A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:My bf Of 4 years has a bad habbit of commenting when an attracive woman walks by us if we are out. He knows i dont like it but tells me he cant help it ( which i dont buy). He will make sounds, his draw may drop or goes "whoa" and even turn around to watch her walk away. I get men might do this. And i dont think he would cheat. But i dont like it when he does it right in front of me. He does it eith sound as well so i know. If i am telling a story about girlfriends he will make innapropriate comments - such as if we were talkig about him fid the topic of him "make her wet" or other things like "i bet shes a screamer in the bedroom" and many more. He knows i dont like it. If he thinks the girl is hot every time i talk about that person - whethrr it is a friend or colleague he will make these comments. I would say all the girls he makes sounds at or turns around and watches them, are all very slim, atractive and often dressed skimpy. This is nothing lkke me, so when he cOnstantly does it it makes me wonder what he sees in me because i look nothing like these girls or dress like them. Im not sure what to do.Any advice is great. Reply to this Question
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (18 March 2013):
 His reaction when you play stupid games and do it back to him (to me that's a game) is very telling.
He knows you don't like it since you've said something and tried to "turn the tables"
If it bothers you that much and he won't stop, then you may have to end the relationship.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 March 2013): I wrote the original post.To the comment about doing it back to him -I've actually done that! He doesn't like it if i do it. It often depends which mood he is in. It will either make him sulk or say something really inappropriate (e.g. "you want him to f..... you real bad" but actually way worse). I've often been accused of it when i havent! If i am just looking in a direction and some men are that way, i haven't seen them or even thinking of it but he will accuse me of doing it because i am looking in their direction (even if i am looking that way before they appear!). I don't think i have let him do it. He knows i dont like it. I've either said something (to stop it) or tried to ignore him. Even when he doesn't say anything he makes it so obvious, so i know. It's almost like he wants to get caught doing it.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 March 2013): Do the same back to him. Make comments about other men being hot and fantasize aloud what it would be like to have sex with them. See his reaction. If he digs it then he means no harm to you he is just really horny or something. But if he gets bothered by you doing it then he was trying to one up you all along or exert control over you by making you uncomfortable. Then if everytime he does it and you do back it might get him to stop since then his own behavior leads to you doing something that makes him uncomfortable.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 March 2013): Your first mistake was believing that all men do this...sorry only immature, BOYS with no class or respect for women do this.
This isn't a kid or young man who thinks he's cool around his buddies talking like that...he needs some direction and for someone to tell him how disrespecful and tasteless he's really behaving when he says things like that.
He needs to grow up and you need to be a lot more clear that you do not like it and it needs to stop.
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A
male
reader, eddie85 +, writes (17 March 2013):
 Most guys do this on some level. In our own minds we'll categorize and rate women. We are naturally wired to analyze a woman and determine her "doability". Most guys do have control over this impulse and know when to keep quiet.
The fact that he is verbal about indicates to me that is comfortable expressing this fact to you -- despite its disrespectfulness and obvious hurt to you.
If you haven't already done so, I suggest explaining to him how emotionally painful and uncomfortable that this makes you feel. Explain that you feel like you are being compared to these other women and you can't live up to that expectation. I would also ask him to stop doing this -- at least while in front of you.
It is probably a bad habit at this point and it may take some time to correct -- so be patient. Hopefully this is something he can take control of -- at least once he knows how emotionally painfully it is for you to hear about his lustings for every woman that passes by.
Eddie
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (17 March 2013):
 Have you ever just walked away without reacting? Letting him stand there and drool like the idiot he is?
I don't agree with Cerberus, that he does it because you have "let" him the last 4 years. BUT I do agree that he doesn't do it to hurt you, it's become a habit that makes HIM FEEL good about himself. Makes him feel manly, even though it makes him seen more of a child then a man.
