A
female
age
30-35,
*iamondshards
writes:Really important- please read.I'm writing regarding an issue I feel it's really serious. I live with my mother and father; whilst I adore her, I never bonded with my father. He is essentially an extremely narcissistic person, who's the center of his own universe and thus never had enough time nor space for me. I remember that, as a kid, I tried to make him love me, but he was always too busy with his job {bs, he worked very little and was home early afternoon every day} and then his illnesses {he's had a heart attack and various other conditions} to really spend time with me. His way to show me his supposed love was through material objects- gifts- that I never really cared nor wanted: spending money on me was always much easier than spending time with me.As years went by, our relationship became increasingly strained, because I gave up trying and just shied away from him. I started avoiding him because he had been the one to reject me first. As a result, I also developed somewhat of an abandonment issue. All the while, he stopped working because his health got worse {years ago} and the three of us have always been stuck at home all together ever since.He makes living with him extremely hard. He's controlling over the smallest things which hold no importance whatsoever {where you put the plates after you dry them up, the position of the carpet's fringes and so on}, just because he has to feel as though he has all the power. You can't have a conversation with him because he never lets anyone talk, and if you disagree with him it is because you're stupid, and a kid who doesn't know everything. He's essentially always right, perfect in every way, shape or form, and if you try and act according to your own will -which usually differs from his- you're wrong. I'm never good enough for him- he makes a point of stating how thin I am and how I should get meat on my bones or no guy will ever want me, how my hair is too long, too dark, how I'm too pale...Essentially, everything I am is usually wrong and not how it should be. I'm pretty, I know I am, good looking guys told me so, but never once I hear a compliment coming from his mouth. If he does comment on my appearance, it is to state how something is wrong with it. {He does, to be fair, recognize my intellectual qualities- though those are hard to deny, given the fact I score constantly the highest grade on my tests.}His relationship with my mother is even worse. He yells at her every time he feels something's not done up to his standards, belittles her, and she lives in a constant attempt at trying to tiptoe around issues that she knows will make him blow up. As in 'dinner has to be ready by 7:45 pm or he will yell at me and I don't wanna hear him.' 'I have to put these away immediately or he will see something out of place and complain about it.' She seems to think that, if she avoids annoying him, he'll be bearable, but we both know that is a lie- if he's in a bad mood for whatever reason, he'll find something wrong anyway and use that as a chance to let his frustrations out on her.I've tried- I've been trying for years- to get her to divorce him, because life around him is truly bad. I never succeeded- I still don't know why, since she doesn't love him anymore in the least and wished him dead to finally be rid of him- but today he crossed the line. We were having an argument over a trivial matter {changing the door lock because of some thefts} and I sided with my mom and told him he was only doing it because his sister -my aunt who lives in the same building as us- is doing so. At this, he became red as a tomato, his eyes nearly popping out of his head and grabbed me by the forearms and shook me, trying to make me inch back to the wall behind me. My mom got him off me and then he proceeded doing the same with her, I yelled to let her go and got him off her. He had already raised his hand to blow a hit when he backed off, only because my mom threatened him with her shoe. Afterwards, he was angry at ME because I was staring at him with hatred in my eyes, stated that he only yelled because we hated him and ganged up on him, that we made him, and that he never touched us, he never grabbed me nor her, no, we were crazy in stating it had occurred. I proceeded to yell at him everything I wrote above {how he overlooked me as a child etc.