good and bad! It sounds like you care for him and want to be more involved? maybe he does too but is afraid to make it public from fear of rejection? I suggest you go out together and work out if you both want the same thing.
...............................
|
