A
female
age
51-59,
*erlosastar
writes:Should I marry my boyfriend? Reasons for I love him and know he loves meHe is willing to take on my thirteen year old daughterHe loves my familyHe cooks well, hahaHe loves my cookingHe is warm and loving in his ways generallyReasons againstHe is ignorant at times, forgets to do stuff when he has other entertainment ie Facebook and staying at his ex wife's house to look after their three kids while she is away in London with her new boyfriendHe still runs round after his ex wife a bit, she has a liver problem but is well enough to party when she feels like itHe has a low sex drive and only does one positionHe is not vocal about loving me often and is very quiet ost of the timeAgrees with everything I say but does what he wants
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ex-wife, facebook, his ex, sex drive Reply to this Question
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 March 2013): Negatives have more impact on a relationship than positives. So it is the negatives you need to pay attention to, to see how bad they are, how much they bother you, and whether it is something you can live with if they never change.Running around after his ex wife, and being passive aggressive (being a yes man to your face but then turning around and doing something else) are big red flags to me. Resolve these first or be sure you can tolerate them if they never change, before marrying him. Having a much lower sex drive than you is also a potential damaging issue that breaks marriages apart after a few years (just look around this forum) .
A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (17 March 2013):
 Can you live without him? Yes? Then don't marry.
When it's right you'll feel it. When in doubt.. it isn't right.
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A
female
reader, mystiquek  +, writes (17 March 2013):
 I mean this with absolutely no disrespect but when you are on the internet asking total strangers if you should get married..then the answer is a huge NO!
If you don't read any one else's post and take it to heart..make sure you read Soveryconfused. She is telling you things exactly as they are, not pulling any punches.
I am incredibly sad reading her post because I've been following her story since she first came on DC and cheering for her, I wanted her to have a happy ending. As you can see, she married someone exactly as they are not expecting changes, and it isn't a bed of roses for her.
I am in your age group, and I do understand your confusion and uncertainty, but the bottom line is...if you have any doubts...don't do it. Marriage has enough problems without adding doubt in it right from the start.
Don't even consider marrying someone thinking that they will change. The odds are that they won't change and you may discover even more things about them that you don't like. You either love them just as they are, or walk away.
And trust me, if you are dissatisfied with sex NOW..the odds are heavily against you that it will get better. People don't like to change, its hard to do and most people just don't want to make the effort. Please keep this in mind.
And as Soveryconfused says, remember you have a daughter, so think very carefully how this marriage will effect her. She has a right to be happy too.
I certainly wouldn't hurry things along in this relationship ..if you want to stay with him, take it easy. You don't say how long you have been with him??
I wish you all the best. I do hope it works out for EVERYONE.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (17 March 2013):
 if you have doubts and you ask strangers on the internet the answer will be no do not marry him.
I have to tell you this in all honesty... if you were 18-30 and never married I'd say NO. But you are a parent and of an age where you have experienced life. I get why you are asking. We can't make the decision for you. If it was me I'd probably marry him. If the good times outweigh the bad and you can deal with the sexual drought go for it.
I never questioned if I should marry hubby 1, 2 or 3. They are all ex husbands. Current husband.. so many things wrong with him I can't begin to list them. I knew this going in and I knew it was insanity to marry him. I did it anyway.
1. I'm 53 and my children are grown and not impacted on his behavior. I would not in any way shape or form subject my children to a man with bad behavior. If he mistreats you in any way (passive aggressive behavior such as you have listed is one way.. or is not vocal etc... whatever he does that you accept is what you are teaching your child is acceptable behavior in a partner.
2. sex will become a bigger and bigger problem for you. It may lead to finding other men so attractive you begin to question your choice in a mate. I married my husband knowing he was the WORST lover I have ever had. I miss a lot of things about my sex life now... but I knew this going in and I knew it would become an issue but I can handle it.... sadly while I can handle it, I'm not thrilled about it and I miss aspects of my former sexual life that I will NEVER have again. Are you willing to NEVER have variety and frequency? If so, then marry him.
3. If he is not emotionally divorced from his ex wife, he's not emotionally available for you. You say he's available for her.. well they have children together... do you think that his being around and available for her is about HER or about the kids? My first husband and I had a lovely civil relationship... it was for the kids totally. I never thought about being with him after we split up...
I knew before I married this man that I was making huge compromises and concessions. I spend a lot of time not with him being angry with him when I need to be angry with me. I just could not tell him no. I hate that i love him and opted to accept him warts and all.
IF you can in any way shape or form walk away from this man, do it... do not end up like me.... hating your life while loving the man who makes you hate it.
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A
female
reader, AuntyEm +, writes (17 March 2013):
 I agree with the other aunts, if you have doubt then don't.
His kids will always be his kids and it's his right to see them and spend time with them, despite what you think.
The sex thing will eventually drive a wedge between you, so if he isn't right for you...then why marry him?
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (17 March 2013):
 I definitely think if you have any doubt (or you are asking random strangers if you should marry him)... The answer is pretty much no.
A ring on your finger, shared vows are not going to magically change him overnight into the guy you want him to be. And I'm pretty sure you know that.
The only thing on your "con" list I I'm not sure why you have a problem with is that he stays with HIS kids when his ex-wife galivants off to London. THAT IS what a good parent does. I assume they are HIS kids too, so why wouldn't he look after them? So you should have priority over his kids?
The rest of the "con" list are red flags. Chasing around after his ex means he isn't over her by a long shot. For me the low sex drive wouldn't be a red flag but not something I would be too happy about. And agreeing with you but doing as he pleases is just passive aggressive way of not giving a shit.
You have to figure out if the "pros" out weigh the "cons" - if you even HAVE a future with him. Obviously you are NOT happy with status quo.
Do you feel like you by chance are his rebound?
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A
female
reader, harchi  +, writes (17 March 2013):
 u know best d answer to ur question. If u love him n u r sure he feels the same way u do and he has asked u to marry him, y not?
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A
male
reader, N91 +, writes (17 March 2013):
 If you're even questioning it, deep down I think you know the answer yourself.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (17 March 2013): Mmm.. not sure on this one. He seems like a nice guy but I couldn't put up with the contact with the ex wife or the demands that 3 children would have on a relationship. I would also find the fact that he says he agrees with you but does what he wants irritating. However he is good with your daughter and your family and is clearly reliable and kind so a bit of a split decision here. It really depends on what value you personally put on things. Kind, nice and helpful men are quite difficult to come by and he is good with your thirteen year old and happy to live with you and a child so that stands for a lot in my book. I might leave it for a few months and extend the engagement until you are really sure.
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