} and that if he ever so much as dared touching us again I would have made him regret ever being born and that I would denounce him and he replied that I'm crazy, a snake he raised, a harpy, that he was so disappointed in me, that it was all my mother's fault for my hatred toward him, that he's a great husband because he never cheated on my mother and a great father because he never got home drunk, hit us nor raped me. Adding that it was me, shifting the problem and blame on him.I went straight to my aunt and uncle, explained the situation and they promised they'd talk him into getting medicated for his clear psychological issues- clearly, sedated. They'd tell him it was either him admitting he has issues that need to be dealt with with meds or that it was my mother getting a divorce. They'll talk to him tomorrow. I'm not entirely sure what I should do. Even if he does admit he's the one who has issues and gets medicated, will that be enough? I know that after today, I am seriously sickened and disgusted by him- he sickens me and I do not wish to have to walk on eggshells for the next two years, hoping one wrong word won't make him blow up. I also don't intend to let him destroy my mother any more- she seems to be considering the divorce thing now, mostly because I'm really pushing it, but is also scared that he would never let us be, and we'd have to move away in order for him not to come after us. She also seems to be willing to wait more and see...up until he really does go through with his physical abuse, I suppose. I don't want for things to go this far though, I can't see why we should let this leech suck away anymore time from our lives, nor can I live in constant fear of angering him somehow and God knows what will happen then.My questions are...1} Would what we have been through all these years be considered psychological abuse? 2} Would what happened today, considering he didn't actually hit us, be considered physical abuse? {My aunt/uncle/ even my mother seem to think this is more of a warning sign...I disagree. Abuse never gets better, only worse.}3} Would it be safe for us to keep living with him, if he did accept to get sedated and maybe therapy?4} What should we do if he doesn't? Would it be safe to keep living with him? My mother seems to think he's scared enough now that he won't attempt to again, since she told him we'd leave afterwards and he relies on my mother for every basic need...Thank you if you made it to this point.Your answers really matter to me- I don't know if I'm blowing things out of proportion like my parents seem to imply or if I'm the only one willing to see the truth.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 March 2012): Hi
Sound's like things may begin to look up, I am very happy to read how you all have spoke openly and honestly about positive change. You should enjoy a good physical outlet like self defence and don't forget the healing power of dance, it has so much to offer in healing...I would check it out you may be suprised. I hope you reach all your aspirations in life I am sure you will...because you are going to feel so much lighter when all the hurt feelings subside and any energy can be spent on you. I send you a rainbow hug for healing and hope you have a happy full life :)
I hope dad gets help and his health improves and mum starts to get stronger and feels better about herself MAYBE you should ALL try dance therapy as a family :)
Spunky Monkey
A
female
reader, Miamine  +, writes (3 March 2012):
 Thank you for your kind reply and the further details. Again, the only thing I can suggest, is with the support of your mother and the rest of your family is to get your dad to a doctor and check for any possible mental problems.Next contact a woman's shelter, or if you and your mother have enough funds between you, to leave and persue a divorce once you are outside of the house. She should not try to divorce him until she leaves. "Angry hateful daughter" wasn't meant as a criticism upon you, it was more a factual statement about how you feel about this man.The reason why I'm urging you to contact the women shelter's, they can help you and your mother to leave safely, and they can tell you what to do to stay hidden safely. It is dangerous for your mother to consider a divorce whilst she is still in the house, based upon what you have said. If she is there only out of fear, then again, as you say "stockholm" means she might not be able to leave. Yes I know the housing situation is bad, but your leaving might prompt her to go as well. Could you stay with family, could you share rent with friends. Maybe if you provide her with a safe shelter, it might convince her that she has no need to stay. Start investigating these things, and make sure you tell her what your doing and what you have found out, she must have evidence that you are serious and things cannot continue as they are.Anyway, the women's shelter are the experts. Check online. They will tell you what you need to do if you can convince her to leave this man. With their help, and maybe with the doctor taking care of him, there might be a solution in sight.The problem as you know, abused women don't seem to want to leave, and even when they go, they often go back, so you really need to make sure your mother is willing and not saying or doing things just to please you. Lean heavily on your family, they also have a responsibility to you and your mother, and if your father knows that they are aware and are willing to interfere, hopefully his behaviour will get better.Reading over it again, your father is frightened of you, and I can see why your reluctant to leave. Not sure about kicking him out, I have a feeling that he will come right back, even with a restraining order, and the courts will be reluctant to jail an old sick man. Same thing applies if you want to kick him out. Whose name is on the property, does it belong to him or your mother? He is too sick to work, and there are no records of you or your mother having to attend the local hospital for unexplained injuries. The government and police will be reluctant to get involved. A restraining order would need some evidence of fear or violence and your mother would have to stand up and tell everything and be a witness. Is she at that stage, is she willing to do this.Please continue to update your post, hopefully the influence of your relatives will have done something. But in the end, your mother will have to gain the courage to end this, or you will be forced to leave, or stay and continue to live this way... sorry
