A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:my bf cheated on me 6 months ago with his best girl mate who he promised me it nothing ever like that between them. he told me half an hour after it happened and said it happened for literally half a minute, when he realized what he was doing he said he had never regretted something so much in his life. i didn't dump him for it because i love him and i believe everyone deserves a second chance, but i have recently realized i just don't trust him. i tell him i do but i just really don't think i do. i haven't told him that i still think about it all the time because we have been through a lot and i don't want to argue and i love him more than anything in the whole world, but i don't know what else to do... HELP PLZ!!!!!
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 March 2012): Ahh, yes so sex with this other girl took 'half a minute', but what about the years/months/days/hours he was attracted to her, the hours/minutes the kissed or held each other leading up to sex and the minutes it took to take off their clothing. The act might have taken 1.5 minutes, but there was a lot of time leading upto it where he could have stopped things. Honestly, its time to move on. You're doing yourself a disservice staying in an unhealthy relationship at such a young age. There are millions of boys out there, why stay in a relationship where you're dealing with cheating.
A
female
reader, Deagan +, writes (2 March 2012):
 You need to fix a few things here. First of all, you are telling your boyfriend that you trust him when you do not. I think that's the very most important thing you need to be addressing it right now. You need to make it clear that you love him, you believe in second chances, but you do not trust him. All this time he's been thinking that things are okay between the both of you. If you tell him the truth, hopefully, he will try to gain your trust back. If you are truly an important person in his life, he will work to make it right again. And even if he works on it, there will always be a part of you that doesn't trust him. Every time he doesn't answer the phone, one of the first things that will come to mind is that he is being unfaithful again. Those thoughts will always linger, and you have to realize that if you continue to date him, but if cares for you, he will be doing anything he can to minimize your fears and distrust. It can take a long time to built that trust back, but he has to be patient with you.Lastly, if you continue to date him, you have to be clear with him that he does not get another chance next time. If he isn't patient with you gaining his trust back, or he doesn't work at gaining it back, then you have to consider cutting your loses and ending it with him, because it's a sign that he's taking you and the relationship for granted.
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (2 March 2012):
 It's okay! You can give a second chance without trusting. Love and trust are not one and the same. A second chance doesn't automatically mean that trust is granted.
You should be honest and tell your boyfriend that you don't trust him. It's okay not to trust him.
Baby steps must be taken by both of you to walk the very long path of trust. Think of it like a skyscraper that's been imploded from the inside. It can explode in 5 minutes, but it takes 5 years to rebuild.
I disagree that trust can't be fully regained. I think it's good to be optimistic, but it takes patience, faith, and dedication by both to walk the path of truth every single day. On rare occasions, something like this actually eventually draws a couple closer together, but it takes patience with yourself.
Tell him the truth so that both of you can be part of the solution of building trust. If it means that he no longer has contact with his friend, so be it. Whatever has to happen, it will happen.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (2 March 2012):
 I can tell you this about trust....
it's like a china tea cup
you can break the handle and mend it so that you can't SEE the crack but it's STILL there AND the teacup is more likely to break there again...
in other words,
once broken trust is never fully REGAINED
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A
female
reader, babygirllovej  +, writes (2 March 2012):
 Hello,
What made you realize that you don't trust him? You said that you've been through a lot together...is everything Ok now in the relationship? Have you been fighting together a lot? Is his behavior making you uncomfortable and leading you to worry about what he is doing?
My advice right now would be to be honest with him. Stop saying you trust him when you don't. It's only going to hurt your relationship with him more to lie to him. Since you clearly don't want to leave the relationship the only healthy thing is to stop obsessing over what happened. Accept that it happened, he regretted it, and move on. Otherwise it will destroy your sanity.
Without more information this is the best advice I can give at that moment.
Good Luck!
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A
female
reader, Rozet +, writes (2 March 2012):
 Well first off, he trusted you enough to tell you his mistake instead of hiding it. Trust is not just given to you, you need to earn it. Cheating on you made you lose his trust which is understandable. Give him some more time and see where it leads. If he does cheat again then leave him. People are humans, and humans make mistakes that we wish we could take back but we just can't.
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A
female
reader, Fate100percent  +, writes (2 March 2012):
Well when you decided not to dump him, you effectively told him you forgave him and were willing to forget it...You obviously haven't.Did you discuss it? Did you ask everything you needed to about it? (I mean no holds barred conversation?) If you want to truly move on, you need to have that conversation, you need to ask what you want to, he needs to answer honestly.Has he given you any reason to think he has done it with someone else again? Some people do make mistakes, and I agree we all deserve a second chance. But until you can confidently draw a line under it, it will drive you bonkers.Note he didn't have to tell you (would you have found out otherwise?)But he did and very quickly too (it may have been guilt on his part, I don't know, but at least he risked losing you to be honest.You need a 'cards on the table conversation' one night, every question you want answering answered, then you can decide to move on with him, or if you truly can't forgive him, you only have the option of ending it. (Someone can only tell you so many times that they are sorry, it was a mistake, and they'll never do it again... and even the guilty party will get tired of being questioned all the time)Trust is the ultimate thing in a relationship (imo), if you feel you can't trust him ever again, you will have your answer. x
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