A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:[Moderator Note: If you don't have anything helpful to suggest then don't waste your time replying]Hi, I did something stupid, please don't judge.Right well, I've been with my girlfriend Vanessa for about 4 years now. I'm 32, she's 25. Everything's been going good, except for the past 2 years Vanessa has been on a birth control pill. We've talked about it and she always says that she's very busy with her career right now (she's a lawyer's assistant, trying to become a full time lawyer), and she doesn't want a baby.Well I do. And I've always been quite afraid that I'm getting older. I don't want to be 50 when I have my first child! So, a few months ago I did something bad.Whilst Vanessa was at work, I was home and noticed her birth control pills in the cabinet in our bathroom. I took them, flushed them down the toilet, and replaced the pills with sugar pills of the same colour (I work at a hospital and have access to all sorts of pills).Well three days ago Vanessa found out she was pregnant, and she's been crying ever since. I feel dreadful. I know she's pregnant because I switched out her pills (though how could she not notice?!) and obviously she doesn't want a babyI keep telling her it'll be fantastic and we'll raise a wonderful baby and she just keeps crying. I feel like I should tell her what I've done, but I don't want her to tell me to bugger off and die (as she's done before!)...I'm afraid as hell she'll break up with me. I'm going mad with guilt though. ANY ADVICE?
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at work, the pill, want a baby Reply to this Question
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 March 2007): screw forgiveness i hope she breaks up with you but at least you showed a shred of decency by coming clean. i am with rhythmandblues2 100% in relating rape with your actions. get some therapy for your control issues before you go back to working with helpless hospital patients.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (18 March 2007): For what it is worth, I was not trying to be unkind, or was I? Sometimes they say you have to be cruel to be kind, and really I am very concerned for you, not just your girlfriend, I can't imagine what tormented ideas made you go to this extreme to get your girlfriend pregnant. I think you did the right thing by telling her, but that is where I drew the line on my advice, I cannot take responsibility for telling you to come clean if it would mean the end of your relationship with her, only you can decide if you are willing to accept those consequences of your behavior towards your girlfriend. This is serious, and I can uderstand completely your girlfriend's reactions, hopefully, you can sort it all out and she can forgive you, as your intentions, allthough terribly misquided were to seal the deal between you both....humans do some stupid things, and after all none of us are perfect. As long as you do some serious soul searching and come to some conclusions about how you are going to be with each other going forward and how you will treat others in the future, then all is not lost.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (18 March 2007): Hello all,
Thanks for your kind (and not so kind) words. I know, I don't deserve any sort of coddling. What I did was unforgivable, disgusting and completely out of line. I may have ruined the life of a girl I love very much.
I came clean about it this morning. She was furious. She packed her bags and told me she's going to stay round her sister's house in Sussex for a while. Fair enough. She phoned me when she got there and said she'd be home "to sort this out" in a few days.
I don't know what's going to happen. I'll update you all in a few days when she gets back. Thanks much for the help.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 March 2007): I can't believe you would steal someones life like that. It is her body and her choice whether or not to have a baby and you completely took that choice away, immaturely might I add. And you are supposed to love her and raise a baby with this girl? She's only 25, fresh out of university, she probably had other plans for a couple more years. I think you should really think about what you did and whether you respected and loved her when you gave her the placebo pills.
And I think that you should tell her what you did. Don't just blurt it out, but she needs to know the truth if you two are going to have an honest relationship. I would start with how much you love her and how much you have been wanting children and see where it goes from there.
Good Luck.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (18 March 2007): Apologies for some people giving you their opinion of how terrible they think you are, how unhelpful...
I have thought about this for the morning and I feel that if I were in your situation, I would tell her. The reason is that I don't think I could deal with the guilt of knowing the truth for the rest of my whole life. Could you? Do you really think it will get better or will it nag on at you forever?
This mistake may cost you big time, however I do think you will feel better being honest. And whatever happens, even worst case scenario, things will work themselves out in the end - as they always do.
So be honest, let the guilt free. I wish you the best and hope things work out how you want them to.
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A
female
reader, x.Helpful.Cupid.x +, writes (18 March 2007):
 Ok..
So what you did was kinda stupid, but you cant really do anything now..right? So just tell her to calm down & talk to her & explain that a baby wont mess up her career, & give her some time to think.
& remember, DONT FIDDLE WITH PILLS IN THE FUTURE
xx
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A
female
reader, Seratuki  +, writes (18 March 2007):
 Wow..I've seen people do that sort of think in like...movies, I never thought people actually did them tho...
I wouldn't tell her, she's already overly emotional and upset, couple that with her hormones going crazy and she's likely to fly off the handle at you.
Give her some time.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (18 March 2007): I honestly don't know what you should do about telling her what you did.....that is between you and your God or what ever higher power that you believe in.