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A
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reader, diamondshards +, writes (3 March 2012):
diamondshards is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you everyone for your time and thoughtful comments. @Deagan: I doubt his issues do come from the inability to work- he never liked having to do so, even if his job wasn't extremely demanding; personally, I think his issues come from his childhood, rather.I will watch out, I fully intend to take a self defense course, not only for this issue, but to be better prepared and safer in general, as well as let up pent up frustrations. Also, I will keep adults on the loop, as you suggested- I've told a couple of my closest friends too, just so they know, in case something does happen. Surely the fact we're in a Catholic country makes it less quick and harder for couples to divorce, you're right- and my father claimed many a time he didn't divorce my mother because he's a Catholic, meaning he wouldn't make it easy for her to either. Thank you again for your words and worry, it means a lot to me.@Denise32I agree that, whilst he does have reasons to be frustrated and such, that doesn't give him any right to take it out in such a manner over us. We are thinking about moving out, starting to look for hotels and places to go to etcetera. We'll see how it goes when he gets the help he surely needs, and if such an event had to happen again, we will be gone for sure.Thank you again.@Miamine:I get how things must look from your perspective, truly- that for her to have stayed this long with him she must love him and I'm just a pushy person trying to force her to do what she doesn't want to and wishes to prevaricate her as well.First off, I think that, when one is an abuse victim, which seems to be the case here, having someone that 'makes you' leave your abuser is actually a good thing- many victims suffer from Stockholm syndrome and deceive themselves into thinking they love their abuser. ANYWAY, this is not the case here. For as long as I can remember, she's always resented him deeply, several times she said she couldn't wait for him to die in order for her to be free from his grip and says that, whenever he's not around, she feels alive and well again, like she's worth something again. Therefore, no, she doesn't want him in her life at all- she just stayed out of a number of factors {pity for him, which is now over; because that's what she was supposed to do, her duty as a wife, according to old standards; and not LASTLY, because she's also afraid of what he would do when he's without her- as a matter of fact now she's saying it's not safe for us to stay in the same town as him if that does happen}.I did stop and think about what made him like this- I don't know what kind of back story your mother had, I'm sorry to hear it's an awful one that caused her -and thus you- pain, but I can assure you my father hasn't had any severe trauma in his life. Having three other siblings, he probably did suffer because his parents' attention wasn't entirely on him, but I know they did love him very much and never treated him badly. {I also talked about it with his sister, so that's why I can state this.} Again, he probably felt a little...overlooked, because he couldn't be the only one his parents looked at, but isn't that very common, to be a little jealous of your siblings? My grandma and grandpa also always looked after all their children, so it wasn't a Cinderella/evil stepsisters sort of issue either- it was something I'm sure caused him some discomfort, but not nearly enough to justify all the issues he has, imo.The reason I stay at home -I'm about to turn 22, btw, I'm not verging on 26 either- is that rent here is too high and I can't afford to live on my own, also seeing as I'm still in college and jobs are very hard to find, which I'm sure you're aware of, here more than elsewhere. Also, the chance of me moving out has already caused issues with my father- he doesn't like the idea of me not being here anymore, at all. Also, this would mean leaving her with him only and I don't want to do that. Her 'way of handling it' after I'd be gone would be the same as always- pretend she doesn't hate him, pretend she doesn't feel like living with her makes her feel like she's worth nothing and just take whichever yelling he has in store for her. Now, I may as well be, like you say, just 'a hateful angry daughter', but I'm not thrilled at such a scenario. 