A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Dear Cupid. I'm on a dating site and have had a man message me saying "Hey how are you going :)" and "Your super cute, love to know more about yourself!? Feel free to ask me anything"Anyway, I Looked this guy up on facebook because I recognised his face of a man I used to talk to but never actually met...the photo on facebook looks the same person as the dating profile picture...thing is, this man is married and has been since 2016....do I message his wife with dating site profile proof and a facebook profile proof?? OR do I leave it!?this man and I used to talk years ago, but never met. If I was his wife, I would want to know....
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female
reader, hilary  +, writes (19 May 2020):
 Online dating is difficult because there are so many scammers and shifty people using it for ulterior motives. The two main ones being married men pretending to be single (also men who live with women pretending they are single by saying no I am not married, which is true, but skipping over the fact they actually live with a woman full time).
There are also the people who use online dating as a way to scam people out of money. Usually these use terrific gorgeous photos, use broken crap English, say they are models, actresses, doctors, soldiers and then say they need to "borrow" money which you would never get back.
Many people use photos of other people or from years ago in an effort to get dates. Nothing you can do about it.
Everyone has different ways of searching and different limitations. Guys tend to go for good looking young women. They do not care if the woman is married so long as she gives him sex without charging. Women tend to look at other stuff and be put off by those things because they get far more offers to meet than the men do and it would be impossible for them to meet 5% of those offering.
There are special dating sites for marrieds and those in full time relationships but they charge a lot to men to be members. In the UK it would be about £100 a week for a man to be a member and be able to email the women. The women are so scarce they allow them to join for free and some are paid to interact with the men to make the site look busier so that the men do not stop paying. The men are happy to pay £100 a week because the way they see it is that if they are lucky and get someone it works out cheaper than keep paying a pro sex worker regularly.Even on these sites the married women tend to shy away from the married men because there are single men on there asking them to meet, and offering to pay them to meet. And single men can give them more time and be more flexible and have more to offer.
It is not unusual for people to lie about their jobs and all sorts in an effort to get meets. But generally speaking a lot of the men are just seeking sex and a lot of the women would want a proper relationship.
There are some very weird characters online and they do tend to assume that everyone is desperate. I had a friend who is 25, she went onto a dating site and had a man of 75 who is married ask her to meet. He made it clear he expected sex on first meet too. She politely refused and he started to stalk her calling her a whore, a slut, tart, liar and all sorts simply because she was NOT a slut, whore and tart and he was not getting what he wanted. In real life he would know he has no chance of dating a woman that young or having sex on first meet, but this idea that she is as desperate as him takes over from reality.
You cannot police online dating sites and you cannot presume what you suspect is correct, anyway it is none of your business. Just watch out for yourself.
REMEMBER that the cheaper the site and with the free sites there are a lot more scammers and liars. The expensive sites for professionals are far more picky and far less likely to have iffy characters.
Is it possible that you were annoyed about this because you quite fancy the guy yourself and were put out to think that a guy you fancy is married and not worth dating? This happens a lot with dating online. Just move on to the next one. Make sure you write a good profile which tells them enough about you to get them interested without them getting the wrong idea. Some men think that a photo where you look gorgeous and smile means you are keen to jump into bed with every man online instantly and read what they want to read into things.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 May 2020): Yes, I would definitely inform the wife. I would write her, "not sure if this is your husband of if someone is using his picture, but this man is on a dating site (and send her the screenshot)
She deserves to know. If EVERYONE in the public who logs in the dating site knows, why should she be the LAST to know?!
If they have an open relationship then FINE. No harm will be done. If they do not, you have just saved her YEARS of agony, and terrible humiliation when she FINALLY finds out.
I would DEFINITELY let her know.
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A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious +, writes (1 May 2020):
 NO, NO and NO again. It is not his wife's fault that he is a cheater. Why would you want to hurt her? If he really IS a cheater, she will find out sooner or later anyway, or she may just live in ignorant bliss for years.
It didn't take much for you to find him on social media so that would indicate he is not really trying very hard to hide his status. This would lead me to suspect that maybe things are not as they seem. As you don't know the couple on a personal level, you don't know the state of their marriage. Could be they have an open marriage. Could be they are separated. Could be lots and lots of different scenarios.
In dating, as in all walks of life, we should exercise due diligence and check out anyone we are considering for a relationship. You did that and you didn't like what you found. Now walk away. There will be plenty of other people out there who are in relationships but still hawking their goods on dating sites. Be careful, carry out as many checks as you can and stay safe.
