A
female
age
26-29,
anonymous
writes:Why does EVERY man I try to befriend end up objectifying me? They'll be totally respectful to our other mutual female friends but I get treated different. Like this guy I THOUGHT was nice at work: the worst thing he did was be "silly"and he did that to everyone but management. Ex: you're working in kitchen but it finally slows down so you run to drive through real quick to grab a pop. He stands in front of the dispenser and says, "toll please!" Or "hey, this is my territory!" One time, I was trying to get out of the crew room real quick because the drive through dinged in my ear and he was trying to get in to hit his vape. He literally stepped back and forth in the door way blocking my path and said something about paying a toll. I actually just said "here" and stuck his vape in his hand and brushed past him. He moved out of the way fast enough but "collapsed" into the door frame fake-moaning about his shoulder and workplace bullying. That incident actually annoyed me because I don't like feeling trapped but I KNOW he's just kidding around and that he is just silly. He means no harm.I don't generally hang out with coworkers (or anyone really) but since half of us don't have a car (he does) that means availability is limited. I usually work Thursday-Saturday 9-4. I NEED the hours. I live on let's say A Street while he lives on F Street. Our co-workers are roommates and live on H street. They've BEEN catching rides with him and buying him vape juice in return. They've also been playing cards with him and his wife. My boss asked me if she could get him to give me a ride would I work the 6:00-2:00 those three days instead. It'd be more hours and I could catch the bus home. I said sure but I couldn't pay him till next Friday. Since manager likes a set schedule (so do I) we now have a set "crew" for three days out of the week: we all (Me,"Danny", "Susie", and "Jean") now work open-2:00. She can count on us for that for real.Danny usually works PC which means he drops things in grease and keeps the kitchen neat and stocked. He also helps with making sandwiches when we're slammed. Susie usually *is* making sandwiches and gets stuck with prep even though she shouldn't be.Jean does the (little) front counter and take out as well as bags food for me and walks around sanitizing every thing every half hour.I do drive through (taking orders, making drinks taking money) and stocking front counter.Manager switches up our positions on slow days so we can all be trained every where and that's fine. She (store manager), Assistant manager (who is out sick), and even the DISTRICT manager have all called us "the dream crew".Now that Danny has been giving me rides I've "paid" him by giving him and his wife toilet paper, loaning my vacuum (they've been using a broom), and ONE time I bought baby formula with my foodstamps (I Know that's wrong but they could only afford the off brand and baby turned out to be allergic). We SHOULD be even.I normally ride with him, Susie and Jean and he's been his silly self at worse. Susie and Jean are "wives" apparently (I didn't know don't care) but both "share" two boyfriend's. I learned this on one of the car rides. Danny then said him and his wife were both bisexual swingers and I just said, "Well I guess I'm in the minority" One of the girls made a comment about how ignorant/prejudice people are and I felt like I had to defend myself. I just said, "ok, I can't wrap my head around poly but that's mostly because (a) I don't like to share (b) I'm not wanting ANY sex relationship right now anyway. But I also don't care what OTHER consenting adults do in their spare time."That seemed to be respected by everyone.For the most part they dropped it and only mentioned wives/boyfriends in passing. They bring NONE of this up at work -our manager is great but she's a Christian. Lately, the buses have been screwy and Danny has been giving me a ride home alone. For some reason lately Susie and Jean have been going to the super store across the street after work and doing I don't know what else. So it's just been me and Danny.Now on the way home I keep hearing stories about how he "used to be" real possessive and homophobic but he opened his mind and it opened doors. I just said, "That's nice"and changed the subject. He's made comments about how he likes girls of all sizes but he likes girls who look like they "came from a rennisanse era painting". I'm a big girl, I m pale and have long red hair.i know what he was getting atHow do I keep doing this? How do I keep getting objectified?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 May 2020): I agree with the female anonymous who said you are not being objectified.
Being OBJECTIFIED means insulting and degrading comments like "hey nice a**", things like that.
It being implied you resemble someone in a renaissance painting does not fit the bill, IMO. Some would take it as a compliment.
FURTHERMORE, your comment along the lines of "why does EVERY man objectify ME and only ME, when he is respectful to every other wooman around"....