'Am argument that got badly out of hand' is not how I would define someone grabbing you by the shoulder and trying to push you against a wall after you disagreed with him over something {because that was everything I dared to do, I did not insult him, insinuate anything- simply I said that I thought he was changing the lock following his sister's example.} To each their own views, though, of course. Again, I get that from the outside things may seem different, and I thank you again for your willingness and time.@Anonymous:Like I said above, money issues, made worse by the fact that getting a job in this economy and country has become even harder.No, he has never hit her nor touched me inappropriately, thankfully. You are right in saying I harbour resentment toward him, as well as frustration that has built up in years and years; they do say there's no such thing as cold as love turned to hate and God knows I did love my father. I agree that I need to release all this anger and frustration- this is partially why I plan on enrolling in a self defense course, because I feel like some 'harsh' physical activity will be a good, safe outlet for my pent up emotions. Trust me, I will gladly let go of all of this once the cause of such frustration has been removed. I'm also sorry to hear about you having it harder than me- which I'm aware many do, of course and unfortunately so.We did talk to my father and he claims he will remove the cause of fights between us all by trying not to be so overbearing about details, as well as visiting a doctor to start a cure- so I guess we'll see how this goes. Again, thank you all for your input and time, they meant a lot to me.
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reader, anonymous, writes (3 March 2012): HiVery hard times and yes i do understand your feeling's however i question why are you still living at home as a young adult yet old enough to be independant? I question why your mother lets you do the pushing for divorce and she has not pushed it herself if life is so hard? The physical abuse you can finally get him! I do understand some of your feelings and emotional pain but at the same time the resentment that spews out of you (quite natural)has to be kept in check. Years of this build's bad feelings and BLOCKS ENERGY obviously your mother hates him aswell you say...so she is WRONG FOR STAYING.So why can your mother not change her life? Domestic violence yes can be fatal but has your father been secretly hitting your mother? has he touched you in an indecent manner? You have hatred for your father rightly or wrongly ...you blame him for your lack of love..failures...your whole exsistence..and future..you attack him covertly at every opportunity and he KNOWS...you blame him for your mother's hatred....You need to release the hurt and anger in a safe enviroment this is not LIVING AT HOME WITH MAMA AND PAPA...mum needs to get wise and get strong and change her situation HERSELF....you should stop causing trouble by your comments that you know will rile him. You would quite happily STAY for the grand final of seeing him fall..but it won't happen..you need to heal and see your OWN HATRED before it chews you up. You should become everything you ever dreampt about and leave hatred behind. You can't hide the truth from me, because I walked in harder shoes than you, from year dot full of abuse and know all to well the truth of your pain and suffering....heal yourself young lady by understanding life for many of us is hard in different ways but resentment ONLY RUINS US... NOT THEM... THE ENEMY!!!!!!change the battle game because you can not will not win...resentment is a sword that you fall on.Good Luck with YOUR LIFE please move out and start healing by letting the past go..you do have a future. Let mum live her life how she chooses and i am sure the aunts and family will look out for her instead of you..Spunky Monkey.
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reader, Miamine +, writes (2 March 2012):
Your very clear that because of your father's behaviour you have abandoment issues. But did you ever stop to wonder what made your father like this? Obviously he has problems, but your mostly concentrating on his affect on you. What are your grandparents like, how was he raised, what issues did he have to make him like this? People get damaged, and then they go on to raise damaged children. My mother has several issues that cause me pain, but I spent a lot of time trying to understand what caused her to be like this, and yes, her story is terrible and would be enough to drive anyone insane.
Your mother for whatever reason loves her husband and doesn't want to leave him. She could have left at anytime, she doesn't want to and you can't make her. Aged 22-25, there is no reason for you to stay at home and put up with his abuse. But it's his and your mothers house, it's not yours, you are living there only because they allow you to.
