A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Hi, I am 19 years old. I am married.I have been married for 9 months.my husband is in the military.We have been together for 3 years.We recently moved to Germany, for his job.He is at work.I stumbled upon a video of him masturbating on our computer.The only way it could be there is if he recorded it on his phone, then sent it to his email and downloaded to our computer.I honestly can not think of a reason that he would do that.We have a very good sex life. We are still in the newlywed phase, and I am down for anything, at anytime. ( so I don't think it is because of lack of sex)I am so hurt and confused. I can't talk to him about it because he will turn it around and make it my fault. I can't talk to anyone about it, because he is my husband, and all of my friends and family know him and I do not want them to think less of him. I am freaking out. So many thoughts are running through my head. I'm scared that I am not good enough for him. What if he sent it to another girl?That would completely crush me. I love him so much, and I don't want to lose him.I don't want to be naive, and be walked on for the rest of my life either. Should I ignore it and try to forget? Should I try to talk to him and discuss it rationally.Should I be angry and go back to the states for a while to try to get over it.Should i suggest counseling?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 February 2011): I urge you to examine your relationship very very closely.
19 years ago I found my husband made videotapes of himself masturbating and then would masturbate to the videos of himself. He wanted me to watch him masturbate to videos of himself masturbating. I begged him to erase the tapes so that our child would not be able to find and accidentally view them. I was shocked to find them later. He has evolved into a sick and selfish husband and person.
We are still married and the marriage has not been a pleasant one. I wish that
I had faced the reality of his total self obsession back then and not just given up
on getting out. Life is so frigging short. Be really careful about yours.
A
male
reader, Snowshoe  +, writes (25 January 2011):
 I agree that you should speak with him.
But first, are you offended or do just find it a little out of character for your hubby and therefore odd. Personally I think if you approach the subject with humour and an open mind you might have a really good opportunity to discover something new about him.
I also agree that Testosterone, training, and stress can make young men do weird things while on course.
I really think that if you can find something funny about this and then address it with him you might get a good laugh out of it in the end. Also you will get the most honest answer from him if you are able to appear open and non-judgemental.
Whether you like the answer in the end is debatable but at least he won't be hiding things and lying to you.
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A
male
reader, Cupid Boy +, writes (25 January 2011):
 I can see how it would be jarring to find something like that.
But it doesn't necessarily mean he shared it with anyone else. Some people just like to see what they look like on camera. It's kind of a curiosity or spectacle, seeing how you'd look doing something like that. It may turn him on as well. Testosterone sometimes makes people do weird things. That doesn't make him gay or unfaithful.
I knew a guy at work, with a gf and a normal relationship, who kept nude pics of himself on his phone. He works out and that was one way of gauging his progress. Of course, he probably also loved how he looked, kind of a narcissistic thing. Guys are more image-conscious today than they used to be.
That your husband transferred this video onto your computer may mean he wants to keep it long-term. Or watch it on a bigger screen. But it doesn't mean he sent it anywhere or is unsatisfied with your sex life. I don't think he needs counselling necessarily because he made one video. If you really want to know his reasons, then ask him. You're his wife, after all, and he put an intimate video on the computer you both own. For all you know, he might have known you would find it.
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A
male
reader, dirtball +, writes (25 January 2011):
 I think you should try to discuss it rationally. Things like this need to be discussed. If you don't attack him with it, hopefully he'll be willing to discuss it with you. Perhaps he had a plan for that video that involved you.
I don't want to lie to you, usually a find like this is a bad sign. The only reason for a video like that is to send it to someone, or someone sent it to him. Are you sure it's your husband?
Still, you'll never know unless you discuss it. His reaction will give you an indication of his intentions. The more guarded or argumentative he becomes, the more that reflects guilty feelings. If he's embarassed, that's a better sign. This is going to be difficult to talk about, but you need to address it before things get worse.
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A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (25 January 2011):
 I say keep this to yourself for a while longer. You recently discovered it and you are upset and confused. Let it be for a while and think about it and see what you think in a few days time. Do not act in the passion of the moment, think things through first.
You could also look for other signs. If you have reason to doubt his loyalty to you, look for other signs. Don't snoop, but just keep your eyes open. If you notice other suspicious things then talk to him about it. You HAVE to talk to him about it and ask these questions. If he makes you feel that you can not go to him with your concerns then you have a communication failure in your relationship that needs to be addressed as well.
But perhaps a logical explanation for this video will present itself with time. It could be you think this is the only way he could have gotten the video on the computer, but it could have been an old video for example? Or he could have others ways of getting it there that you are not aware of. It could have been for personal use, perhaps he was curious to see what he looks like when masturbating? Perhaps he thought you'd enjoy it and made it for you as a surprise? There could be many un-harmful reasons for why it is there. So for now don't rush to a conclusion. Just keep your mind open, and look for the other signs.
If he cheats, there will be other signs. If he's honest with you and loyal there will be many signs of that as well. If an explanation does not present itself by nature, then you have to ask him about it.
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A
female
reader, Battista  +, writes (25 January 2011):
Hi there poster.
First of all, just calm down because I think you are jumping to a few conclusions without any proof of anything bad. Just hold on a minute. For a start, what would you be going back home to "get over"? And moreover I don't really think counselling is necessary at least not a this stage. What sort of counselling do you mean? I am assuming marriage counselling.
Ok, the first thing that springs to my mind is, how old is your husband? Is he your age? 19 is young. My little brother is about that age. He and his mates hang out and do stupid stuff, play pranks on each other- basically they are just big kids in a lot of ways. I wonder whether your bf just did this more out of curiosity more than anything else, because he is essentially teenage boy. I don't know why anyone would do it, but hey, who knows. Teenagers do stupid stuff. That is just something that I thought of anyway. He might just want to know what he looks like- yes I know it seems far fetched but I'm just making a suggestion.
Secondly, you don't know whether or not he has sent it to anyone, but I think you should just ask him straight up. Tell him you found it on the computer and you want to know why it's there. I honestly think that is a legitimate question. Yes you are young but you are also married now so you need to be able to address these issues. Ask him what's going on with it. Then you can take it from there depending on what he says. You might want to post back a that point.
The most important things here is communication. YOu say that you can't talk to him because he will turn it round on you- well, that's too bad. You found it and you want to know what's going on. Think about it, what's worse, a row or this awful confusion you've got going on now. You are newly married and you need to be able to confront these issues, not sweep them under the carpet or run away. You have to learn to address problems maturely, and that means TALKING, however uncomfortable it might be. I would add that I don't think it's necessary to talk to friend and family about it- it's none of their business anyway, this is a private matter between you and your husband. Until you have more information, you should keep this between the two of you. Not only is it a private matter but he hasn't actually done anything WRONG as far as you know, so please bear that in mind at this stage.
Out of your suggestions, I would definitely go for
Should I try to talk to him and discuss it rationally?
YES
The other three are inappropriate at this stage. You don't know enough about what's going on to go home or suggest counselling, but it's equally important that you don't ignore these problems, especially at the beginning of a marriage.
PLEASE speak to your husband. Be rational, be cool, don't get upset because there isn't anything to get upset about yet. You've got a perfectly good reason to be curious.
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