Are you kidding me?! You think that YOU are the only female that men hit on? That men try to seduce?
Honey...no...I can see why your colleagues might believe you are a little uptight/ high on yourself.
I am sure that this guy has told MANY girls compliments like they look like a painting, or joked with them in a doorway.
I honestly can't tell if you believe you are so undeserving that you are the only one objectified, or if you believe you are so attractive that you are the only one objectified--
But either way that is just ridiculous!
NO, you are not so hideous that men think it's okay to objectify you and no one else...believe me, myself and ALL my friends who are women have been hit on MANY, MANY, many times. The fact that this is out of the ordinary for you, or if you think others have it less...I HIGHLY doubt it.
Nor are you so lovely that you are the only one these men hit on. I GUARANTEE you are not. This coworker is a SWINGER-- by definition he flirts with and has sexual relations with multiple women!
Feel less special yet? GOOD!! Get your feet on the ground and get a grip of the situation!
All you have to do is maintain a professional relationship with these people. No behavior you have mentioned has crossed the line. People are allowed to ASK if you are into something (swinging or dating them) and YOU are allowed to say NO THANK YOU. That's it, you can both move on!
You say you work well together, so then do that!
A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (30 April 2020):
 It's not judgmental, OP
The thing is some people are easily manipulated into doing things they don't want to do. Like Danny who oh so interested in telling you how his "open-mindedness" has "paid off" for him in other ways. He was hoping you would be SO impressed you might drop your knickers. Or the is virtue signaling. Either way, your notion of "you do you, and I do me" is not being judgmental.
It didn't work, but someone who is less secure in herself might feel she has to prove just how open-minded she is.
So don't worry about that.
They have chosen a "life-style" you have no interest in. Again, nothing wrong with that. But keep that in mind, you can still work well together, just set boundaries for what you want to share of private information.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 April 2020): Wow. This is a lot. You’re not being objectified- you’re just working with some odd folks. Be a grown up and suck it up. If you can’t get other transportation, you’re going to just have to roll with this and keep the conversation light. If it bothers you so much, you need to find alternate transportation. I am cordial with my coworkers, but definitely don’t want to hang out with them outside of work (let alone carpool with them!). Don’t be so dramatic and just be grateful you HAVE a job right now.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 April 2020): Original poster:
When I said I was a big girl I meant I'm 5'6" but almost 200. I've always been chubby. I was a 9 lb 2 oz baby and I weighed 85 in third grade. Both my parents weigh over 300. It runs in the family.
I really like my manager, I work hard for her and I do have to say that while we're working Danny, Susie and Jean do amazing work. We all bust ass. All the time. I get annoyed at Danny being silly but he is just silly
It's the part where Susie and Jean think I'm judgmental (I'm not) and Danny keeps insinuating that I need to open my mind
I literally have no interest in sex right now, the idea of having sex with women yuks me out but..
I'm not homophobic at all! I just flat out don't care who does what with who! If I do get with some one it will be a male and I'm self conscious about being fat even though that's never been a problem. If I do get with a male, I want him to take me on regular REAL dates (he doesn't have to break his wallet) and he has to understand I won't share him
How is that judgmental?
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A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious  +, writes (29 April 2020):
 I suspect if you were to turn round and challenge him by saying something like "Come on then, big boy, give it a go if you think you're big and hard enough", he would run a mile and sh$t himself.
He doesn't sound like a "bad" person, just a bit of a dipstick. Take it from one who is a lot older than you and who has been round the block a time or two, the people who are getting the least action are the ones who tend to talk about it most. He is trying to impress you (and anyone else who will listen to him). You can't change him. You just need to learn to let his silly comments slide off you. He can't get to you if you don't allow him to.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (29 April 2020): "How do I keep doing this? How do I keep getting objectified?"
Like you said; " I'm a big girl!" Big-girl also means you're old enough to speak-up and use your words.
You don't have to approve of what other people do; and they have no right to keep shoving it down your throat. I am gay, and that's my business. I have the same rights as anybody else; and nobody has a right to judge me, but God Himself. He said so; so that's enough for me. I maintain a close-relationship with God; because someday I will face Jesus in judgement. He will forgive me for my sins. I am accountable for my thoughts, words, and actions. I will never be ashamed of believing in God, and don't mind telling the world I do!