I have a strong feeling that your father probably suffers from OCD and it's more than just bullying, he has a mental need to have things put in the right place, including the way that things should be done or said.
Your mother as you have said, is now considering divorce, but only because your "forcing her", again, not what she wants, only what she is told to do, your mother is a people pleaser and no one seems to be considering what she wants to do. In this, your behaving a little like your father in not really considering your mothers feelings.
I think your father is sick, and words like leech don't help. You don't like him because of his behaviour, and you want him gone. You can't do anything because your the daughter not the wife and you don't have a right to live in that home. Ask your mother to go to the GP and tell them about the violence, they might be able to section him and then they can apply assessment and treatment.
I'm a bit concerned what your mother will do after the divorce, do you intend to stay with her for the rest of your life. If she's only staying because she's frightened then that's a whole different thing. You say she is waiting but she could be also waiting for you to leave home and then she'll try to deal with it the way she always has. Ireland should have some women's shelter's, contact them and ask for help. What I see is an argument between a sick abusive man, and an angry hating daughter that got badly out of hand. Again it's your mother I feel sorry for, stuck between to very emotionally volatile people. Doctor's and the women's shelter should help, and so will the rest of your family. But again, please make sure that this is what your mother wants to do.
Yes your father's behaviour is abusive, but there seems to be more to the story.
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reader, Denise32  +, writes (2 March 2012):
 Yes, your father is definitely abusive. Certainly he is and has been for a long time verbally abusive to both your mother and you, and has been on the brink of hitting you - as you describe in your post.
I know he is most likely frustrated due to his inability to work and earn a living, plus his ill health, but that is no excuse to make life unbearable for you and your mother.
Is it possible for the two of you to move out and go find somewhere else to live?
The only other thing I can suggest is now that you've talked with your aunt and uncle see what intervention they are able to make.
You also might want to find a sympathetic counselor who can point you in the right direction in dealing with your father, and provide emotional support as well as giving you information about the local authorities to contact.
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reader, Deagan +, writes (2 March 2012):
 There's definitely a lot of psychological issues going on with your father; he seems to be miserable and angry, and he's taking it out on you and your mother. A lot of these issues could be coming from the fact that he's disabled and is not working- he probably feels worthless and useless, and he feels like he can't control it. But it's awful because he feels the need to be in control, and it's unfortunate that the two things that he's trying to control are human beings.
Your mother seems to be protecting him and trying to cover up the tracks, so what you need to do is tell as many adults as possible. It seems like your aunt and uncle want to help, so you need to keep them in the loop.
To answer your questions-
1. Yes, it's definitely psychological abuse and I'm truly sorry to hear that you have had to endure that for years. But you seem to be a very intelligent, strong girl with a good head on her shoulders. Don't let your father bring you down with his constant criticism.
2. He didn't have a chance to hit you or your mother, but he's certainly heading down that path. Watch out.
3/4. No it's not safe living with him. Ideally he should be forced to stay away from the both of you because he tried to hurt you both. Your mother should consider kicking him out and filing a restraining order or locking him up in a mental hospital to seek treatment. Your mother seems to be protecting him, and even though you keep telling her that she needs to leave him, she is the one that ultimately decides. You should consider moving out. Can you live with other family members for a while?
The other thing you should consider is that Ireland marriage laws make it extremely difficult for a married couple to get a divorce. Your country is heavily Catholic based, there's no need for me to tell you that, I'm sure you knew. But your country being so heavily religion based, it does not offer an easy way to divorce. That is possibly what is holding your mother back.
Once again, I can not stress enough that you need to keep family and adults in the loop. The more being involved, the more chances that your mother's friends and family will be able to persuade her that she and you are in danger.
You say your aunt and uncle will be talking to your father tomorrow, stress to them that your well being is being threatened. And once again, consider your options. Start considering if there are any family members you can move in with for the time being.
Best of luck. Keep up updated if you can. I'm worried for you.
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