I would just walk off next time, not in anger or as a fit, but because I would be embarrassed to be seen with a dude like that. If that doesn't work.. well start mimicking HIS behavior when a handsome guy comes by, see how he likes it. If he gets mad then tell him THIS is what you do constantly, doesn't feel good does it?
I agree with SVC it IS very pathetic behavior.
We all notice good looking people, but there is NOTICING and then there is the pathetic cartoon *honk honk* behavior.
I find it rather disrespectful of him and I don't really understand why you have accepted that for 4 years.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (17 March 2013): I agree with the others in a sense OP. But I disagree with the idea that he can help it. He can't at the moment because it's become a habit you've let him get away with for 4 years.
He can help it as much as a smoker can help not smoking, in other words it's incredibly difficult to get out of that mindset when he's in it. Can't just flick it off like a switch because you say so.
OP it's rude but he's not doing it purposefully to hurt you, you know that or you wouldn't even need to ask us he'd be gone.
OP he's just gotten comfortable enough around you that he does "guy talk" with you. We pretty much all talk like this certain degrees around our guy friends, most of us though have the good sense to either not, or really tone it down with our girlfriends around.
Do try training him a bit OP, don't be nasty about it just make sure it's a consequence that happens every time he does it and it's one that's bad enough that he'll start to think twice about it.
OP he needs to learn that while you're delighted he can feel so comfortable with you that he can be himself that he needs to learn to temper the guy talk because you're not a guy, you're his partner and it annoys the shit out of you.
It's going to take time and consistency on your part though OP.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 March 2013): I would be mad at my husband if he did things like that. Of course, men notice beatifull young girls especially when they are hardly dressed. I actually noticed that these girls don't need to be that beatifull, but if they are thin and very short skirts or dresses on that would do.
But to make dirty comments is just awfull manners. You need to be more strict with him about it and give him hard time every time he does it. He needs to know its not ok to act and say things like that.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (17 March 2013):
my husband when we were dating was on the phone with me walking to his train and I heard him say "gorgeous legs" to a woman as she walked by... ugh it's infuriating isn't it.
He does what I call the "exorcist neck thing" when a girl of his "type" walks by... it's so funny to me it's laughable. I do laugh... men like that are pathetic. Yes I just called my husband and your boyfriend pathetic.
they are 12 honey. somewhere along the line, their emotional growth stopped. They have no clue how to behave like an adult around women. Sad isn't it?
I can tell you that comments about your friends are uncalled for and not needed. What you can do is TRAIN HIM to not make the comments.
First you tell him that comments about your friends that are inappropriate will no longer be tolerated and every time he makes one, that will end the date/conversation.
So when he makes a nasty comment you sweetly get up, gather your things and say "that was not appropriate and I will talk to you tomorrow." and you get up and you LEAVE. If he has to drive you home you STAND by the door till he takes you... if he refuses.. call a cab.
You must make this painful for him. EVERY TIME he makes an inappropriate comment about someone, his time with you for that day ENDS... no matter if it's 10 am, or 10 pm or if you are at dinner or in bed... HE says something wrong YOU LEAVE.
It's called behavior modification.
As for looking at girls on the street... well as long as he's not accosting them, I personally let that go as I think it's hysterical.. he has NO shot with these women (my hubby) but it's eye candy...
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A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (17 March 2013):
 He's at an age where he should have self control so "can't help it" is not an excuse. 30 years later he will be called a creepy old fart.
Making comments about your friend being hot is unacceptable.
The reason why he is with you and not those eye candies is because you are a keeper and he is secure with you that you won't advertise your body like that and let other men steal you away. Only women who are out of reach can be sexualized. You, as his girlfriend, are like a possession but he doesn't treat you like a girlfriend. It's like his mind is stopped at a level of sexual obsession, like teenagers and can't move forward to the finer things in life.
You have been with him long enough. You want to still be with him except for this one annoying habit. He is disrespecting you in front of others. He is not making you feel special and beautiful. These are not actions of a man who loves you, or capable of loving a woman as a whole package.
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