I am a Christian, and I know what is expected of me; and how I'm supposed to relate to other people. I must love them, show compassion, be kind, be charitable, show faith in the Lord; and I am also expected to share testimony of how God has helped me. I am required to spread the good news of the gospel. If people don't want to hear it, then I back-off. If they want to tell me what I should and shouldn't believe; I tell THEM to back-off! I have the ability to communicate my thoughts; and express my opinions and concerns. I also have the ability to listen. That's why I got an education, read, listen to smart-people; and then practice what I preach! I give-back, by sharing what I've learned and experienced; to save others the trouble of having to go through the pain or difficulty I had to go through to learn it.
I get along fine with people. Good or bad! Nobody picks on me, they respect my beliefs; and it seems I owe all that to God. He protects me! I am not one of those promiscuous-types, I do have morals and values; and my life is not centered around my sexuality. Nor my sexual-orientation. It's not what defines me as a person. My spirit, and God's spirit within me, is what defines me. I like to help people, let God judge them. I don't expect everyone to approve of my life, nor do I care; but I follow what the Bible tells me to do, and that also applies to homosexuality and fornication. I have to be obedient, to answer for myself on the Day of Judgement. Jesus isn't going to ask me what other people did. He's going to judge me for who I am; and what I have done with my life. I've been repentant, and pray for His forgiveness every single-day. Not everyone understands this, but real Christians do. I am not perfect, and never met anybody who is. Jesus says we're all sinners, and we all fall short of the glory of God. Judge me, and be judged by God! That does not mean we cannot rebuke or admonish people who do harm , hurt others, or themselves.
If you don't like being objectified or disrespected; just say so! If people feel free to share their thoughts and opinions with and about you; be a "big-girl/grown-up" and stand-up for yourself. If he gets silly, tell him straight-up; "sometimes I get tired of your childish-behavior on the job. I have no qualms with people being themselves, and I like you as a person. No more or less than anybody else!" Let him know when he starts, you could use a break with talk about sex; but you have nothing against him as a person. He's testing your boundaries; so show him what they are.
He's playful, harmless, and silly. I don't think he would take it in a bad-way. He is generous and helps people out. You don't have to put-up with foolishness; just because people give you a hand. If things become too much; then you will have to rely on the public transit-system.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 April 2020): Some people just like to try and shock others to get a reaction. I would simply give minimal responses and don't explain yourself. If any of them say anything just let them speak, give no reaction and simply change the conversation, they will soon get bored
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (29 April 2020):
Oh I forgot to mention,
Not being interested in, tempted by, or impressed with people and they choices in sexual partners, such as swingers or poly, doesn't make you "ignorant/prejudice" it just means you have different values and standards.
The reason, I feel, people like to use the term "ignorant/prejudice" when you don't agree with their life-style choices, is to make themselves feel superior. Which is why I would avoid being dragged into conversations like the one you mention.
These people aren't your friends they are you coworkers, and if I were you I'd share as little personal information as possible with them.
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A
male
reader, kenny +, writes (29 April 2020):
 At the end of the day work is work and you are just there to perform a job.
As long as your friendly, and do your job to the best of your abilities, just take comments and jokes from other colleagues with a pinch of salt and get on with your work.
The guy your travelling with does sound like a bit of a douche, just change the subject like you did, and hopefully this arrangement won't be for too much longer.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (29 April 2020):
Just keep doing what you are doing.
Ignore any "hints" or "suggestions" and change the subject.
YOU can't MAKE people behave in whatever manner you would like them to. You can however, control how much time you spend with and around them.
Unfortunately you depend on him for rides. So either, save up and buy a bike (if that is feasible) and ride it back and forth to work, use the buses more (which doesn't seem very reliable) or accept that "Danny" is a douche who doesn't really respect women, but he is smart enough to not annoy the managers.
Avoid being DRAGGED into conversations you are not comfortable with or have no interest in participating with.
But accept that you can't MAKE anyone be a decent person, that is up to them. You can ALSO bring a book for the rides back and forth. That way you can pretend to be all engrossed in the book and thus not up for conversation.
Sorry, there is no easy fix.
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