A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I have been with my boyfriend for 6 years living together for 2, he has a child from a previous relationship. I had an unplanned pregnancy 2 years ago which resulted in an early miscarriage, since then I have been desperate to have a baby, and have attempted to discuss this with my boyfriend but not had much luck with it as he just keeps saying 'not yet'. I'm finding the urge to have a child overwhelming and although I'm logical in every other aspect of my life this one isn't it.Is it worth me going to see a counsellor about this, or is it a normal thing to feel, it wont go away and is getting stronger and stronger and is making me depressed and putting unneeded pressure on our relationship as i resent my boyfriend for not being ready, even though I know I still have plenty of time! Its not a logical feeling at all!
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female
reader, OhGetReal  +, writes (8 August 2010):
 It doesn't take a MAN 6 years of dating to figure out you are the one. It doesn't take 6 years of dating for a woman to figure out she isn't getting a marriage and a family from a "boyfriend". It takes 6 seconds to get pregnant and change your life forever as an unwed mother, and it takes less than that for a boyfriend to leave.
You put your time in, time to move on and find someone who shares your goals and desires for a future and a family, this guy isn't it.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (8 August 2010): Husbands start family's, boyfriends knock-up chicks who want to have more kids as an unwed mother. This guy seems to understand that, although it's a bit late...
Why are you not "desperate" to enter into a long term commitment? Until then, forget about being another knocked up unwed mother....
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A
female
reader, jrunlucky +, writes (8 August 2010):
 this is your body telling you you need a baby. it's hormonal and a stage. your bf is thinking logically for you. you two arent married yet and he knows what it's like to have a kid.
but if this gets worse to the point where your sabotaging condoms and all that mess you'll need the counselor.
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (8 August 2010):
 You may have been together for 6 years, but you are pretty young. If your boyfriend already has a kid, he knows the responsibility and weight a decision to have a child is as well as its impact on a relationship, especially if he's no longer with the mother of his child.
There is nothing wrong with wanting kids and a family, but it sounds like there's a grief issue involved because of your miscarriage. You may not want to hear this, but it's not healthy to have a kid only to fulfil a desperate emotional need for YOU...because like any person, no one can be responsibile for the needs of someone else. You have to pinpoint the source of this need, which you already admit is illogical, so you have a practical side that knows that it's not the right time or reason.
Wanting a child IS a good thing, and there are millions of women (and men) who are desperate to have a family, and that's okay! But the need can't be a selfish one born out of the loss of another child, or that will be pressure on the significant other (which you are already sensing is a problem) AND on the child, who you will resent once you realize that he (or she) can't really fill this need you have.
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A
female
reader, Lotsalove. +, writes (8 August 2010):
 I have never experienced a miscarriage but I have experienced an abortion. I had it because I was 16 and still at school, there was no way I was ready for a baby. I wasn't emotionally attatched as an older woman would be, but I know that a miscarriage too comes with alot of emotions and pain. You've lost a child and are maybe trying to 'replace' it with another. Have you ever thought that maybe it was very painful for your boyfriend too? He knows what its like to be a parent afterall, and the opportunity for him to be one again got snatched away from him, eventhough it was nobodys fault. And maybe he's a bit scared as he thinks it may happen again?
You've both dealt with a big situation as a couple, and you need to discuss it. You say you've lived together for 2 years and experienced the miscarriage 2 years ago? So alot happened around the same period of time. My only concern is that 2 years has passed since the miscarriage, not 2 weeks. Your boyfriend needs to acknowledge and accept what happened and be willing to move on together. Also ask yourself is there anything else that could be making his mind up, are you both financially stable for a baby? Are you both stable as a couple? Does he have any problems/dramas with his child and his childs mother? Does he pay child support? Any of these could hinder his choice to have another baby. Just talk to him about it.
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