What I find very very disturbing is that you would change a medication, just because you could, because you work at a hospital and have access to these pills....you obviously have some real control issues, God issues probably from working in a hospital and dealing with life and death every day....I worry for the patients that you have access to these medications and feel that you can make decisions for others without their consent....this goes against every thing that you are agreeing to by working in a patient care hospital, if your employer found out, you should be terminated, even though it was not a hospital patient that you did this to. Really, doesn't this scare you about yourself that somehow you gave yourself permission to act in such a devious, selfish manner?
As for your girlfriend, she did not want this baby, or she would not be on birth control pills, if you could not agree on having a child and you are not married either, then you might have decided to break up with her, as what you did is never going to work, if you tell her, she may never forgive you, she may leave you, what you did is akin to rape in my book, you forced her to be a victim of your control, how is this about love? How is this about bringing a child into the world in love? So yeah, this was wrong, if that is judging you, then I am sorry if you are too juvenile to accept the consequences of your own behavior......None of this helpful? How can we help you out of this mess? We can't, like I said it is between you and your God as to what you want to do now. You say your intentions were good ones, that YOU don't want to be 50 and have your first child....well intentions are not always what they seem, the underlying motivation was about control over her and her own body.
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A
female
reader, agony aunt j +, writes (18 March 2007):
 As scary as you know the consequences may be, you have to face them. trust me, whether she has the baby or not you will be carrying a load of guilt around with you for the next 20 or so years! You just HAVE to tell her, it's not fair. she could be blaming herself for whats happened, and yes she might get angry at you and tell u to bugger off and die but believe me, i think you'll feel as though you've had alot of weight lifted off your shoulders. What you did was wrong, yes, but you're still doing the wrong thing even now. you should own up in my opinion. if youre scared it will make things worse, tell her this. explain how you're feeling but at the same time understand she is going through a hard time so if she acts rash give her some space. she'll probably want some time to accept whats happened, and how she'll deal with it i dont know. But i definately think you should tell her. just be honest and respect her decision.
and we dont judge people:):):)
hope everything goes well!
:):)
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A
male
reader, maxsteel86 +, writes (18 March 2007):
 I wont judge you on what you did, you admit you did real bad and thats a hopeful sign. Since having this baby was pretty much not her choice and since she doesn't want it, I guess there's always the option of abortion.
And like Eve said, dont tell her what you did. It'll make things worse.
Another problem for you though is you're at the stage in life where you want kids. If she doesn't want any till she's around 35, will you be willing to wait that long?
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (18 March 2007): right, my girlfriend just told me off for my "rude" language so i apologize. whatever. you deserved it. and "sorry" about that part, too. tell her.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (18 March 2007): okay i just thought of another analogy. if she cheated on you, contracted HIV and then passed it on to you, would you want to know that you got it from her? or would you rather her stay quiet, support you quietly at your side, and have you think you somehow got it from working at the hospital? i mean, sure, eventually you'd find out when her hiv case becomes aids, but hey you'd be blissfully ignorant until then, right?
it's the same thing. hiv, unwanted pregnancy: both life-changing events. tell her. it's the right thing to do.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 March 2007): Tell her. I don't know what those women are talking about down there. This is a huge breach of trust and you should not skip around on it. What if she cheated on you repeatedly. Would you rather her not tell you? Tell her what you did and face up to the consequenes. Who knows, she just might forgive you and end up raising this child with you. The guilt you already feel will gnaw at you for the rest of your life. She is so close to reaching her dreams of becoming a lawyer. Let her know the entire story of why she has to make this difficult decision between a family life and finishing her career goals.
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female
reader, AskEve +, writes (18 March 2007):
 What advantage do you think telling her will bring? N O N E!!! It will only make everything ten times worse. She's crying because her priorities are now very different. Whether she chooses to have the baby is entirely up to her but I personally don't think telling her is the answer. Let her get used to the idea. She can still have the pregnancy terminated if she really doesn't want the baby.
This was really nasty of you to do this though. The relationship may still work, it may not, you'll just have to wait until all this sinks in with her, let her get her head around it. Just lets hope she doesn't take the pills to the doctor to have them checked or you're in deep shit!!!
In the meantime keep your mouth closed and say nothing! If you do then she'll go off on a tangent at you, break up with you for sure and god knows what else. At the end of the day, there's worse things than bringing a small baby into the world, she may even come round to the idea.
Best of luck and keep us informed okay?
Eve
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A
female
reader, xlindax +, writes (17 March 2007):
This was a terrible thing for you to have done and it is difficult to say what you should do. I think that if you confess to this terrible breach of trust that you have committed you could make the situation worse that it already is as your partner is obviously distraught enough as it is at this moment in time. I think that you should give your partner as much support as you can at this moment in time and make sure that you never do something like this again. What you have done is actually evil because you haven't given your partner the choice that she should be able to have about this situation and she may be someone who doesn't believe in abortion, in which case you have effectively forced her into having a baby that she did not want to have at this time in her life. Have you ever thought that your partner may have had important reasons for not wanting to be a parent right now? Some people want to hold this sort of this off for reasons such as feeling mentally not stable enough to be able to cope with the demands and pressures of a baby. You should feel ashamed of yourself.
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