A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:i have recently split with my partner of 4 years within that time we had a baby girl who is now 2. for the past 2 years we have been having problems and we fell out of love. since then i have been texting and seeing his brother and have fallen in love with him. we both have the same interests and he is honest with me about his feelings and say's he loves me too. this is the man i want to spend my life with but is it going to be complicated? is it wrong? no one in the family knows and we are waiting for a right time to tell them, what should i do? will it cause problems for my daughter do you think?
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male
reader, Danielepew  +, writes (16 June 2008):
 Irish said it better than I possibly could.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (16 June 2008): Ooops...error alert. First of all, "Daiel" should read "Daniel" (sorry, Daniel!) Take care, my dear poster and keep in touch.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (16 June 2008): Peter and Daiel give awesome advice. One has to think of everyone in this sitauation, so I commend you for posting and asking for thoughts and opinions. So here is mine.You need to tread very, very carefully, here. Your actions and that of your brother in law could adversely affect his family. We are talking about family unity and two brothers. Family unity includes time that family members spend together, both quality and quantity. It means maintaining family togetherness, solidarity, balancing family priorities with support for member's needs, producing strong family bonds. It means family gatherings, christmases, birthdays, thanksgiving suppers, backyard barbeques-the whole nine yards. Family means strong bonds of love and support...it means Grandma, Grandpa, cousins, Uncles and Aunts. I would hate to see the both of you and your lovely little girl, get alienated from that. We don't want to see a small child get tossed into the middle of a dicey family dispute between two brothers. Your child needs to flourish with love from extended family. Sides could be taken and fingers pointed. No family needs that type of stress and headaches. I'm not saying your love for this man is wrong or good...just realize the potential consequences of what you will undertake. The family may not even take all this into account. The fact remains, you and your partner lived in a home together, had an intimate enough relationship that produced a child...his child. In their eyes, this will likely be more about attachment, deep emotions, and will this cause brotherly feud that could get out of hand? And guess what, you stand to get the worst of it. The in laws may never choose between two sons, but they may deeply resent you! Are you prepared to live with that? I'm not saying this will happen but it needs to clearly be thought about. Many people could stand to lose and the worst casualty will be 'you' and the little girl. I think the best thing to do is..think of your child. Put her needs first. Get away from this family, and go it alone for awhile. Allow time for emotional wounds to heal. There will be fur flying and deep pain to all, if you were to quickly move into his brother's life. That could be a pretty huge nasty one to throw at his family. They will not take kindly to their son's being pitted against each other...no family wants that discord. Give this a decent time frame of perhaps 6months-a year and then re-evaluate the situation. Do some serious thinking and talk this out with your new bf.. Put your daughter's need first and allow some time for emotional wounds to heal. So with all that said, let's take a look at you and your feelings here. When one's needs for attachment are strong, sometimes the rational judgement gives way to fearfully unexamined emotions. It's when one doesn't consider the consequences of how a whole family could be hurt, how two brothers could be forever estranged and torn apart...it's at times like this that the consequences are rarely minor. Now, my best suggestion although you won't likely like it nor wnat to do this is:. Begin a new, refreshed life with someone totally unrelated to your husband or his family. This way you won't have to deal with the family upheaval of having a relationship with your husband's brother will ultimately create for everyone involved. Think and choose wisely, dear.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 June 2008): Personally, I think if you love this man seeing you happy will be good for your daughter. If he is a good, kind man he will only be a further positive role model for your daughter, and as she is only 2 years old it will just seem normal to her by the time she is older. Just remind her that this is her uncle/step dad and not her real father as to not confuse her.
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A
female
reader, Brigid +, writes (16 June 2008):
How long has it been since you split with the father of your daughter? I can't see anything wrong in your new relationship, but it would probably be best if things could happen slowly enough for it not to be too much of a shock for people or for them to think that something has been going on behind thir backs.
I think that you need to put some effort into making sure that everyone - including your daughter - is as happy as they can be with the situation. But you don't get too many chances of happiness in this life and you need to grasp them when you can.
Best of luck.
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A
male
reader, Danielepew +, writes (16 June 2008):
As Peter Pan said, it's good that you're concerned about your little girl. She is the one who has no defenses here, and the one who would be most affected. Though it's not only her who matters, she matters most.
That said, I think it's wrong of you, just as it is wrong of your brother-in-law, to entertain a relationship. Sorry if I'm blunt, but you need to hear it from someone. I wonder if you have any sisters, but, if you do, would you go for your sister's man? What do you think your sister would feel? What would happen to your daughter?
I can understand your having an attraction. In the end, we're all men and women, and men and women are meant to sleep together. But your acting (and here I mean both of you) on this attraction is plainly wrong. There is plenty of other men around.
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A
male
reader, PeterPan  +, writes (16 June 2008):
 This situation is difficult to get a perspective on. First thoughts on my mind would be to ask how well you relate to your in-laws (or former in-laws, I guess). If the still respect you relate well to your daughter, then that's a good start. Another related question is how well the brothers relate to each other; would a relationship with you and the second brother cause friction in the family... which then might be reflected on your daughter.
The principle concern is focused on your daughter, which is good -- I think that's appropriate. It might be strange for your daughter that her uncle is now her step-father, but children seem to understand more than we give them credit for. As far as being wrong, I don't think so. I think I have more issue with the clandestine developing relationship. I would solve that problem first, then if your relationship is acceptable to the in-laws, then progress from there.
Best wishes and good luck!
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A
female
reader, tammye17 +, writes (16 June 2008):
 Ok.....before we get to conclusion's you reaaly have to think about this....When you'r hurt and lonely anyhting may seem apealling to you...and if this is something that yuo think is jusy going to be a fling then don't...have you confronted your ex about this??? are you sure his not in love with you no more....because if he is the you should wait..also take into consideration the time that has passed...but if it's real what you feel then go ahead by all mean's.....but i think you should wait before you decide to tell anyone.
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