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A
female
reader, mystiquek  +, writes (1 May 2020):
 I would not get involved. I'd ignore, block and move on. You don't know if he's been hacked or what. If he's seperated or going through a divorce he needs time to heal and move on and who wants to be a rebound? If he's married and playing around...that's his wives problem. It would be different if you knew her personally but you don't. Stay out of it.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 April 2020): I’m glad somebody brought up that it could be someone else using his picture. I had someone do this to me a long time ago! I’m married too (and I was at the time as well.) Somebody made an account using my name, posted my picture, and told men who messaged the account that “I was married but unhappy”. They also gave out my phone number to the men who messaged the account, so it had to be someone I knew. This guy could have someone (an ex or a friend with an ax to grind), doing this to him right now!
Ask him if he is married and see what he says.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 April 2020): It’s really none of your business . Married people make a commitment to one another not the rest of the world ! If the keep it or break it that’s between them and their conscience
What’s with all the people who think they have the moral right to run around policing others for choices they made and have zero to do with them
Get off your ivory tower and mind your own business . Sorry to be blunt but you have no idea what the situation and nor should you because your not married to either of them
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (30 April 2020):
 Oh I should have added that asking him if he is married is more of a "rhetorical question, than one you actually want to know (hence blocking him AFTER) because if he is "separated" or "on break" from his marriage that is the LAST kind of guy you want to get involved with, same goes for a newly divorcee (male or female, no offense to anyone recently divorced) the reason I say that, is because the likelihood of you being some kind of rebound or ego booster is WAY higher than them being a potential good partner. He might not be financial stable either due to alimony and/or child maintenance and HE might BE the main reason his marriage failed or IS failing.
People these days DO NOT take the time to work through (within themselves especially) why a marriage failed or IS failing, they just do like they do with everything else, consume and toss).
Not saying that people who are divorced CAN NOT be a good partner, they can OF COURSE, but someone FRESHLY out of a marriage (or long term relationship) NEED to take the time to work through that BEFORE jumping into something new.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (30 April 2020): Exactly what business is it of yours that he's married, if you have no intention of dating the guy yourself?
If you've received any communication from him, you can inform him that you're fully aware that he's a married-man!
It's not up to you to inform his wife of anything about her husband. You don't know either of them, you don't know what is happening in their marriage; and you don't know if they're swingers. It's simply none of your business. People who pry into the workings of the relationships of others sometimes forget. The person you've informed may hate you more the one you've ratted on!
Block him, swipe left, and move on. Mind your business!
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A
female
reader, Ciar  +, writes (30 April 2020):
 I second Honeypie's advice, and I love the idea of emailing him a link to his Facebook profile.
And she raises a good point too, that it may not be him, but someone trying to set him up, or playing a prank, or some well intentioned friend trying to get him move on after his divorce. We just don't know.
Do what Honeypie says. Reply with 'Aren't you married', include the Facebook profile link, then block him. Don't wait for an answer. And move on.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 April 2020): Thank you everyone.
I did say to the guy "aren't you married?"
anyway it seems he has deactivated his dating profile now and given I told him he looked familiar.
on his facebook however it does say "married to" and has the wife's name.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (30 April 2020):
Would I message his wife?
No, I'd send him back a message with: " Aren't you married?" and a link to his OWN Facebook, and then block the SOB. (After all he did say you could ask anything....
It could BE that someone else is using his picture. It could be that he is divorced or splitting up from his wife already.
But it's not your job to POLICE the dating sites. While it's amoral and SHIFTY, shitty behavior for a married person to be trolling the dating sites, it's really not your job to inform the wife. If you KNEW her in person, then yes. But you don't know her or their marriage.
Since you seen to have a good level of common sense, you know this guy is NOT good news. So showing him that you know he is married and you are not interested, is what I would do.
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A
male
reader, kenny +, writes (30 April 2020):
 If i was you i would just leave it and move onto the next profile.
This guy only got married in 2016 and is already on dating sites, what a rat.
No i would refrain from meddling, guy's like this always get found out in the end, what goes around comes around so they say.
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A
male
reader, Justryingtohelp +, writes (30 April 2020):
Unless his wife is a friend, which doesn't look like the case here, it is really none of your business, although I do understand the temptation.
Why not just message him back asking how his wife is and if she knows he's trying to pick up women on dating sites?
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A
female
reader, Justmy5cents +, writes (30 April 2020):
 Hang on, stop the bus. You can't just assume you know of his marital status from a FB picture. My partner and I separated coming up 18 months and he still has pictures and under relationship' its complicated'. Weird but thats for him to sort out. He said feel free to ask him a question so ask
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